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I'm vulnerable. I'm vulnerable (but) I am not a robot.

Monday, February 25, 2013

purging as a sacrament


To A. Because I wrote this to let you go. To Z. Because the broken in me doesn't make you run.

September 14, 2011

Up until now, I’ve done a good job of putting my problems into little boxes, dealing with the ones I can, storing the ones I can’t. My new responsibilities at work have been helpful. The overwhelming feeling of coming to terms with all I have to learn has been very helpful. It keeps me from thinking about you, about us, about all we lost to the tide.

Today’s a little different though. I’ve been starting at this Excel sheet for quite some time now. I can’t seem to make sense of its entirety. I understand the parts. I see the variables and where to get the values. It’s how it all comes together that I don’t get. The error stares at me, heckling, laughing at my incompetence and all I cannot be.

Before I could stop it, I found myself in a daydream. It was from the last time I saw you. You hailed a cab for me and as we drove away, I could see you walking towards Makati Avenue. Had I known that that would be the last time I’d ever see you, I would’ve told the driver to stop. I would’ve run to you, told you how much I loved you, maybe to stop what you were doing and just focus on what was real, focus on what was us.

They say when you chop a chicken’s head off, they just keep flapping around until they die. I guess that’s how I’ve been feeling since that day we last spoke. I know you’re gone. I know my anger has consumed me. But when will I come to terms with what I lost? When will my body expire to the ground?

And so begins the dance of breaking up and moving on. We go through these sacraments to speed up the process, to let go, to accept the reality of separation. I’ve deleted your number, sent a few drunk texts, written a few posts detailing my feelings. I had one last task and that was to pack up your things and give ‘em back to you.

Your shirts. The socks I borrowed when I stayed at your apartment. The hanky you made me use when we got lost in Taguig and I was sweating profusely. The travel toothbrush I bought you when we stayed at my house when my parents were away. I was numb as I packed them. I couldn’t feel anything, didn’t want to at least. I was expecting a few butterflies in my stomach but it was pretty quiet in that department. Everything was going right until I saw a little black notebook. Suddenly, all the reserve I had went out the window. Winded, I sat on my room’s floor praying the room would stop spinning.

It was the anniversary gift I was to give you. I bought this journal back in August when I had no idea we were going to break up. On the first page, I stuck the ticket to the first movie we ever saw. On the last page, a haphazard wedding invitation. It was a picture of us when we were in Pagudpud. I was trying to lift you but I couldn’t. We had smiles on our faces and the sun in our eyes. We didn’t know what was going to happen.

There was a note I wrote too quickly. I wanted to capture my train of thought. Write down our story, I said. Fill in the pages between our first date and our wedding day. I apologized for my shortcomings, for not always being there. I realize now how naïve I was, how stupid it was to place all bets on something that was against me, someone who was going to hurt me. Someone who didn’t understand me, or at least stopped trying to. How silly of me.

The sacrament tells me to remove all traces of you. I said to myself that this was nothing. I breathed in, breathed out. The shirts, those things, these were just tasks on a checklist. I didn’t want to think of them anymore. I didn’t want to remember you anymore. I took all of your things and put it in the first paper bag I saw. If only it were that easy to truly let you go.

February 25, 2013

I survived. I didn’t think I would. And I heard you did too. Thank you for everything you taught me. I would’ve never known how to become a good lover if you didn’t show me how. With all my heart, I wish you all the best in life.

♫: Ashlee Simpson | Say Goodbye (2005)
Photo: YJ

51 comments:

  1. not bad for a comeback, nyl! paka-emo mo talaga! charot. :p

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    Replies
    1. Nate: Comeback talaga? I didn't even realize I left! haha started a new job kasi so medyo busy lang. Thanks for dropping by! At oo no, aminado naman akong emotera. haha

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  2. Ah, nice to see Nyl back.

    Even if it's laced with his heartache.

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    1. Rudeboy: Well, you know me Rudie. Who am I if I'm not perpetually laced with heartache? haha

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    2. A while back, quite by chance, I came across a poem by T.S. Eliot. There were lines towards the end which I thought was so appropriate for that pic of the two of you by the sea.

      "We have lingered by the chambers of the sea
      By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
      Till human voices wake us, and we drown."

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    3. Rudeboy: Thank God for blogging. I would've never heard of this poem (or the beautiful Annie Lennox song that you suggested a while back) if I didn't have this avenue.

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    4. Rudeboy: Oh shucks! Does that mean you've got room in your playlist for dear ol' Ashlee? :)

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  3. Replies
    1. JJRod'z: Yeah! I'm glad too! Thanks! :)

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  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  5. Isang kampai para sa iyong pagbabalik. =)

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    1. m2mtripper: Uy! Long time no hear ah! Salamat sa kampai! :)

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  6. i felt the sincerity.
    i love reading heartbreaks while looking back the past but I hate the feeling it brings in reality

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    1. Jei Son: Hey! Welcome to my blog. :) Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, flashbacks are tricky. One minute you're reminiscing, the next you're hugging your legs while rocking back and forth lolz

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  7. This is very very sensitive. Three years to move on, a lot of time to fulfill that sacrament..

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    1. The girl of the sun: Cool name! Welcome to my blog. :)

      Yes, it's been a while. It took a lot for me to really let go and move on. I'm glad I have such a stable parachute. If I could, here's me channeling Cheryl Cole. I know he's gonna catch me when I fall. :x

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  8. although you say purging, there is something core in here that reminds me of the T'boli tale of To Tit and Tukol, which certainly not purging as you mean it here.

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    1. LOF: By T'boli, do you mean the indigenous Filipino tribe? Not familiar with the story and Google isn't helping. haha

      I thimk the purging was more of the physical manifestations of the relationship, hoping it'll help with the more emotional ones?

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    2. yes T'boli. haha. the magic bird, Tukol, tells To Tit, who has been orphaned by the untimely death of his parents, to eat him (the bird) whole, shit him out, bury the shit and wait to see what happens. a magic tree appears where the shit was buried, of course, which sets To Tit towards the end result of the story in which he lives in a heavenly palace with his soulmate as the richest man on earth.... lol... but first the purging...

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    3. LOF: Wow. I don't know if I should be in awe or kind of disgusted. I guess in my case, I don't really want to see the end. The whole point of the purging was to let go, not to see some future where we could finally be together.

      My mom has T'boli roots. I never knew they had such interesting folklore.

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  9. I sent you a sms. :) There is something in this that I will always remember. A will always be a part of you, definitely. And I am glad you met him.

    Z is so lucky.

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    1. LJ: I know! I replies. haha I remember you first started reading me when A was still in my life. I guess that's why it impacted you so much.

      And really, ako ang swerte kay Z. Ang baliw baliw ko kaya. But still, nagti-tiyaga parin siya. haha

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  10. dapat yung brand new me ang song nito !!

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    1. Mots: Naaadik ka na talaga kay Alicia Keys! haha may nag-suggest pa nga sa Twitter na yung bagong kanta daw ni Aiza Seguerra. Pinakinggan ko at ang sakit! haha

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    2. Anong nangyari sa ting dalawa? Yun ba yun?

      Oh well, may naki-tatlo! That's what happened! ahahahahaha

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    3. Yj: Pak! Eto na si Aiza. haha eh bakit di ka lumaban? lolz

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  11. Replies
    1. bagotilyoako: hey, you're back! :) thanks for dropping by!

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  12. Congratulations! Not everyone's able to get through with the alphabet but you, you made it from A to Z! So happy for you! :) Seriously, im glad. You give me hope.

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    1. 16 high and low: Hey! Welcome to my blog. Thanks for dropping by. I'm glad I gave you hope. Yes, I've gone through a shitload and I'm still breathing. Maybe there's hope for us yet. :)

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  13. Flashback to drunk Spiral-Citybuoy convo at Manila Bitch's balcony. :)

    Lovelovelove.

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    Replies
    1. Spiral Prince: Come here na kasi so we can have more convos like that!

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  14. Can I have that black notebook please? I mean come on, it's not like he's gona use it pa no!

    And what's with the picture? Parang parehong lalake, kadiri!

    Lol

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    Replies
    1. Nahiya naman ako sa kadiri! hahaha

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    2. Yj: You should know it's not with me anymore. You gave it back to him! haha

      and can I echo Spiral? Oo nga... nahiya naman ako. Lalo sa'yo, 'tol.

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    3. I can just imagine our faces if this convo were in person. :3

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    4. Spiral: Kurek! So hurry na ang moooooovvvveee!!!

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  15. Replies
    1. Knoxxy: Memories? That is all I am taking with me! lolz

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  16. I'm thinking of applying Rule #34 on your blog name. I'll be back. LOL.

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    1. Glentot: Like cityboink? haha madali sayo eh. Wickedmouth sounds porn-y na agad! (I would normally say no offense but I know for you, compliment yan! lolz)

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  17. Are you by any chance on whatsapp? - John Chen

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    1. John Chen: I'm not! But I am on skype. Why? (err...) what's up?

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  18. After reading this, that echo I never thought still existed resonated. Cheers to a new life, Nyl.

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    1. Ryan See: May buhay pa pala after! Tayo'y magdiwang!

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  19. I know you too well to make a comment. HUWAW yun na ang bagong generic comment ng nag-skip read LOL. Seriously binasa ko ito. Check mo pa sa Statcounter hehe.

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    1. Glentot: I guess blogging meetups really ruin the illusion no? haha next time I meet someone, maghu-hoody ako at dark mascara sa mata. Tapos accessorize with razors sa wrists!

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  20. After ko mabasa 'to parang gusto ko na ulet magkulong sa kwarto. Certified heart crashing writer ka talaga ser. Haha.

    Akala ko you're into girls. Bwahahaha.

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    1. Gord: Parang blog award na yan ah. Certified Heart Crasher. lolz

      And girls talaga? Kulang pa na red/pink yung blog ko?!

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