Monday, January 16, 2012

side x side (II)

It starts with the smallest things. I could be at work, in bed, having coffee or watching a movie and then something reminds me of you. Like a pebble tossed into the river, I watch the ripples getting bigger and bigger. You are the pebble, my heart is the lake (and this is a crappy metaphor). I think of your voice, the way you say my name differently, the way you mock the way I speak. And then I smile. It’s a quiet one and barely anyone notices but inside, I’m all giggly and stuff and so I text you so you know I’m thinking about you.

I picture the life we’ll have together. I see your paintings in galleries, my stories in books, our names in the paper and magazines. I see the house we’ll buy in the city, the pictures on the piano that make this house a home. I smell dinner from the kitchen. I see toys messy on the floor. I see you painting in the bedroom, my sleeping face forever imprinted on easel and paint. I embrace you because it feels like I might burst if I don’t. And when I do, it still feels that way.

I let these thoughts crawl into every corner of my life. My friends say I’ve been smiling more, like there’s more bounce in my step. I go about my day and wonder what you’re doing at that exact moment (probably sleeping) and daydream about our lives, your paintings, my books, the pebble and the feeling of bursting if I don’t hold you, the feeling of bursting when I do. The office DJ starts playing a song and I’m like oh my gawd. Turn it up! This shit’s the best. The lady sings. Off key and at full volume, I sing along.
It starts with the smallest things. I could be at work, in bed, having coffee or watching a movie and then the darkness comes back. It’s like a gunshot through thick glass. It doesn’t shatter right away. It creeps, killing slowly with tension and force. I act normal, control the tone of my voice, the way I sip my coffee and watch for the twitch in my left eye. And then I smile. It’s a fake one but no one notices. Inside, it feels like the hollow has taken over and it’s sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe and I’m lonely and dying.

I look at the life I live. My promotion didn’t help like I thought it would. I read reports with glossed eyes while I think of stories I failed to write. I go home to my house in the city, find it is every bit as lonely as me. I jerk off severely because apart from alcohol, it’s the only way I can get some decent sleep. I think of you because you’re the only one who makes me burst. If that doesn’t work, I watch simulated rape videos online and worry about feeling guilty another day.

I keep these thoughts from crawling into my life because that’s what good, normal boys do. The darkness whispers and I shush him. I make an effort to smile more, force a bounce in my step. I go about my day and wonder if anyone is as lonely as I am. I close my eyes and wonder if anyone else hears the gunshot through thick glass or faps to Japanese porn or if my stories will die when I do. The darkness visits more regularly now. I use my iPod to block him out. Off key and at full volume, I sing along.

Do you want the truth or something beautiful?
I am happy to deceive you.
Sacred lies and telling tales,
I can be who you want me to be
But do you want me?

♫: Paloma Faith | Do You Want the Truth or Something Beautiful? (2009)
Post: side x side



It all started with a tweet. Can emo bloggers change their stripes? Blog superstar Spiral Prince and I shall attempt to do just that. The rules are simple. Write ten consecutive happy posts. If you falter, you have to write five more. *gulp*

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! It all starts next week. Wish us luck!

The Emo Blogger's Happy Blogging Challenge: Prologue

75 comments:

  1. This is kind of intense. I like it.

    "Do you want the truth or something beautiful?"

    Truth is beautiful. And that darkness is never permanent.

    Happy New Year, Citybuoy.

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  2. Sitting Pretty: Ooh, you're back! And you're not in Cebu anymore? Whoa! Happy New Year indeed!

    The song is so intense.I've had lines from the song on my Blogger profile for a while now. You should see the video! (Wait a minute, hold on just one second. 2012 na pala at naimbento na ang Youtube!) Watch this! She gave me goosebumps every time she turned around. Song's intense. Video's intense. Lahat intense! :)

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  3. something beautiful is the only truth i know.

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  4. She is happy to deceive you. That doesn't, judging from her face at the end, apply to her. She, like you in your dichotomous story, cannot deceive herself. Your two story versions mirror perfectly her two different expressions in the video that you mention in your comment to Sitting Pretty. I like this piece, but am also somewhat shaken by it. There MUST be a compromise in between. There must....be....

    You know, Nyl, I hear her voice on another song almost everyday at work. I have no idea what it is, but having seen this video, she is a compelling artist.

    (And so are YOU!) :)

    Rick

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  5. Very intense and heart felt and real

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  6. John Chen: how sad. Doesn't it get tiring? The truth is heavy and unfortunately, not a lot of people think it's as pretty.

    Rick: oddly enough, I was thinking about that. The song is the compromise, something that the original post didn't have. I wanted to show how two warring sides coexist. They can be completely different but they sing the same song. :p

    And thank you for your kind words. You should get this record. This song called New York made me shit rainbows. :)

    LOF: remember the first side x side? You helped me edit that. Haha I wonder if it's any different from when it first came out. You had far more things to say two years ago. Lolz

    Woman In Love: oh wow. Such lovely words. Thank you, ma'am and welcome to ly blog. :)

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  7. i think there are several layers of denial going on here. and some of them are emanating from my psyche and entangling with those emanating from yours. two years ago, i celebrated your shadow (i recalled the title but couldn't place without assistance.) in this post, however, it appears you have pandered to the prurient interests of my shadow by binding your shadow into a disturbing shock-and-awe, domination-submission spectacle of the most clever articulation of denial -- the purloined letter variety. in a word, fascinating. =P

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  8. Heyy, thanks for the link. I had never heard of her before... I kinda like her voice. It's like a combination of equal parts Fiona Apple and Duffy. =)

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  9. LOF: I hate how you see past things I hide. The first side x side was a confession. I wrote it around the time I met A and wanted him to see who I was. This comes two years later and I'm not sure I'm the same person anymore. I deny the darkneaa by bringing it to light but there is so much of it, I realized (too late) and I'm blabbing so I'm stopping.

    Sitting Pretty: yeah, she's the best. British like Duffy, pensive (but not as) like Fiona. Listen to New York. That's my personal favorite.

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  10. Just last night, I was wondering how you were, Nyl.

    Guess this answers that.

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  11. intriguing. hehe =)

    natry mo na ang threaded comments?

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  12. Rudeboy: I got a little sad over the weekend because I didn't have anyone to talk to. But at least it got me writing again. :/

    Ahmer: I tested it. It only works if you have the views template set up and I'm not that big a fan of that eh. Sana they bring threaded comments to all layouts.

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  13. ןıu oɟɟןıɥʇJanuary 16, 2012 6:55 PM

    The persistent persona. the collective affliction of our time.

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  14. LOF: I apologize. I just sent you a hurried message on facebook. I was trying to activate threaded comments when ii accidentally deleted your comment. That's me above impersonating you. Haha the android system didn't copy your name right though. :( I blame the not so persistent persona.

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  15. i really love the new lay-out, the columns, the colors, the first entry of the year :) purrfect nyl

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  16. "I make an effort to smile more, force a bounce in my step."

    and suddenly i remember your bouncy, "skippy and hoppity" walk :)

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  17. Mots: Aww.. thanks! :) Alam ko choosy ka sa mga design ekek so salamat for appreciating it. :)

    Lee: Alam mo yan.. haha effort kaya yun. haha

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  18. strangely i didn't like my answer there and had contemplated deleting it myself... only now do i realize the synchronic similarity between line and nyl... thanks android.

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  19. LOF: So I've been reading our comment exchange trying to figure out what the synchronic similarity is between me and the line. haha

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  20. n/iː/l ≅ l/ī/n where /iː/ ~ /ī/ ... the difference may simply be ordination, especially in regions where /iː/ = /ī/ ... the starbuck in boracay, being one example, your android perhaps being another...

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  21. LOF: I think I just crapped rainbows. haha

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  22. This post brought out, again, a darkness in me that I thought I had burned with my 2011 calendar. What you wrote will haunt me for days, I am certain. But I think I must face it; there's no other choice. Denying that the darkness still exists won't make it go away.

    And I love, love Paloma!:) She gives me auditory orgasm. Haha I think I may have written something about her. I especially like 'New York' and 'Smoke and Mirrors'.

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  23. Adaptedboy: I recently came to terms with my darkness again. I thought for sure he'd left a while back but he was really just loading around.

    New York is love! It's the reason why I got the record. I love how raspy her voice is at times. Makes you feel her words more. She should make more records.

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  24. Yes, definitely more records from a brilliant artist like her. I love her voice, too! It kind of reminds me of Amy Winehouse (only sober haha).

    And, oh, I want the truth no matter how dark. ;)

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  25. This entry makes me think deeper upon forcing myself to think positive thoughts versus what's being thrown in front of my face as a reality.

    Somehow, I've been in a position of thinking more of the reality which often times curdles to depression. That no matter what I do, that no matter how I massively inject my thoughts with something auspicious, nothing happens. So I let it be.

    And letting it all go makes it more beautiful.

    BTW, I love the song.

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  26. Fascinating. Enchantingly beautiful Such a wonderful corners! Love is a masterpiece that God have bestowed us.

    Loving this!

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  27. The contrast is beautiful. And truths are ugly. They make you wake up from blissful daydreams. Yet they are the most important. And the most essential for sanity's sake.

    Sometimes we swallow truths though deep inside, we'd rather vomit them..

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  28. hmm... i love this. i never saw it coming.

    there is something on the right paragraph that is making me love it more. :)

    awesome job, hottie. pak!

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  29. Aww, this is so beautiful. :') The paragraph on the left left me sort of teary-eyed. I guess that's because I have felt that way so many times in the past.
    I need to know, is that a confession? Are any of them?
    Great one, keep writing! Xx

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  30. Adaptedboy: come to think of it, I really appreciated her nung height of my obsession with Brit pop.

    As for preferring the truth, I wish more people shared the same sentiment.

    Leomer: Hi! Long time no hear. :)

    There is beauty in letting go. I guess that explains the pleasure from posting this. But often times, appreciating the truth and accepting it are two completely different things. Often times, when the seams start to come undone, it's very hard to stay.

    Tim: Thanks! :) Glad you liked it.

    Rei: I think the vomit comparison is quite accurate. I would like to vomit these truths but daily, I'm forced to swallow them.

    As for brown (wow, you actually paid attention to the picture), I wanted a happy color like blue or green but it looked off with the red so I figured the brown's subtlety looked nice. It didn't have to be bonggang bonggang happy. hehe

    LJ: Hottie talaga? Thanks LJ! :) The right paragraph is harder to appreciate so thanks! :)

    Vanilla: Ooh a new face! Welcome to my blog. Yes, it is a confession of some sorts. The first one was more of a confession but since this one just borrows from that.. blah blah blah I'm babbling.

    Thanks for dropping by. I really appreciate it. :)

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  31. Haha, you're welcome. :) I love how you write. And by the way, I'm not new. This is my first comment! XD

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  32. Vanilla: Ooh.. well I'm really glad you spoke up then. :) Did you hop here from Saanya's page? Sorry, I'm OC that way and I like making associations.

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  33. mary magdalene said: i'll look at your shadow if you don't wish me to look at you.

    jesus replied: i wish to be wherever my shadow is if that is where your eyes are.


    -the gospel according to jesus christ, jose saramago

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  34. Haha,I think so, a few months ago? I used to be someone else back then. Yeah, I like her blog too. Even though I disagree with one of her posts. So yeah, I saw your comment and I followed you here! :)

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  35. Then I guess you'd have to subtly swallow these unpalatable thoughts (wonder how you'd do that).

    Anyway, hate to burst your bubble Nyl but I wasn't talking about the photo. I'm talking about the template hahaha.

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  36. I see what you did there, Mr. Citybuoy. I see it clearly. :p

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  37. Geek: not a big saramago fan but that quote looks divine. Thanks.for.sharing! :)

    Vanilla: no matter the circumstance, I'm glad you're here. Enjoy! :)

    Rei: oh! Haha well I have always liked.bright colors. One of the.first citybuoy templates was orange and so i just wanted to see if I could do it again.

    Spiral: loving the meme reference. Haha when're we gonna do Challenge Accepted?

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  38. Really now? I love orange too. Haha. And that's not because tangerine is the color of the year. I just think it's warm and comforting. Chos..

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  39. I shall! :) Though please don't tell Saanya that I'm here, if you don't mind!

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  40. Rei: Orange is the best! haha it goes well with sad and happy posts.

    Tangerine is the color of the year? Wow, things I would've never known if I didn't blog. lol

    Vanilla: No prob. She hasn't been here in a while anyway so I think it's safe to say your secret's safe. :)

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  41. Yeah. Read that somewhere. Tangerine Tango I think.

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  42. beautifully crafted.

    i am looking forward to that series of posts. :)

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  43. Rei: How curious. Lemme go Google it.

    Pepe: Thanks! Also, don't forget to check out the other challenge participants. Right now, there are only two of us but I'm thinking we'll be expanding real soon. haha *shameless plugging*

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  44. maybe when someone lies to you in your comments section, s/he doesn't know the extent of the capabilities of your blog stats programs... or maybe they're flirting with you

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  45. Wow, first post for the year! Welcome back! Hope you had a great vacation. Ako ito, same old. Broke pa rin, hahah

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  46. superstar?! i thought i was part of the royalty. hahaha. snarky parinig comment grabe. erase erase. we're supposed to be nice. lezzdothis nyl!

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  47. ogawd, the thousand ways my previous comment could be interpreted as. hahaha.

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  48. Go ogle. LOL.

    Anyway, good luck on that blogging challenge. I'm sure you can do it. :D

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  49. Please know that I've read this post since you published it days ago and here, I am, still, I don't know what to say.
    .
    .
    But coming from a liar, truth is always beautiful enough.

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  50. LOF: You're hilarious. haha

    Andy B.: Well, I think I still owe you coffee for being my 100th follower. Tara na!

    Spiral: And this is why I am so glad to be doing this project with you. haha

    Rei: Thanks!

    DB: Maybe you also have multiple sides? And completely agree about truth. It's always really purrty even when it stings.

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  51. Ang ganda ganda naman nito...two different worlds...like an episode of fringe :-)

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  52. Mac: Haven't seen any episodes pero I'll go check it out. haha thanks!

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  53. Wow. You seriously have a gift with the way you capture emotions with the right words. One of your best.

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  54. James: Thanks! That's so sweet of you. :)

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  55. i like this! lalo na yung dark side~ lol.

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  56. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  57. "I embrace you because it feels like I might burst if I don’t." Ah, those were just the right words. (sigh) I think of staying here for a few more hours to read some of your old posts. Keep the creative mind working. And hey, that's not a crappy metaphor! :)

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  58. Yohan: May darkness din ba si Mr. Belarmino? haha

    Vanilla/Chelo: Hello! Naconfuse ako kasi may Vanilla at may Chelo din na bloggers and you turned out to be neither. haha Welcome to my blog! :)

    Stay as long as you want. :) Just don't go to the deep end (mga first three years haha) kasi chaka yung mga yun. Thanks for dropping by! :)

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  59. Yes, that's why I changed my name! I really like your blog. How long have you been writing? :)

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  60. Chelo: Too long. Haha I celebrated my 7th year as a blogger last October. I actually started publishing stuff online before that (I had a crappy geocities) but I only started taking these things seriously around '08 when Multiply was all hip and stuff. haha You?

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  61. I started writing at 14. I've won several awards back then, so I was motivated. I'm eighteen now and still writing. I plan of joining a competition this year. That's why I am looking around, for inspiration. I'm glad I've found this page. :)

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  62. I'm talking about awards in high school, hahaha!

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  63. Chelo: Awww well, good luck with that. Try the PBAs! They usually start at the third quarter of the year. You can prep for a few months pa. hehe

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  64. Lies or Truth? Sometimes, both of them hurt as much. So, better tell both.

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  65. I have no idea about sports writing! Haha! I hope you could read some of my (crappy) works, so I can improve my writing. :)

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  66. Vher: Wow, it's nice to see you again. haha In a perfect world, people don't even need to lie. They'd just tell the truth and it would be cool. I doubt if we need to tell both if the truth were enough.

    Chelo: I didn't mean the Philippine Basketball Association! Haha I meant the Philippine Blog Awards (although the acronyms are confusing. They really should think of a new one. haha)

    I swear I'll drop by once I get the time. I checked this afternoon and there weren't any full posts yet. haha

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  67. Haha. I thought PBA writing contest! Okay. I'll work on my blog once I get over my midterms. It's a real tough job of balancing school work with my writing, arg!

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  68. You had me at your first paragraph. I clicked the follow button on the second. I was surprised by the full 180. I don't know why the title or the picture at the top weren't enough as context clues for me. Haha!

    Anyway, I admire how beautifully you described how these two conflicting persona could be side by side. I also like the song and how I think the comments are equally as insightful as the post.

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  69. Chelo: You should seriously try it out. It's a fun little thing a lot of people super get into at the end of the year. :)

    Linzy: Your comment made me smile. Welcome to my blog. Thanks for enjoying! And yes, I enjoy the post but the discussions after make it so much better. I've got a lot of cool people in my comments page. You should go check them out too.

    Korki: Hello! :)

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  70. Jusko Citibuoy! Ano ba pwede kong itawag sa'yo? My name is Rowell, what's yours?

    Each story that I read, napapa "jusko" ako lalo! Ano bang mahika o anting anting meron ka?

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    1. Rowell: You can call my Nyl. Most people here do anyway. Napapa jusko ka ba? haha Salamat naman. Napangiti mo ako ulit. Writing gives me so much joy but when I hear about people na naligayahan because of it, feeling ko siksik, liglig at umaapaw ang kaligayahan. Maraming salamatttt chos

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