ugh, how Dishwalla of me. just thought it'd be an apt title for the post that's been stored in my drafts for several days now. i remember listening to this song in the past, never realizing i'd be moved to write about God one day.
I believe it was about two weeks ago when I first realized I had the option to walk home from work. It's usually a P50 cab ride home for me but that day, I was feeling a little clouded and figured I could use the quiet and the exercise. In a similar incident (that involved daylight, of course), I was walking and I saw an old church and for some strange reason, I felt compelled to go inside. I was sitting in one of the pews next to an old lady and I felt envious of her devotion. Here was a woman who got up early today to show her love for a man who she's never even really seen. I was sitting beside her, absorbing her peace, feeling dirty, hoping I wasn't polluting her air.
I don't know what happened to me. I'm not Catholic or anything but I just felt a certain air of peace. I wasn't sure if anyone saw me that day but it didn't matter anymore. I waited for her to finish and with my eyes, I saw here through the door. She seemed at peace. Peace, i miss peace.
And now, realizing I finally let go of my ministry, I wonder if there was a better way to go around it. Perhaps I should've asked God first. I never really prayed about leaving. I just knew I had to.
They say he never changes. What happens when I do? Times like this, I wish I could shake myself, if only to wake up. But i'm not really sleeping. I'm just closing my eyes. Because I don't wanna see anything anymore. I'd rather just pretend to be sleeping. Maybe the voices would stop bothering me.
It doesn't have to be like this, I told myself. I was with a friend who told me I like to focus on the problem so much and not come up with a proper solution. I'm in the eye of the problem, I said and it's kind of hard to think of the next step. He asked me about my God and how I feel about him. I said I don't know anymore because to tell you the truth, I really don't. He said it feels good to know you can depend on something when you feel weak or unable to continue. Was that all God was to me? Plan B?
When I was in Middle School, our bible teacher asked us about our spiritual birthday and I said I've been a Christian since birth. She said no one's born a Christian. It's a decision you make. It was then that I realized I had no idea what being a Christian meant.
I'm not saying my parents forced me to become a Christian or anything. Of course, I made the decision years ago but I was very young at that time and I never really thought about the decision I was making. It's part of your culture, if you grew up in a Christian family you'd understand the guilt and the bliss associated with it. Lately, I just feel like I wouldn't have been a Christian if it weren't for my family. And i seriously envy the newbie Christians with all their wide-eyed optimism. How could they know and love someone who they just met? it feels like I've known him all my life but still I know nothing about him. It's hard because I love him but I can't seem to understand him.
Two nights ago, I did something I've never done before. I prayed out loud, hoping to voice out solemn concerns about where I am right now and where I'm going. I was talking for more than 30 minutes before I realized he was right there, ready to listen.
So what are my thoughts on God? At this point, I'm still waiting for him. Perhaps to pick me up, telling me he's been around the block two or three times but I wasn't there. And when I finally get into his car, all will be forgiven and I would finally be ready to give him everything he deserves. I'm sure he understands I'm not ready. I'm done trying quick fixes and attempts to fly without the necessary equipment I need. This time, I'm going to play using my heart and not just my head.
On a cheesy note, a good friend used to always say "God can heal a broken heart. He just needs all the pieces." If so, perhaps it's time I gave it a real shot.