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I'm vulnerable. I'm vulnerable (but) I am not a robot.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

cruel hope


There was a tiki torch in the garden in the house I grew up in. I remember looking at it thinking it looked strange beside the various palms and leaves, the birds of paradise. But my mother brought it home from one of her trips abroad and for sentimental reasons (screw aesthetics), it stayed there until we packed up that house and moved to the city.

And it’s funny how I remember that torch now as I lie in bed, my mind haplessly trying to wrap around fleeting memories of you. It’s been three weeks since I last saw you and I find that as each day passes, it takes more and more effort to remember what you look like. I remember the mole on your right cheek. I remember the lines around your mouth when you smile. I remember how your left eyebrow looked a little crooked. But these are all just parts of you, captured in a tight shot. Try as I might, it seems my heart won’t let my mind zoom out.

There are things that I struggle to remember but then there are things that I struggle to forget. These are the pictures I recall with painful clarity. The way your fingers fit perfectly into the spaces between mine. The feel of your hand clasped around mine. The way your breath tickles when you whisper in my ear. The sound of your voice as you were saying goodbye.

“I need time,” you said. Well, time is all I have these days. Time spent wondering what could have been or what I did wrong. Time spent worrying about how you are and who you’re with. Time spent scribbling fevered thoughts into this notebook. Time spent wishing you were still here with me.

And then there’s the time I spend trying to think of anything but you – the mundane things at work, the smiling lady at the deli where I got lunch, the tiki torch from my childhood. They’re all escape routes from your memory but these days, it’s not so easy. For I remember the messages you sent me while I was at work. How that made the time pass by more quickly. I remember the conversations we had when we ate at the deli, how we talked through closing time and they had to make us leave. I think of the way my love for you was like that heavy torch that stood alien in our garden. The fire burns brightly, fiercely through the night.

But whatever, right? Because you need time. And time is all I have.

Time spent wishing we never met. Time spent hoping I would get the old me back – the me I was before I met you. Time spent thinking about the future we’d planned but would never have. I think of our children, of the paintings, of the books we were going to write. I take all of this time and I put it in a box. I take the torch in my mother’s garden, put out the fire, and lay it down. In its place, I light a feeble candle. Some part of me hopes that when the last of the flame dies out, our love will die out too.

I learned that of all the things in life, it’s hope that’s most cruel. Now that you’re gone, it’s the one dagger in my chest I can’t seem to live without.

♫: Ingrid Michaelson | Slow The Rain (2005)
Original Posts: empake, dying / time



HBDSM! Happy birthday to the coolest barrio teacher in the howaywurrl, Mots of Teacher's Pwet. I’m sorry about our failed collaboration. I promise to find more time for it in the summer! :p

Check it out! This post has a twin. I am literally living the concept of Maps right now and so it means so much to see Mots' brilliance breathe new life into it with his art.

48 comments:

  1. eto pala! ahha maraming salamat nylpot! :)

    yang lagay na yan ang di makasulat ah.. at humanda ka na sa mga magququote ng "And I learned that of all the things in life, it’s hope that’s most cruel. Now that you’re gone, it’s the one dagger in my chest I can’t seem to live without."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mots: Oo, ang ganda eh. Kukunin ko sana yung pinagusapan natin kaso ito talaga iniisip ko. :x kinororan ko. okay lang ba?

      At yang kowt na yan? collectable ba? lumabas na yan noon (sa dying) pero medyo iba yung verbiage. lolz

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  2. and here i was thinking kung may tiki nga sa las pinas. wahahaha LOL :D

    btw happy birthday kay sir Mots!

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    Replies
    1. Meron! Di mo nakita? lolz dun siya sa harap na garden. Pero wala kaming birds of paradise. Di ko lang ma-spell yung bugonvilla (dafuq?)

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    2. wahaha! LOL :D
      and i can't spell that correctly either. i always look it up on google when i need to. LOL :D

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    3. Sin at work: I'm sure it's just a quick google search naman. Nakakatamad lang. Plus I was always so intrigued by yung mga birds of paradise. Kahit sa kwento man lang, magkaron ako nun no.

      Wait, you said you "always" look up the bugonfuckit... what, pray tell, are some scenarios that would lead tho that search? haha i think i've only had to do it once and it was just to prove a point. hahaa

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  3. regardless of how it turns out, we will see that it was all necessary.

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    1. LOF: So true. I borrowed from a couple different posts/memories for this post and I must say, it's a comfort to see that I 1, made it past that part of my life and 2, got to use a lot of the lessons in my adult relationships. :x

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    2. LOF: haha maybe when we add a visual context, the message becomes clearer (?) i like what Mots did to the maps post. I wish he'd do that for all my posts! haha

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  4. I like the artwork. Dahil siguro may cat. I'm a cat person, hehe

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    1. Andy: Ako din! Yun yung pang-hook sakin nung drawing na 'to. This was around the time na the artist was going through an emotional phase and the cat would manifest in different forms. lol

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  5. It's also good that you're able to take the lessons of your relationships and save them in a story, sweet, bittersweet story... As for hope, I recently did a photo epigram but haven't posted it yet: "Hope, without a plan is a black hole, and pointless."

    Your writing seems so effortless the way you tug (rip out) our heartstrings!! ;)

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    Replies
    1. Rick: Why thank you. :) Such a lovely compliment coming from someone as prolific as you.

      And as for taking the lessons from old relationships, I think on some level we always carry them with us. If I ever get published, I'm gonna have to pay royalties to a few people, the usual suspects on this blog. haha

      I've been seeing those epigrams you've been doing. Real interesting use of media. I'm sorry I haven't left any comments. I've been transitioning between jobs and so it's just a crazy time. I will find time to drop by today. :)

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  6. ayan. matapos kung magbasa, isang malalim na bunting hininga ulit.

    ---------------
    nung tinimbrehan ako na may post ka, medyo nag isip ako ng tatlong oras kung babasahin ko ba o hindi.

    para kasing nagbubudbod ako ng kalamansi sa bagong hiwang balat pag nagbabasa ako ng post mo.

    yung tipong ayoko maging malungkot pero masyado kasing maganda yung paghabi ng ideya, salita at paglalarawan mo kaya hindi ko rin napigilan iclick tong bagong entry nato.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Overthinker Palaboy: Alam mo, kagabi ko pa nabasa 'tong comment mo pero di ko alam paano mag-react.

      On the one hand, nasad ako. Kasi siyempre ayoko naman na may ganun na akong image. I'd like to think I can be happy too but then even the illiterate can see that this blog's really about sadness. layout palang eh. haha

      On the other hand, natuwa din naman ako. I'm glad that you felt something when you read this when most of the time, ang hirap humanap ng anything na rereactan. (or ako lang ba yun?) So ipapacross stitch ko yang comment mo na may picture ni ibong adarna tapos isasabit ko sa sala! lolz

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    2. Sakto lang. Natagalan din ako magbasa ng entry mo. Halfway, napatigil ako. Nakakainis kasi yung imagery mo na mga ginagamit. Connect masyado. Parang kelangan unti-untiin. Baka ma-OD ako bigla-bigla.

      Natawa ako sa cross stitch. Hindi ko alam kung pano ko tatapatan yun. Hahaha.

      Delete
    3. Overthinker Palaboy: Ikaw ha. Bibinggo ka na sa akin. haha I'm guessing those are compliments. At any rate, na-aappreciate ko naman.

      Tapatan mo by joining me! Mag-cross stitch party tayo. Tapos dapa sa shalang lugar para todo hiya! haha

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    4. Mas trip ko ang old school na magburda kesa magcross stitch :P Hahahaha! Isasama natin dapat si ser mot :P

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    5. OP: Ganito nalang. You can burda tapos I'll cross stitch! haha At game yan si mots. pwede siya mag.. um... ano pa ba pwede?

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    6. pwede siya maggantsilyo. hahaha. naaalala ko tuloy kung paano ako bumagsak sa HE subject ko noong elementary :P

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    7. OP: I was trying to think nga kung ano yung isang metal thing lang. Yun yun diba?

      Ako, my incompetence continued hanggang practical arts sa high school. haha my teacher didn't want to sit on the stool i made in fear for his life. haha

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    8. oo. yun nga yun. haha!

      I went to fishery school when i was in high school. kaya walang practical arts. buti na lang. haha. gumagawa na lang kami ng lambat at panghuli ng mga pusit. haha.

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    9. OP: Seryoso? Fishery school? First time kong malaman na may ganun. Nakakaloka ha. Sabagay, I'm assuming na lumaki ka malapit sa dagat. Aanhin mo nga naman ang pag-gawa ng extension cord or silkscreen kung pwede naman kayong turuan ng paglalambat! shushal!

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    10. i was supposed to go to science high school.pero lahat ng barkada ko nasa fishery school. syempre panahon ng pagbibinata, mas importante ang barkada. haha.

      enjoy naman. 5 days a week kami nasa tabing dagat :)

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    11. OP: Malamang, Ms. Angola na ang peg nun! haha That must've been fun. I only had my crappy practical arts lessons. I'm still waiting for the time na I need to make my own extension cord. :x

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    12. may 1 fishery school din dito samin hhih :) district 4 ng Panem lang ang peg!

      at hindi ako sanay ma gantsilyo! :D

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    13. mots: basta walang district 12 or 13, okay na ako. haha

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    14. pano yan di tuloy ang cross stitch, burda at gantsilyo. haha XD

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    15. OP: Kill joy kasi to si Mots eh. Hanap nalang tayo ng common ground. Sanay ka ba mag-luto? lolz

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  7. Replies
    1. Pepe: Yes pepe? I'm hoping that's a good retelling of my name?

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  8. Oh boy, this made sense again and again. The agony of longing that at once sana di nalang nangyari or di nalang tayo nagkakilala. Darn- hirap espilingin ng mundane na yan ha.

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    1. Tim: You just did! (spell mundane, that is haha)

      Pero yeah, ganun talaga pag-sariwa pa lahat diba? Paulit ulit. Nakaka-obsess!

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    2. Yup. Got your point. Ako nga, ditch off na naman ulit. Ewan, wala na atang matino. Hot, macho and smart naman ako. bakit kaya.. At maalaga, di seloso. hays.

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    3. Tim Smithson: Parang open casting call lang! Halina mga boys, dakpin na si Kuya Tim!

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  9. Hope is the opium on which all religions are based.

    And yet, illusory or real, lives without hope are far more bitter, far more sad, far more tragic.

    Small wonder why the world's religions thrive, despite all hope being predicated on a wing and a prayer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rudeboy: "Small wonder why the world's religions thrive, despite all hope being predicated on a wing and a prayer." Maybe it's nice to have something tangible to hold on to. Like the character could've just let go or whatever but he needed the little candle/torch thing to start the process. Think of all the religious sacraments and what they signify. You could easily say you'd spend the rest of your life with someone but until you have a tangible ceremony with vows in front of God and mooching relatives, it doesn't mean anything. lolz

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  10. Wew! Reading those heartfelt words with matching eargasmic symphony. Napa-emo mode ako bigla. Haha.

    Napadaan dahil kay ser mots. Ang lupet mong magsulat! New follower here.

    More soul crashing thoughts, yeah? :)

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    Replies
    1. Gord: Hello po! Welcome to my blog.

      Eargasmic symphony talaga? Yeah, Ingrid Michaelson is a genius. I've been wanting to use this song for quite some time now pero parang wala pa kasing perfect na perfect eh.

      Mabuti naman at nakatawid ka from mots. And yes, more "soul crashing" thoughts. haha

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  11. ay, juskopo nyl! ikaw na talaga! :) gondoh ng post na 'to. it has this TPOBAW feel. sarap basahin ng pauulit-ulit in different accents. :p

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    1. Nate: Heeeeeyyy!!! I love perks. like ehrmagerd. To compare this to that, sobrang nakakabaliw.

      Alam mo, I kinda do that too. haha Part siya ng editing process para I know na the words "flow" right. May sense ba? haha pero a few posts, nakaka-british. chaka nga eh. haha

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    2. ahahaha!

      honestly, i read this one in british accent. LOL

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    3. Nate: You should read the next one! lolz di na siya pwedeng i-british. lolz

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  12. I guess both of us are going through the same thing. Yes, time is all we have, but dont treat it as an enemy but a friend.

    Its hard to cope especially if you have invested so much on one relationship and to have it fall apart is devastating. Let's all take it as a learning experience to make sure that it doesnt happen again in the future.

    *hugs* :-)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Jayce: Hey there! It's been a while! And it's been a while din since I really felt this way.

      I hope you feel better. Medyo delayed na tong response ko but malay mo. A lot can happen in a week. *hugs*

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  13. Hope is cruel. Hope kills when you still think you can be with someone, who is clearly not right or meant for you. Thanks for writing this one. Gotta catch up on my Citybuoy-reading. :-)

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    1. E. Wong: Hey hey! You're back! :)

      Looks like you've done a little hoping in the past. Hope she wasn't too cruel to you. :)

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