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I'm vulnerable. I'm vulnerable (but) I am not a robot.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

dying / time



I need time, you said and I didn’t want to give it to you. Time is all I have these days. I have spent countless hours and days staring at walls and ceilings, making friends and enemies with the strangers who pass me by at Starbucks.

My throat hurts. I’m a little sick. I walked five blocks in the rain last night, fleeing from you. I couldn't take it anymore. We were both too emotional and too irrational. So I ran. What’s funny is I actually thought you would run after me. I sat on the curb, my clothes soaking wet, squinting, and wondering if you were coming after me.

Now my phone’s broken. See I was trying to call you, too. Yeah. Right after I sulked off into the darkness and rain. There must be a few droplets of rainwater beneath the keypad because now my phone keeps calling you (whether or not I want it to is beside the point). But you never answer. Because you need time, you said. You need time. Well, time is all I have.

Time spent wishing I never met you. Time spent wishing my heart never left its cocoon. Time spent hoping I would get the old me back- the me I was before I met you. Everyone says I’ve changed although they really needn’t tell me. I already know. I’d give everything to be who I was before I met you.

But whatever. No regrets right? Or was I just saying that to make you feel better?

Hey, remember that time you cried because you felt so tired of everything and I held your hand and I told you things would be okay? Well now I’m crying because I’m tired and you’re not here to hold me and tell me things will be okay. Didn’t we promise we would stay together no matter what? But I can’t think of that now. Because you say you need time. Time is all I have.

Time spent wondering what could have been. Time spent wishing you were still here with me. Time spent worrying about how you are or who you’re with.

I asked you very simple questions. What is this to you? Who am I in your life? You never tell me anything and it’s driving me crazy. All you could say was I never saw the things that you did for me. I suppose now’s not the right time to remind you of all the crosses I bear because of my love for you. No, now’s not a good time. Because you need time. And time is all I have.

I didn’t need you to say you love me. I already know that. I wanted you to need me the way I need you, too. Remember when I said I wouldn’t know what to do if you left me? It’s true. You said if I leave you, you’d understand. Do you really or did you just say that to make me feel better?

I must admit I’ve been a little bitter over the past few years. Love has hurt me to the point where I feel I am lucky to be alive. I killed a part of me that believed in love. Then I met you and you made this stupid thing beat again. I realized it wasn’t love I killed two years ago. It was hope. Hope that I could be happy again. Hope that I would find someone like you who could make me sing again.

But hope is a cruel thing. Now that you’re gone, it’s the one dagger in my chest I cannot bear to remove.

It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent. I’m dying to live without you again.

You need time. Time is all I have. When will we have our time?

Five For Fighting
Dying
The Battle For Everything

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