Friday, September 16, 2011

how would you do it?

How would you do it? It’s a question that’s been in my head for over a week now. I suppress it, fill my head with things to do, anything to get my mind off it. Deal with problems as they arise. My laptop battery dies, I grab my charger. My tummy rumbles, I eat. My coffee spills, I wipe it up. Never succumb, nothing is let go. But there are days like today when I’m too weak to fight; too weak to stay sane so I just let the thoughts calmly trickle down.

I imagine white sheets on a white bed in a blindingly white room. There is a Tornatore score in the background. The windows are open but the sun is too bright to see anything. The curtains sway feverishly. I am naked, lost in slumber in the middle of the bed. A small red dot appears in the middle of the bed. It grows and grows until all you see is red. The sheets, the bed, the curtains, the wallpaper. The cellos end on a peculiar note. I’ve slit my wrists. The scene fades to black.

The next scene finds me on the roof of a skyscraper. It is nighttime. Hyperballad plays from a loud car on the street. I go through all this before you wake up, Björk sings. Her song mixes with car horns, traffic sounds, trains screeching through tracks. I feel the wind on my face. My shirt gets magically unbuttoned. I leap. I am free. I smile. Safe again with you, she sings over and over again. The scene fades to black.

I am in the bath in the house I grew up in. I soak. My mind is at ease. I close my eyes. My mother is listening to the news on our old multiplex. A murder in Marikina. No one saw it coming. No suspects, no leads, just a body in the middle of the river. I tune out. The water is so calm, so inviting. I fidget a little, ripples on the water’s surface. I dip my head slowly. The water enters through my nose, my ears, my eyes. I feel it in my lungs. The radio begins to sound muffled. The scene fades to black.

Hanging. Sleeping pills. An insane amount of ecstasy. An air-conditioned car with a hose in the muffler. Leaping in front of a speeding bus along EDSA. Gasoline and a match. A river and a stone. The scenes mix, one right after the other like boom boom boom. The soundtrack confuses. Sia, Adele, Sparklehorse, Fiona Apple, Liz Phair and Amy Winehouse. OneRepublic, Robyn, Paula Cole and a Lady GaGa song for good measure. Silence, static, the Angkor Wat theme. I am dizzy. And then, a realization.

How can someone die when he’s already dead? How can you kill someone who’s already been killed?

How? We meet. It is wonderful. We share coffee and cigarettes. A Train song plays in the background. We laugh, discuss poetry and movies, time flies. A park bench. Love. A day, a week, a month, six months. I start to believe in myself again. All of the shit I went through in the past suddenly makes sense. We make plans. He talks about our home, our children, the stories we will write. Promise me you’ll always be happy by my side. I promise to sing to you when all the music dies.*

And then, it does. There is only silence. A bump in the road. And then another one. And then another one. It feels like all we ever think about is him leaving. I hide, weep quietly. I show him nothing. There’s no reason for both of us to be miserable. I withdraw. Am I here? A missed opportunity. Another one. Another one. I am invisible.

A week before a year and he needs me. I am distant. I am busy. He seeks comfort in another man. Can you blame him? A choice, a decision. Him instead of me. Another decision. Him again. Again and again and again. Can you blame him? I am broken. I am nothing. I’ve lost faith in men and love and the birds in the sky. I’ve stopped believing I will ever love again. It feels like I’m a sheet of paper slowly burning in anger and self-pity. He has killed me. The scene fades to black.

A co-worker barks my name snapping me back to reality. I am suddenly awake and painfully aware that all that I’ve written is true. And then there are things to do, bills to be paid, emails to respond to and reports to be sent. Life goes on despite the absence of it. I breeze through the tasks at hand.

Are you okay? a friend asks. You look terrible.

I’m not, I answer reluctantly, but I will be. I smile. It is vacant. In my head, I see slit wrists, tall buildings and buses speeding along EDSA. I put on my headset, plug it into my iPod and the world is silenced by a song.

You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high.
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie.

♫: Fiona Apple | Never Is A Promise (1996)

53 comments:

  1. This was my 2009. What's left to do is to wait for time to numb the pain. (ikaw rin ata nagsabi sakin neto noon(?)haha)There, there.

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  2. NYL. I feel you. Here are words I never said; words a good friend told me to write down; words I thought were vanquished. You called them back, Nyl. Thank you.


    Don't you dare not resurrect, you phoenix, you.

    *virtualhug*

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  3. @Yohan: Did I say that? Recently, a friend gave me advice- the same one I gave him years ago. All I could think of was that's bullshit. lol They say advice never hurt the giver. They never factored in the advice that was returned to sender. lol

    @Spiral: Thanks. I think at this point, I've been feeding on people's sympathy when I should be focusing on addressing these issues. As I tweeted, blogging is the new therapy. :/

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  4. i wonder if this is a moment where your unconscious is nudging you to better differentiate between your persona (in the Jungian sense) and your ego (your conscious center of personality). "it is dead and yet i'm still alive, and more free than ever."

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  5. @LOF: Not really sure. I think this blog post would mesh better in my other blog but then I got so tired of stifling emotions in real life and then censoring myself here and so I was like fuck it, let's go.

    I'm dead yet still alive but whether I'm free or not is anyone's guess. I am held without chains by his memory or my persistence to get what I feel I deserve.

    *babbling*

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  6. oh my! been there several times. i am saying i am ok now but still his memory, rather our memory together still haunts me. but i know i'm gonna be fine.

    you are a wonderful guy and a brilliant one seeing all of your posts. the right one will come along. just be positive. you are still young unlike me. feeling running out of time.

    God bless my friend and take care!

    JJRod'z

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  7. @JJ: Thanks for the good vibes. You're very sweet. Knowing someone's gone through it and made it out alive is definitely comforting.

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  8. @nyl: the flowing words and the vivid narration of your dream engrossed me and left me gasping for air after this line.. --- "A co-worker barks my name snapping me back to reality."

    Although, this time it's more of you and less of Story.. though i feel his persona in post..

    Like what I told DB (Desole Boy), don't give up on love.. if you won't find "love," then "love" will find you..

    *hugs*

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  9. "Life goes on despite the absence of it." I like that, sad but real.

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  10. In the fugue of depression, I understand how real it seems that the fog will never lift, and that there can only be one way for the ache and the pain to end.

    How would I do it, Nyl? Falling from a high place sounds peaceful and poetic. Slit wrists in a warm bath sounds comforting and relaxed. I've often imagined I would shoot myself instead - a fitting testament to my temper and the violence of my emotions.

    But no. If and when the time comes, i think I shall just get into my car, find an empty stretch of road, and just drive as fast as I can until I meet eternity.

    "How can someone die when he's already dead? How can you kill someone who's already been killed?"

    Not very long ago - quite recently, as a matter of fact - I asked myself these very same questions. And I arrived at the conclusion that I was not only dead, but I was also in hell. For what is hell but an endless loop of torment? And contrary to popular belief, it's not hot there at all.

    It's a cold, cold place.

    There was no bright light, no voice calling me from above, no epiphany of blinding clarity. But I found myself among the living again. Paying bills. Ignoring emails. Yes, life goes on despite the absence of it.


    Oh, and "As I tweeted, blogging is the new therapy." Funny, I thought it always had been.

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  11. @Nate: Thank you for the virtual hugs. Yes, it's all me this time. I didn't want to hide behind Story anymore. I figured if you can't be honest in your own blog then where can you bed?

    @Sarah: At first I didn't recognize the line. Blame it on the lack of sleep, I guess. lol

    @Rudeboy: The ol' car-off-a-cliff bit. I left that one out. I can't drive but I'd gladly learn how to just to prove a point. haha

    Now, my religion tells me that this is not hell, that hell is far worse and then when you die, you either go there or you go to heaven. There is no spiritual waiting room whatsoever. When then do I feel like I'm in limbo?

    Thank you. So far, you're the only one who's answered the question. I guess you being so morbid isn't so bad after all. lol

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  12. @ Nyl : At the risk of sparking a theological debate, I believe that hell (or Hell) isn't so much a physical place, as it is a state of mind.

    You can still be alive and be in hell at the same time.

    Just ask anyone who's had to watch Madonna act.

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  13. I haven't really ventured with my lovelife, that I feel less than what other people feel in hurting. I won't say that I can't totally relate, but I've been on this phase, it's just that I passed by it swiftly. Or maybe I'm in denial?

    I still feel you, though. It's like the spirit of Adele has channeled on your sleepy soul.

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  14. @Rudeboy: Spark forth, Ruddie. I'm sure LOF and I would really appreciate it. haha

    Are you sure that was hell you were talking about? If it's a state of mind, I don't think I'm in hell. I have a lot to be grateful for pa naman. Good job, friends who leave me alone, a supportive family and great tits. Charot.

    And I haven't seen enough Madonna movies but if her British accent is any indication of her acting skills, I won't hold my breath.

    @Green Breaker: I think we've all felt this in varying degrees. I'm happy you were able to go through it swiftly.

    And just because I love Adele, I love you for saying that I've channeled her. :)

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  15. e and k for me. someone very close to me once tried to drug himself to death. he survived. it was the pained look on my face that killed him.

    *hugs*

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  16. So kailangan ecru yung bathtub??? LOL Sana isa sa mga scenes eh naglaslas ka ng singit or something... Diba? intense yun....

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  17. @Sean: "it was the pained look on my face that killed him."

    Like seriously? Killed him talaga?

    @Glentot: That's so intense. At napansin mo ang ecru? Chaka!

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  18. it is very natural to feel depressed for whatever reason. it is also very natural that you question yourself why these depressions happen to you. but in the end, it must be natural for you to learn how to move on and keep going the positive way. survive from whatever slits your wrist. dont let another friend of yours say that "you look terrible" :)

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  19. @Max: Hi! Welcome to my blog. :)

    haha I guess I should focus on making myself look and feel better. I'm going shopping. lol

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  20. things will be better. i don't know how, but i know things will be.

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  21. I always look for a 'tag' in your posts. This time, it is "ecru bathtub". That alone to my mind negates the sad musings of this post.

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  22. Aww, I love Fiona Apple! My favorite's "Criminal." Love the song, love the video.

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  23. @Rei: Thanks, man. I appreciate it. :)

    @Peter: Tags? That's something different.

    And FYI, I edited that line na. It bothered me too but the bathtub really was in a color called ecru. And if it's bothering me and a few people who read the post, I guess I don't have to be that factual. lol

    @Andy: She's so the bomb. Haven't gotten to listen to When the Pawn Hits... that much. More of Tidal and Extraordinary Machine.

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  24. I just reread this again and realized...that all your stories can be quite good short movies. I think I just realized something a few good friends have been telling me about regarding writing because of it.

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  25. @Spiral: you, sir, are too kind with your compliments. but I appreciate it. i'm such a big fan of movies so that's really great to hear.

    I'm a bit curious on what your friend's advice on writing is. I've got the last part if my series to write but because of recent events, I'm finding it very hard to put myself in the main character's shoes. any help would be super appreciated.

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  26. Well, their advise has always been to be subtle - that instead of painting scenes, I should give voice to my characters and when they speak, they should be subtle. I think it'll take a loooong time to master the skill, you know?

    This is a good example, taken from the Fairy Godmother's blog:

    Sometimes when I look at him I ask myself: where is it, that thing inside of you, cutting you, where is it?

    It doesn't come naturally to me pa. I still have to exert a LOT of effort to execute it well.

    :)

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  27. @Spiral: ooh dialogue. in my opinion, you have to be quite the talker in real life to get a good feel of it. anyone who's met THE Kane knows how people just gravitate towards him when he speaks. that could be it. lol I too have yet to master it. I'm a closet introvert so shoot me.

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  28. This was a chapter in ur life that has now closed and u are now ready to grow and enter another chapter of ur life.  Everything is a learning experience. 

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  29. @Xion: Welcome to my blog. :) Yes, it has closed. I spoke with him the other night and we basically wrapped up with lessons learned and all that stuff. I'm not sure if I'm that ready to grow and enter another chapter in my life. It might be too soon. Who knows? I'm just going at this day by day. :)

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  30. i just simply find this a masterpiece but at the same time disturbing...

    don't forget to smile, nyl.

    :)

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  31. @wandering commuter: salamat, ewik. it slightly disturbs me din. didn't think lilipas yung feeling but it's slowly doing that. haha Sana lang tuloy tuloy na.

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  32. I agree, Nyl. I've seen it happen! hahaha

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  33. @spiral: in fairness kay Kane ha. haha hamo, pag nag-RP tour ako, first stop ko ang Cebu Citeeeehhh!! :)

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  34. I'll be sure to drag Claudio when you do, Nyl. :)

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  35. @Claudio: That is if we can pry him away from his law books. :)

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  36. Correction, we will drag him, Nyl. Anyway, he told he wanted to see the Coffee Babies again, so I think he'll allow himself to be dragged!

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  37. @Spiral: But that'll just be me. Coffee Baby singular :( Anyway, matagal pa naman yun. lol We'll cross the bridge when it's burned. char

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  38. Kahit na! And silly, we don't walk on bridges. We walk on air to traverse continents. Hahahaha.

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  39. @Spiral: Taray, continents apart na tayo! haha Can I be in Antarctica? Parang gusto kong peg yun.

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  40. @Iya: The lady will save us all. Have you heard Robyn's Hyperballad cover? Super crush ko yung song na yan ngayon.

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  41. Which Antartica Nyl? The frozen one or the green one from eons ago? :) Parang gusto kong magpaka Greenland kahit di siya continent. Auroras ang peg ko! :D

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  42. @Spiral: The frozen one, please. Makakatipid ako sa aircon. Kebs na kung mag-icicle ang sipon ko. haha

    And I'm all for auroras. Dalawin kita sa Greenland ha. :)

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  43. I like it! Hahaha, let's make sure we get couture fur coats, Nyl. Shall we dye our hair blonde para feel na feel ang frozen theme?

    You'll have your auroras, too! Swap tayo ng mga pictures. Lolz. Parang pokemon cards lang. :)

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  44. @Spiral: Oh I love that! Gusto ko i-peg si Robyn kahit na di naman siya taga Antarctica! lol Then we'd tell people we're twin sisters or something. Sisters talaga? lol

    I'll trade you my Charmander for a Squirtle!

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  45. my dad once said:

    experience.learn from that experience.evolve from the experience. you're strong citybuoy.

    indiboi:D

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  46. Yes, Nyl. We can claim to be sisters. Valkyrie ang peg ko. Let's claim to be Valkyries. Hahahaha.

    Consider the trade done! :D

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  47. i've read this post many times and still i don't know how to answer that question. probably because it is the same thing i am seeking until now.

    i love bjork and hyperballad is superb.

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  48. @Indiboi: Hello there! Welcome to my blog. I wish you had a link so I could visit your blog too. :)

    Anyway, thank you for your encouraging words. I'm learning so much from the experience, it's such a shame I can't write it all down.

    @Spiral: Oooh, so I had to google wtf those are because my first thought was what? he wants to be twilight characters? haha if so, I so wanna be Dakota Fanning.

    But i'm guessing that's not what you meant.

    @Pepe: Maybe questions like this need not be answered (?) Now that I've calmed down and stuff, I realize I was being a little too dramatic.

    And yes, Hyperballad is love. Robyn's version is super love too. Go look for it.

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  49. I meant Valkyries from Norse myths, Nyl. :) Warriors ang peg!haha

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  50. @Spiral: Well in that case, I want blonde pigtails. And I want a white horse that speaks the language fluently so I don't need to learn it. lol

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  51. valkyries, as in the norse goddesses who live in valhalla? lol

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  52. @LOF: Not exactly sure. I'm letting Spiral lead this. haha

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