I'm officially moved in. i remember sitting on the floor wiping my gazillions of pirated discs while listening to Switchfoot's you and the sound of a gay neighbor bickering and thinking, gawd this is life now. no more yearning for the sound of buses opening at three in the morning when the darkness won't lend itself to sleep. no more coffee breaks at the pool while the morning mist gives me a quick shower. no more shying away from telling people where i live so they won't think ill of me. now there's a croaky teenager next door strumming his guitar, singing narda off key as i hear the next door neighbor maid gossip about how the neighbors like to leave the gate unlocked at night. i sit up in bed wondering how i ever found such beauty in chaos, such solace in disillusion.
and i look at the mirror, stare at my hollow eyes wondering how it's been so long since I've gotten some decent sleep, or clocked some decent hours at church, or even spent time in prayer. i'm stuck thinking about how many minutes i spend each call or how many lives I've got to waste. as i eat this overly-sweet fudge bar, i touch my tumtum thinking "gawd, i need to lose weight"
checking my mail, i see a reminder of my priorities. old friends who want to reconnect, groups that I've neglected, friendly reminders of birthdays, and the occasional useless forward.
one day I'll look back and remember this chaos. will i still find beauty then?