Sunday, November 12, 2017

no room in my heart for hate

A few years ago, I discovered that someone had taken some of my stories and posted them as his own. I have had many regrets since then but an unspoken one is I wish I had been mature enough to see beyond what happened, beyond what he did. Instead, I posted screenshot after screenshot of his supposed crime. I wanted him to hurt as much as I was hurting then. His apologies were left unanswered, his attempts to reach out and rebuild unequivocally rebuffed.

I let hatred out of my heart and into the world not fully realizing that it may take days, hours, even years but hate always has a way of coming right back to you.

Recently, it's come to my attention that he has been saying hurtful things about me online - half lies too many to disprove, too pointless to discount. I know a couple of the people egging him on but most were relative strangers to me. They insulted my writing, my work, and even my physical appearance. I couldn't understand how there could be so much hatred out there, and from people I didn't even know.

I have scratched the itch that is hatred for such a large part of my life. And while it is easy to play the victim and fuel the flames of this narrative, today I choose to be different.

I saw this wall of letters in a hotel a few weeks ago and I thought it was interesting how if you extended it to infinity, you could build infinite combinations of letters, words, and sentences. Somewhere in this wall are all the things you have wanted to say but couldn't. I could pick out the letters I like - strike back, say mean things, fight fire with fire - but what would that accomplish? What good would that do to either of us?

So instead, I pick out this combination. I forgive you. I release you. I hope you find the courage to move on.

I have. And let me tell you. It feels great.

To quote the brilliant Wachowskis in Sense8, there is simply no room in my heart for hate.

♫: The Beatles | All You Need Is Love - Love Version (2006)