Tuesday, February 24, 2015

on how I got over him



And you wonder how it happened. How you jumped heart-first off a skyscraper and into this stranger’s bed. How you trusted his words, the little they meant, the iceberg you imagined he implied. He looks at you and you think that he sees you. You think he listens to you but he just hears you. He draws cartoon hearts on your dirty dishes and you start to believe it could be that easy. That you could just meet somebody and begin your happy ever after. It couldn’t be that easy. Nothing ever is.

And you wonder how it happened. How you woke up one day with your heart caving in. How he threw you away like a discarded syringe. Use once and destroy. You pray that the hours will be more merciful. That the hands on the clock would start telling time and stop measuring how long it’s been since you last saw his sullen eyes or heard his beautiful voice. You type furiously into your phone praying for the courage to hit Send. You draft questions laced with accusations. Where are you? Why did you go? Did you really love me? You are asking the wrong questions. Or rather you are asking the wrong person. Where did I go? Where have I gone? Why didn’t I love myself?

And you wonder how it happened. How you thought the world would stop spinning the day he walked away. How you couldn’t find the strength to put one leg in front of the other. And then that leg in front of the other. But the world kept its axis and you, too, found the courage to crawl. You prop yourself up and you start to walk. You gain momentum and you run. You close your eyes and you fly. You thought it would all end the day he said goodbye. But it didn’t. It couldn’t. Maybe you don’t know your own strength.

And you wonder how it happened. How you could love someone so deeply, so irrevocably one instance and feel nothing the next. How you see him one day and it doesn’t feel like anything. You put a hand over your heart and find it’s still beating, still keeping tune to a song. Except this time he doesn’t know the words anymore. This time, he cannot hum along. And so you look stare at him. You pick at the scab that was your love. You will him to look back at you. And he does. But he pretends he doesn’t see you. And he keeps walking away and that should wound you. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t. Why doesn’t it hurt anymore?

And here’s how it happened. Here’s how you walked away from the car crash that was your life. Science tells you that the heart is the hardest working muscle in your body. That it pumps out 71 ounces of blood every beat. That it could beat three billion times in a person’s life. That even as you weep, you sleep, you breathe, you eat, it beats and it beats and it beats.

That’s 71 ounces of I could have loved you. Thump thump.

That’s 71 ounces of he’s not coming back. Thump thump.

That’s 71 ounces of I don’t love you anymore. Thump thump.

That’s 71 ounces of I choose to love myself. Thump thump. Instead. Thump thump.

That’s 71 tiny ounces out of the 213,000,000,000 ounces you’ll ever pump out in your entire life. Thump thump thump thump thump.

And so you watch him walk away. Like he did five months ago. Like nothing ever happened. Like it was the easiest thing in the world. And you move on with the rest of your day because it doesn’t sting as much or at all. It doesn’t hurt anymore. He’s just a boy you loved who left you, just a mistake among many, many, many wonderful mistakes. You plug your earphones in and listen to a woman singing words she pulled right out of your 71 ounces.

Dreams are dreams,
Will alas come true?
Skies will clear,
Leaving me bright and blue.
I will raise my glass to my heart and say
“Here’s to tomorrow, not yesterday.”

My heart proved stronger than your love. Here’s to tomorrow, not yesterday.

♫: All Saints | Dreams (2000)

19 comments:

  1. And when there is no scab, only faded scar tissue, what then? Even when the salve of someone new has covered your flesh, what is that stinging in the gut when you cross paths unexpectedly from far corners of the world?

    How doe THAT happen, and how do we make it NOT happen? I have no answers for any of this, and probably never will....

    Your writing stirs so much in us.

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    Replies
    1. Rick: Ah, that feeling is all too familiar. There are lovers who still sting a bit even after a couple of years. Maybe there's a point you can cross, like a point of no return of some sorts and when you've crossed that line and are rebuffed, it's easy to get hurt, to stay hurt even after all these years.

      What's comforting (thank you, berlin-artparasites) is that our cells regenerate after every 7 years. And so in 7 years, you will have a body that he has never touched or even seen.

      Your compliments are too kind but I appreciate them anyway. I was trying a sort of spoken, melodic version of how I usually write here. Not sure if that came across. :x

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  2. I wish I could get over some people.

    But I'd have to officially break up with them first.

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    Replies
    1. Rudeboy: Edi ikaw na! lolz I know you've got your harem, Ruddie. Question is, do you even want to let go? lolz

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    2. My problem is that I'm faithful.

      To all of them :D

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    3. Rudeboy: It seems like we have very different definitions for faithfulness! haha

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  3. i guess its better to discard or be discarded after one use than to be repeatedly used in an unhygienic and likely diseased condition -- although i don't think its sensed that way when it goes back for a return visit

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    1. LoF: This is so Claudine Barretto in Anak. Leave before you're left behind!

      And think of the same metaphor when applied to out-patient treatment of Dengue Fever! You need to get a blood test every other day!

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    2. claudine = LoF = *faints*

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    3. LoF: What? This is a compliment! I love pre-craycray Claudine! haha

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  4. One day, soon, I too, will wonder why it doesn't hurt anymore. Btw, the song is gorgeous.

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    Replies
    1. iamrei: Yes, it is! Such a forgettable record but there are a couple of songs that I just love. I've been waiting for a story that'll match this particular one for quite some time now. :)

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  5. For the longest time I said a legit profanity out loud.

    Boy am I glad that I am reading this in March and not in February. Shyet po, bakit ganito?


    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    After all that kadramahan, still thank you. It'll be okay. I can sense it in the air. Can I have the pleasure of having coffee with you? My treat! haha

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    Replies
    1. D: Go yan! Haha we can talk about all these fuckers who screwed with us. haha

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  6. Oh myyyy, Nyl! Hindi naman ako malungkot pero bumaon ito! Mga nakalipas...

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  7. Oh myyyy, Nyl! Hindi naman ako malungkot pero bumaon ito! Mga nakalipas...

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    Replies
    1. Paw: Ganyan talaga? May panahon ang pag-emote! haha

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  8. Replies
    1. Deej: Don't worry. Your heart will prove stronger than your love. :)

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