Sunday, September 2, 2007

regrets


I was cleaning my room listening to Garbage when I remembered this lengthy conversation I had with a friend about regrets. We were really getting into it, deciding which cliche works better. Of course, granting that the age-old question regarding the universal do-over should present itself, does anyone have a clear answer? What would you change if you could go back?

I'm pretty sure there would have been a lot of things I'd change if I could. If I could rewind to the times when I felt so angry at the world and then backtrack to the moment where all that could've been avoided, I'd be the luckiest man in the world. Think of all the bad relationships and all the bull your friends feed you about how mistakes are opportunities to learn. Think of all the job interviews and work mishaps and all that jazz that could've, in one way or another, influenced your life massively.

Said friend talked about latest crisis in life and asked if he was right to regret it. Perhaps he did have his reasons but since I wasn't privvy to the whole deal, I didn't really know left from right. Maybe I would've regretted it, too if I only had some control over my life.

And it's hard to not think about regrets when it's right there, like a wart on your finger that will not go away. You can pretend to ignore it but the next time you look down, it's right there. How do you forget something that's in the rain, in the darkness when you close your eyes, in your mind momentarily but in your head eternally.

And despite all I try to blink away, part of me knows that without regrets, I'd probably be somewhere else now. Without my anger, I wouldn't have gotten over some shit in the past. Without apathy, how can there be sympathy?

Winding it down, I realize now that regrets are a necessary part of two people's journey when it's about to end. For if you do not think about things that shouldn't have happened, how will you forget all the good parts? If you fixate on the happy moments, getting over is next to impossible.

We only have control over such a limited number of things. Often times, I find my emotions dictate where I will go. Since I cannot control forgetting past events, regrets are my way to do that. And though I may overlook so many things in the process, at least I know that in the end, I have accomplished my goal.

Not really making sense anymore. Perhaps it's time to sleep. *yawn*

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