forever clouds

The little things don’t scare me. You could tell me about a client presentation fifteen minutes in advance and I wouldn’t even flinch. I can watch scary movies like the best of them and I’d have my eyes wide open, hands firmly on the popcorn bucket, waiting for the next big scream. I don’t get scared that easily. But when you ask me about forever, well… that’s a different story.

You see, it’s not easy. I’ve seen it from end to end. You’d think I would know everything there is to know about forever. I’ve seen an imagined life flashing before my eyes. I’ve banked on promises of memories that never materialized. I’ve sworn to spend the rest of my life with somebody and I watched as I took it all back. I’ve held on. I’ve let go. And despite everything, I feel like I still know nothing about forever.

And I think about all this as I stare at the man I love. He is flat on the floor, reading a book. I am on the loft, watching him devour his paperback. I think about how good it feels, how easy it is to just sit here, passing the time, neither of us wanting to go anywhere. I think about how easy it is for him and I to just be.

And if I could fill the rest of my life with quiet moments just like this- the two of us killing time, I knew I’d be okay. I set my iPod on its dock and thumbed over to a familiar song. A gentle drumbeat ushers in this story’s score as I walk over to him and offer an open hand.

“Yes?” he asks, barely looking up from the dusty pages of his book.

“Come dance with me,” I say. He smiles and it’s the crooked one he uses for when I’ve gone insane again. “Please? I love this song.”

He stands and puts his book away. He walks slowly to me, hands raised in mock surrender. I meet him in the middle of our imagined dance floor and wrap my arms around his waist. He throws his arms around my neck, our faces close to touching. We sway softly, his hot breath alive on my skin. The verse kicks in and for the next five minutes and forty-eight seconds, I am one with my lover. We are one with the music.

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

And I feel so close to him, so close I could almost read his thoughts. I wonder if he could read mine.

Does he know how happy I am that he is here? Does he know that I am only truly living when he is around? Does he know about the storms that were coming? Is he just as afraid as I am? I wonder if he, too, could feel the pain of broken promises, of countless lovers I swore to under countless moons. I feel these questions burning in the middle of my chest. I rest my head on his shoulder and let him lead.

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

And yet I always go back to the feeling of having him with me, swaying, loving. Maybe instead of holding on to forever, I should just hold on to love.

♫: Rachael Yamagata | Both Sides Now (2009)
Post: d-i-y