Monday, June 27, 2011

eraser

       
My sister visited an eraser factory in Japan and picked up a few trinkets for my nephew. Among the fake sushi plates and the gummy animals was a red and blue helicopter with plastic blades. She was showing it to me the night she arrived and while she was sleeping, I slipped into her room and stole it.

A and I had been going out for quite some time then but I couldn’t find the words or the courage to take us to the next step. It was clear that we loved each other. We both were just afraid of what could happen if we became a couple. One night, after videoke with a few friends, I took him to my favorite park. We both knew what was coming. I was going to ask him to be mine.

“I’ve made so many mistakes,” I began. “I’m not perfect. I’ve fallen for all the wrong people. I didn’t even bother to check if they were going to catch me.”

The September night was crisp. The park was almost deserted at that hour, save for a few insomniacs who were walking around to clear their head. I looked at A, wondering what he was thinking of as he stared back at me. His eyes were a familiar shade of brown. I remember thinking I could swim in those dark pools forever without tiring, without breathing.

“I once said* that the next time I’m going to love, I’m not going to fall into it. I’m going to fly.” I took out the eraser from my backpack’s front pocket. “I want to use this,” I told him. He didn’t laugh. He must’ve been used to my crazy by then.

“And I know that I’m going to make a lot of mistakes. When that happens, I need to know you’re not going to go anywhere. I need to know we can just erase those moments and start over.”

He smiled at me as if to say that he completely understood. There were a few challenges but we didn’t discuss all the details. We were young. We were in love and that was enough.

That was almost a year ago. We’re still in our red and blue chopper, floating around each other’s lives, hoarding the good, keeping out the bad. Several times, we had to use the eraser. Moments when we’d fuck up and we didn’t know how to move on. Lately, I ‘ve been wondering if I could ask for it back. You see there’s a moment that I desperately need to erase.

We should’ve seen it coming. In all fairness, he did tell me that day on the park bench. I just refused to listen. A few weeks after our first anniversary, I will have to say goodbye to A. He’s moving to a place where my arms can no longer reach him. With the advent of technology, you’d think it would be easier for us to stay together but fear and anxiety have their ways of making us doubt. I doubt if I can be enough for him when he’s miles away. I doubt if I can love him when he’s no longer with me.

“I don’t want to be like those long-distance couples who fight and end up consuming each other,” I told him. “I want us to end nicely.” He made a face. I could tell he didn’t agree. He just didn’t want to say anything. He was, after all, the one leaving. I was the one who had to pick up the pieces after.

We had so many plans. I saw countless mornings waking up beside him, hearing the slight wheeze he makes when he sleeps, listening to him talk about random things like life, work, dreams and friends. I saw him come to my aid when I felt lonely, when the demons would be too strong to contain. In my mind’s eye, I saw us sitting on matching recliners, reeking of BenGay, not a single hair between our heads, recounting times when we were just commenting on each other’s blogs. Will I ever see those dreams come to life?

So I want to take that eraser back from him. Because right now, it feels like it’s ending. It feels like we’re ending. It’s like watching a movie after hearing the spoilers. I have nothing but questions, so many questions. Most of them begin with why. Why all of this? Why now? Why did I have to meet him and fall in love if it was all going to end anyway? Why is he the only one who ever really got me? Will we ever be the same?

When he leaves, I know the world will still turn. The streets will still be filled with people rushing, never knowing what was left behind. They say the course of true love never did run smooth*. I was thinking of this one morning as I walked home when I saw a tree almost stripped to its core. I looked at the ground to see the damage most likely caused by that week’s storm. Flowers and leaves lined the street like glitters. They know not of death, I pondered. The flowers, the leaves, they are so unafraid to die. They leap, they fall, they embrace their fate. Why can’t I be as brave? Why can’t I hold on to him like I know he wants me to?

I want to take that eraser back from him and erase this part of our story. I want to rewrite our story so it can be fair, so it doesn’t hurt as much. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to rewrite our own endings?

♫: Adele | Take It All (2011)
Photo: manilabitch

43 comments:

  1. your post reminded me of the lesson from pencils and erasers:

    "yes, pencils are made with erasers to remind us that there are second chances. but the harder lesson about pencils and erasers, is that second chances are LIMITED."

    rewrite if we must but rewrite in earnest.

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  2. oh why oh why this is not happy at all :((((

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  3. @^travis: Welcome to my blog! I wish it were really possible. if freedom is feeling like you can do whatever you want then my own fears have put me in prison.

    @Yohan: I'll be fine. haha plus it ain't over till the fat lady sings. haha

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  4. Hi,

    I followed you before already. But I stopped blogging shortly after I started working. Now, I got back to the blog0-sphere with my new blog. I was trying to catch up with the other blogs I used to follow and I stumbled upon yours. I didn't really know what to expect since it was almost more than a year as well since I stopped blogging. But somehow, this latest entry still managed to touch me. I now remember why I was following you! I couldn't say I could totally relate, but I do get you. I've been through slightly similar circumstances. She was in the States and I was left here in the Phils. We did have a wonderful 4 months apart until we eventually had to let go and move on. It's not easy being in a LDR. And I admired how strong you were to end it before more hurt was caused. I wish I were as strong as you then.

    It will get better. :)

    I may be plugging now, but my latest song cover seems apt for you. Hope you can check out my blog. I made a cover of Falling Slowly which you might like. :)

    XOXO,
    Dick E

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  5. @Dick: Hello sir! Welcome! Or is it welcome back?

    I haven't let go yet. Anyway, we still have a few months before any major decisions need to be made.

    Congratulations on your comeback. I shall check your covers pretty soon. ;)

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  6. @citybuoy - Drop the Sir. Makes me look and sound older. Anyway, I know it's not an easy decision to make, but you know there will always be a brighter day. And besides, we all young! We have the rest of our lives ahead of us. We just have to keep on moving forward.. :)

    "maraming salamat.. thanks for dropping by.. i'm trying to get in touch with all my blogger friends from before so I could also share my music with them.. i was wondering if you could help link up with music blogger as well, in case you know a few of them. :)"

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  7. OMG have you been reading my journal?

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  8. Awwww....*hugs* i wish i could say something about this,about what you need to do,but i'm not good at giving advices...it's you actually who's been giving good advice to me...even though i'm older than you e ikaw talaga ang mas madaming alam and experience..but i'll still be here to listen kahit humihina na ang pandinig ko :) haha...

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  9. this is beautiful. and sad. aw nyl, i wish you and a all the best. if there's no finality to this yet, i'll give you a hint as to how it can be rewritten - "and they lived happily ever after". i know, i'm a sucker for fairytales.

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  10. After all the caution that you took... I can't say any more. There is a decision which has to be made, before he leaves. Wishing you well.

    xo,
    Joe

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  11. @Angel: I think I remember you now. haha you had a blue shirt in your old avatar right? Sige, I'll see if I can find any music bloggers.

    @She Writes: Yes, I have. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

    @Carlo: Salamat. Just you being there is more than enough.

    @Sean: Gusto ko yaaaan!!! Sana nga, Sean. Salamat.

    @Joe: Hey Joe! Yes, big decisions to be made. Thank you for your well wishes. I need all that I can get.

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  12. This is sad, but if I were in your shoes, I'd do the same thing.
    I wish you well. I missed your blogs!

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  13. does it have to end? why not try first? isn't it a bit easier to accept knowing you tried than closing it off without even trying?

    melay mo, magwork. :)

    :(

    kunwari close na tayo, hugs.

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  14. Sometimes I wonder: what if I could go back, and make everything better, make everything the way I'd like them to be? Sounds good, but I wouldn't be the person I am now if everything turned out peachy, hehe

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  15. @Ela: Hello! Thank you for coming back despite my many months of leave. Actually, natakot ako noon na pag-balik ko, nakalimutan na ako. haha

    And although I initially posted this to get all possible points of view, knowing that someone doesn't think I'm being completely rash is a comfort. Thank you.

    @Pepe: I'm banking on that with all the hope I have. Sana nga mag-work.

    At close tayo. haha ganun naman sa blogosphere diba? Salamat sa hugs. *hugs back*

    @Andy: But seriously, are you not tempted? Kahit yung maliliit lang na moments na medyo diyahe? ;p

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  16. the fat lady sings and the world stops. knock on wood.

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  17. @LOF: HBTY!! it's not over till the tubero knocks. lol

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  18. there's a reason for everything,nyl. who knows, someday in the future, you both would look at this with a smile because maybe by then you've realized that you two made the right decision.

    mourn now but don't mourn forever. there are still so many things to be thankful about.

    p.s that's my own p.o.v
    love ya nyl!
    Godbless you. :)

    -key-

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  19. it's not over til the tubero has been paid. =P

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  20. "Flowers and leaves lined the street like glitters. They know not of death, I pondered. The flowers, the leaves, they are so unafraid to die. They leap, they fall, they embrace their fate."

    -i love these lines. :)

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  21. Oh Nyl, I don't think I'll make sense now. But one day, when you are older, you'll see that there's really nothing to be sad about.

    You had / have love, and it was / is wonderful. Of course we want it to last forever, but sometimes that can be too much to ask.

    But it can. Who knows right? I don't think it will be easy, but you will manage. And maybe you will have to be brave / braver to see how far this story goes.

    Kane

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  22. perhaps it truly is wiser to end it nicely so as to keep the love. still painful but with no unnecessary pain or guilt or anger.

    and in the future you'll be sweetly surprised to find yourselves back in each others arms. where you both belong.

    in the meantime, this might help " my hope shall guide me through the days without you... and my love shall carry me when the pain ends all hope"

    i wish both of you a happier ending... =)

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  23. @Key: I hope that happens. Salamat sa GV. And yes, I'll mourn for a little while lang. I have a lot of blessings to be grateful for.

    @LOF: I thought the act of calling would give me my reboot. haha This is what I get for thinking I could cheat the system.

    @Rei: Thank you. They were the first lines I had in mind. I was a little worried it would be a little too melodramatic.

    @Kane: And I suppose placing the blame on someone/something is pointless. I'm praying that I can chalk up my indecision to my youth but then again, that excuse gets old real esaily (no pun intended)

    I need to be brave. Scratch that. We both need to be brave.

    @Anonymous: Love and hope. That's wonderful advice. Thank you, sir (or is it ma'am). I really appreciate it.

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  24. I think we all re-write the endings in our minds for different periods in our lives. I've done it a million times, but am always left with a rumbling in my stomach: With each "new" ending, how could I live without my experiences before that edit?

    Fantasy is such for a reason. Real life is gripping, and give us the luxury of fantasy.

    Rick

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  25. *hugs*

    I could say more, Nyl, but being the word-weaver that you are, I'm sure you might have as well written them yourself. I just hope this electronic hug communicates all the right things. :)

    Live, Nyl.

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  26. @Rick: True, these should make me strong if I should fall flat on my face. But that doesn't make the leap comforting either.

    Fantasy. I think I'd like to try it just this once.

    @Spiral: Salamat sa digital hugs. Na-feel ko siya talaga. ;p

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  27. But what happens to memories written in pentelpens; ballpoints, and crayola?

    This is one of the saddest stories I have read.

    This is a gift.

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  28. well it was melodramatic. hehe. everybody becomes melodramatic especially when they're in your situation. nonetheless, smile mr. citybuoy. life is unfair but you'll get by with anything if you just smile. :)

    -and yes, that's from an E-head song.

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  29. there goes something that i don't understand...

    why fixate on endings now that it is only just beginning?

    but no matter what, you know V and I will always be here for the both of you... :))

    @LOF... the tubero said it's for free. lol.

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  30. Gaddemsyettt.

    Una si Kane. Tapos si Arwind. Tapos ikaw naman ngayon, Nyl? Pambihirang buhay naman to, oo, ba't lahat kayo basted?

    Wahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!
    Natatawa ako sa sarili ko. Ayokong magpawis ng kung anu-anong pudpod na cliche ha, kaya heto na lang ang akin:

    Ansarap i-inom ng mga ganyang problema.

    Ay promise. Magiging okay ka niyan in one month. Maniwala ka sa akin. Kung hindi eh ako na sasagot ng lubid at ng monoblock na upuan.

    Wahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!

    Mga bakla kayo!

    Muahness from Pasig Cirehhhh!

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  31. I just want to say that hope and faith will help you to perservere through this difficult time. I have moved from the Philippines to the US, missed my friends and suffered through a divorce. And I have a very happy, fulfilled life now. Can you imagine that you will find something even better? You will. I know it.

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  32. @Prince Golez: Hello! Welcome to my blog. I guess there are some things we can't erase. And like in school, we had to make sure we learned to write in pencils first. Bad trip lang kasi I think I missed that lesson.

    @Rei: One of the few that I like. Wasn't really my thing. Thanks Rei. Kahit we're miles apart and we only talk through blogs, I feel like you understand things like a good friend.

    @YJ: Thank you, friend. Alam mo naman ako. You called it nga diba? If anything were to happen, it would be because I'm a little crazy. It's partly wrong pero in the end, reaction ko parin ang nagpupumilit magtapos.

    @Momel: Baka uso. haha At any rate, tama naman sila sa pagsabing sorrow is equally a part of human existence as much as happiness at dapat hindi ipagkaila.

    At we always talk about drinking but it never seems to happen. Let's set something soon. Parating nacacancel eh.

    (Okay, this is so not me) Muahness back from Makati Cirehhhh!

    @Olivia: Another new face! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It's interesting to see a success story from the side that I'm so afraid to explore. I hope we emerge from this in one piece. I can't really write my future. All I am left with these days is a wish that things would turn out well.

    Welcome to my blog, ma'am. I don't get a lot of female visitors so you made my day. :)

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  33. aaaaaw. that's so sweet Nyl :) thank's a lot. does this mean we have similar taste in music? haha.

    anyways, i do hope you feel better though. it's not healthy to think unhappy thoughts.

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  34. @Rei: But of course, sir. I've been guilty of indulging these thoughts too much. Sa blog lang naman. ;p

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  35. That moment when I'm about to sleep and I check my blogger feed, and your post makes me shed a tear.

    You're in one of those situations which some people put off in the category of "sometime in the future". It's just tough when the future gets here too soon.

    You'll work it out. (Not necessarily in a painless way, but you will.)

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  36. it's a good thing you have an outlet. :)

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  37. Aww... How sad. It's like the season of broken hearts. Do you entertain the thought of someday picking up from where you left off or do you completely move on and not consider his presence in the future?

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  38. @citybuoy: Thank you. I'm glad to bring a little sunshine your way! And I'll keep visiting. Just remember, A night, no matter how dark and long, will always end with the beginning of a new day.

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  39. @RZ: I think no one is ever prepared for shit like this. My instinct tells me to just wing it and to make it in one piece. Let's see how it goes.

    @Rei: Ikaw din kaya. lol

    @James: Baka uso, parang accessory. lol

    I brought it up. It was just really weird to talk about what happens in between. Since it's not impossible for him to be back in a few years' time, I figured it could be a viable option. Nakakaloka lang kasi we're very logical when it comes to these discussions. Natatakot tuloy akong ma-wholesale ang loneliness when he leaves.

    @Olivia: That's great. And that line, that's from your book, right? Coolness! I read the description on Amazon. It looks pretty interesting. Are you planning a local distribution.

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  40. wonder why haven't i commented to this post of your yet. all things that ends hurts us what more if these are the things we love the most and learned to live with.

    it's a process nyl, to move forward. take this as a chapter that ended beautifully. and it ended with respect and love. there are more great things to come diba? :)

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  41. @Ced: Well tehcnically, it hasn't ended but I like how positive your approach is. Should come in handy when the waterworks start. ;p

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  42. haaaay iyak ako nang iyak kagabi dahel sa post na ito. haaaaaaay. haaaaay. *YAKAP*

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  43. @Debbie: sorry naman. bakit ka naman kasi nagpadala? lol

    when am I meeting u? it's been too long and I miss u terribly. :(

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