Wednesday, July 27, 2016

on how it ended



He says he wonders what you look like in the morning and you chuckle. His words, though sent through a digital screen, course little cackles of electricity from your fingers, to the backs of your ears, and down your spine. You say you look horrible – dried up spit, messy hair, morning wood, 5 o’clock shadow.

You ask if that turns him off. How could I? It's all I can think of. He yearns for you more.

You think about what it would be like to be intimate with him. Your body tenses as you imagine your hands on his back, his fingers through your hair, your lips on his.

Kundera once said that love is not found in holding hands, in kissing, or even fucking. It is in the desire for shared sleep. Beyond the need to touch and release, you too wonder what it would be like to wake up next to him. You imagine the sunlight dancing across his young skin, his disheveled hair in the early morning, his voice as he wishes you the first good morning of many mornings to come. Beyond his body, it’s these pictures, these future memories you’ve borrowed that send you over the edge.

I awake to find you glowing at your phone. I mumble incoherently, sleep clouding my speech and better judgement. You say it’s nothing, honey. Go back to sleep. That day, I learned the difference between faithful and loyal. Why couldn’t I find a man who could give me both?

♫: Sam Smith | Leave Your Lover (2014)

17 comments:

  1. Hmmm. Sounds like a case of "We could've been wonderful, if only you could leggo of Grindr."

    Kundera once said that love is not found in holding hands, in kissing, or even fucking.

    ...and that metaphors are dangerous. And his proposal that both extreme lightness and heaviness are unbearable and we pine either to be rid of too much weight, or of too much lightness.

    I wonder, therefore, what it is you are wanting to be rid of.

    At any rate, I wish in the end you find what it is you look for, and that sorry excuse of a man find what it is he deserve.

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    1. Guy: Ooh. A new face. :) Welcome to my blog!

      I haven't read a lot of Kundera. I always found him a little too heavy but perhaps now that I'm (ahem) a little more older, I can give it a shot.

      "I wonder, therefore, what it is you are wanting to be rid of."

      These days, I'm not sure myself. Knowing what you want, what you don't want - these are all things I don't seem to have the time for. With blunt force trauma, there's no telling which parts are hurt the most and I guess that's what it's like right now.

      Thank you for your well wishes. May we all get what we deserve.

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  2. Typical lies of a fuck boy "It’s nothing, honey. Go back to sleep."

    Everything will eventually fall to place :) I hope time will be able to fix everything soon

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    1. Simon: And you'd think after everything, I'd be done with these fuck boys. :x

      Yes, time is the great equalizer. If only I could find the FF button. lolz

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  3. I am glad you are back blogging. I hope this becomes regular again. :)

    "shared sleep". How profoundly put. Probably this exact profundity is one reason why it is more difficult to achieve and why we sometimes settle with just sharing the bed. And how, for some people i know, sharing the bed can be equated to another level of companionship.

    I hate waking up to a glowing cellphone.

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    1. Pepe: Glad to see we've not all quit!

      Yes, Kundera if anything has always been profound. That's why I find most of his stuff to be out of reach.

      When I was younger, I once shared a bed with somebody and nothing happened. I remember thinking it was weird but it was also kind of nice. Maybe that was what Kundera was talking about. On hindsight, it was rather refreshing.

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  4. I can see that you're writing again, Nyl, and I shall echo that song your followers are humming if you will help me with the lyrics. Your frequency, girl, could use a little regulating. I've been updating Fridays since January.

    You know how it goes. I'm relieved you're still at it. Your voice, I hear, hasn't aged a day over mellow, and I am far more relieved.

    Muahness from Pasig Cirrehhh!

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    1. Momel: I envy you! I can't seem to find the time. Life got in the way. Yaddah yaddah yaddah You've heard it all before.

      Truth is, I can't seem to write until I get my heart broken. And since it seems this old ticker's gotten smashed in fairly recently, expect me to stick around for a while.

      Thank you for the encouragement! A quick trip to your page shows you, too, have hardly changed. You're still as funny as the first day I first read you. It's nice to see we've not all gone away for good. :)

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  5. Ah, Nyl.....Forget searching for the FF button. We get to never-ending 'endings' much too quickly, and then search frantically for the re-wind button. At the very least 'Pause' ,might suffice.

    But, alas, there are aspects of life for which insatiable is the color of need. Rainbows aren't all they're cracked up to be! ;)

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    1. Rick: There's a song called Pause the Tragic Ending by Rachael Yamagata which I think fits perfectly into your comment.

      And yes, there I was proudly shining red when what he wanted was a rainbow. Certainly, it can't be my fault.

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  6. The faithful and the loyal, and some would say yearning for both is asking for too much.

    Happy birthday dear Citybuoy :) I would gladly treat you to dinner if I could have your time of the day, please? Hahaha ang desperate but am glad to see you writing again, the happy life getting in the way, eh?

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    1. D: Yes please! We keep saying we're gonna get coffee but we never do! Life will always get in the way but we make time, yes?

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  7. Emotions change. People fluctuate. They come, they go. We learn.

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    1. Ahmer: And though it ended, I'm sure we're gonna take these great lessons onto the next conquest. :)

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  8. I know that I'm in love, when I can sleep wrapped in your arms.

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    1. Victor: Tricky. How soundly can you sleep when his arms are around you but his thoughts are elsewhere?

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