Sunday, September 30, 2007

idleness


I woke up this morning (afternoon) with such a vivid dream, I almost felt dizzy as I got up. In my dream, there was Adrasteia the nymph, the inescapable. I did not love her, that much I could say. I watched her eat a grape, fawning over the infant Zeus and I remember wondering how I could be so jealous of something so innocent, so small yet so big. There was a man next to me who also loved her and we watched her slowly but firmly enter the city of sin. My first thought was the lights made my eyes hurt and there was the faint smell of sweat and blood and hearts on sleeves and it made me nauseous. As the music crescendoed, she moved with languid desperation, as though her heart had always known the tune, almost like the tune was one with her heartbeat.

She danced with a faceless, heartless stranger as he and I both fought back feelings that would only lead to confusion and conflict. Together, he and I watched Adrasteia give up what we both yearned for. She'll tire of him soon enough, I whispered in his ear and then friends will become rivals yet again. I watched the confusion in this man's eyes- our poor nymph reduced to a mere glitch, a mound of flesh that knows not how to love but instead is versed in the ways of seeking pleasure where she can.

Tomorrow, I said, she'll be back to who she was, Zeus' tutelage will no longer be the minute error she is right now. Adrasteia - she who none escapes. How could we escape her when our hearts are tied to the frills on her skirt? How could we flee when our hearts forbid us to be away from her? How could we despise her when our souls called out to dance to her heartbeat, as though longing to be possessed by her love.

She glances at her watch and tells us it's time to go so we did. She, me, him, and the faceless stranger all leave with broken hearts. What happens here, stays here I whispered and so we left everything behind - every feeling, every bruise, every desire.

I realized the message soon enough. It's time to stop living life from dream to dream and start banking on things that matter. When I got home, I turned the telly on and this really empowered evangelist was talking about faith and I yearned for her passion more than anything in my life right now- my work, my friends, my life. What I'd give to feel what she's feeling, if only to hold on to something so strong and stable. She talked about an arrow and how you're supposed to release it, never mind if the recipient's heart is open or not. I would feed of those arrows, whether their tips were poisonous or not, if only to fill the void in my own heart.

It's getting late and I probably need more rest, or food, or another epiphany. Days like this, I wonder if I'll be like this eternally or I'm just being tested.

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