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I'm vulnerable. I'm vulnerable (but) I am not a robot.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

porn in the 00s


There are so many things that young people don’t understand. I used to get so giddy with excitement when I hear my modem connecting to the Internet. Before torrents, you had to use a VCR to tape your favorite shows. People actually showed up on time when you meet them for lunch or coffee. And porn? Well, porn was quite tricky.

Before YouJizz or PornMD, most of us got by with JPEGs. The little videos I had were mostly 5-second clips that I hurriedly saved in floppy disks. You could also rent softcore porn in little mom and pop video stores (Those were awesome. Anyone else remember how cool it was to rent a VHS tape?). We all got o̶f̶f̶ by one way or the other but I was always curious about what real, honest to goodness porn looked like.

“There’s porn in Quiapo,” a friend offered. “My brother took me there once. We told the guy we were looking for Barely Legal. He took us to the back and the walls were lined from top to bottom with all the porn you can find.” His hands moved around the imagined shelf. It was huge.

“It was seriously all the porn you could ever imagine. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, even Asians! I spent a week’s allowance that day but I have no regrets.”

My eyes grew wide with anticipation. “Where is this Quiapo and how do I get there?”

I wanted to ask if the *ahem* selection they had was as diverse as it was bountiful. What if all they had was straight porn? I didn’t want to get lost in the streets of Manila if all I would get are inflated double d’s. I sat on this information for quite some time. After saving enough money and courage for the trip, I took the first jeep to Quiapo.

What my friend didn’t tell me is that the place in itself was ginormous. It’s mostly known for the church but in little side streets you could find anything from flowers to candles, perfumes to cigarettes, fortunetellers to abortionists… Take two lefts and a right and you’ll find The Pirate Bay: Physical Edition.

Any Quiapo expert would tell you that there are three parts to the media area. One part is for movie lovers. You’ll find everything from cheesy local movies to complete box sets of TV shows. Another part is for music lovers, with each store specializing in a specific genre. But I didn’t come here for any of that.

The third part was where they kept all the porn. Unfortunately, it was never easy to find. Many of the local government folks didn’t mind the pirated movies and CDs but they did have an issue with pornographic materials. That’s why the porn area was so hidden. My friend said I should ask one of the storekeepers. If they think they can trust you, they’ll personally escort you to porn haven.

I was thumbing through some dusty CDs, looking for a friendly storekeeper when I noticed that the stall I was in had a small back door. A man in a sweaty sando was talking to the storekeeper and after a few moments, he was escorted inside. I took that as my cue to man up. I brought my CDs to him and whipped out my wallet.

“Kuya, ano yung nasa likod?” I asked, my voice nervous and croaky. [translation]

“Ah yan? Wala yan. Mga DVD.”

“Akala ko puro CD lang kayo dito, kuya. Anong klaseng DVD yung andiyan?”

He looked up from the CDs I was purchasing and I flashed him a knowing smile. It was like I wanted my eyes to say I know what’s back there and I want in.

“Ano bang hinahanap mo, kuya?” he said in a hushed voice. The other storekeeper was an old woman and she was clearly within earshot.

“Ano bang meron kayo?” I said, in a matched whisper. I was beginning to sweat profusely.

“Madami. May mga movies, concerts…“ He paused. “May anime…”

“Meron ba kayong… M2M.” I interrupted. His eyes widened and I almost choked.

“Pasok ka,” he said, a sly smile plastered on his face. And what I saw in that little room would change my life forever.

---

“Anong nabili mo?” asked my best friend. I met him for dinner after my Quiapo shopping spree. I looked like shit but it had gone well over all.

“A few movies, a few CDs…” I said, handing him my loot.

“Bumili ka ng bold?” he asked as he thumbed through my purchases.

“Hindi no! Baboy ka. Wag mo nga ‘kong itulad sa ‘yo!” I answered defensively, my volume and pitch a little too high for comfort.

“Yuck! Bakit ka may ganito?” he exclaimed as he fished a DVD out of my black plastic bag.

----

“Pasok ka,” the storekeeper said, a sly smile plastered on his face. The backroom smelled like stale sweat and burnt plastic. He surveyed the piles of DVDs searching for my gay porn.

“Ito na yung hinahanap mo. Huling kopya na nga yan. Mabentang mabenta.” He smiled at me as he handed me my prized DVD…



A bootleg copy of M2M, Live in Concert.

♫: M2M | Pretty Boy (2000)
Photo: Buhoneros

32 comments:

  1. ang alta ng translation! hehe happy post na tuluy-tuloy? hihih dapat may category ka na na happy post ganyan. sama-sama sila nung americano story at cindy ella(?)

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    Replies
    1. Mots: haha wag naman may sariling tag! Nakaka-preyshurr na yun. Mabuti na yung paminsan-minsan, bigla akong magbabaliw baliwan. haha

      At alta ba? May mga wrong spelloing etc etc nga eh. Bad trip. Di pala maedit ang comment. :'(

      Delete
    2. hehe sige. pero yung food blog tuloy mo :D

      naalala ko nung HS, sinigawan pa ko ni manong ng "huy, suki, maraming bago!" mula nun, nagrely na ko sa internet para sa tawag ng laman LOL

      sana walang makabasa nito sa mga estudyante ko. wahaha

      Delete
    3. Mots: Hala bastus pala si sir mots! haha

      At sa food blog.. parang ekis muna. Nakakatakot! haha

      Delete
  2. Haha! Disgusting? You want disgusting? 5-second clips. That's what's disgusting!

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    Replies
    1. Rick: Hey, we did what we had to do! lolz To be fair to those clips, they were cut in such a way that if you played one on loop, it looked like an endless pumping scene!

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    2. korek!! (haha naka-relate lang talaga ako. nyahahahaha)

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    3. Sin: Haha well we used to share our porn so I'm not surprised naka-relate ka!

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  3. Kasi naman dapat inexpound ang M2M. Hahahaha.

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    Replies
    1. Spiral: I know right! haha Malay ko ba naman na ganun pala yung patakaran. I soon mastered the labyrinths of Quiapo but not after making more mistakes like this. :x

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  4. I thought I'd translate the parts in Filipino in case you don't understand the language. :)

    ---

    “Kuya, what's behind that door?” I asked, my voice nervous and croaky.

    “Oh that? That's nothing. Just some DVDs.”

    “I thought you only sold CDs here. What DVDs do you have back there?”

    He looked up from the CDs I was purchasing and I flashed him a knowing smile. It was like I wanted my eyes to say I know what’s back there and I want in.

    “Well, what exactly are you looking for?” he said in a hushed voice. The other storekeeper was an old woman and she was clearly within earshot.

    “That depends. What exactly do you have?” I said, in a matched whisper. I was beginning to sweat profusely.

    “I have a lot. I've got movies, concerts…“ He paused. “Japanese… cartoons”

    “Do you have… M2M (man-to-man)” I interrupted. His eyes widened and I almost choked.

    “Why don't you come in and see,” he said, a sly smile plastered on his face. And what I saw in that little room would change my life forever.

    ---

    “What did you get?” asked my best friend. I met him for dinner after my Quiapo shopping spree. I looked like shit but it had gone well over all.

    “A few movies, a few CDs…” I said, handing him my loot.

    “Did you buy any porn?” he asked as he thumbed through my purchases.

    “Of course not! That's disgusting.” I answered defensively, my volume and pitch a little too high for comfort.

    “You want disgusting? This is disgusting.” he exclaimed as he fished a DVD out of my black plastic bag.

    ----

    “Why don't you come in and see,” the storekeeper said, a sly smile plastered on his face. The backroom smelled like stale sweat and burnt plastic. He surveyed the piles of DVDs searching for my gay porn.

    “Is this what you were looking for? You're in luck. This is my last copy. Those things sell like pancakes.” He smiled at me as he handed me my prized DVD… A bootleg copy of M2M, Live in Concert.

    ReplyDelete
  5. HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!

    I must admit, I didn't see that twist coming.

    Shyamalan must be spinning in the grave of his career.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rudeboy: Oh I'm so glad you LOLd. I've been watching this post like a hawk for the last 2 hours. I'm not sure if this is the direction I want to take. You could say I'm trying on a couple of different shirts to see what fits best.

      As for Shyamalan, oh God wasn't he great in that one movie? haha all the other ones kinda sucked. Is there a director equivalent to a one-hit wonder?

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    2. I figured you'd be fidgeting over the audience response to this new, happy citybuoy.

      My unsolicited advice: don't you worry bout a thing. We love you for your writing, not for your unhappiness. Among other things.

      Aherm.

      Anywayyyyyyy...Shyamalan was at least a two-hit wonder. First with The Sixth Sense, and then with Unbreakable. But Signs was a bad omen, and The Happening confirmed that he was a one-trick pony. I was hoping the shipwreck called Avatar: The Last Airbender was the last nail in his coffin, but damn you Will Smith for foisting this arrogant buffoon and your talentless son on us in After Earth. May the three of you flop like an elephant's flaccid dick.

      Delete
    3. Rudeboy: I value your advice, unsolicited or otherwise. Thanks for the reassurance.

      I saw The Sixth Sense and it scared the bejeezus out of me. Slept through everything else he made, including Unbreakable. I distinctly remember walking out of Lady In The Water to get coffee. Movie ended and I was still at the coffee place. Oops.

      Delete
  6. Benta! :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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  7. The thrill of buying censored CDs/DVDs!!

    Nakarelate ako sa pagiging defensive kay bestpren, Halatang may tinatago. :D

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    Replies
    1. Gord: Ganun talaga, diba? Weird no. Lahat naman tayo may ganitong side... pero when you're in high school parang kanya kanyang tago.

      If I had known then what I know now, siguro ang saya saya kong high school student. lolz

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  8. Haha. Kaloka si Ate. In retrospect though, I love M2M, the band or otherwise.

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  9. Oooooh. I had a pirated cd of their first album along with britney. Hahaha!

    Well i didn't go all the way to Quiapo to find them! I have one of their songs in my head right now and it's so faaar from the m2m that WE all know. Hahaha. Nice nice.

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    Replies
    1. Johnny: Oh I remember those CDs!! Yung two artists in one! Aliw!!! haha

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  10. nyahahahaaa!!!!! you made me remember how uneasy it was to get porn waaaay back then (there was the internet where i got some but was only limited lol) because pornMD wasn't around yet! good thing ni-plug mo ang favorite site ko! nyahaha charot :D

    and it just made me reminisce our experiences together in Quiapo... looking for DVDs... and that kind of DVDs lol... and me buying a 3-in-1 Manila Exposed DVD with you! (nyahahahaha) chocolate-flavored cigarettes... and that holdapper na super nervous he only got less than 20 pesos from me. lol :D

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    Replies
    1. Sin: Oo! Sobrang haggard nun! Ako, nawalan ng lahat! hahaha

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    2. not everything! yung phone mo lang na at that time eh maganda na kasi colored. remember how we were thankful na hindi kinuha wallet mo kasi may mga nasa 1k yun? (wow, i usually don't remember things, pero for some reason naalala ko yun. selective memory? lol)

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    3. Sin: Haha 3315 yun! (Yuck, di daw makalimutan!) And they took my money too! haha ano ba yung memory mo. lolz

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  11. Hahaha... Thanks for the chuckle!

    So true, finding porn, especially gay porn, was so difficult back then. I used to rely on site previews for the videos/teasers! Sad.

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    Replies
    1. James: Oh yes! And the free trials/tours! Kahit clips lang, buhay ka na no! haha

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  12. ANG SAKIT SA HEART NG PRETTY PRETTY BOY I NEED YOU

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    Replies
    1. Lui: Kurek! Haha nakaka... shades of purple? tenententerenten.. ten!

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  13. Ang kulit ng post na 'to! Haha

    M2M the duo not M2M the porno. :)

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