Monday, April 4, 2011

to be enough

Switchfoot  
Let That Be Enough  
New Way To Be Human  

I had a dream last night. I was in a lot of white space. The whiteness was blinding and in the middle of it all, I was falling in sweet slow motion. You could see the fear in my face. My eyes were wide in panic, my arms flailing for something to hold on to. But then I realized what was happening. I realized I was free. There was nothing keeping me, no one watching me and it felt really nice.

I started to laugh. It was quiet at first but then it grew in volume until I filled the entire white space in shameless, high-pitched laughter. I was still falling. I still didn’t know what was below me. I just didn’t care. For once, I was alone and it felt so good.

Nothing like falling to make you feel so free. But was I really falling or did I somehow learn to float? Was I even floating or did I learn to fly?

---

I have this friend who lived with a man for three years. Together, they found a unique happiness most of us call love. They talked about families, of houses, of lives being spent together. They were so in love with each other until one day, it all stopped.

He found someone else. She was in pieces for a long time. It was hard to talk to her without her breaking into tears every now and then. One day, she wiped her tears and told me it didn’t hurt anymore. She says it felt like her heart was broken into too many pieces and there was nothing, just a ringing sound like a bomb had just exploded. She couldn’t hear anything. She couldn’t feel anything. She was numb.

She had every right in the world to feel that way, that much I understood. When someone is happy for so long and then suddenly, the thing that makes them happy is taken away from them, the body finds ways to protect itself. Perhaps it goes into a little cocoon, hence the numbness.

I knew exactly what she meant even though we were on opposite sides of the pole. For years, I’ve cultivated my sadness. For years, I’ve written about every failure, every bruise and every tear. Late last year, it seemed like the universe suddenly shifted. I got promoted*, I fell in love*, this blog won an award*. It seemed like everything was supposedly falling into place. In the chaos of it all, I dared to call myself happy. But when all the pieces settled and the dust was shaken off, I realized I wasn’t. I wasn’t sad anymore but I wasn’t happy either. I was numb.

I was always just waiting for that day that everything would be reclaimed. I was waiting for a fuck-up at work big enough to get me fired. I was waiting for A to leave. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m still waiting, I suppose, even though my verb tenses seem to say otherwise. One day, the feeling became too big and too heavy to handle by myself. I decided to talk to an old friend.

I talked to my mirror. He always understood when my own mind can’t process things. I told him about my ambivalence, the constant ringing sound in my ear, the dream I had, my friend who became numb. And after everything he said, it seems I finally understood.

For years, you’ve wanted nothing but for people to love you. You worked hard for your boss to love you enough to promote you. You’ve played the good son so your family can stop treating you like a stranger. You waited patiently for the one who you imagined would love you. But you never really understood what all that meant.

Could it be I was stuck in a movie? Did I think I would get a Hollywood ending?

You wanted everyone to love you. Maybe on some level, you hoped that when they finally do, you’d finally start to love yourself. Surprise, surprise. Everyone loves you now. Why can’t you do the same? Why do you cry when no one is watching? Why do you dream of white space? Why do you secretly wish to disappear?

Maybe I don’t think I deserve any of it. Maybe it’s just not possible to get it all. Or maybe, just maybe, some people do not know how to be happy. Maybe I’m one of them.

For years, you thought you needed to be enough for all the people in your life. Now that you are, perhaps it’s time to be enough for yourself.

Last night, I confided in A’s arms. I tried to tell him everything. I told him about my unhappiness. I told him how it wasn’t his fault and that there are just some ghosts who are a part of me and cannot be expelled. I told him how I felt defeated even though when I was younger, I wanted nothing but to be where I am now. I told him about how I didn’t feel I deserved to be his. I told him about my thoughts of flight and how my mind and my heart are in constant battle. I told him how I was afraid I was clinically depressed and how when I finally became honest to myself, I only realized that nothing can make me happy; not when I’m not happy with who I am.

He listened patiently, without judgment or prejudice. I knew it hurt him too but he did his best to understand his crazy boyfriend. When he fell asleep, I put my hand on his chest. I wanted to count the beats and to know how many of them were for me. As he lay there sleeping, I whispered a simple wish.

Let me know that you hear me.
Let me know your touch.
Let me know that you love me.
Let that be enough.


B4N. As I look at my archives, I realize I haven’t written anything real in a long time. It feels like I’ve lost my purpose, my reason for logging into Blogger week after week. I started this blog because I wanted a means to express myself. Why then does it feel like I’ve stifled my own voice?

My life’s a little fucked up right now. There are things I need to discover, feelings and ghosts I need to deal with and so I’m taking a little break from blogging. It’s a decision I made with a heavy heart but one I know I need if I hope to return to some semblance of normalcy. I’ll be back faster than you can say not-another-blog-hiatus or didn’t-he-do-this-last-year? Hopefully, by that time, I’ll have found the real reason for my unhappiness. To friends, followers, lurkers old and new, wish me luck as I venture into a new quest of self-discovery.

62 comments:

  1. Bon voyage, Nyl. May the quest bear happy and profound fruits. :)

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  2. @Spiral: Thanks man! :) First ka ulit tonight ha. hehe

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  3. Ganyan talaga pag nocturnal, ahihihi. I do look forward to seeing you return, but relax, no pressure from me! :)

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  4. come back. i likee your blog!!! :)

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  5. I'm not gonna say bye sir, only see you again. and you're not pathologically depressed trust me, I would now (clinical psyche major talking here). I hope that wherever it is, you'll find yourself where you wanted to be in the end. Will be praying for you! -dindin

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  6. pahinga ka ng mabuti idol... ;)

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  7. See you soon, Nyl.

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  8. @Spiral: Thanks. That makes me feel better. :)

    @That Girl: Yes, as soon as possible. :)

    @LOF: You gave me my first hoo-hah moment of the day. You're so right. I think there are times when I lose track of where this version of me ends and the real one begins. At any rate, I'm dying to cut things away from my life and it seems this blog was the easiest. I tried shaving my head but that got old real easily. :/

    @Dindin: You're too sweet. Thanks for the prayers and stuff.

    @Nimmy: Salamat! At dadalaw din ako sa mga blogs niyo paminsan-minsan. :)

    @Kris: Thanks! See you around! :)

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  9. If taking a break on blogging will be your form of solitude for self discovery, then so be it. But surely, many will miss you.

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  10. woooooooooooooooo totodo niyo lang ang kanch eh!

    WS na... or let's visit Madam V in Laoag Citeeeeeeeeeeeh.... ngayon din!

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  11. "It feels like I’ve lost my purpose, my reason for logging into Blogger week after week."
    .
    .
    I had the same thinking. But I'm no taking break. I'm going back to that same phase, purpose I suppose, almost a year ago when I started typing words in this online space.
    .
    .
    Go wherever the wind blows. You will be missed. ;D

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  12. wow. bon voyage din, nyl.

    and i totally get what you mean. maybe it's the season? pero in any case, i wish you find whatever it is that you are looking for, whether you know what it is or not. :)

    all the best, kaibigan!

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  13. Don't overthink, my good friend. Maybe this is just boredom. Plain and simple.

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  14. "Let me know that you love me.
    Let that be enough"

    So after all this time... you still don't know. You do, I think on one level, but where it matters most, perhaps not. Maybe it is because it's too beautiful to be real.

    Hay Nyl, do you think happiness is something we allow ourselves to experience? That there is an element of choice in it? "I will let myself be happy..." as opposed to "I am happy"

    Anyway, I have said enough. Be brave, that's all you need =) Be back and when you do find that thing youre looking for, I think it will also show in your stories.

    Here's wishing you the best.
    Kane

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  15. It is difficult to want to be loved (or even liked) by everyone, to live up to other's expectations. I feel it's above all a huge burden. I used to be like that as well. I still catch myself being like that sometimes. Now I try not to care as much that I might offend or disappoint others, if in turn it helps me to have more self-esteem and love myself more. I find that the most difficult part is to get rid of a twisted kind of bad conscience. But then again, what's better: to have a bad conscience for a little moment or be angry at oneself for much longer, right?

    Good luck in your search for yourself and in your quest to love yourself more. I think you're already on the right track. Keep up the good fight! :)

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  16. Goodluck Nyl! And I don't think readers would begrudge of you of some time off whenever you need it. :)

    A personal blog is such intimate thing. Writing in one is something you owe to yourself, before anyone else. :)

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  17. awwww! waaaah i should have met up with you that night pero lasing na kasi ako nun. waaah.
    well nyl, ang masasabi ko lang is you deserve everything you've wanted to have that you do have. you may say na you don't pero one thing's for sure: YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
    support kita. go find yourself. i did that when i resigned. and to me finding who i was and who i am and who i wanna be was a good thing to do.
    i miss you na!

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  18. @Xall: Will they? That's a comfort. Thanks Xall!

    @Mark: I'm sorry. :c

    @YJ: Kahit kelan talaga, manyak ka. haha Yes, we shall visit Madam V!

    @Desole: I think we all need a redirection every now and then. I hope we can both return to who we were.

    @Claudio: Perhaps our brains want a summer vaycay too. lol Salamat, kaibigan!

    @Kaloy: Salamat!

    @Victor: Maybe. I'm not used to it. Alam mo naman kung gaano kaigsi attention span ko. haha

    @Kane: Perhaps it's a decision, not a feeling. But even if I decide all day, parang it doesn't want to stick eh. haha But like they said in Next to Normal, maybe you don't have to be happy to be happy that you're alive and I'm very, very happy to be alive.

    @Beliza: Spot on! I think I'd rather suffer my conscience. All this pleasing everyone and stuff is taking its toll on me. Thank you for your well wishes. I really appreciate it. :)

    @RZ: And (again for the nth time this year haha) I've lost sight that this is a personal blog. Thank you, RZ. :)

    @Carlo: I needed that time din eh. I needed the peace to understand what I was feeling. Salamat for understanding and let's hang out soon. I miss you more!

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  19. make it as fast as you ought to be there when i'm back. you take care.

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  20. sana mapagtagumpayan mo kung ano man ang iyong pinagdadaanan. ingat. *hugs* :)

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  21. @Alter: Yes, I will. Hey! I've missed reading you na! Can't access your blog. Thought you were a goner na. Buti bumalik ka. hehe

    @Aris: Maraming salamat, kaibigan!

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  22. hala nag post po ba yunh comment ko?

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  23. ai alam ko na kung bakit hindi na post yung comment ko! hehe may captcha pla hehe... yun nga ulitin ko na lang po yung comment ko.. siguro tulad ng title mo po to be enough? dapat siguro makuntento na lang tayo sa mga bagay na ng yayari.. at kung hindi tau maramdaman ng isang taon.. balang araw mararamdman din nila tayo

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  24. You will be missed, deeply.

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  25. come back soon nyl. good luck.

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  26. @Halojin: Hello! Welcome to my blog! Yeah, I had a few problems with spammers in the past so I had to activate the spam thing. Thanks for the concern and for dropping by.

    @Manech: Thank you, sir. :)

    @Sean: Will do! As soon as I can, I'll start writing again.

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  27. What the hell. Kung kelan ako bumalik para mag-backread ng posts mo saka ka magbe-vacation sa Bora?! Hahaha. :))

    Well, if that's what makes you happy. Maybe I should go and do what you're about to do din; after all, I do need a break from all the negativity in my life. Wewew. Before I forget, great read. :*

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  28. @Xtian: *hugs back*

    @Rei: Bora talaga? Dito lang ako no. Yes, we need these little breaks every now and then. I wish you luck! :)

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  29. please don't say you're sorry. i never meant to ask you that. you don't owe me or anyone else an apology/explanation. true, i'm saddened by your leave. but that is just me. knowing that you'll be back, that, that is enough.

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  30. Citybuoy is so in love with A!!! hehehe i'm glad I'm part of a group who bears witness sa pag-iibigang ito... hehehe...

    We all need a break sometimes. Go get yours... There are phases in our lives that even Aleck Bovick can't lighten up. So I recommend a stronger cure:

    Go to malibog.tv and search for Edmilyn.

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  31. So you're officially filing your leave in the blogging world? hehe

    See you soon. :D

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  32. @Mark: You're so sweet. :) Thanks for understanding.

    @Glentot: Witness ka diyan eh ilang dekada ka nang M.I.A. haha and you're wrong. Aleck Bovick can fix anything. Takot mo lang no. haha

    @E. Wong: Yes, I am! Thanks, sir. See you around din.

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  33. nyl~!!!
    actually, i do not know what to say. it seems that you are soul-searching right now. i want to help but i can't. i don't know how.

    i pray that you be happy happy. you know? HAPPY with the big smile on your face and heart.

    COME BACK. I love your blog and i love you~!!!
    have a safe trip. :D


    -key-

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  34. "Or maybe, just maybe, some people do not know how to be happy."

    Maybe we don't know what to do with happiness? Do we even know what it is in the first place?

    Good gawd.

    I love this post btw.

    Have a fruitful hiatus.

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  35. Goodluck on your journey.
    I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

    Until then I shall await your return :)

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  36. @Key: That's so sweet. I wish you the same. Yes, I will be back soon with plenty of emo-ness to spare. haha

    @James: Thanks James. Perhaps we're so used to our unhappiness that we forget what it's like to be without it.

    @Excile: Thank you, Excile. I will be back soon. :)

    @Eternal Wanderer: Ternie!! I've missed you! Isa-isa na tayong nawawala. :( Yes, babalik ako agad. Promise.

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  37. I'll miss your writing. Good luck on finding yourself and finding happiness. >:D<

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  38. i will miss you citybuoy. good luck on your new ventures :) I wish you happiness.

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  39. You'll be missed. Come back soon and good luck with everything. :)

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  40. @Ela: Thanks! I hope we all find it!

    @Rei: Being the creature of habit that I am, there probably won't be that many new ventures haha but thanks Rei. I appreciate it. :)

    @Kiko: Thanks Kiko!

    @Andy: Will do, sir. :)

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  41. Hoping you'll be okay soon.

    Larga lang! :p

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  42. It is your blog. You can do everything you want. Your world, your measures. God bless you.

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  43. Don't worry about your readers. All bloggers go through that anyway. Hope all goes well with you.

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  44. It's my first comment here. Finally.

    You know, I also love confronting myself in the mirror. Makes me realize that I usually overthink and over-analyze things, due to boredom.

    Chirup, Nyl. See you around.

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  45. Kamusta, kamusta? I hope you had fun during the long vacation break. Keep safe. :)

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  46. My last hiatus from blogging took me almost a year. I just wish that yours won't.

    Good luck.

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  47. @Ronnie: Thanks, sir! I will be. I just need to rethink yet again kung bakit nga ba ako nagbblog.

    @Midnight Orgasm: Hi! Welcome to my blog. Thanks for dropping by. :)

    @Myk: Welcome din po. Yes, I think we all go through it at least once. Unfortunately, I have mine at least once a year. haha Thanks for the well wishes.

    @Bok: Boredom can do that to you. Thanks Bok and welcome to my blog! :)

    @Andy: I did! I got really fat. Keep safe too!

    @Cosmic Glitch: Another new face! Welcome to my blog! And a whole year? Wow, parang I don't think I can do that. haha

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  48. i really love reading your blog... together with the other blogger on the "list", you serve as an inspiration to me...

    by the way im just new to blogging.. could I post my link here?

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  49. hiatus is better..than quitting...

    hehhe..

    hiatus din ako for a year...finding one's self..na-trap sa baol ni lola...waehehehehe

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  50. @Ar: Welcome to my blog! And welcome to blogging (in general)

    Yeah, go ahead and post your links. Sorry I haven't been updating links and stuff. Work's been crazy.

    I'm curious. What's the "list"? The quotation marks look curious.

    @MJ: ganun talaga. Minsan, you have to step out to see the bigger picture hehe

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  51. gumising ka na. nami-miss na kita. : (

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  52. Good Luck sa Escapades!

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  53. @Alter: Sorry it took me so long to reply. That's so sweet of you. Yes, I'll be back sooner than you can say "hiatus" hehe

    @Tim: Salamat, sir!

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  54. reading it, i thought it was my writing. maybe i am too. but i am going to do something... something that i wanna do and wanna keep me loviong myself... thanks for this story... i felt it... Good speed...

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  55. sometimes you just need to act dumb to enjoy life. the more you over analyze things the more complicated they get. be content with what you have. enjoy the sunlight. feel the wind. smell the roses. some people are dying to be in your shoes.

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  56. @JJRod'z: You're very welcome. I'm glad I was able to help out in a way. BTW, welcome to my blog!

    @Anon: Wow, my first anonymous comment in a while! Yes, the roses need to be smelled. haha and I am a little dumb at times. It took me a little over two months to figure out what was happening but it's all good now.

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