Tuesday, May 15, 2012

somebody loved


“So we finally got to eat pares,” he said while we paid for the food. We were in the middle of a crowded mall carrying our overnighters like a bunch of hillbilly backpackers. I looked at him, unsure of the anecdote he was hinting at. “Remember? Back in November. We were supposed to have breakfast here but we flaked.”

The memory resurfaced like a buoy set free underwater. He’d refused to meet me for weeks and then he suddenly invited me to grab a bite. A craving, he reasoned but at the last minute, plans fell apart. I thought for sure we’d never meet but yet there we were, months later about to enjoy our first bowl of pares together.

“I’ll go get us a table,” he offered, juggling his backpack and a tray of rice bowls and iced tea. As the cashier was handing me my change, a little lightbulb flashed in my head.

“Is this seat taken?” I asked in a voice that didn’t sound like my own. He looked up from the bench he was on and flashed me a smirk. I set my tray on the wooden table to offer a firm handshake.

“N,” I introduced. “And you are?”

“Z.” He smiled, I melted. We shook hands and went through the ritual of pares-eating. Anyone who was watching might have believed we were strangers who’d just met for the first time. In reality, we’ve been together for almost three months and I have loved him for close to six.

---

It’s moments like this that I recall when I’m in bed, alone and missing him. I think of the way he stirred the burnt garlic crisps and sliced onion springs into his rice. I recall his untouched bowl of house soup and how he looked at me for approval as he sheepishly ordered a second helping of rice. And though we’ve eaten at a lot of nice places, it’s this quick fastfood trip we made that I’ll probably always remember. It was such a perfect image of who we are, of how uncomplicated things should be. There was nothing gourmet about the large chunks of beef bathing in broth. There were no spirits in the ₱15 iced tea they served in disposable cups. But still, I knew I had all I needed at that little table in the middle of a crowded mall with a man I pretended I’d just met.

There are times when I feel like I’m addicted to him. I crave the way he picks up the phone when I call him. I always long for the feeling of his head on my arm when we cuddle and watch TV. I love the sound of his laughter when I tell a joke or curse at the cartoons he watches. In the morning, I look forward to him showing me pictures he took of me sleeping. We glide through the previews and I see pictures of me, mouth ajar, legs bent at odd angles. In my head, I’m thinking ugly, ugly, ugleeeee but he’s telling me that I look funny, cute, and adorable. In less lucid moments of having just woken up, I actually believe him. I’d tell him about the wicked dreams that came the night before and he’d listen, without prejudice as though dreaming of dragons who steal your coffee was the most normal thing in the world. He’d tell me how I elbowed him in my sleep and I’d remark at how his snoring woke me up in the middle of the night. We’ve built a little routine around each other’s quirks and it’s things like this that I recall when I’m in bed, alone, still missing him badly.

It’s not perfect. Nothing is. We bicker like nine-year olds and we make up like them too. He tells me I smoke too much. I scold him when he refuses to abstain from the lechon’s fatty grip. We’ve hurt each other deeply with our words. We’ve both acted like jerks who didn’t care for each other. But then all I need to do is look into his big ol’ eyes and I remember how everything that happened in the past year only made sense when I met him. We were both disillusioned by love, both held shards of dreams we built with other people. And in the middle of all that rubble, he saw a broken boy and turned him into somebody loved. His heartbeat is my lullaby and if I close my eyes, I can almost hear the words.

Rain turns the sand into mud.
Wind turns the trees into bone.
Stars turning high up above.
You turn me into somebody loved

Nights when the heat had gone out.
We danced together alone.
Cold turned our breath into clouds.
We never said what we were dreaming of.
But you turned me into somebody loved

Someday when we're old and worn
Like two softened shoes,
I will wonder on how I was born
The night I first ran away from you.

Now my feet turn the corn
Sun turns the evening to rose.
Stars turning high up above.
You turn me into somebody loved.

I do not want to say I love you for we know not what the future betrays. Instead, I offer three simpler words: you are home.

♫: The Weepies | Somebody Loved (2003)

73 comments:

  1. Nyl nyl nyl, i'm not sure kung ikaw yung nakita ko sa Makati. Naglalakad ka na may hawak kang paper bag na black and white (Urban Athletics yata yung brand) then naka-black shirt ka haha. #stalking

    Sana may mag-aya sa akin na kumain ng pare, i mean pares LOL.

    Ang sabaw ng comment ko haha.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ronnie: Oh yes! That was me! haha And that was the day I ate pares. lolz Saan ba ito? Madami akong inikutan that day.

      As for eating pare/s, go lang! haha Maybe today, you'll eat at Jonas. Tomorrow, it'll be Jonah's. lolz

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    2. Hahaha, Linggo (Mother's Day, I think) kitang nakita na naglalakad sa Reposo. I knew it was you haha.

      Hindi ko masyadong bet yung pares sa Jonas. Masarap yung sa Best Friends (pink and green yung logo). :

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    3. Ronnie: That was definitely me then. Super pagod from a long day but I still managed to walk. lolz Ano naman ginagawa mo sa Reposo noon, aber?

      Saan itong Best Friends? Never heard ha.. pero it sounds promising.

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    4. Nasa tricycle ako galing Jupiter (sosyal haha) para maghhanap ng cake pr wala ako makita. So for some reason, napansin kita kasi walang tao. AYUN.

      May Best Friends sa Pureza tsaka QC hehe. :)

      Delete
    5. Ronnie: Lakas makasosyal ng tricycle sa Jupiter. I'll never get over the feeling of getting off the trike to go to Starbucks. Yun ang contrast! haha

      And yes, I'll check that out pag mapadpad ako sa QC. :p

      Delete
  2. shit kinikilig ako. hahah hndi ka na nga emo blogger. nung nabasa ko ko yung you're my home, nag-play bigla sa isip ko yung kanta ni lea salonga. sorry naman nyl, maling soundtrack :)

    sarap sa jonas ano? may nagsabi saking sila ang nanette ng salitang "pares".

    may naisip akong mas magandang title: lovers in pares (ang bibo ko di ba?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mots: Anong Lea Salonga song?

      Oo, sila nga ang nag-imbento. Nasa salamin kaya yun. Siguro di ka nagbabasa. haha

      At napahalakhak naman ako ng malakas sa lovers in pares. Parang sirang sira yung mood. lolz

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    2. you're my home, na kinanta ulit ni maria aragon at ng super favorite mong si angeline quinto. hahah

      di ba ang smart ko ate shy?

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    3. Mots: Ugh, sira na dahil kay pakyukanihao Angeline Quinto.

      Oo, ikaw na ang smart. Pakita mo naman talent mo. Yung kumakatok ka sa pinto na may dalang panseht. lolz

      Delete
    4. iinay! innay! inay? innnnnnnnaaaay! bumili lang ako ng gamot at pagkain, pagbalik ko mas malamig ka pa sa panseeht! with "h" yan ah.

      if i know, manonood ka pa ng movie ni bwakanangnihao angeline quinto!

      Delete
    5. Mots: Best in talent o. lolz

      Ewan ko diyan sa babaeng yan. Is it just me or slightly banlag siya?

      Delete
  3. Eto na naman para na naman akong nagbabasa ng kwento ko na ipinasulat ko sa iba.. Not all tho. I can really relate sa area na, i keep saying im ugly tapos sasabihin ur cute. Duh!.. Bulag ata mga nagkagusto sa akin.... Hahaha...

    Have fun Nyl!..

    JJ

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    Replies
    1. JJ: Matindi ang balik sa pag-emote natin nun! haha Ikaw din, JJ! Have fun parati! :)

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  4. Ang mushy naman nito. Teka, nilalanggam ako.

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    Replies
    1. ShatterShards: Pardonnez moi, monsieur. Minsan lang naman. lolz

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  5. 'big ol’ eyes'...


    hmmm... i know one who has big ol’ eyes...

    hahahaha


    -the geek

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    Replies
    1. Geek: ooh, snetchitey?

      In one of my earlier drafts, it was big brown eyes until I realized it was a scene ripped out of Temptation Island. lolz And I'm not a dawm guuud cruuk. lolz

      Delete
  6. because we all know how much love in the present moment is dependent on how we can control the immediate future by knowing the more distal future.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOF: And yet I only truly felt it... iot really only hit me when I learned to let go of manipulating the future. Everything about my last relationship was planned to the hilt. And when I met someone who I couldn't control, I panicked. lolz

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    2. at least you are aware of it... others (and at times myself) confront my own inner chaos and reach for totalitarian visions of utopia

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    3. LOF: Well, we never stop dreaming of building/shaping/manipulating the future. lolz Maybe it's just who we are?

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  7. Having Pares with someone who means "your home" is really sweet.

    Nyl, ang buhok mo abot makati, natatapakan ko! Haha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Abot Guadalupe pala.... :)

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    2. LJ: Kaya pala medyo masakit ulo ko when I woke up. Ikaw naman pala ang may kasalanan!

      Salamat, LJ. hihi

      Delete
  8. @nyl: first of all, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! *giggles* so ayun, lol napakanta tuloy ako, ala Kirsten Chenoweth sa isang Glee episode:

    Living here, in this brand new world
    Might be a fantasy
    But it taught me to love
    So it's real, real to me

    And I've learned
    That we must look inside our hearts
    To find a world full of love
    Like yours
    Like mine

    Like home...

    Home...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nate: Ikaw na gumigiggles!

      Aww... I love that song. My sister used to sing it all the time. Matanda na ako nung narealize kong di pala siya gawa-gawang song.

      And Cheno rules! :)

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  9. Can I just say "sooo in love"? :P

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    1. Rei: IKR! Sobrang umulan ng keso. Halos di mo siya marecognize from my typically emo posts. lolz

      Delete
    2. Hahaha. Yeah. It's like a completely different person is talking. Oh well, change is constant. What we can only do is embrace it. XD

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    3. Rei: Who are we if we are unable to change? Chos!

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    4. Haha. Was gonna say something witty but can't really think of anything to say. :P

      Delete
    5. Rei: Well, let's hope that wit comes back by the 1st! lolz

      Delete
  10. This is too sweet and sad at the same time...

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    Replies
    1. PinoyBabbler: Hello! Welcome to my blog, Billie! :)

      I get why it's sad. I guess I never really thought I'd find love again (in a hopeless place? chos) so there's that hint of fear in what I wrote. Sorry about that. :p

      Delete
    2. What made me really sad was this: I do not want to say I love you for we know not what the future betrays.

      I don't know. I guess I'm just really hopeful and optimistic about the future.

      But hey, congrats for finding love again. :)

      Delete
    3. PinoyBabbler: It's good that you're hopeful and optimistic! Don't ever lose that. :)

      And thanks for your well wishes. hihi

      Delete
  11. We may not know what the future betrays, but we also don't know what it may affirm. And that is ultimately love's reward.

    You have demonstrated that with your three simple words....... !

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    Replies
    1. Rick: I guess that's why some people call it a gamble. For every hundred times that it fails, there's a slight chance it'll succeed. haha but still, we're addicted to it. :)

      There's this new John Mayer song that i like called A Face to Call Home. I really appreciate that metaphor. Wouldn't it be nice for someone to call you home?

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    2. Uh, it'd be nice for someone to just call me.....! :\

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    3. Rick: Insert vague Carly Rae Jepsen reference here. lolz

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    4. Guffaw!!!! With lyrics like that, it's "Maybe" with a capital "M"!!!!! LOLOLOL!

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    5. Rick: And the music video is deeeee-lish!

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  12. You actually sound ... happy, Nyl. I've almost forgotten how it feels like. The world belongs to the lovers, someone once said. So tonight I'll raise a glass to you my friend. =)

    Kane

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    1. Kane: Thank you for the toast. :) Remember when I told you about him? Feeling ko, if maging sad indie film tong last year of my life, yun na yung denouement nung conflict. haha

      If the world belongs to lovers then we are all part of it. The lover in us never dies. Kasi if it does, that's just sad. Alanis in JLP ang peg? hihi

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    2. Halika na! Pakilala mo na lover mo! =)

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    3. Kane: Haha kung mapalabas natin siya sa lungga niya! He's painfully shy. lolz

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    4. I can find ways to ... uh, open him up? Oh, i meant, make him open up pala! *grins*

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    5. Kane: Paanong open him up? haha parang Dexter ang peg! lolz

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  13. Well, look who's overflowing with tasty, tasty happiness at the Pares Hilton.

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    1. Rudeboy: Oh my dear Rudie... happiness is relative. lolz

      Anong lasa ng happiness? I just know it often smells like bleach. ;p

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    2. Tastes like chicken, Nyl.

      Young, delicious chicken.

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    3. Rudeboy: Owemgee! Baschus!!! *blush*

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  14. I do not want to say I love you for we know not what the future betrays. Instead, I offer three simpler words: you are home. <------ I know the feeling. lolz. happy for you, buoy. xoxo

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    Replies
    1. Spiral: It's strange how the Sex and the City girls were never really all simultaneously happy. I wonder what that means to us emo bloggers? lolz

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    2. Let's hope it means we all eventually become happy at the same time. Hahahaha.

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    3. Spiral: That would be wonderful. Kampay!

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  15. i dont know if im just being hormonal or your posts about love made me feel so emotional and kinda sad because they reminded me of how things used to be.

    but just the same, i may not know you nyl, but i sure am happy for you. gives me a glimpse of hope that someday, i too can have all these again.

    isabelle

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    Replies
    1. Isabelle: Aww.. thanks Isabelle. Maybe it is the hormones. haha

      It's happened before, it'll happen again. With folks like us, the worst thing that can happen is to lose hope.

      Delete
  16. I love this! Yay!!! And the song is really nice. Your last lines are beautiful.

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    1. Amy: I knerrytt! A friend introduced me to The Weepies and I immediately fell in love! :)

      Thanks for dropping by. :P

      Delete
  17. ang ganda ganda ng kanta!

    I also want a date where US are eating Pares. Sweet!

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    Replies
    1. Mr. Chan: Hello! Welcome to this side of ze interweb. lolz Sanay ako sa Twitter lang kita nasisight! :)

      Oo, masarap yan! Tapos after pares, may dessert, may coffee tapos pwedeng may alak tapos lahat lahat! lolz

      Delete
  18. Replies
    1. Dave Pascht: Thanks Dave! And welcome to my blog! :)

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  19. awwww!!!!!!! inggit ako ng bongga!!!!! haha :D
    pero i'm happy for you both!
    basta ha wag kalimutan, flower boy ako sa kasal!
    haha CHOS! :D
    (and super late ko na nabasa ito, sorry naman hehe!)

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    Replies
    1. Sin: Game! Basta naka-Mystica outfit ka ha!

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    2. hindi lang Mystica outift, kundi Mystica ON ICE outfit! hahahaha!! :D
      pero imbes na skates, roller blades nalang. or may lifters. hahaha charot! :D

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    3. Sin: Or ice skates at lifters! Bloody mary ang peg!

      Delete
  20. Replies
    1. Marcus: Aww, thanks Marcus! Mahal ka din ng post na 'to. And a bonggang bonggang welcome to my blog!

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  21. starting to read ur blog friend! i dont know wat to say, but im so proud of you! u should definitely write a book! love u! mwah

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    Replies
    1. Cha: Awww... I love you too, friend. Salamat sa encouraging words mo. :p

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