Monday, August 31, 2009

fog you / i remember

Four friends, two newly single, set out into the night.

“Tagaytay? Are you sure?”

It was spontaneous. It was crazy (and conveniently cliffy). We didn’t care. It made us happy and it seemed (to the four of us, at least) that happiness was in short supply these past few months.

Deep into the night, we traded stories. One by one, we cursed the cities that bore us- the cities that cradled our heartaches, our disappointments, our defeats. Off we went, 160 kilometers an hour on a half-tank of gas. We didn’t know where we were going exactly. All we knew was we had to flee.

“Just for tonight, let’s be happy!” I said as I popped my head out of the car. I let the cool breeze brush my face. I needed this, I thought to myself. It’s been so long since I last felt this… alive.

“Bakit pa eh pag-uwi naman natin, ganun din ‘yun. ‘Pag patay na lahat ng ilaw at wala ka nang ibang kaharap kundi sarili mo, ganun din ‘yun!” We laughed. Cynicism had become the fifth person in the car.

I fell asleep in the car for a little bit and when I woke up, we were already there. It was hard to see though as a thick fog had settled into the deepest corners of the night.

“San tayo?”

“Kahit saan!”
We all agreed. A few minutes later, we were in a little restaurant that boasted of a fantastic view. We couldn't really appreciate it though because the whole place was so damn foggy. We could hardly see the menu.

“Ayan na yung overlooking niyo. Overlooking sa fog!”

We ate. We laughed. We danced. We took tons of pictures. We caught up. And when all was said and done, we also shed a couple of tears. Deep into the night, the conversation hit a serious note.

“What’s funny is despite everything, I could never bring myself to regret everything that happened.”

“Why should you? It made you happy. Be grateful for the rain. Just don’t be sad when the drought settles in.”

“It’s funny because people keep telling me that I’m better off. If I’m the winner in this game, then how come he moved on first? I’m still stuck here, hoping for some semblance of closure or something.”

“We make our own closures. Life has to go on. I remember when my heart broke. I was hurt. I cried. The next day, I cried again. The day after that, I cried a little more. But each day that passed, I shed less and less tears until one day I realized I had no tears left for him. That’s just how it is. Fix yourself first. Love yourself first before you love anyone else.”

“That’s the thing. People always say that you can’t love someone when you’re broken. I wasn’t broken when I met him. I was 100% solid before everything. But now, I’m completely shattered. I wasn’t broken when I met him. I guess I was just hollow.”

Four friends, two newly single, stared blankly into the night. There was no need for words to be said. Just the fact that we were there for each other at this point in time made all the difference in the world.

“Look. The fog’s starting to clear.”

I stood up and walked towards the balcony. Slowly, a plethora of lights and different sights came into view. I inhaled deeply, let the cool wind fill my lungs. If you wait long enough, everything becomes clear.

We shed our skins in the mountains and made our way back to our lives- back to deadlines and lesson plans and poker faces. As the car maneuvered through the mountain’s steep curves, we howled like wolves and screamed like crazy. It was spontaneous. It was crazy. If I closed my eyes, it felt just like old times.

“So this is how it feels.”

“How what feels?”

“Letting go.”

I smiled as I popped my hand out of the car, reaching for nothing in particular. I played with the wind, felt the tiny hairs at the back of my hand move with it. Something tells me happiness is just around the corner. Something tells me things will work out just fine.

Keyshia Cole
I Remember
Just Like You

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

anatomy of a mistake (v4)

This is my last emo post. After this, I swear I'll stop talking about what happened. Just let me tell our story because after I post this, all will be forgotten.

1. Don’t look at me like that. I can’t focus when you look at me like that.

2. I’m not sure if I should. Eh, maybe just a few bottles.

3. Are jokes really half meant?

4. Why can’t I stop thinking about you?

5. Holding you makes me feel a little less hollow.

6. I’m with friends. Where are you?

7. The minute I stepped into that bar, I knew I was making a big mistake.

8. You have a very beautiful voice. Please stop singing while I still have control over myself.

9. I think I’m ready now.

10. 3… 2… 1… sparks.

11. This is all I have but if you’ll take it, it’s yours.

12. Your friends hate me. My friends hate you. It’s a good thing we like each other.

13. I came here to say goodbye to you. (1)

14. I’m no good with these things. I always let my mind take over. I’ll be your mind if you’ll be my heart.

15. If you’re gonna hurt me then do it quickly. Dammit. (2)

16. You’re so broken. I think I can fix you. Don’t cry anymore. I’m right here.

17. Your promise: no matter what happens, whether or not we end up together, we’ll always be in each other’s lives.

18. B-- who?

19. Love is so painful. I wonder why people even bother. I need you.

20. I never knew the simple pleasure of watching a movie while holding your hand. It’s like before you, my hands were empty. I don’t want them to be empty anymore.

21. Too high. Can’t come down. Losing my head. Spinning ‘round and ‘round. This feels like loving for the first time again.

22. Who am I to you? What is this to you? I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much. (3)

23. Running. Raining. Thinking you would come after me.

24. Should we talk? I’m sure there are things to be said.

25. I love you, too. I’ll fight while I still can. Even if it hurts. A lot.

26. It’s been three days. I’ve missed you. Why are we pretending like nothing happened? Yes, let’s talk tomorrow.

27. You’re not here. If you really love me, why aren’t you here? Don’t I deserve more than silence?

28. This hurts too much. Goodbye. (4)

29. There’s beauty in breaking down in front of friends.

30. My head is spinning. My eyes are swollen. Where is my heart? If you don’t want it, can I please have it back?

Todo Combo

Sunday, August 23, 2009

dying / time

I need time, you said and I didn’t want to give it to you. Time is all I have these days. I have spent countless hours and days staring at walls and ceilings, making friends and enemies with the strangers who pass me by at Starbucks.

My throat hurts. I’m a little sick. I walked five blocks in the rain last night, fleeing from you. I couldn't take it anymore. We were both too emotional and too irrational. So I ran. What’s funny is I actually thought you would run after me. I sat on the curb, my clothes soaking wet, squinting, and wondering if you were coming after me.

Now my phone’s broken. See I was trying to call you, too. Yeah. Right after I sulked off into the darkness and rain. There must be a few droplets of rainwater beneath the keypad because now my phone keeps calling you (whether or not I want it to is beside the point). But you never answer. Because you need time, you said. You need time. Well, time is all I have.

Time spent wishing I never met you. Time spent wishing my heart never left its cocoon. Time spent hoping I would get the old me back- the me I was before I met you. Everyone says I’ve changed although they really needn’t tell me. I already know. I’d give everything to be who I was before I met you.

But whatever. No regrets right? Or was I just saying that to make you feel better?

Hey, remember that time you cried because you felt so tired of everything and I held your hand and I told you things would be okay? Well now I’m crying because I’m tired and you’re not here to hold me and tell me things will be okay. Didn’t we promise we would stay together no matter what? But I can’t think of that now. Because you say you need time. Time is all I have.

Time spent wondering what could have been. Time spent wishing you were still here with me. Time spent worrying about how you are or who you’re with.

I asked you very simple questions. What is this to you? Who am I in your life? You never tell me anything and it’s driving me crazy. All you could say was I never saw the things that you did for me. I suppose now’s not the right time to remind you of all the crosses I bear because of my love for you. No, now’s not a good time. Because you need time. And time is all I have.

I didn’t need you to say you love me. I already know that. I wanted you to need me the way I need you, too. Remember when I said I wouldn’t know what to do if you left me? It’s true. You said if I leave you, you’d understand. Do you really or did you just say that to make me feel better?

I must admit I’ve been a little bitter over the past few years. Love has hurt me to the point where I feel I am lucky to be alive. I killed a part of me that believed in love. Then I met you and you made this stupid thing beat again. I realized it wasn’t love I killed two years ago. It was hope. Hope that I could be happy again. Hope that I would find someone like you who could make me sing again.

But hope is a cruel thing. Now that you’re gone, it’s the one dagger in my chest I cannot bear to remove.

It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent. I’m dying to live without you again.

You need time. Time is all I have. When will we have our time?

Five For Fighting
The Battle For Everything

Sunday, August 9, 2009

look at me i'm twenty-three

There are some songs that you just can’t help but fall in love with. Although Real was written in the female perspective, I found myself understanding each and every line. After having it on loop for a few centuries, I finally found the backbone to my birthday post.

August 8, 2009
4:32 AM

Look at me. I’m 23. Beautiful, a sight to see tonight.

It is almost morning but night won’t lend itself to sleep. I’ve been lying wide awake in my room trying to think about where I am, how far I’ve come and where I want to go. It’s my birthday and the early birds have all sent their greetings. I replied with a quick Thank you! and hoped that they wouldn’t sense my growing disappointment and anticipation.

Do you want me ‘cause I am hungry for something that will make me real.

Something is missing. I can’t seem to place my finger on it. I’ve got a loving family, really understanding friends, a great career- I should be happy. Why am I unhappy? It guess it just feels like everything has been anesthetized or something- like I’ve been enjoying everything through a really large pane of glass. I see my life, my friends, my love but I cannot touch them. I can only watch.

I close my eyes, imagine time will not forget my sacrifice.

I’ve done my time. I’ve paid my dues. I think it’s high time I find true happiness. I’ve been searching for it in all the wrong places, I know. But that’s what happens when you go through so many changes in such a short period of time. Last year, I was relatively young in this industry and already, I went through three jobs and a promotion. Now that everything’s slowing down, I can feel the wind catching up with me. I try to breathe but my own ambitions have choked the air out of me.

I numb the ache and decorate my emptiness, stand naked in the light.

I thought if I didn’t think about it, I wouldn’t feel too bad. The pain of stagnation has taken over all aspects of my life. I’ve taken to fill the void with different things. I am so blessed to have my family and friends. Without them, I know I would cease to exist. Thank you for remembering me on this day.

Well be pleased, world, if this is what you wanted. This young girl is everything that you've made.

I am no longer the boy I was three years ago. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe this is what they call growing up.

The world goes home. The lights go down. My lipstick fades away.

I will have a happy birthday. I am determined to do just that. This is my one day in an entire year of emo possibilities. My one day to be happy. I should make the most out of it.

Postscript: I fell asleep right after I wrote this post so I never got to post it in time for my birthday. I went to work fully expecting that I would be all sulky and stuff but I actually had a great time. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful friends who can see through the bullshit and can make me really happy. Thank you for making me very, very happy on my birthday.

Beautiful Lumps of Coal