Sunday, September 30, 2007

idleness


I woke up this morning (afternoon) with such a vivid dream, I almost felt dizzy as I got up. In my dream, there was Adrasteia the nymph, the inescapable. I did not love her, that much I could say. I watched her eat a grape, fawning over the infant Zeus and I remember wondering how I could be so jealous of something so innocent, so small yet so big. There was a man next to me who also loved her and we watched her slowly but firmly enter the city of sin. My first thought was the lights made my eyes hurt and there was the faint smell of sweat and blood and hearts on sleeves and it made me nauseous. As the music crescendoed, she moved with languid desperation, as though her heart had always known the tune, almost like the tune was one with her heartbeat.

She danced with a faceless, heartless stranger as he and I both fought back feelings that would only lead to confusion and conflict. Together, he and I watched Adrasteia give up what we both yearned for. She'll tire of him soon enough, I whispered in his ear and then friends will become rivals yet again. I watched the confusion in this man's eyes- our poor nymph reduced to a mere glitch, a mound of flesh that knows not how to love but instead is versed in the ways of seeking pleasure where she can.

Tomorrow, I said, she'll be back to who she was, Zeus' tutelage will no longer be the minute error she is right now. Adrasteia - she who none escapes. How could we escape her when our hearts are tied to the frills on her skirt? How could we flee when our hearts forbid us to be away from her? How could we despise her when our souls called out to dance to her heartbeat, as though longing to be possessed by her love.

She glances at her watch and tells us it's time to go so we did. She, me, him, and the faceless stranger all leave with broken hearts. What happens here, stays here I whispered and so we left everything behind - every feeling, every bruise, every desire.

I realized the message soon enough. It's time to stop living life from dream to dream and start banking on things that matter. When I got home, I turned the telly on and this really empowered evangelist was talking about faith and I yearned for her passion more than anything in my life right now- my work, my friends, my life. What I'd give to feel what she's feeling, if only to hold on to something so strong and stable. She talked about an arrow and how you're supposed to release it, never mind if the recipient's heart is open or not. I would feed of those arrows, whether their tips were poisonous or not, if only to fill the void in my own heart.

It's getting late and I probably need more rest, or food, or another epiphany. Days like this, I wonder if I'll be like this eternally or I'm just being tested.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

tell me all your thoughts on God



ugh, how Dishwalla of me. just thought it'd be an apt title for the post that's been stored in my drafts for several days now. i remember listening to this song in the past, never realizing i'd be moved to write about God one day.

I believe it was about two weeks ago when I first realized I had the option to walk home from work. It's usually a P50 cab ride home for me but that day, I was feeling a little clouded and figured I could use the quiet and the exercise. In a similar incident (that involved daylight, of course), I was walking and I saw an old church and for some strange reason, I felt compelled to go inside. I was sitting in one of the pews next to an old lady and I felt envious of her devotion. Here was a woman who got up early today to show her love for a man who she's never even really seen. I was sitting beside her, absorbing her peace, feeling dirty, hoping I wasn't polluting her air.

I don't know what happened to me. I'm not Catholic or anything but I just felt a certain air of peace. I wasn't sure if anyone saw me that day but it didn't matter anymore. I waited for her to finish and with my eyes, I saw here through the door. She seemed at peace. Peace, i miss peace.

And now, realizing I finally let go of my ministry, I wonder if there was a better way to go around it. Perhaps I should've asked God first. I never really prayed about leaving. I just knew I had to.

They say he never changes. What happens when I do? Times like this, I wish I could shake myself, if only to wake up. But i'm not really sleeping. I'm just closing my eyes. Because I don't wanna see anything anymore. I'd rather just pretend to be sleeping. Maybe the voices would stop bothering me.

It doesn't have to be like this, I told myself. I was with a friend who told me I like to focus on the problem so much and not come up with a proper solution. I'm in the eye of the problem, I said and it's kind of hard to think of the next step. He asked me about my God and how I feel about him. I said I don't know anymore because to tell you the truth, I really don't. He said it feels good to know you can depend on something when you feel weak or unable to continue. Was that all God was to me? Plan B?

When I was in Middle School, our bible teacher asked us about our spiritual birthday and I said I've been a Christian since birth. She said no one's born a Christian. It's a decision you make. It was then that I realized I had no idea what being a Christian meant.

I'm not saying my parents forced me to become a Christian or anything. Of course, I made the decision years ago but I was very young at that time and I never really thought about the decision I was making. It's part of your culture, if you grew up in a Christian family you'd understand the guilt and the bliss associated with it. Lately, I just feel like I wouldn't have been a Christian if it weren't for my family. And i seriously envy the newbie Christians with all their wide-eyed optimism. How could they know and love someone who they just met? it feels like I've known him all my life but still I know nothing about him. It's hard because I love him but I can't seem to understand him.

Two nights ago, I did something I've never done before. I prayed out loud, hoping to voice out solemn concerns about where I am right now and where I'm going. I was talking for more than 30 minutes before I realized he was right there, ready to listen.

So what are my thoughts on God? At this point, I'm still waiting for him. Perhaps to pick me up, telling me he's been around the block two or three times but I wasn't there. And when I finally get into his car, all will be forgiven and I would finally be ready to give him everything he deserves. I'm sure he understands I'm not ready. I'm done trying quick fixes and attempts to fly without the necessary equipment I need. This time, I'm going to play using my heart and not just my head.

On a cheesy note, a good friend used to always say "God can heal a broken heart. He just needs all the pieces." If so, perhaps it's time I gave it a real shot.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

ze end...

don't really remember the exact date that I became a sunday school teacher. if memory serves correctly, i believe I began as an assistant sometime in September 2004. I never really realized I've been a sunday school teacher longer than i have been a blogger. It's kinda sad now that it's all over since I feel like i'm letting go of something that really influenced my thoughts, my feelings, et cetera. at the same time, i understand this is for the best. i wouldn't trust my own nephew to be placed under my care. i had absolutely nothing to offer them. i don't really wanna be the lesser evil. i'm sure God has other plans for that class.

goal recap
  1. Resign from Sunday School - talked to Tita Cecile this morning and i think she understood my reasons. She asked me to teach the 10:30 class but I didn't go. I suddenly realized I couldn't anymore and I didn't want to let her down.
  2. Start thinking of poss career expansion - sent resumes to some interesting places. informed TM of plans and reasons why I was thinking of leaving. Still undecided if career expansion entails leaving the company. internally, plans to keep stats in good condition have been pretty successful.
  3. Work on meeting new people to expand network - slated to meet some poss interesting people in the next couple of weeks. still working on this.
  4. Start praying / lean on things that matter - sigh, unfortunately kinda hard to do. i did get to pray about a few weeks ago but it was really short and kinda difficult.
  5. Stop thinking about what'll get me through the day and - v. good in this dept. have started to budget funds and even exercise (yeah, walking to the pantry counts as exercise).
  6. Start thinking about what'll bring me to my future. - good here too. started to understand that all is temporary.
pretty good couple of days if i may say so myself. got over a lot of things that were bothering me and now am focused towards goals. it's funny when you force things to revolve around you that you end up revolving around them. when you lose yourself to something really powerful, all you can do to make it in one piece is to hold on.

so today's a pretty good day. i read somewhere that things are impossible not by their nature but by your approach. mind over matter. haha

peace out.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

regrets


I was cleaning my room listening to Garbage when I remembered this lengthy conversation I had with a friend about regrets. We were really getting into it, deciding which cliche works better. Of course, granting that the age-old question regarding the universal do-over should present itself, does anyone have a clear answer? What would you change if you could go back?

I'm pretty sure there would have been a lot of things I'd change if I could. If I could rewind to the times when I felt so angry at the world and then backtrack to the moment where all that could've been avoided, I'd be the luckiest man in the world. Think of all the bad relationships and all the bull your friends feed you about how mistakes are opportunities to learn. Think of all the job interviews and work mishaps and all that jazz that could've, in one way or another, influenced your life massively.

Said friend talked about latest crisis in life and asked if he was right to regret it. Perhaps he did have his reasons but since I wasn't privvy to the whole deal, I didn't really know left from right. Maybe I would've regretted it, too if I only had some control over my life.

And it's hard to not think about regrets when it's right there, like a wart on your finger that will not go away. You can pretend to ignore it but the next time you look down, it's right there. How do you forget something that's in the rain, in the darkness when you close your eyes, in your mind momentarily but in your head eternally.

And despite all I try to blink away, part of me knows that without regrets, I'd probably be somewhere else now. Without my anger, I wouldn't have gotten over some shit in the past. Without apathy, how can there be sympathy?

Winding it down, I realize now that regrets are a necessary part of two people's journey when it's about to end. For if you do not think about things that shouldn't have happened, how will you forget all the good parts? If you fixate on the happy moments, getting over is next to impossible.

We only have control over such a limited number of things. Often times, I find my emotions dictate where I will go. Since I cannot control forgetting past events, regrets are my way to do that. And though I may overlook so many things in the process, at least I know that in the end, I have accomplished my goal.

Not really making sense anymore. Perhaps it's time to sleep. *yawn*

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

peep peep

237 blog posts and what have i accomplished? basically, all i've done is bitch about my day.

I started reading Bridget Jones's Diary yesterday and it really is so different from the movie. I haven't really gotten past a few chapters (I'm still somewhere in the middle of March) but so far, I'm really digging this version. It's funny how I found myself in the middle of the book feeling sad and inconsolable and I ended up getting into this huge fight with a friend who I'm sure did not see it coming but meant well in the end (but let's not get into that).

Somewhere between January and February, I really got into the book and I realized there's a mini Bridget in every one of us. That's why we love and adore her, word vomit and all. When you look at the mirror and feel fat and urrrrgleeeeh, there's Bridget. When you're waiting for a phone call or text message, there's Bridget. When you're all alone on a date night, there's Bridget. When you try so hard to look smart and end up feeling stupid, there's Bridget. When you find yourself trapped with another Cleave, there's Bridget. It's so typical of me to have found myself so caught up that I've taken to hating Hugh Grant simply by association. Why is it that some people were just made to be fuckwits?

Anyway, I'm still waiting to be cheered up but so far the book's just got me in a damp mood. I guess it happened when I realized my whole life has been anchored on things that don't really matter in the long run. I should probably rethink my decisions and hopefully make the right ones this time.

Last Sunday, I found myself in the middle of a class of 14 toddlers, getting hit by flying plastic vegetables while a little boy tugs at me to take him to the bathroom. It was then that I realized that I just can't do this anymore. My staying in Sunday School isn't doing anybody any good and it's probably high time that I have a long talk with my supervisor and let her know I'm not what they need. They need someone who hasn't been through what I'm going through. Someone with a firmer foundation and obviously, more faith. As I told a friend of mine, what have they got to learn from me? I cannot continue knowing full well that I'm probably causing more harm than good.

So just like Bridget, I need to get a hold of the things I need to do.
  1. Leave Rethink Leave Rethink Resign from Sunday School
  2. Start thinking of poss career expansion
  3. Work on meeting new people to expand network
  4. Start praying / lean on things that matter
  5. Stop thinking about what'll get me through the day and
  6. Start thinking about what'll bring me to my future.
v. good start.

Hopefully, this'll get me somewhere. Doesn't Bridget get her happy ending, as well?

"I don't think you're an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. Your mother's pretty interesting. And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And, um, you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences... But the thing is, um, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances, I like you, very much. Just as you are."

Friday, August 17, 2007

here we go again

it's so funny how i once said my profession has greatly affected my view of time. time time time. time is all i have. one error in time and i'm fucked.

last night, in the rush of logging out and leaving, i found out i forgot to do just that. close to 70 of my callers got dead air. i forgot to log out.

and my last error got me a final warning. i'm hanging by a very fine thread which is the mercy of my supervisor. part of me wants to beg for it. the other wants me to suffer in all catholic guilt if it's the only way to redemption. i'm not even catholic.

times like this, people need someone to believe in. a hero, in all essence of the word to remember someone stronger who can pull you up.

a friend of mine recently reconnected and it's funny how i'm suddenly reminded of how God can move through people. I realize that i've spent so much time following my own way, doing what i want to do that i've forgotten about God. and what's weird is as a Christian, isn't His way supposed to be mine? Aren't I built in His likeness? Shouldn't what i want be what He wanted for me when He made me?

i realize that i've been so caught up in my own thing that i've completely neglected everything else in my life. and it's not like i'm even enjoying whatever this life has turned into. nights are spent in dreams that are borderline nightmares, my subconscious warning me of the depths that i've leapt and the darkness up ahead.

someday, will i look back and find beauty in such sweet chaos?

if i were to be completely honest, perhaps I should remember that it was my stupidity, my weakness that lead me here. if i were to be completely honest, do i even have the strength to take the small frail steps back to God?

She said I will find joy in Him. what i'm afraid of is that I won't. I am honest enough to say that. A friend of mine said I will always be this way. I will always be headstrong and rebellious of any thing or any one that stands in my way. If i could only be honest to myself, maybe, just maybe i'll turn around and go home.

There's a song in church that I heard when I last went. It's called Heart of Worship and the lyrics are i'm going back to the heart of worship. it's all about You. the line that struck me was i'm sorry for the thing i made it when it's all about you. Am i ready to make it all about Him and not about me.

there are so many things that need to be fixed that i've forgotten all about which part broke first. i know that my journey back will hurt me more than anyone else and that's what i'm afraid of. it's like peeling off a band-aid that's stuck to your skin. will removing it be quick and painless or will it smart for a week or two?

nothing's clear anymore. perhaps it is time to go back.

the worst feeling, other than feeling alone, is feeling left behind. all around me, i see people fulfilling their bliss. classmates who complain about their salaries but smile when they remember their students. friends who have matured in the Spirit. People who have grown up and no longer have moments of helplessness and drama. when did people start knowing what to do? my feet are stuck. always have been. will it still be stuck in the future?

and the feeling only gets worse when you know you can't be with them and behave normally. you can't ever live a life with people who have followed the right path, stuck to the right people, and live the way they should. you know it's just not meant to be. you cannot be live where they live. you cannot eat what they eat. you are not a part of the plans they make with each other. access denied, contact your system administrator. if being with people who you know cannot be with you for reasons which you are fully aware of is stupidity then perhaps it's time i go back to school. perhaps it's time i take a step back and see what i forgot to do.

she said she doesn't approve of what i've become. my question is, did i become who i am or have i always been this broken, this much of a mess.

as the dad from happyslip.com puts it this is a "DISASTER!!!"

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

gripo moments v2.0

i've been thinking a lot these days about how i wanted to become so many things. when i failed trig, there was a point where i wanted to just take a two year course and start earning asap. during my last years of college, i wanted to embrace the arts. i considered taking classes and read a lot of books to somehow improve my writing. a meeting with my pedxing friends got me thinking about how far i've strayed from the goal. what have i done lately to get me closer to my goal? that's what olive asked us to think about (at least i think that's what she said).

so today, i whipped out my old journal and decided if i can't write really heartbreakingly good stories or poems then i might at least try to flush out all the bad stuff till the good stuff comes out. i once told a friend about gripo moments. it's when you haven't written anything good (or in some cases, haven't written at all) in a while and you need to just keep writing until you get somewhere. take a nasty idea, whip it around and make it work. that's what i'm doing. keep writing till my fingers get sore. keep thinking till i want to cry from the exhaustion. type type type

maybe i can apply this principle elsewhere. maybe i just need to flush things out to get to the good parts. hmmm... interesting.

bleep bleep bloop. this is me signing out.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

unloading zone only

After an hour of sitting (or vacillating, our ex-boarder Cherie liked saying), I realized I really like my age. If you think about it, 7 is my favorite number and 21 is three sevens. I still have license to be crazy. I can still chalk things up to my youth and say "ah! i was younger then" when i'm seventy and wrinkly. After reading comments on my multiply, I guess i am rushing into things rather quickly. I still have lots of time. tons even.

I was sitting sa couch when I suddenly felt so restless. I have this habit of walking around the house in circles. My mom was cooking and when my dad pointed out that I was at it again, she said if I was so bored, why don't I clean or do laundry. Hahahaha i've got lots of time. tons even.

When you work for a contact center, you've no choice but to absorb the culture of time. Be at work fifteen minutes before your shift to pull your applications up. Breaks are fifteen minutes only. No more than that but if you want you can log in early. Shift ends on the dot. Log out of Avaya. Kill the PC. Shove your headset inside your locker. Wash your mug. Go home.

When you think of it that way, time is all we have. Who was it that once said, in the end all we are doing is passing time. What have you done today? What will you tell your children when they ask you how you spent your youth. If time were a currency, should I spend it wisely?

Time time time. I've got loads of it in my locker, in my room (err, the one I share with Fowey), in my backpack. Time time time. I've got lots of time.

greatest hits

Here's a collection of some things I wrote for a group called PedXing. Click here to visit our page. Watch out for us! Malaki laki yung mga plano namin sa buhay! Hahahaha I believe the first short story appeared here na before.

Lipad, Puso, Lipad! 02.25.07

Don’t Wear Those Shoes Out When It’s Raining

Today, I looked at my shoe and I realized the sole was broken. I’ve been ignoring it these past few days but deep inside I knew something was wrong. It’s not how my foot should feel. I wasn’t meant to touch the ground with my sock. I traced the hole with my finger, checking the damage, recreating the scene with images in my mind when the rubber finally gave in to the floor. Maybe there is a heaven where shoes go to rest. Sadly though, this pair isn’t going anywhere but the shoe repair store.

Three weeks ago, I knew exactly how it felt. “If we were really meant to be together then I’m sure nothing will change in a couple of years” he wrote on a Post-it stuck on my door. When I went in, all of his things were gone- the records, the books, everything that vaguely resembled him. But I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. Deep down I knew it was bound to happen. I’m not exactly that naïve to ignore the signals he sent out when we were still together.

Who was it that once said that everyone has a wound to mend or a void to fill? As time went past, I’ve seen all the faces of love- some remotely forgettable, others harshly unforgivable. And these faces blur in front of me like a speeding train. I felt my feeble hands holding on to each one and wondering if this was the one who could heal that innate wound.

With Coltrane on the background, I started wondering what it was that that Post-it meant. I can imagine that he somehow believed in a force that exists in the world which binds two people together in the end, no matter what. And when the cosmos finally arranges for the two to meet, birds will sing, sonnets will be sung, and the clouds, well, they do whatever it is clouds do when it’s a wonderful day. And maybe, just maybe, a Band-aid begins to close the wound in their proverbial hearts.

But after spending time and effort to see the faces of love, I could feel my wound only growing deeper, wider and with each tear, I felt more and more of my flesh being exposed. This brought about a confusion of sorts for if finding the one could fill that void, how come it only grows deeper and darker with each person I let in?

As I walk up to the busy shop with my broken shoe, I see that many people have broken shoes and broken hearts- each one of us trying desperately to fill that void, to patch up that wound, haplessly like a chicken attempting flight. How easy it would be to just turn my back on everything- to leave the image of the speeding train behind and with any luck reclaim the peace that I felt was stolen from me.

I watch as the craftsman gently takes the old sole from my shoe. It’s time to let the past go.

I see him selecting which sole will fit perfectly. Maybe I should be more careful who I let into my life.

As he puts the shoe and the new sole together, a bead of sweat drops to the floor. When the right one comes, I’ll work hard to keep him there.

He wipes the debris off the side of the shoe and after careful inspection declares his job is done. When I’m whole again, my heart can fly.

He wraps the shoe in a plastic bag and after setting my account, hands them to me. With a smile, he said “It’s a good thing it isn’t raining. You wouldn’t want to be stuck with a broken sole and a wet foot.”

I smiled back and said “If only you knew.” If only he knew.



Gusto Kong... 04.23.07

Bridges

Mother always loved bridges. Some of my earliest memories of her were spent on bridges, watching cars and ferries pass by. I loved my mother very much, never knowing that the time we had was sparing, the minutes dwindling like sand sifting through my hands.

She once told me that in many ways, she, too was a bridge. Being young and foolish, I dismissed this as grown-up banter, a feeble explanation of her unexplainable fascination with bridges.

Life with Mother was difficult. When I hungered for food, she fed me with wisdom. Mother never could hold on to a job, let alone one that could pay the rent. I had Tolstoy for breakfast and Nietzsche for supper. Perhaps not a lot of people could say that about themselves. While I never resented her for the lack of care she gave me, part of me knew that there had to be something more.

When she passed away at the age of thirty-nine, I was forced to grow up. She was a carefree spirit and perhaps it was inevitable for her to leave the natural world in search for greater things. Mother always had a flair for drama and her death would even leave Shakespeare in the cold. The bridges which she adored so much when she was alive spelled the end for her, of us. After everything, she could not deny the fact that the waters below were her natural environment.

When my father came to get me, I resisted. If only I could stay here, with her books and her lovely bridges. If only there was some way that she and I could live forever, with the cars and the ferries. It was as if my departure from our home meant i would have to forget her. How could i forget her when i could not forgive her?

In many ways, my mother was a bridge. When she was younger and more passionate, she met my father who at that time was still in school. He was five years her junior, not really sure of his place in the world. Together, they built a short-lived life together. She was not a sturdy bridge, however. As soon as the doctor pulled me into the world, my father packed his bags and left town.

Looking back, I didn't know that I wasn't the only one who was forced to grow up. At age thirty-four, my father lived the life of a bachelor. He spent his days working and his nights meandering in clubs and bars, bedding women left and right. When Mother passed however, all this had to end. I sensed that he somehow resented her for that but he knew his responsibilities could no longer be ignored. There I was, thirteen years of age, practically a man who, like my father, was trying to find my place in the world, looking for sturdy bridges that would take me there.

He looked at me with the eyes of a stranger. Perhaps he expected me to be taller, leaner, more like the son he imagined he'd have. He had the image of a dreamed sky, an expanse of black and midnight blue dotted with countless stars. I was the reality of this sky- gray and holding only one or two beacons of light. The day he took me in was the day the two of us crossed my mother's bridge. It was the day we shed our youth for cloaks of manhood.

To this day, I still wonder if my mother's death had to happen for me and my father to cross paths. Maybe, as she stares at the bridge from the river where she lay, a part of her knows she fulfilled her purpose. As I cross my own bridges in my life (with remarkably less fascination with them, of course), I can't help but feel that without them, what would we have left? Nothing but massive amounts of land and water with no clear way of getting across. There are many bridges in our lives, some made of steel and concrete, others of goodwill and love. Someday, I'll be a bridge, too and hopefully, understand why my mother had to sacrifice her life for me to get across.

Fear 08.12.06

Cure
I arrive at your doorstep, hair still stringy from the rain and said "I'm better now" as though loving you was a disease to be cured. You let me in and we straddle the line once again of lovers and friends, of pagans and gods. You look into my eyes, I stare at the hopelessness in your pupils. “Moments like this, I know God exists”, you said emptily. I stare at your hands firmly locked with mine. How empty they seemed before tonight! How each finger’s distance seemed to be measured in eternities and not centimeters! One day, you’ll look back at this moment and be filled with such regret. You could’ve had me but you were stuck wishing I’d somehow turn into him or turn into you. Years from now, you will only be a cloud or a shadow of the man you wanted me to be. “I’m better now”, I said, afraid I’ll lose you; lying through my teeth if only to get another taste of you.


Alternative Life 08.12.07



Querida
The mistress shares secrets with the night.
The stars her witness, the moon
Her judge and jury
For at night, why is it that all seems right?
Who are we really afraid of? Tell me
Are you afraid she’ll see us?
Am I afraid of the sun
For it casts light on darkened alleyways?
Or are we afraid that underneath
All the bullshit we hand feed each other
There is no love here.
Only empathy
Sympathy
Possibly even apathy
I’ll keep licking your wounds if you promise
To keep salting mine.
The mistress unties the stifled door chimes
Why is it that at night, all seems right?
At night all seems right




fin


Saturday, August 11, 2007

burtdey

so, i'm 21. ugh, i feel older already. my skin feels leathery.

thanks to all those who greeted me. sorry i wasn't able to reply promptly. i get my sleep when i can.

birthdays are just a painful reminder of how we are all so moribund. gawd, i can't believe i feel so old.

*yawn* am tired. nothing much to blog about. so i'll just fill the remainder of the space with useless banter.

thoughts and emotions are two different things. when you feel a thought or think of an emotion, is it the verb or the noun that takes precedence?

if pickles are pickled and fries are fried, what do you call a fried pickle? what about a pickled fry?

blahdiblahdiblah lorem ipsum dolor.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

imitator, imitator, growing up to be a papaya (?)

i'm following suit! i saw this thing in achi's and dawg's multiply(s) and i started laughing instantly. it's really fun. i so love the yeah yeah yeahs (i remember joel thinks they're weird).. ooh ooh! ooh ooh! ooh ooh!


Create Your Own PaloozaHead - Visit Lollapalooza.com

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

oh gawd, what have i done?

when i signed up for employment, as in literally while i was filling out HR forms, i didn't realize this was going to be such a roller coaster. i must admit that when the day's good, it really is so much fun. but when it's bad, ugh, you end up wishing the ground would swallow you whole.

after a particularly difficult call, a subject matter expert approached me and told me i was doing a good job. he said that call was beautiful and in turn, i felt super super. i had a smile on my face even on my twenty minute calls. i felt like nothing could faze me.

segue to an hour later, same SME runs to my seat and tells me to review the account. gawd, what an idiot i was. i missed a crucial bit of information (which is all i could really say) and nearly released the call with the person having grossly incorrect information. gawd, i wanted to hide under my monitor but the beeping in my headset told me to snap out of it and take the next call.

the SME's are a bunch of seasoned agents from the US that i really respect and adore. they're very nice and are more than happy to assist you when you're so ready to give up. getting a kind word from them may happen a lot but you still feel super super afterwards.

voila, one hour later there's a random phone search on the floor. guess the name of the idiot with his (did i mention broken) phone still in his pocket. duh, of course cellphones aren't allowed on the production floor. ding!

ugh, from superstar agent to superstar loser. days like this being underground seems like such a lovely escape.

and on top of all that, there was the shame of having to have my phone searched. i felt so bad because my phone isn't exactly in tiptop shape.

but it wasnt all bad. i learned a valuable lesson and my TM really stuck her head out for me and came through on so many levels. it was a lesson i needed to learn and so i guess all's not lost.

still, the climate underground seems like a lovely escape.

maybe i should clone myself and become a dugtrio. anyone else know what i'm talking about. these digletts and dugtrios really know how to live. just pop up whenever, wherever.

ugh, my train of thought's busted. maybe it's time to get some sleeeepp.padasdssdfdfd..zzzzzzzz

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

of payslips and slipups

i just got my payslip this morning and i guess it finally dawned on me that i am now a tax paying, SSS contributing member of society. how weird it is to find myself complaining about how the government is taking my money whereas when I was but a student I thought of it as a necessity for a proper nation. now i'm just smarting from the money i have no choice but to give.

which reminds me of my upcoming birthday. i once wrote in my journal that this was the last summer of my youth and I guess i never bothered to think about all that those words mean. i am getting older. there's less room for mistakes now that I'm expected to be more, to do more..

maybe it's just me. next week, i've got a better shift at work so I can finally clock in some decent hours of sleep.

*yawn*

Sunday, July 29, 2007

mamooomarikapoo

I'm officially moved in. i remember sitting on the floor wiping my gazillions of pirated discs while listening to Switchfoot's you and the sound of a gay neighbor bickering and thinking, gawd this is life now. no more yearning for the sound of buses opening at three in the morning when the darkness won't lend itself to sleep. no more coffee breaks at the pool while the morning mist gives me a quick shower. no more shying away from telling people where i live so they won't think ill of me. now there's a croaky teenager next door strumming his guitar, singing narda off key as i hear the next door neighbor maid gossip about how the neighbors like to leave the gate unlocked at night. i sit up in bed wondering how i ever found such beauty in chaos, such solace in disillusion.

and i look at the mirror, stare at my hollow eyes wondering how it's been so long since I've gotten some decent sleep, or clocked some decent hours at church, or even spent time in prayer. i'm stuck thinking about how many minutes i spend each call or how many lives I've got to waste. as i eat this overly-sweet fudge bar, i touch my tumtum thinking "gawd, i need to lose weight"

checking my mail, i see a reminder of my priorities. old friends who want to reconnect, groups that I've neglected, friendly reminders of birthdays, and the occasional useless forward.

one day I'll look back and remember this chaos. will i still find beauty then?

Friday, July 20, 2007

vanity and other musings

N.Y.L.: not yet licensed, never yielding loser, never yesterday's life, new year's less-solutions, needing your losses, new young liar, Nefartiti's youngest liaison, nowhere yet leaving, nothing yet living

and so on...

I just realized with a name this small, I could've stood for a lot of (rather corny) things. on days like this when i'm sleepy but cannot sleep, I find myself to be full of useless cliches.

you can take the cheese from the boy but you can never take the country out of the girl, or something like that.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

running running as fast as we can!

It's hard to believe that two years ago in this post, i was taking pictures of my brand new window's view. now, two years older (and wiser!), I sadly look out my room's window and find *sigh* a big 'ol wall.

yes, after two years of living above the city, we have finally moved. the new place is a three bedroom apartment smack in the middle of somewhere. the people here are nice although i sometimes feel like i'm stuck in the middle of a big private joke.

my first friend is a persian named Paris. a persian kitty that is. as i lay crumpled, keyless, in front of the locked front door, Paris kept me company. Although to be honest, I believe she stayed for the chin rubbies..

everything's fine now. at first, i didn't want to move but after seeing the new place and how in the end, we're all better off here, i started to enjoy it. there's a jollibee, mcdonald's, a mercury drug, and a cheapo grocery nearby. and to top it all off, i found a P20/hour internet place. I know it's so petty but it's these little things you get accustomed to.

so anyways, i feel a little sick today. it's really funny how a sore throat can spell the end of the world when you're an analyst. despite my best efforts, i showed up for my monday shift almost voice-less and swollen. my TM, in all her infinite niceness, politely sent me home. I felt so bad. I didn't even realize i loved working so much until I physically could not do it. after a particularly long call with a chatty Indian woman, I excused myself and went home.

Which really doesnt surprise me by the way. I had a feeling i'd lose my voice. after two weeks of being mentally and verbally constipated, i finally let go and the effects was bittersweet. two hours later, i croaked my last audible sentence (or it could've been a line from a song)

so now, i'm slowly getting my voice back. an analyst with no voice is like a soldier without a rifle or a student without a pencil- useless and wasteful. i had to take a deduction for being sent home so I strived to be as healthy as i can. In a span of two days, I've OD'd on the following: salabat, salt and water solution, warm to borderline hot water, pei pa koa lozenges, valda pastilles, strepsils and mentos (oh, mentos. must you be so cruel?). it's funny how i've managed to become orally fixated because of a sore throat.

so anyway, i don't believe i'm making much sense anymore. i really hope i get my voice back. life's too complicated as it is.

Monday, July 16, 2007

vampires log on at night

when i was younger, i used to think i'd grow up to take over the world. now, i do it one fraudulent account at a time. all the bad feelings i had from last post simply melted away last friday.

i remember a couple of months ago, a good friend of mine was convincing me to teach. i had informed her of my chosen career as a glorified answering machine and she was a litte upset. i asked her what was so bad about it. she said it starts this way and sooner or later, they've pacified my ego enough to make me stay.

last friday, we graduated from training and the trainer gave out awards. i wasn't expecting an award but i got to take home two. i had sorta made a game on keeping my talk time low and i ended up bagging the lowest AHT award which was really nice. it felt nice that i'm in a place where i can really excel.

i also got an award for quality which is really rare. at times, u either have one or the other. u can either have speed or quality. i loved that i'm the antithesis of what they thought i'd become. all those people who told me i'd never amount to anything, i've got two certs to prove you otherwise!!!

and maybe they are just pacifying my ego but this industry has got me feeling really nice. i finally understand why so many people stay in this industry. at the end of the day, it's not the pay that gives me peace of mind. it's the fact that i was, despite being miles away and technically a minor, able to save the company and the customer some cash. it gives me a feeling of warmth when i close an account and open a new one. it's hard to explain. it's one of those things that u've got to see to believe. like being humbled at the sight of road kill. we are so small. the world is so big. it's nice to know that at the end of the day, i can still make a difference in someone's life.

someone once said i was a credit to the company. that fact alone makes me happy, certificates or not.

so the vampire logs off again. stay tuned.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

native tongue

nung bata pa ako, andami kong pangarap. gusto ko sana maging guro, maging doktor, maging engineer. may mga araw, katulad ng araw nato na napapaisip ako kung ano na kaya nangyari dun sa batang yun. baka sa gitna ng paglimangpung tawag ko, nalunod na sya. nalunod sa mga kailangan gawin para sa mga customer.

kung may pagkakataon, nais ko syang kausapin. siguro, maiintindihan naman nya kung bakit hindi ako naging guro, doktor, o engineer. siguro naman maiintindihan niya na mas importante sakin makaluwag. dun ko na binubunot ang kaligayahan ko. malamang nga maiintindihan nya kasi ako siya at siya ako.

balang araw, alam kong aalis din ako dito. balang araw, mararanasan ko muli mainitan ng araw habang nanananghalian. ngunit hanggang dumating ang araw na yun, dapat ko munang kalimutan na minsa'y may batang nangarap.

inaantok na ako. kaya siguro nasesenti. sawang sawa na ako mag-ingles. pwede bang magtagalog nalang tayo lahat?

kahapon, naintindihan ko na rin ang suliranin ng lahat ng mga magulang sa buong mundo. ganun pala yun no. nagtampo ako sa atm ko. wala kasing laman. pero nung dumating ang sweldo ko, ayus na lahat. parang tinarantado ka ng anak mo pero isang sandal lang sa balikat mo, napapawi lahat ng galit at tampo. malamang siguro, handa na ako maging mabuting ama sa aking atm.

log out na. tulog na.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

daily frustrations

As I'm writing this, the computer clock tells me it's 11:27 but my body clock says it's almost midnight. I slept for about two hours only to wake up at around 9am this morning. Lately, i've been having a hard time staying in bed. Getting to sleep is fine but if completely left alone, I's only get two to three hours of sleep a day.

Payday's next wednesday and frankly, i can't wait. amidst the rush of buying work clothes and eating real food during lunch breaks, I didn't realize I turned into such a spending hog. All that's going to change. It has to. Mind over matter.... mind over matter...

I was watching this Hilary Duff flick on HBO and it was that one with Heather Locklear and Ms. Duff was a blogger. I just realized how poorly some lines were written. I don't think I've ever heard (or read) anyone start their blog with "Hey there bloggers!". Usually, I talk to the readers but I've never addressed them collectively. It was kind of freaky.

In a few hours, i'm looking forward to gettign some coffee. It's one of those days and I think I have enough time for some caffeine. I figured at this rate, I'll never get to sleep so I might as well just do everything in my power to stay awake.

Daily frustration, well more like weekly... I was in the office and I was Googling people (I heard it was a really big offense and I could lose my bonus so let's hope no one else reads this!) and I found some poems that a colleague wrote. So i was looking for some of my own poetry so I googled "pugnosedfreakazoid poetry". I got a couple of hits, most of which were not linked to my poems. So to see what was up, I googled "pugnosedfreakazoid" and the events that followed were both a rush and a disappointment.

I was nominated for a Philippine Blog Award. *aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah*

Here's the catch: the contest ended last February and I totally lost.

Frustration... Elation... Precipitation... All this and I had to keep a straight face in front of the trainers at the office. At first, I was all "Wow! This is a great honor!" but after a while I got to thinking and I saw that many of the nominated blogs were able to promote their site. I checked out the criteria and there's a whole percentage on traffic and stuff. Looking at my blog in February, it wasn't much. Had I knoiwn, I might have done a lot more than just bitch about my life.

A blog is about self-expression and I guess if I angled myself a certain way, I wouldn't be true to what a blog should be.

Anyway, it's really got me confused since I checked out the nominating procedures and they seem a bit complicated. I honestly think I'd remember filling out entry forms and stuff. Which means someone who frequents this blog must've nominated me. That alone got me really freaked out.

In my moment of confusion, I started looking at my competitors. A lot of them have domains and stuff which although is nice and all seemed kinda against the whole "grassroots" theme. Well, I guess their blogs have really taken off, giving them branches and leaves and a huge trunk. Maybe I'm just bitter but a lot of those blogs were reaaaaaly cool. As in! (Here's the link if you wanna check them out) It was then I realized that it really was an honor to be nominated. And the fact that I had nothing to do with the nomination makes it even sweeter. My blog has had 223 posts (this is 224) over about 4 years and while I've been posting quite heavily, if you take a look at the criteria, I'm so not there yet. I don't deserve to be in their level. Basically, my consistency is pretty much shot. Anyway, I'm taking the advice of my friends and just continue to post at my own pace and if they notice me again, maybe.. just maybe... i'll start a campaign.

So that's my frustration today. That and my inability to sleep. I think I'm starting to make peace with the award thing. I should just focus on what I started this blog for right? Oh well...

Monday, June 18, 2007

update: employment

There are 24 hours in a day, 8 of which go to work, another 8 should ideally go to sleep which leaves me wondering where the other 8 go.

i was over at a friend's party and he was sprinkling sugar on my head. I asked him why he had taken to this peculiar action, seeing as this was definitely not his first attempt. He said he was making me sweeter.

I didn't realize that I had somehow lost my edge, my innate ability to find the upside of things. and so I said "ang hilig mong paglaruan yung asukal" but what I really wanted to say was "ang hilig mo akong paglaruan".

today, it's been two months and ten days since my last blog post. looking at my archives, it's funny how i seemed to have had a penchant towards drama. i've considered starting a new blog aimed at decreasing said drama percentage in my 222 blog posts but I now realize that my work hours prevent me from doing so.

some time between my last post and today, i decided that my life will have as little drama as possible.

my last post was about unemployment and the pressure i felt to look for a job. today, i begin what would be my fifth week at Chase and already, i feel different. i feel older and more responsible and suddenly, everything that felt necessary becomes unnecessary. paychecks give way to looking for work clothes rather than trips to the local movie pirates. it's funny but more or less, i am different.

at times, i wake up in the middle of the afternoon and wonder how i found myself in this position. as a student, i expressed my extreme belief that education students should teach, not answer telephones. it's been an emotional roller coaster for me. I've never had to change beliefs at such a rapid pace but now that I work for a contact center, i realize that there's more to it than others make you believe. we all have our stereotype for agents. they smoke like chimneys and have coffee IVs and speak with a weird accent. my own father sat me down and told me about how a co-worker was griping about how his son's been smoking too much and drinking too much coffee and i didn't want to tell him that such generalizations are stereotypes. although the culture has been enticing, i can honestly say i have not adapted to the culture as much as others would have. i still say "judate" and i don't say "becuzzzz".

I was with a friend and he was saying how he used to be really gothic sans makeup and piercings. I said i didn't know that goth had a subculture and he said subcultures indeed have subcultures. looking at my present situation, i am part of a subculture, of people who day-mongers never see. but inside that subculture are more subcultures. it's amazing how people who speak English well have become the minority in this profession. It's a point easily proven by anyone who's been to Makati at three in the morning.

I have made a lot of new friends and I'm glad that these are people who have chosen to come into my life and stay. In an exercise during voice and accent training, we were asked to write a couple of goals. being a trained teacher, i had cognitive, affective and psychomotor goals. my affective goal was to build real friendships with people and i can honestly say that I have accomplished that. Cheesiness aside, I pride myself in having found two really amazing people who let me be me. I now see that I am in a place where I no longer have to be the person I once was. For once, i can just be me.

Work does have some challenges though. Recently, I've gotten into a little argument with one of the trainers and it was nice to see that I have definitely not lost my edge. i'm still me. it's all i know and it's all i'll ever be.

Ex-goth friend asked me once what I would change if i could change anything. He then followed this with something that stuck in my head. he said that there is a possibility of changing yourself so drastically but without compromising your personality. as i've proven in previous posts, i am a person who is wholly capable of creating and cultivating drama. and though i have decided to give all that up, i can honestly say that i am still me.

my goodness, i've just re-read this whole post and realized that none of it makes sense. maybe it's the lack of sleep. I'm due at work in eight hours and if i should ever get the chance to catch some zzzzz's, i should just leave now before i babble some more.

and so i leave with this: some people may think i've sold out, that i've left my chosen profession, taking the easy way out but when you think about it, unless you're a celebrity or someone really famous, when it gets down to it you work to get paid. it's really not rocket science. in fact i spend a lot of hours thinking how a robot could easily force me to unemployment. it's not complicated but it's a living. and i can honestly say that despite the weird hours and the never getting to see my family anymore, this job leaves me financially afloat, something that i've never experienced before. and should the day come when an expertly coded machine takes my job, i'll always have this picture to remind me of the good old days. :D

Sunday, April 8, 2007

the world

it's funny how i find myself in this place right now. it feels like an imagined sky- the one you see in your dreams with five million stars in the sky. but as you step outside, all you see is the dark and some semblance of the moon. the stars are barely visible from the metropolis smog.

i've heard it said so many times that i dont even want to say it but it's true: i am standing at a crossroads. now that i've graduated, the whole world should open up but i'm stuck to the ground, my slippers broken and welded to the concrete. instead of open doors, i hear them banging. i am stuck. what the fuck am i supposed to do?

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

lipad, puso, lipad!!!

i'm posting the story i wrote for pedxing which took place last sunday sa sunken garden. the theme was lipad, puso, lipad!!! (feb na feb, diba) and right after, nagpalipad kami ng balloons. it was sooooo kawaii.

now before we begin, i just want to give the background of what you're about to read. i thought of some characters from stories i wrote in the past and i wanted one of them to be a little happier since i felt the theme called for a more optimistic point of view. i thought of the girl from filipino in sicily who got left behind and stuff. altering it a little bit, i got to write something. so anyways, here it is.

Don’t Wear Those Shoes Out When It’s Raining


Today, I looked at my shoe and I realized the sole was broken. I’ve been ignoring it these past few days but deep inside I knew something was wrong. It’s not how my foot should feel. I wasn’t meant to touch the ground with my sock. I traced the hole with my finger, checking the damage, recreating the scene with images in my mind when the rubber finally gave in to the floor. Maybe there is a heaven where shoes go to rest. Sadly though, this pair isn’t going anywhere but the shoe repair store.

Three weeks ago, I knew exactly how it felt. “If we were really meant to be together then I’m sure nothing will change in a couple of years” he wrote on a Post-it stuck on my door. When I went in, all of his things were gone- the records, the books, everything that vaguely resembled him. But I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. Deep down I knew it was bound to happen. I’m not exactly that naïve to ignore the signals he sent out when we were still together.

Who was it that once said that everyone has a wound to mend or a void to fill? As time went past, I’ve seen all the faces of love- some remotely forgettable, others harshly unforgivable. And these faces blur in front of me like a speeding train. I felt my feeble hands holding on to each one and wondering if this was the one who could heal that innate wound.

With Coltrane on the background, I started wondering what it was that that Post-it meant. I can imagine that he somehow believed in a force that exists in the world which binds two people together in the end, no matter what. And when the cosmos finally arranges for the two to meet, birds will sing, sonnets will be sung, and the clouds, well, they do whatever it is clouds do when it’s a wonderful day. And maybe, just maybe, a Band-aid begins to close the wound in their proverbial hearts.

But after spending time and effort to see the faces of love, I could feel my wound only growing deeper, wider and with each tear, I felt more and more of my flesh being exposed. This brought about a confusion of sorts for if finding the one could fill that void, how come it only grows deeper and darker with each person I let in?

As I walk up to the busy shop with my broken shoe, I see that many people have broken shoes and broken hearts- each one of us trying desperately to fill that void, to patch up that wound, haplessly like a chicken attempting flight. How easy it would be to just turn my back on everything- to leave the image of the speeding train behind and with any luck reclaim the peace that I felt was stolen from me.

I watch as the craftsman gently takes the old sole from my shoe. It’s time to let the past go.

I see him selecting which sole will fit perfectly. Maybe I should be more careful who I let into my life.

As he puts the shoe and the new sole together, a bead of sweat drops to the floor. When the right one comes, I’ll work hard to keep him there.

He wipes the debris off the side of the shoe and after careful inspection declares his job is done. When I’m whole again, my heart can fly.

He wraps the shoe in a plastic bag and after setting my account, hands them to me. With a smile, he said “It’s a good thing it isn’t raining. You wouldn’t want to be stuck with a broken sole and a wet foot.”

I smiled back and said “If only you knew.” If only he knew.

Monday, February 12, 2007

thirty wurty






i know, i know it's been eons since my last post. and to think i was so eager in my anger these past few blog days. anyway, a lot has happened. i've read so much, seen so much, so to make things easy, i decided to come up with a simple concept. thirty word reviews. these haiku-esque limited reviews are easy to make, especially if you're a lazy lima bean like me!












BABEL
Directed by Alejandro González Iñárritu


Babel stressed me out but it was so worth it. everyone here was stellar. i love the whole international thing. in the end, i wanted to come home to mother!




LITTLE CHILDREN
Directed by
Todd Field


I first heard of Little Children from Jay Leno. It's a lovely way of viewing freedom and how some people go to extremes to get it. A modern Madam Bovary.





PowerBooks Sale


I went with a friend and it was really fun. I found Murakami books at a low price. Beware though that some books are cheaper/easier to get at National.




VINTAGE MURAKAMI


Perfect for people who want to get acquainted with the lovely Haruki. Contains short stories and a chapter from a book I regretted not buying (Underground). Short but very interesting!


THE GIVER
Lois Lowry


Don't you just love Lois Lowry? Here's another treat for those who just love her style of writing. With a flashlight, I read it under covers all in one night.


Zsa Zsa Saturnah (Musical) - Eula Valdes is a goddess. I am convinced she can save the Philippines. I saw the movie and this totally kicks Rustom Padilla's behind. Even the cheesy song sounds better. (note: it's the one that the love interest sings)





That's pretty much it! I know the concept of thirty word reviews sounds easy but if you're a blabber like me, it's hell! *cough cough* maybe when i'm less lazy, i can finally formalize my thoughts and write something worthwhile.


On the homefront, things are fine. I know my last post was an all out war but things turned out fine. I'm mostly different, I feel I'm older now and a little wiser. I'm starting to write again and I'm hanging out with people who promote that. I've also learned that I've got a knack for empathy.


I'm still confused with what I want to do after graduation. Something tells me I won't be teaching after grad but I'm still hoping I find out what my true passion is in the coming months.


I'm behind everything: sleep, schoolwork, life in general. I feel like I'm holding my breath under water and I'm about to come up for fresh air.


One day, it will all make sense.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

an affidavit for a clear conscience

Subtitled: Crisis No.1 (Extended Remix)


Disclaimer: I’m not defaming anybody or bringing anybody down. Every story has two sides. This is mine. This narration is, of course, at times incoherent since all these events have meshed together in my head. The dialogue and stuff might be a bit off key. For everyone’s sanity, I did not mention a single name.

Silence is, indeed such a powerful weapon. In several occasions, it has caused the mighty to fall and the weak to rise. I’ve learned firsthand what silence can do to people and though I stand behind my decision to keep mum about everything, I feel that there is a need to explain what really happened.

This is the first and last time you’ll hear this story for after this I shall forget about this mess. For reasons I cannot fully disclose, I am a firm believer that all things happen for a reason (yes, even fallouts) and this is just one of those things.

The Premise (December 2006)
It started simple enough, borderline stupid actually. I needed a textbook to create a lesson plan. My partner and I shared this textbook. I made arrangements to meet him on a Sunday since his house was pretty near our church and it would be convenient for the both of us. He said the book wasn’t with him. It was with his girlfriend who also happened to be a good friend of mine. I made a mental note to text her when I could.

Now this was the time when my phone was kinda iffy so it was really hard to text anybody. On Sunday, I borrowed my mom’s phone and sent an SMS to my partner’s girlfriend, making arrangements on where we could meet. By the time my mom and I separated, I still hadn’t received a reply.

When my mom and I did get to meet two hours later, I read her reply that the textbook was with my partner already. (confused much?) The car was already in EDSA, too late to meet with him at the original rendezvous.

So I texted my partner and I asked him very nicely if he and I could meet in Gateway instead. His replies were surprising and mean-natured. He asked why I didn’t just meet him near our church and why didn’t I just stick to the original plan. I told him I really didn’t know that the book was with him and I asked him why he was getting mad. I said if that was how it was going down then I didn’t want to meet him anymore since he obviously was busy with grades and stuff. It was a simple lesson about the drawing toolbar in MS Word which I could have had other sources.

But it was too late. I soon found myself in a war of words, mostly me defending myself against his cruel accusations. Based on his messages, I can only surmise that I was often misunderstood. When I said “Never mind. Bahala na.”, he must’ve thought I was making him feel guilty when in fact I was thinking I could make the lesson plan without the textbook. (In fact the book only had two or three pages about the drawing toolbar so I did use other sources). When I said “Nakakahiya naman sa iyo.”, he must’ve thought I was being sarcastic.

His last text was “Hindi, papunta na akong Gateway. Nakakahiya naman kasi sa iyo.” Now that was sarcastic. I could taste the anger from the letters in his message. At this point, I wasn’t being very nice, that much I’m willing to admit for I couldn’t understand why he was so damn ornery. I said “Bahala ka. Pumunta kang Gateway. Wala ako dun.” Of course I didn’t want him to go there. It was a waste of time and money since I was already online looking for better resources. But then he replied “Alam na alam ko yang ugali mo. Nandito na ako sa Gateway. Pumunta ka na.

I had no choice. I picked up my belongings and walked to the MRT. When I reached Gateway, I was thinking what I was going to say to him. We were magka-barkada and as much as possible, I didn’t want this to affect our friendship. I decided I would buy him coffee for all his efforts and I told him to meet me at Coffee Bean. When he finally arrived, he handed me the book and turned around. I was able to mutter a few incoherent syllables as he walked away.

Sitting at the Coffee Bean, I got to thinking. I decided to send him another message because though we both had our faults, I wanted to be the bigger man. I said “Salamat sa pagdala nung libro. Kalimutan nalang natin yung kanina. Nagkainitan lang siguro ng ulo. Sayang, umalis ka na agad kanina. Lilibre pa naman kita sana ng kape.” To which he replied a similar message so I felt this whole thing was finally under rug swept.

The next day however, it was very different. Our supervising teacher told me that my partner needed me to do something. I went over to him and said “May ipapagawa ka daw sa akin?” He was busy writing names of students with incomplete requirements but certainly not too busy to turn around and tell me what it was he needed me to do. I stood for about fifteen seconds (but really it seemed like an hour) waiting for his response. I assumed he was still smarting from the day before so I gave up and told my teacher that he didn’t need my help after all. She looked at me and it seemed like she knew there was a fight (even before I did) so I’m guessing he told her about it (don’t quote me on that, I don’t have any proof).

It was then it dawned on me. I had gotten myself in another stupid situation.

Here’s where it gets twisty. We had spent Paskuhan together and even had a small sleep-over where everything was nice and fuzzy but when New Year came, everything seemed so different.

New Year, New Life (January 3 onwards)
On the first day we had to go back to school, I met up with a friend so I couldn’t really hang out with them. The day after that though was really different.

I know I’m not making the most sense when I say that I can feel when things between two people have changed. It’s like you almost know that it’s different. There’s less laughter in your conversation. It’s not as easy to talk to the person anymore. That’s exactly what I felt. I remember it was a Thursday and I was finally able to join them for lunch. I had a feeling that my barkada was going to see a movie after class. I waited for someone to tell me about it, since I felt that things were different and I needed confirmation since I really don’t want to show up uninvited. When our class ended at four, I picked up my bag from my locker. I even ran into them at the staircase. However, when I went back to the lobby, they were all gone. I checked my phone but no one texted me.

In the olden days, when there’s a gimik planned, it was protocol to seek each other out. For example, if I was in the office, someone would come up for me or at least send a text informing me of their coordinates. This time was different. This time, I was not invited.

They didn’t have to tell me twice. I exited the building and texted one of my friends. I said “Nasan kayo? Iniwan niyo ako.” I crossed the street and looked for a ride.

About fifteen to twenty minutes later, he replied “Office”. That’s it, one word.

By then it was too late. The FX was in Welcome - Rotonda, a good thirty minutes away and I wasn’t in the mood to turn around and go back to school.

This friend and I continued texting and after several messages, I was finally able to say what I though about the whole thing. “As if naman hindi mo alam na fini-phase out na ako sa group.” I wanted him to refute my last statement but instead, he said “Ayaw mo lang kasi sumama.” Bingo, confirmation of the whole thing. They were going out.

I made arrangements with an old friend of mine to meet in Gateway since the whole situation was really stressing me out. Over Vegetable Tempuras and Frio Mixx Shakes, I told her about the whole thing and it was funny because she couldn’t believe it. These were people she knew so well and I can imagine she was thinking it was all in my head.

All that was about to change. On our way home, we ran into them at the escalator, my so-called friends. I knew that they went out but seeing them there with my own two eyes made it seem so real. It was a scene straight from the movies with matching suspenseful musical score. My partner, his girlfriend, and my friend. All that was missing was our other friend (who incidentally is seemingly unfazed by this whole deal and I really miss hanging out with him). Only my friend acknowledged my presence with an exaggerated smile. I thing my partner’s girlfriend made a little eye contact, feigning surprise. My friend (the one I was hanging out with) couldn’t believe her eyes. She said “(Ang plastic ng ngiti niya.) Sorry talaga. Naniniwala na akong totoo yung pinagsasasabi mo.

That was all the confirmation I needed. That meant it wasn’t just in my head. Before parting ways she said “Not that I’m fanning the flames or anything but I don’t think you can easily be rid of them. I don’t think you’re that strong.” This became my mantra and my inspiration to be a stronger person despite the fact that I was losing my friends.

That Friday, I went to the Computer Laboratory and they were there. Expecting to have lunch with them, I made arrangements to meet with a friend of mine who had PE with me at 1 so we could discuss our game plan. I was on my cellphone and when I turned around, voila. They’ve really perfected the whole disappearing act.

I texted smiley friend and said “Iniwan niyo nanaman ako. Alam ko na kung sino true friends ko.

That night, I went to an art show in UST (pictures soon!) and I got to talking with this friend of mine and I said maybe this is God’s way for me to become a different and better person. Like I said in a previous post, I wanted to be a better person and I don’t think I could do that with my current friends. I wanted to talk philosophy and literature and so many things that my current friends and I never talked about.

That morning (about 3 AM), I checked my phone after I plugged it in. It was my smiley friend (from the escalator) informing me of a thesis meeting at 9 AM. I had asked them that afternoon if we would meet on Saturday. One of my group mates said she’d text me if we would meet. When my phone died at about 9 PM, I assumed we weren’t meeting so I went ahead and stayed as late as I wanted to. To receive a message that was sent at 12:30 AM about a thesis meeting eight and a half hours later was simply preposterous. I told him they should’ve told me earlier and that I had just gotten home. I would go to the meeting tomorrow but I doubt if I’ll be early.

First thing I did when I woke up was I texted my partner’s girlfriend. I really gave her a piece of my mind. I was still sleepy but I was really giving it to her. I said if they had told me earlier, as agreed, that we would meet, I could’ve made the 9 AM call time. If they wanna shit on me and our friendship when in school, that’s perfectly fine. But this was different. This was my thesis, my grades, my future. Don’t mess with that.

She said she texted my old number (prepaid) which I found hard to believe since I had announced to everybody that I was using an old-new number (postpaid). She said “Dun nga kita tinext. Kung ayaw mo maniwala edi wag.” She seemed mad.

Random Learning
I knew I was hurting her but I was the aggravated party here. I was the one being phased out. I was the one they left behind and excluded on everything.

I was beginning to see that I was losing my worth in the group and maybe that’s why they never felt it was necessary to talk about what was happening. They just let me slip away, only talking to me when they really needed to. I remember thinking “Tapos, pag-thesis okay na lahat?! No way! Use me in a sentence, why don’t you?”

I managed to get through the week, drowning myself in layout work and occasionally meeting up with old friends. I finally learned how to eat lunch alone and that a whole pizza will never be ignored in a room full of hungry EJ staffers.

Every now and then, I miss them. I really miss the bus rides home with Unfazed Friend. I miss Nora-Eva moments with Smiley Friend. I miss corny jokes with Partner and I miss inane musings with Partner’s Girlfriend.

It’s All Coming Back
Yesterday however was a painful reminder of what was happening. As I was cleaning my phone’s inbox, I came across a message that smiley friend sent me in which he was basically saying that they never changed their attitude towards me and how it was all in my head and that I was the one who pulled away and how I should “lower my pride” and apologize to my partner. I sent him a message that basically said “I just reread your long message and I just wanna say that on top of all things, I’m not mad. I’m just nagta-tampo. I don’t think I should apologize because honestly, from the textbook to everything else, I don’t see a single fault in my actions.”

At 11 that night, he texted me and said he just read my message. It starts nicely enough. He said if I was mad or nagtatampo, I should’ve just told them. I shouldn’t have texted my partner’s girlfriend because she really felt bad. He said he thinks things shouldn’t have turned out that way and that I should’ve been calmer. Apparently, the situation was growing. He assured me that he wasn’t mad but he isn’t pleased about the whole thing either. He also invited me to play badminton with them the next day.

A good friend invited me (same person who invited them) to the same thing while we were hanging out and I declined because my old friends were going to be there.

He added that we weren’t doing anything wrong to each other so we didn’t have problems. What he didn’t appreciate is that I wasn’t hanging out with them anymore (how could I when no one was inviting me anymore!!!) and that I sent all these nasty messages to my partner’s girlfriend. He said I should think about what I did and assured me that everything’s not lost in terms of our friendship and that I should, again “lower my pride.” In fact his exact words were “Walang masama kung ikaw yung magpakumbaba.” Obviously, I was turning into this villain in their eyes. It was obvious, none of them understood me.

I replied, restating that I will not apologize for I have done them no wrong. I tried to write it as nicely as possible but inside I wasn’t that calm. Sino ba yung nang-iwan? Sino yung naging different? Sino ba naging awkward?! SINO?!

He said that not apologizing was my decision but I should just remember all the good times we had and all the good times I was missing because I was acting like a prissy fool. He said I hope you enjoyed your time with us, making it seem that our time was really over. Finished. Finito.

His last statement struck a negative cord. Lahat naman tayo may ugali. Tiyagaan nalang at pasensiya. Kaya nga barkada kasi nagkakaintindihan, diba?

No, smiley friend. How can you say ang barkada nagkakaintindihan when not a single one of you bothered to understand what I was going through. Not a single person even asked me what the fuck was going on. They just let me drift away like whatever.

Finally, he said if I was ready and the tension had seized, I should just tell them. Everyone’s willing to talk and fix things. The next part’s going to be verbatim because it really, really, really opened my eyes. “Look, ako jinojoke nila minsan. Ang plastic ko daw kasi kinakausap kita or tinetext. Pero joke lang nila yun. Sabi ko wala ka naming ginagawa sa akin kaya okay tayo. Pero ang ayaw ko din siyempre, yung mga times na nadadamay yung ibang di dapat madamay. Tsaka siyempre, ayaw ko do na sumasama loob ng isa sa grupo. Tinext mo si (---), sumama loob niya. Wala naman siya ginagawa eh. Naiipit din siya. Hindi talaga maganda yung mga tinext mo kaya siyempre, sasama loob niya. Kami naman, dapat di mo yun ginawa.”

This is what this text told me:

  1. They admit that there is tension.
  2. They think he (Smiley friend) is plastic for continuing talking to me.
  3. Ergo, I’m the enemy. (ugh, like I said in the last post, how incredibly high school!) Why else would talking to me equate Smiley friend as a hypocrite?
  4. They think I’m an evil, evil man who orchestrated this big mess to include people who aren’t supposed to be included in the fight. All in my head.
  5. My texts of retaliation over the 9 AM call time was seen as offensive and not defensive.
  6. They must think I’m a bad, bad man.
What they don’t understand is:
  1. I never meant for any of this to happen.
  2. I am incredibly sensitive when people feel differently towards me.
  3. I wouldn’t have reacted if I didn’t honestly feel bad.
  4. Here’s what I think about my texts to Partner’s Girlfriend. They faze me out of gimiks, of lunch, and they inform me at indecent hours of the morning about school related shit. Isn’t that wonderful? With friends like those, who needs enemies? It was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back.
  5. I miss them, despite everything. Honestly, I really do.
  6. I am avoiding them because I’m not a hypocrite. I know that I’m hurt and I know that pretending like nothing happened is not going to fix things. I know something’s wrong, whether or not they acknowledge that.
  7. I am not apologizing not because my pride dictates it but because my common sense does.
  8. Partner started this when he fucking ignored me when I asked him nicely.
  9. I super hate people who ignore me when I talk to them. What, I’m not good enough to merit your fucking response?
  10. I don’t know where this will take me but I sincerely hope that this all happened for a purpose.
I’m not writing this to make anyone feel bad so spare me the negative comments and judging stares. Silence is powerful; in fact even I cannot harness its powers. I am speaking about this whole thing only once. After this, I am closing the book and moving the fuck along.

I need to write this. I need to release all this negative energy that I’ve been hoarding for weeks now. I chose this medium for I do not think that talking about it to people around us will solve anything.

I’m sure they have their own version of the story. In fact, I know they do. I even texted Smiley friend that if they have their press release of what’s happening, that’s fine with me. That’s their version, this is mine. After this, there’ll be no more of this shit coming from my mouth. I say goodbye to a friendship and hello to a new life.

Friday, January 5, 2007

crisis no.1

okay, so it's been five days since new year and already, crisis no.1 has reached me. don't ask me how or why, it just did. lately, i've been re-evaluating my current situation with two really smart and funny friends which got me to thinking why i always find myself in the same f-ing runt everytime.

and i hate the fact that i'm bitching again when i should be busy with my deadlines. it's just that i can't really focus when all this chaos is around me. maybe it's just me. maybe i'm over-complicating things again.

i just never realized how unneccesary i was to them. i guess for starters, i never was socially normal. i doubt if they would ever understand what goes on in my head.

but despite the fact that i'm not with them anymore, i hardly miss them. it's like i've never been physically more alone but inside, i'm not the least bit lonely. it's like one single event, a super miniscule and stupid event (that just happened and was completely beyond my control!!!) was all it took to sorta set me free. and though i know that being phased out and losing my friends is a pretty big thing (that's why i'm in a crisis), i have a slight hunch that from here on, things can only go up.

i read in this coffee table book (words are not things, pictured here) that "if you don't like a part of your life, stop living it." at first glance, it may seem that the writer promotes suicide but in fact, it's a mantra for change. i told a good friend last night that i didn't like the person i was becoming and this (though they weren't really responsible for it) was brought about by the people i hung out with. they didn't ask me to change, no i can't blame them for that but the bottom line is i did. i said in a previous post that to fully understand a situation, you have to step outside it. now that i'm not being included in the group gimiks or even lunch time (ugh, how painfully high school this all is), i finally realize that i'm not the same person who entered the relationship.

i hope they won't hate me. people who hate me cannot be any good for me. god, do i get a nickname, too?. i hope not.

so back to the zen-ish mantra. i now realize that since i don't really like the man i've become now, i have to revert to a time when i did like who i was. when was that? high school? college? i don't really remember. "stop living it" doesn't refer to your own life, it refers to that part of your life that you don't like anymore. i need to find myself... again. god, how many times do i have to find myself for me to actually find it?

note to self: come up with a plan.

so crisis no.1 has arrived. God knows when it'll be over, though. i'm just glad that this particular crisis, the first this year, actually brought about an epiphany. it's time to start growing!

so anyways, i got to go. ate debbie just called and we're going to see an art show. i'm not sure where all this craziness and crisis is going but i know that whatever i'm doing now is a step towards the right direction.

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

tootin' my horn

forgive me reader for i have sinned. it's been a couple of minutes since my last post.

i just came across this site that i thought totally rocked. it basically sites moi as a great blog or whatevs. i checked out the other blogs she cited and one of them belongs to jim paredes. jim fucking paredes. i feel so honored to be in the same category.

click the screencap to go to the site. i had to post it. it's so effing kawaii..

i'm still in the process of finding out who sweet_mayhem is. i've a feeling i know who she is (and be she, i believe she's a girl) she writes about me here again, this time asking about marquees.

in other news... as you may or may not have noticed, i've got a new picture. yes, adobe is my new bestfriend. i'm pushing 150 pounds thanks to the holidays and so i figured i needed something to make me feel a little better. so i photoshopped away. hahaha, hey, if angelica panganiban can get away with it, why can't it? here are both versions so you can see the difference. i know what you're thinking: why go through all the trouble of retouching when you're gonna show the original one anyway? 'cause i can!



'till next time, take care!

happy new year!

okay, so it's not really new year anymore.

lot's of changes this time around. i've upgraded to the new blogger. i didn't change the template since i've grown attached to it, css mess and all.

i'm starting to figure out this cross-posting thing between multiply and blogger. i'm really hoping it'll turn out great.

i have a new picture for friendster and all my other shit sites. i figured, if angelica panganiban can photoshop her way into beauty, why can't i? hahaha

that's it. oh, and here's a really cool video. not sure if y'all have seen it yet. it's wait a minute by the pussycat dolls.



don't you just love these girls? they work soooo hard. hahaha as usual, it's work and school friendly for all yous out there.