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I'm vulnerable. I'm vulnerable (but) I am not a robot.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

forever clouds


The little things don’t scare me. You could tell me about a client presentation fifteen minutes in advance and I wouldn’t even flinch. I can watch scary movies like the best of them and I’d have my eyes wide open, hands firmly on the popcorn bucket, waiting for the next big scream. I don’t get scared that easily. But when you ask me about forever, well… that’s a different story.

You see, it’s not easy. I’ve seen it from end to end. You’d think I would know everything there is to know about forever. I’ve seen an imagined life flashing before my eyes. I’ve banked on promises of memories that never materialized. I’ve sworn to spend the rest of my life with somebody and I watched as I took it all back. I’ve held on. I’ve let go. And despite everything, I feel like I still know nothing about forever.

And I think about all this as I stare at the man I love. He is flat on the floor, reading a book. I am on the loft, watching him devour his paperback. I think about how good it feels, how easy it is to just sit here, passing the time, neither of us wanting to go anywhere. I think about how easy it is for him and I to just be.

And if I could fill the rest of my life with quiet moments just like this- the two of us killing time, I knew I’d be okay. I set my iPod on its dock and thumbed over to a familiar song. A gentle drumbeat ushers in this story’s score as I walk over to him and offer an open hand.

“Yes?” he asks, barely looking up from the dusty pages of his book.

“Come dance with me,” I say. He smiles and it’s the crooked one he uses for when I’ve gone insane again. “Please? I love this song.”

He stands and puts his book away. He walks slowly to me, hands raised in mock surrender. I meet him in the middle of our imagined dance floor and wrap my arms around his waist. He throws his arms around my neck, our faces close to touching. We sway softly, his hot breath alive on my skin. The verse kicks in and for the next five minutes and forty-eight seconds, I am one with my lover. We are one with the music.

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

And I feel so close to him, so close I could almost read his thoughts. I wonder if he could read mine.

Does he know how happy I am that he is here? Does he know that I am only truly living when he is around? Does he know about the storms that were coming? Is he just as afraid as I am? I wonder if he, too, could feel the pain of broken promises, of countless lovers I swore to under countless moons. I feel these questions burning in the middle of my chest. I rest my head on his shoulder and let him lead.

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

And yet I always go back to the feeling of having him with me, swaying, loving. Maybe instead of holding on to forever, I should just hold on to love.

♫: Rachael Yamagata | Both Sides Now (2009)
Post: d-i-y

32 comments:

  1. I used to believe in the idea of forever, you and someone being together for...ever. It also frightens me, seriously. This seriously needs a post. Haha.

    I cannot agree more, hold on to something tangible. Saka na isipin ang forever.

    Glad I dont have to search for Rachel Yamagata na.

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    Replies
    1. LJ: You know how much I love Ms. Yamagata. B)

      It really is a frightening word. I was brave enough to conjur it in the past but moving forward, I will be mroe careful with it. It's a promise not to be taken lightly. Lest we get another Alanis ('till you died, 'till you died but you're still alive!)

      Delete
  2. I imagine every bit of this in my head. But yeah, you are right, hold on to love. I personally don't believe in forevers. This post made me smile. :)

    And I love Rachel Yamagata!!! Made me smile more!

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    1. nyabach0i: I'm glad you were able to. I was careful in pacing the words, even got to read it out loud before I posted.

      Yes, we must always hold on to love. I'm glad that thought doesn't scare us as much as the F word. :)

      Get all of Rachael's music! She's so the bomb!

      Delete
  3. there's this unexplainable, light feeling about this post.. or it's just me.. hahaha! :p

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    Replies
    1. Nate: Unexplainable light feeling talaga? I'm glad you liked it. :p

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  4. This has the goosebumps effect Nyl. Evidence of your heart poured in writing. Awesome. Really awesome.

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    1. Rei: Goosebumps? Wow! That's a great reaction! I don't get that a lot. :)

      And yes, a lot of heart went into this. (chos) I usually hold a post in my head for days until I'm sure it's really solid but this one just flowed right through.

      Thanks for all the acknowledgement. I appreciate it. :)

      Delete
  5. "Maybe instead of holding on to forever, I should just hold on to love."

    Well, that's just beautiful.

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    Replies
    1. Rudeboy: Your terse comments always hit the right spot. And while I'm all for a good, healthy discussion in the comments section, allow me to be terse as well. Thanks, Rudie. :)

      Delete
  6. ang ganda ng naratibo. swabe. parang may magaan na ulap sa pakiramdam. pagkatapos ko mabasa, pakiramdam ko mababaog ako.

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    1. Overthinker Palaboy: Maraming salamat! Welcome to my blog. :) Ang saya naman ng bungad mo.

      Pero bakit ka mababaog? lolz

      Delete
  7. bakit hindi yung kay ate shawi yung nilagay mong version? hihih

    nakaka-kilig, na nakakalungkot pala 'tong re-imaginings tag, pogi. kaya kailangan nito ng ,') emoticon.


    salamat sa post. wala kang sing-husay.

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    1. Mots: May version si Ate Shawi? Eh alam mo naman na super biased ako kay Rachael Yamagata.

      Bakit naman nakakalungkot yung re-imaginings tag? Diba maganda mag-recycle? lolz

      Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it. :)

      Delete
  8. Yes and amen. I'm enchanted, and envious. I've had this and lost it through circumstances, and once through selfishness. It seems that growing old together, becomes simply growing old. Hopefully, not too soon...


    BTW Nyl, I love this Joni Mitchell song, and I love me some Joni Mitchell! The best version of this song is a live one by her just a few years ago.... kinda long, but worth it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKQSlH-LLTQ

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    1. Rick: I saw the post you left on Facebook. Blogger initially marked this comment as spam. Anyway, I love this line:

      "It seems that growing old together, becomes simply growing old."

      It's sickeningly sad and sweet and all the other stuf fin between.

      And I'm just getting into this whole Joni Mitchell thing. I have a few of her records but I'm starting to see what all the fuss is about. I'll check that video out as soon as I get to a non-work computer. :)

      Delete
  9. our forever lasts as far as we persist. it is not time, but the invisible hopes we hold on to.

    your last line says it. beautiful.

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    1. Pepe: So when we say forever, we don't mean till the end of time. We mean, till I can take it. I think that's a little sad. But at least we can hold on to our invisible hopes. :(

      Delete
  10. I feel halfway between the two sides of this story. I'm the one who's so preoccupied with the future tense and scared of it at the same time. I don't know about forever, though. I renounced that word years ago. :))

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    1. RZ: Maybe that means you value the future more (?) I find that it's the thing I value most that scare me shitless.

      And about renouncing forever... I'm curious about this statement. I guess you could say this post was a partial renouncing and now I'm wondering what events occurred that lead you to abandon it altogether. :p

      Delete
  11. the only better version than Joni Mitchell's original version of it, was her jazz version that was sampled in Love Actually. sorry rachel, i really don't know clouds, at all... lol

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    1. LOF: Oh, I have that soundtrack. I'll check it out. :p I'm very biased towards anything Rachael. I think I've written about half a dozen posts with her songs. lolz

      Delete
  12. I'm not very comfortable speaking in front of large groups of people. It's good to know you don't have any problems in that department. I remember back in college, we had this subject wherein we're required to do something in front of the class. And it was a big class, as in an auditorium. Looking back, I don't know how I survived, but I did. Thank God.

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    Replies
    1. Visual Velocity: Well, one gets used to it. I used to be deathly afraid of such things but then I became a teacher and then a trainer. lolz

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  13. Replies
    1. Spiral: And when it's not for a joke, I really do have two left feet! haha

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  14. "And yet I always go back to the feeling of having him with me, swaying, loving. Maybe instead of holding on to forever, I should just hold on to love"


    Its really hard to cling to the word forever. Nakatrauma :3

    http://roguemercado.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Rogue: Hey! Welcome to my blog. :)

      Nakakatrauma ba? I guess it's all part of the game. The game daw? :p

      Delete
  15. Or maybe you shouldn't dance at all.

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    Replies
    1. Carl: But Carl! I have to dance. I want to dance and love and dance again. chos

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