side x side (II)

It starts with the smallest things. I could be at work, in bed, having coffee or watching a movie and then something reminds me of you. Like a pebble tossed into the river, I watch the ripples getting bigger and bigger. You are the pebble, my heart is the lake (and this is a crappy metaphor). I think of your voice, the way you say my name differently, the way you mock the way I speak. And then I smile. It’s a quiet one and barely anyone notices but inside, I’m all giggly and stuff and so I text you so you know I’m thinking about you. I picture the life we’ll have together. I see your paintings in galleries, my stories in books, our names in the paper and magazines. I see the house we’ll buy in the city, the pictures on the piano that make this house a home. I smell dinner from the kitchen. I see toys messy on the floor. I see you painting in the bedroom, my sleeping face forever imprinted on easel and paint. I embrace you because it feels like I might burst if I don’t. And when I do, it still feels that way. I let these thoughts crawl into every corner of my life. My friends say I’ve been smiling more, like there’s more bounce in my step. I go about my day and wonder what you’re doing at that exact moment (probably sleeping) and daydream about our lives, your paintings, my books, the pebble and the feeling of bursting if I don’t hold you, the feeling of bursting when I do. The office DJ starts playing a song and I’m like oh my gawd. Turn it up! This shit’s the best. The lady sings. Off key and at full volume, I sing along.

It starts with the smallest things. I could be at work, in bed, having coffee or watching a movie and then the darkness comes back. It’s like a gunshot through thick glass. It doesn’t shatter right away. It creeps, killing slowly with tension and force. I act normal, control the tone of my voice, the way I sip my coffee and watch for the twitch in my left eye. And then I smile. It’s a fake one but no one notices. Inside, it feels like the hollow has taken over and it’s sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe and I’m lonely and dying. I look at the life I live. My promotion didn’t help like I thought it would. I read reports with glossed eyes while I think of stories I failed to write. I go home to my house in the city, find it is every bit as lonely as me. I jerk off severely because apart from alcohol, it’s the only way I can get some decent sleep. I think of you because you’re the only one who makes me burst. If that doesn’t work, I watch simulated rape videos online and worry about feeling guilty another day. I keep these thoughts from crawling into my life because that’s what good, normal boys do. The darkness whispers and I shush him. I make an effort to smile more, force a bounce in my step. I go about my day and wonder if anyone is as lonely as I am. I close my eyes and wonder if anyone else hears the gunshot through thick glass or faps to Japanese porn or if my stories will die when I do. The darkness visits more regularly now. I use my iPod to block him out. Off key and at full volume, I sing along.

Do you want the truth or something beautiful?
I am happy to deceive you.
Sacred lies and telling tales,
I can be who you want me to be
But do you want me?

♫: Paloma Faith | Do You Want the Truth or Something Beautiful? (2009)
Post: side x side

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It all started with a tweet. Can emo bloggers change their stripes? Blog superstar Spiral Prince and I shall attempt to do just that. The rules are simple. Write ten consecutive happy posts. If you falter, you have to write five more. *gulp*

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! It all starts next week. Wish us luck!

The Emo Blogger's Happy Blogging Challenge: Prologue

• citybuoy: side x side (II)
• Spiral Prince: Vintage Truths
• Manila Bitch: Surviving Ennui
• ןıuǝ oɟ ɟןıƃɥʇ: A Prologue, A Series
• The Orange Wit: At The Beginning
• ♔ıǝɹɯɐı♔: 10:29:46pm