Tuesday, April 4, 2017

on the children we didn't have



Today I mourn for the children we didn’t have, the weight of their unlived lives weighing heavy on my chest. I see their toys, their clothes a mess by the door, their hopes scribbled in journals hidden under the bed. I marvel at their fully formed lives that I could see clearly in my head and it’s a struggle to let them go. I wanted to tell them about you. I wanted them to see where you end and they begin. I wanted to pull them into the fabric that was our love. I wanted to tell them how you were the kindest man I have ever met, how you changed how I believed love could be. I’d always thought men were temporary, always fleeting, always running towards the next best thing. Yet year after year, you stayed. For five years, you made me believe in happy ever afters, in hands-clasped-silver-in-our-hair-seeing-through-the-years-together ever afters. When nobody else stayed, you never left. Until one day, you did.

Today I mourn for the children we couldn’t have. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I didn’t know what being a good father meant. Maybe we just carry our issues until we become the issues ourselves. Maybe I threw my ego around like you meant nothing to me. You looked at me one day and realized you’d finally snapped out of it – that this life we were gonna have, this love we were gonna share, this home that we built with our own hands – you wanted none of it. One day, you packed your clothes, your records, your half of my dreams. You didn’t even say goodbye. I got home that day wondering where you were. I sat by the window and waited. I thought for sure you were coming back. I could almost see it in my mind’s eye. You open the door. You drop your suitcase and your pride. You tell me you’ve changed your mind. Like you did before. Like the million other times we said goodbye. I leap into your open arms and all is right again. That last time was different though. You never did come back. I sat by the window for a full week, sifting through every shadow, yearning to see yours. Some days, I still sit by the window.

Today I mourn for the children we will never have. One final look before I say goodbye completely. I run to the closet, pack their things in tiny suitcases, and pack a sandwich for the road. I tell them to take good care of themselves and how I would’ve loved to meet them, how I would’ve wanted to become the kind of father I never had. But things change, people change, and you could hold on to someone but that doesn’t guarantee they’re going to stay. As often as lovers grow into each other, so many grow apart. I tell them that’s what happened to us and the fault was all mine and not theirs. I kiss them one last time. I say goodbye to their tear-stained cheeks and watch their shadows fade slowly into the horizon as they walk away.

♫: Birdy | Wings (2014)

18 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Silly Girl, D: Look at you being observant and shit. haha these days, is anything ever purely fiction. This post taught me you can't really truly write about anyone until you've fully distanced yourself from them. So yeah, semi-fiction.

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  2. This I like ;) keep them coning! ;)

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    1. Simon: I think I generally gravitate towards posts like this too. haha though the last one had more truth (both were tagged semi-fiction), it's this one that typically follows the old formula. :p

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    2. Looking forward for more then :)

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    3. Simon: I'll send out a notice dun sa Facebook page. I'm praying for more time to finish it. haha

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  3. Hindi ako naiyak.. muntik lang....

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  4. may gusto akong i-comment. i cant find the right words.

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    1. Ahmer: Maybe you need words... with friends? Charot!

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    2. haha medyo pahinga ako dyan sa game =D.
      Im glad na may nababasa akong bago dito. you know life is tuff...sometimes.

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    3. Ahmer: It's tuff? Is this a clue? lolz

      Ako din. I stopped playing na. Masyadong madaming ganap sa world. Dito nalang tayo sa Blogspot magusap. :p

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    4. di ko nagets agad. lol. well, What's done is done.
      and yeah things change, people change, feelings change too.

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    5. Ahmer: Sakto kasi! haha and we're both no strangers to how quickly things can change.

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  5. But things change, people change, and you could hold on to someone but that doesn’t guarantee they’re going to stay.

    Yes, yes and yes.

    I sat by the window for a full week, sifting through every shadow, yearning to see yours. Some days, I still sit by the window.

    ...or refresh and refresh Gmail, and Messenger. Despite the fact that you're no longer friends on FB, and that he'd probably deleted you on his contact list for Viber, you wait and wait around for a note.

    An emoticon. A meme. Something. But alas! nothing.

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    Replies
    1. YRAG: OMG OMG OMG this was so me late 2016. Nakakalokaaaa!

      A friend would always toast to "mga makabuluhang paghihintay." I should've known that not all things you wait for are worth it. :p

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  6. *naaliw sa iyo just now*

    Amen. Still. I have this one small glimmer of hope. Sana naman. Last na naman ito, pangako.

    If this does not pull through, am pulling the plug na.

    Sorry, TMI.

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    1. YRAG: Go lang yan ng go. It may have taken me some time but I've realized na all the crazy things I did for love were worth it naman. Kahit I didn't get the result I was looking for. Kasi cheesy at gasgas man, those moments made me stronger in the end. Plus it really helped with my writing.

      Pull the plug. Leave it there. Either way, you walk away with awesome life experiences you can't just read about. :)

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