Monday, July 19, 2010


For weeks, we’ve been trying to track him down. A sage told me that all my unhappiness, my failures in relationships, my dismal career, all of these things could be attributed to one man. I told my people to look for him and for weeks, they searched every corner in the city, looked under every rock in the country. I was about to give up when I received a call from my assistant that they finally located the bastard. He was being held at the safe house in Manila.

They led me through the poorly lit room where a man was sitting on a chair. Looking back, I’m not sure if they cuffed him or not. No matter the case, he wasn’t going anywhere. He was facing the wall. The sage told me that if I should ever find him, I must never look at his face. I sat down, took out my tape recorder and began my interview.

“How did you do it?” I asked. Outside, it sounded like it was starting to rain.

“Do what?”

“Take my happiness. Sabotage my relationships. How did you do it?”

“It’s not that hard. You made it pretty easy for me.” The guard by the door stepped forward, like a hound ready to attack. I cleared my throat twice as he stepped back into the darkness.

“I would appreciate it if we figured this out as soon as possible. I don’t know about you but I’m a very busy man and personal attacks only take us farther away from the truth we seek tonight. If you don’t mind, I’d like to get back to business.”

“Alright. Be my guest.”

“All these years, I’ve tried hard to be happy only for you to take it away from me. Why did you do it?”

“You’re not asking the right questions,” he said. “Why I chose you is not important.”

“What’s in it for you? What could you possibly have to gain from my suffering?”

“Everything. Nothing. Does it matter?”

“Is someone paying you to do this? I can match their offer. Money is no object.”

“Money never is.”

“If it’s not money, then tell me. Why have you been doing this to me?”

“Because I can.”

“That’s not reason enough.”

“It is for me,” he replied. His voice was warm but strained. “What do you want to hear? Do you want me to say it made me happy? Do you want me to say that I enjoyed your suffering?”

“Did you?”

“Of course not.”

“Then why? What could you possible have to gain?” I could no longer hide the frustration in my voice. Outside, the water made little drum beats on the roof. The air smelled of rain and wet concrete.

“Looks like the weather finally gave in,” he said. There was no fear in his voice, only a faint sense of familiarity. “You’ve been trapped in your own little world for too long. You’ve forgotten that people mostly do things for themselves and not for other people.”

“So you’re saying that you did all of these things because you wanted to. That it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with you.”

“Exactly,” he replied. In his voice, you could hear a wicked little smile.

“Fuck you,” I said, a little too forcefully for comfort. The guards all shuddered at my voice. “Why did you do it? What did I ever do to you?”

“Because you didn’t love me!” he shouted. “Because you wasted so much time on these fuckers who wouldn’t know love if it hit them in the eye! Because all this time, I was waiting for you to love me and you didn’t even know I was there.”

“Love you? Love you?! I don’t even know you!”

“Exactly,” he said as he swiveled his chair to face me. My first instinct was to look away, the sage’s warning ringing clear in my mind. I forgot that behind me was a mirror. There, in plain sight was the man who made a living of tormenting my waking life. I saw the man who sank all my relationships, who took away all the people I have ever loved simply because I didn’t love him.

It was me.

Photo Credit: interrogationroom6

Paula Cole
This Fire


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Being mature is what everyone would like to be. Anyways, Napaisip ako sa post mo na ito' hehe

  3. Thanks for reading, Ahmer! I guess I just wanted to show how we often sabotage our own selves in the name of protection. Plus it didn't really help that I saw Inception that night kaya medyo weird yung dream ko.

  4. "We have met the enemy and he is us." - Walt Kelly, POGO

  5. Hey Rudie! I think that for the most part, he's within us. I don't think I consciously sabotage myself. haha Or do I?

    It's kinda like what Alanis said in Eight Easy Steps. We sabotage our fears because we're afraid to be successful. I've made a habit out of writing emo posts. What will I write if I find myself happy? lol

  6. this is my all time favorite song nyl. nice to have caught you again last saburdey :P

  7. You too, Darc! Sayang lang kasi we didn't get to spend a lot of time together.

    Actually, last minute ko na pinili yung song na 'to. I was supposed to use this Tori Amos song called Winter but I realized mas spot on yung song. hehe

  8. this is perhaps one of your most profound blogs (to me)... a direct encounter with the shadow. and in his mercurial spirit, he just wants to be loved and expresses it thus! just lovely

  9. Thanks Lance! That's super duper nice. haha

    Blame it on Inception. I swear that movie totally fucked my brain. It's an edited version of this dream I had. The original one was a lot more campy with bloodhounds, magic mirrors and faithful minions. lol

  10. Alam mo ang bagay na song dito?

    "Girl In My Mirror" by Britney Spears.

    Go Youtube... ahihihi

  11. Hoy Glentot! Kailangan Britney Spears? Nakakaloka naman. Ang tagal ko pa naman pinagpilian yang Paula Cole na yan para hindi naman nakakasuka. haha

  12. Free will is a curse and a gift. It renders us helpless by our own weak convictions.

  13. I wish I could be strong enough to be a master of my own free will, Red. Maybe someday. :)

  14. narcissus drowned not to the lake but to his own reflection.


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  16. This post reminded me of what I had written sometime last year on my blog.

    We need to love ourselves first before we can love someone, or else it is destined to fail.

    Napapaisip talaga ako sa mga posts mo. Well written. ;-)

  17. sabi nga ni rickylee ay may quota daw ng pag-ibig.

    isa dun ay iyong mayroong pinalad na makita ang taong mamahalin nya habambuhay pero sa di malamang kadahilanan ay iniwan nung isa yung isa. at ngayon itong isa ay mabubuhay sa buhay na walang hanggang paghahanap ng nawawalang pag-ibig. tapos marerealized na ang pag-ibig ay laging paghahanap pala. pero sa totoo lang ay hindi na nya mahahanap yung lost love niya kasi ay may kulang pala siya sa sarili - hindi pa nya mahanap ang sarili.

    ewan ko kung may relation ito sa post mo pero i think isa ka sa mga hindi umabot sa quota.. tulad ko.

  18. very nice. galing ah!
    it's a step i guess, we ascertained that something is troubling us.
    sabi nga nila, "If we aren't good at loving ourselves, we will have a difficult time loving anyone, since we'll resent the time and energy we give another person that we aren't even giving to ourselves"

    salamat sa pagdaan! and i like the brain farts! lol

  19. Wow! Very nicely written.

    The words were simple but very descriptive of the feelings being portrayed.

  20. @Alterjon: And I must admit I can be a little vain sometimes. lol

    @Andy: Thanks for dropping by! It's a recurring theme talaga kasi I always forget to do it. We all need more love. :D

    @Cio: Spot on! I think until the search for me ends, pause muna ako.

    @Ced: Salamat din sa pag-daan. I found your blog tres entertaining din. I was backreading last night.

    I think in many ways, we can become jealous of our own selves. If we sense we're not getting the proper attention, war mode na! haha

    @Iurico: Hi! Welcome to my blog.

    Thanks for reading at for the kind words. :D

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  22. i love the other version better... the real one... the one that screams GAY!

    and didn't viktor and i recommend a song for this? what happened?

    nyahahahahaha nangingialam nanaman....

    while you're dreaming of dreams so profound like this, i'm dreaming of fucking watermelons.... what's up with the universe? it would have been nice if i dreamt of cocks the size of watermelon.... sigh

  23. *applause

    if no one is there to give you a hug, wrap your hands around yourself. =)

  24. @YJ: Sabi ko nga, mababawasan ako ng followers kapag mag m2m na soundtrack ako. haha

    Why don't you write about that watermelon dream? I'm sure a lot of people would find it interesting!

    @Paci: Salamat! Isang malaking self-hug for us both! >:D<

  25. Sadyang mhirap na kalaban ang sarili...

  26. Hi Jag! Welcome to my blog! Yeah, kasi di mo alam kung san ka magsisimula. haha

  27. wow! another good one from nyl! =D

    sabi nga ni toni gonzaga to sam milby in one of their movies na you never say to someone that "you complete me". you have to be complete first by and with yourself before you can ever love someone else.

    ewan ko lang kung connect to sa entry mo lol

  28. wow. such short but powerful piece of work. --kept me thinking about the scene in batman begins when they try to interview the joker-----his wickedness and cleverness showed and you realize that there's a pinch of salt in what he said.

    ""people mostly do things for themselves and not for other people.”
    ---true. we sometimes think it's wrong. it's selfish. but that's how it should be. we should give priority to the self above anything else. As aI always say, I am an advocate of the importance of an individual in human relationships. We enter relationships to be happy but we can never attain that until we are are happy with ourselves....

  29. @Lee: Sakto siya! At kahit gaano kabaduy, may awit din si Jessica Simpson na bagay sa comment mo. Yung I Belong To Me.

    Andami kasing taong nagkakamali na they jump blindly into relationships because they're lonely. I should know. I made that mistake way too many times. lol

    @Antonio: Well, it was inspired by a Nolan film. Or rather I had the dream after a Nolan film so ang hambog man pakinggan, it makes sense. (Yuck ang hambog nga pakinggan haha)

    At Enter ulit ang I Belong To Me! Sabi ni ate Jessica, she is one, not half of two. Medyo nadense ako nung una, I didn't get it. Kasi nga half of two is one. Pero nung naranasan ko na for myself ang pagkaka-relationship na mahina ka or masyado kang malakas, ibang-iba pala talaga ang oone sa half of two.

    Cheesy song reference pero pakinggan niyo. lol

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  31. Hey Yohan, bat nawala comment mo? Thanks for dropping by!

  32. there's a classic saying that we should always love ourselves before we can truly love anyone else. because true love to another person is a reflection of how we love our very self.

    splendidly written.

  33. Well that makes sense, Yas. Thanks for dropping by! :D

  34. binasa ko ulet tong post mo hehe
    ... dis is wan of may peyborit napost mo ... hihi

  35. Love the paula cole song. paulit-ulit. haunting, reminiscent, eclavarvah...

  36. Hi Carrie! Welcome to my blog! Yeah, super love this song. Actually, the whole album is super kick-ass!

  37. I don't know why, but I'm suddenly reminded to get my shit together. Damn, I need a new job, new clothes, new friends. Man, I need a fresh start.

  38. mahusay ka talaga. magandang paalala sa sarili na panahon na upang pilitin ang sarili na magsimula muli

  39. @Andy B: Maybe that's how you show love for yourself. haha I think a fresh start would be perfect for me too right about now. I suddenly have an urge to go shopping.

    @Erick: Salamat sa pagdaan!

  40. great post, as always. while i was reading the last paragraph, na-picture kitang nakatingin sa mirror na 'yun. but when i got to the last line, i saw myself staring straight at that mirror.

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  42. Thanks for dropping by, Mikee! Perhaps your subconscious is telling you you need love too. :D

  43. ..Or maybe i gave too much. Wala nang natira para sa 'kin. *emo much* IMY, Nyl!

  44. IMY2! AT stay away from the emo light! DON'T!! DON'T!!!