Tuesday, December 31, 2013

wishstick



"It is what it is. What can I say? You chose a man with complications." And he said this to me in one breath, as though it were that easy. My mind raced with questions. Did he love me? Would that be enough? What was I looking for? What did I expect I could get from all this? I couldn't answer any of them. I just sat there, eyes glued to the floor as the man with too many strings attached broke my heart.

"Do you love her?" I asked. It was a question that would hurt but I needed to hear his answer. He tapped the bottom end of his cigarette pack and tore the seal off. He took the first stick and put it back in the pack, filter end first. What he needed a wish stick for, I didn't need to know.

"I don't know," he answered, his pitch tentative. "Not as much as I used to but I guess there's still some love there. When you give your heart to someone, anyone really, a part of you will always love them."

"What about me?" I asked, the words getting caught in my throat. "Will a part of me always be with you?" He looked away. His silence spoke more than any explanation he could give me. And since the burden was all mine, I was left with nothing to do but to cradle my head in my hands and wait for the world to stop spinning.

"My father taught me how to smoke. Did I ever tell you that? He said that the first cigarette is always lucky and so each new pack gives you a fresh wish. That's why I keep doing this," he said, showing me the stick he had flipped. Maybe this was his way of answering my question. "I know it sounds silly but a part of me has always believed in that."

"And what did you wish for in this pack?"

"I wished that I'd met you before her." He lit up a cigarette and took short, pensive puffs. "Because the only alternative is after her. And I just don't think I can do that." I looked straight into his dark brown eyes and saw a million forevers that would never be.

The new year brings us hope – hope of a fresh start, of possibilities, and of countless choices that won't turn into regrets. If I could do it all over again, would I have wrapped my life around his? He took one last puff of his cigarette, put it out on his shoe, and walked away.

♫: Dishwalla | Angels or Devils (2002)
Photo: mbart

MANIGONG BAGONG TAON! And so another year comes to a close. I know I didn't really get to write that much (14 posts! My lowest ever!) but I sincerely appreciate everybody for sticking around anyway. See you next year!

24 comments:

  1. I use to have this habit before. I put the first cigarette back, filter end first. It is always nice being optimistic with something. Probably, that is what wishsticks are for. To symbolize that we can always hope for something better. :D

    Happy New Year!

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    1. LJ: We;ll take our wishes where we can get it. haha Happy New Year, LJ! :)

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  2. Happy New Year Nyl! Pray that you'll write more next year! Haha XD

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    1. Rei: I want that too! haha Happy New Year, Rei!

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  3. Well, this is a nice year-end treat. Missed you, Nyl. I'd say write more, but that would be selfish. Because I know life interferes. And yet, living is what we ought to be doing. Writing is but an adjunct to that.

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    1. Rudeboy: It's a vicious cycle. Can't write because life interferes. Too much life happening, need to write! But that adjunct thing makes a lot of sense. And I missed you too, Rudie! Let's all hope this year, we all get our second wind back. :)

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  4. "I wished that I'd met you before her. Because the only alternative is after her. And I just don't think I can do that."

    Whoever he is, I faced the same dilemma just earlier today. I hope I get pass this soon.

    Happy new year. :)

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    1. Geosef: The part of me that's in this story is in that character. It's a very confusing dilemma and I hope you make it through in one piece!

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  5. More posts to come this 2014. This blog is really worth reading. Happy new year

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    1. Limarx: That's very nice of you! Thanks, limarx! :) Happy new year, din! :)

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  6. Happy New Year, Nyl! Here's hoping for many fulfilled wishes! :)

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    1. Beliza: Happy new year to you too, dear! I still have your Filipino version of The Little Prince! I MUST SEND IT THIS YEAR! haha

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  7. Wow! I really do hope that no girl would ruin my relationship with Cheng.. I get scared of the thoughts of him leaving me for a woman because I know he would choose the woman over me and that both our families would prefer it to be that way.. Great post :)

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    1. Simon: I want that for you too! haha Mahirap kalaban ang merlat. I think that's way up there in the list of LGBT relationship fears! At thanks for dropping by. :)

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  8. ;__; feels.

    hay...ang hirap nga kapag nagkamali ka na sa pinili mo na una. you'll get hung up with that person kahit tapos na talaga. kahit friends nalang. may sabit talaga.

    pero ewan. emotions are complicated. i felt that with the first girl i loved and the first man i loved...and sometimes i wish it was someone else so it never would've been wrong.

    -insert emo songs here- lol.

    halika hugs nalang for everyone. happy new yeaaar.

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    1. Gabi: Feels talaga? haha that's so cute!

      Yes, emotions are complicated. I don't think it would be worth it if it were so easy to get. #chauce

      Hugs back! And happy new year!

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  9. happy new year Nyl! I always visit u here kung may new post ka. hehe. miss you too!

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    1. A: Talaga ba? Naku, nakakaloka naman yun. Happy new year!!! :)

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  10. Happy new year din sa'yo at sa'yong pamilya Nyl! Cheers! :)

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    1. Splice: Cheers sa isa sa mga paborito kong discoveries of 2013! Wag ka magsasawang mag-sulat dahil matagal-tagal pa kami magbabasa. haha :)

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  11. "I wished that I'd met you before her."----sucks big time and it smacked me right between the eyes! :)

    Happy New Year!

    Isabelle

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    1. Isabelle: Hello! Happy New Year din! haha naka-relate ka ba? And I see you've transitioned to LJ! Congrats!

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