Thursday, November 20, 2014

on how it's not in our stars


My lover is a Gemini. On a whim, he came to me one day. He picked me up, dusted me off, and said that he loved me. Truly, wholly, and without tiring. I believed his persuasion. I trusted the frailty of his words. He was such a puzzle, warm and alive one minute and deathly cold the next. I wrestled plain in his conflicting hands. I learned to listen to the butterflies in my belly. He moved so quickly, breezing into my life and without warning, rushing out of it. Nobody told me the butterflies were just on loan. He took them with him when he walked away, leaving nothing but a hollow of wasps inside me.

My lover is a Gemini but I wish he was a Leo. I want him to find the courage to see past my faults, to purify me in the fire of his love. To hold me when I am afraid. To be there in the morning when I wake up. I want to drown in his discourse, to bask in the light of his idealism and arrogance. I want to hear about his day, however trivial or mundane. I want him to be open to me, to be strong enough to tell me when I cross the line. But I'm just wishing on stars and a Leo, he is not.

I wish he was a Libra. I want him to be fair. Like a photograph that falls off the pages of a book, his memory finds me in the strangest places. How do you miss somebody who was never yours? How do you learn to forget hands that have never held you or lips you have never kissed? I want to weave my words around his heart, to find out what made him change his mind so quickly. I want him to be just to me. But I'm just wishing on stars and a Libra, he is not.

I wish he was a Cancer. I want to be there for his famous mood swings. I want to understand his vulnerability, to warm my hands on the embers of his temper. I want to have long, tedious conversations about the frost on the window pane or the politics of living in an ant farm. I want him to be jealous, to wear his heart out on his sleeve. I want him to shake me when my heart wanders, to kiss me deeply to remind me why we got together in the first place. I want his desire to consume him like a fever. But I'm just wishing on stars and a Cancer, he is not.

I wish he was a Capricorn. I want to fall asleep on his stable chest. I want to feel my head rising and falling as he breathes me in. I want him to be loyal, for his eyes to never stray far away from me. I want his love to be as vast as a net. I could leap from the highest highs with eyes closed, arms outstretched. If cats knew they would always land on their feet, would they still be afraid to jump? I want my lover to catch me when I fall. But I'm just wishing on stars and a Capricorn, he is not.

But above all these, I know there is one wish that I would kill to make – I wish that love was in our stars. Because I know it isn't. Because I know that you're gone. But that hasn't stopped me from searching for your face in every crowd. It hasn't stopped me from leaning on the frailty of your words, on the butterflies in my gut. And so with the courage of the lion,the fairness of the scales, the passion of the crab, and the stability of the goat, I search the night sky for a shooting star. When I see one, I swear to God I will get down on my knees, shout your name, and wish that your footsteps would one day lead you back to me. I wish you would come back to me. I wish we had different stars.

♫: Nicole Scherzinger | AmenJena (2011)
Photo: Stars Above Haleakala

41 comments:

  1. whew! what can i say? muli, ako'y namangha sa iyong galing sa paghahabi ng mga salita. tunay na nakapagpapaligaya ang basahin ka. :)

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    1. Aris: Maraming salamat, kaibigan! :)

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  2. The fault in our stars...... We have the righ gone? I guess this is one of your posts that is my definite favorite :) #somanyfeels

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    1. Yccos: That means a lot to me. :) Oo, late na nung narealize ko yung parallelism niya. haha #gayagayaputomaya

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  3. "To be there in the morning when I wake up. I want to drown in his discourse, to bask in the light of his idealism and arrogance. I want to hear about his day, however trivial or mundane. I want him to be open to me, to be strong enough to tell me when I cross the line." --things that I want but can't have :|

    I never believed in star signs nor destinies predetermined by time. They make me feel all the more helpless, like the world conspired against me and that no matter what I do or how much I try (tried), it's not in the cards for me or for us. Mas settled ako sir na conscious decision ang lahat, that I had something to do with all that is happening now; and so all I do after the worst passed is to pick myself up and go on.

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    1. D: I think I have a little bit of both. Like I think that things just kind of go where they should but I can control some of it. Like there are actual waves but if I slap my belly on the ocean, I can make my own. lolz

      I'm curious about the tense shifting. I wonder why you don't think these are things you can have. Maybe a subject for a future post?

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  4. If I were your lover, I'd feel so inadequate. Reads like you wish him to be anyone but himself and with great expectations come great disappointments.

    Haha. I'm just messin' with you, Nyl. Trying to be a contrarian. :-)

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    1. Angel: I hate you! You got me second guessing myself. Allow me to offer an awkward defense: I first wrote this in the subjunctive mood kasi after the fact na siya dapat. But then I read it out loud and parang pumangit so I shifted to more conversational english. Baka naapektuhan tuloy.

      I was thinking na parang post-mortem siya ng bad breakup. And how you wish he were a better man para di ka niya iniwan etc chenes mga ganyang eksena. But then in the context of a current relationship, scary nga yan. From experience yan ha. :x I've often become the victim of my own expectations.

      Your contrarian-ism makes for excellent conversation!

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  5. Grabe. Ayaw mo ng Virgo? Deh joke lang.

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    1. Mga Espasyo: Pwede naman! haha joke lang din.

      Actually, it was in one of the earlier drafts. Parang ang lakas kasi makashushal nung birhen-birhenan. haha But I had to strike it for brevity.

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    1. Yas: The patron saint of the deserted! He spent a summer by my siiiiiiddddeeeee!!!!

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  7. awwwwwwww. beautifully written. i labs it. hihi

    howell I'm a leoooo. lol wala lang masabi ko lang. haha

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    1. Kalansay Collector: Apir tayo! Leo din ako. Balita ko iba daw tayo magmahal ha. Intense ang ligawan. Haha

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  8. Wow! Napakahusay mo talagang magsulat. Pinaka-nagustuhan ko talaga sa lahat ay hindi lang utak ang ginamit mo kundi hinuhugot mo mula sa kaibuturan ng iyong puso ang iyong mga sinusulat. Nabagbag ang aking puso habang binabasa ko ito. (Tinagalog ko na lang ha, di kasi ako kasinggaling mo mag-English eh.)

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    1. AB: Napakalalim naman ng iyong tagalog. Ako ay naloloka haha salamat po sa pagdaan sa aking munting tahanan. Welcome welcome! :)

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    1. that didn't come out right. haha. you know the church (and christians in general) are against divorce, because they believe that true love is coming to terms with every up and every down, every in and every out. marriage was the institution that made this happen. in a reflected variation of god is love, one's suffering to find the equilibrium is one's spiritual quest and the direction to finding the hidden treasure, the treasure that is hard to find: love. i like dt suzuki's pithy comment better: fundamentally, the marksman aims at himself.

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    2. LoF: Maybe because I wasn't raised a catholic, I find it difficult to see the pain/love parallelism to faith. But my own experiences with love has led me to the belief that it's only real if it hurts. Haha you'll see more of this in my next post. :p

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    3. with the annulment process available to the wealthy, i wouldn't exactly call this aspect of the "until death do us part" a strong catholic belief. although that belief does animate catholic theology and policy, it is actually the protestant sects that seem to focus in on this issue more intently. two questions that come to mind regardless of upbringing is: what meaning do I give suffering (if any) in my life? is it possible that love is separate from pain?

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    4. LoF: I think (and this is based on my meager existence haha) that the true test of love only comes when it's not convenient. I've been told that this Amy Winehouse perspective is rather immature, that mature love is about quiet moments of holding hands and staring into sunsets but that's actually been my central conflict these last couple of months. I want passion, and often times that leads to pain (wait, no. LOTS of it) so to say that suffering could be meaningless or that pain is separate from love... I just can't process it. haha Maybe this explains my lucid dreaming? I've been so caught up with thinking about all of this that my unconscious has decided to step in.

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    5. I guess we have to ask ourselves, is this suffering spiritual or neurotic? love in itself does not equal pain (love ≠ pain) and so if there is an understanding or a psychological conditioning that provokes it in the material world (or our experience of it), then that matter must be differentiated and healed first before any spiritual suffering can interface with love. in other words, if a pitcher is held upside down, you can pour unlimited amounts of water, and yet nothing is retained. and the conscious ego has little control over the matter as long as the orientation or perspective of the conscious ego is not seen as the problem, generally.

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    6. LoF: I've read this three times but I'm finding it hard to really grasp it. You made my nose bleed, LoF! :p Maybe explain it next time we meet?

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    7. i wasn't intending to be obscure, just concise. oops. if you get nose bleed, then ultimately, it doesn't really make sense. lol

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    8. LoF: Not at all! Maybe I just don't have the right foundation for it yet. You know I only started really getting these things when you introduced it to me back in '09 (?) so it's all still pretty new. :p

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  10. ugh. this post reminds me of my ex. =D

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    1. Ahmer: You're back! haha And si Kuya ba tong nameet ko? Or iba pa? lololz

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  11. Ah, such depth of experience from one so young. How? Where? Whether fiction or truth, or a bit of both, you bring such 'efficient agony' to this universal emotion. If only I could write like this!

    Oh, and I'm on the cusp: Cancer AND Leo! :P

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    1. Rick: Thank you for your generous compliments! :p and you're doubly dangerous! I had an ex who was a Cancer once. He really put me through the wringer!

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  12. Again, nobody deserves to be happy as long as I am miserable. Or as Glenn had put it, nobody deserves to be happy even if I'm not miserable.

    Joke.

    Go on cry and feel the pain my friend. For the man you once longed for is no longer there. Hugs.

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    1. Yj: No longer there talaga? Hala ka! haha Salamat friend. Kape tayo soon.

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  13. Sometimes when I get my heart broken I don't wish for falling stars I wish for planet-sized asteroids to crash on me where I stand. Someday your stars will align and you'll be with who you are meant to be. Or maybe you'll go through guys of every zodiac sign. San ka mas naexcite LOL.

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    1. Glentot: haha minsan di ko alam kung friends ba talaga tayo. lolz

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    2. BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Gusto ko lang irecord dito yung pagtawa ko :P

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    3. OP: Ganyan talaga yan! haha

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  14. i missed reading your blog. but i wish it weren't as sad a post as this.

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    1. Gillboard: Yun lang! haha Alam mo naman ma-emote itong side ng internet. I missed reading you too! Catch up soon?

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  15. I'd backread more of your posts tonight, but this one already broke my heart. Bukas naman ulit, baka masobrahan. :p

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    1. Rz F: Hala ka! haha sorry naman. Galing din ng timing ng pagbabalik mo. haha

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  16. This is really nice Nyl. And coming from somebody who's passionate about astrology, this is really, really nice. I loved how you weaved science and fiction in this post.

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    1. Rei: I had to do a little research pa actually kasi being the typical Leo, sign ko lang alam ko. haha Thanks for appreciating those details. :p

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