Sunday, August 9, 2009

look at me i'm twenty-three

There are some songs that you just can’t help but fall in love with. Although Real was written in the female perspective, I found myself understanding each and every line. After having it on loop for a few centuries, I finally found the backbone to my birthday post.

August 8, 2009
4:32 AM

Look at me. I’m 23. Beautiful, a sight to see tonight.

It is almost morning but night won’t lend itself to sleep. I’ve been lying wide awake in my room trying to think about where I am, how far I’ve come and where I want to go. It’s my birthday and the early birds have all sent their greetings. I replied with a quick Thank you! and hoped that they wouldn’t sense my growing disappointment and anticipation.

Do you want me ‘cause I am hungry for something that will make me real.

Something is missing. I can’t seem to place my finger on it. I’ve got a loving family, really understanding friends, a great career- I should be happy. Why am I unhappy? It guess it just feels like everything has been anesthetized or something- like I’ve been enjoying everything through a really large pane of glass. I see my life, my friends, my love but I cannot touch them. I can only watch.

I close my eyes, imagine time will not forget my sacrifice.

I’ve done my time. I’ve paid my dues. I think it’s high time I find true happiness. I’ve been searching for it in all the wrong places, I know. But that’s what happens when you go through so many changes in such a short period of time. Last year, I was relatively young in this industry and already, I went through three jobs and a promotion. Now that everything’s slowing down, I can feel the wind catching up with me. I try to breathe but my own ambitions have choked the air out of me.

I numb the ache and decorate my emptiness, stand naked in the light.

I thought if I didn’t think about it, I wouldn’t feel too bad. The pain of stagnation has taken over all aspects of my life. I’ve taken to fill the void with different things. I am so blessed to have my family and friends. Without them, I know I would cease to exist. Thank you for remembering me on this day.

Well be pleased, world, if this is what you wanted. This young girl is everything that you've made.

I am no longer the boy I was three years ago. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe this is what they call growing up.

The world goes home. The lights go down. My lipstick fades away.

I will have a happy birthday. I am determined to do just that. This is my one day in an entire year of emo possibilities. My one day to be happy. I should make the most out of it.

Postscript: I fell asleep right after I wrote this post so I never got to post it in time for my birthday. I went to work fully expecting that I would be all sulky and stuff but I actually had a great time. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful friends who can see through the bullshit and can make me really happy. Thank you for making me very, very happy on my birthday.

Plumb
Real
Beautiful Lumps of Coal

28 comments:

  1. Happiness can be found not in other people nor in mundane things. Dependence on entities around you merely equates to fleeting happiness.

    You'll know if you are truly happy if you're alone and you're still happy.

    Friend, we've gone through a lot these past few weeks. I'm just happy we're okay again.

    I love you. And happy beerday my Nelly.

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  2. happy birthday! i was hoping to see you with baby herbs last night in bed. my greeting could have been more personal. :)

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  3. @Apol I love you, too friend! you know that. yes, we've gone through so many things together. i guess i gotta learn to find happiness that isn't rooted in something (or to be honest, someone) haha

    @Aris yeah, i was busy. I had work and everything. seems like you guys had a blast!

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  4. My comments are usually reserved for days like this. So, happy birthday... hope you had a good one. Yuck, 23 ka na. HAHA

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  5. hahaha masyado na ba ako matanda? haha

    thanks, tristan. yeah, i had an awesome day.

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  6. you are no longer a boy... true enough....

    but you will always be one of my babygurls.....

    all the best for you Nyl.... all the best.....

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  7. thanks YJ! hehe para namang di nagkakalayo edad natin. o sige na nga. hehe

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  8. belated..muwaaaah..hugsss..lab lab

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  9. belated happy birthday! *hugs*

    glad you enjoyed your day! :)

    Let's have coffee soon. I wasn't able to talk to you much(or not at all)when we first met.

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  10. belated happy birthday to you, nyl.

    cheers to great days ahead.

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  11. huwaaah... tumanda ka na din. at infairness mukhang masarap ang pancit!

    hampey bewtdey!

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  12. Basta ako, tulog pa kayong lahat nakabati na ako sa kanya noon! LOL! =)

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  13. age is just another number.

    the bigger the number the better you are at understanding yourself.

    Happy Birthday mistur...

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  14. Thanks everyone! This means a lot to me. :D

    @Ruby - sure! i'd like that!

    @Mr. Komplikado - may tama ka!!! haha isa ka sa mga una.

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  15. Hi friend, I'm sorry I wasn't there to celebrate it with you... I'm busy fixing the messy life.

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  16. Haha I turned 25 last thurs at may kakilala akong blogger na ka-bday mo ren...


    Happy Birthday dude!

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  17. Haha I turned 25 last thurs at may kakilala akong blogger na ka-bday mo ren...


    Happy Birthday dude!

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  18. @Juber it's okay. I understand. I just want you to be happy.

    @The Gripen thanks for the greeting! welcome to CB!

    si herbs ba yan? oo ka birthday ko yan. :D

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  19. belated!
    sayang late ko na nalaman date ng bday muh! sana nakipagunahan ako sa pagbati!!
    hehe
    nice one! isinantabi mo ang ka-EMO-han nung bday muh. tama! isang beses lng sa isang taon ang bday kaya kailangan lubusin.
    wooOOOOh!
    23 na sya.
    hala???
    magtu-20 na ko sa bday kuh!
    katakot.
    hehe
    belated happy birthday ulit. :))

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  20. mr lim! a belated birthday wish nonetheless. :)

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  21. @Gege thank you! haha in fairness, di na ako masyadong emo ngayon.

    @Ash thanks! :D ahihi

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  22. Ooooops so how was your 24th bday? : D

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  23. @Ahmer: Wow, this was a year ago. My birthday's been fun. I'm having the time of my life. :)

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