Tuesday, April 24, 2012

heatstroke

Pinocchio Disclaimer: I’m possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way with any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably do or do not believe this post is a work of fiction, if that indeed is what it isn’t. In short, this was way before we became a couple, Z!!!


An all-expense-paid trip to Boracay. Why would anyone say no? For six whole days, I would have no deadlines to think about, no meetings to attend and most importantly, no love life or other emo thoughts to think over. I could stretch my legs, read a book by the shore, maybe get a tan or something. There was just one catch. It was a family trip which meant I had to butch it up for about a week.

I survived mainly by keeping a low profile, making sure I didn’t ogle too much on the passing shirtless hotnesses. I spoke only when needed and always at a lower key. My voice kept breaking every now and then. At night, I’d lock myself up in my hotel room and listen to gay music, puffing heavily on my e-cigarette. (That’s right. My parents don’t know I smoke either. Sometimes I wonder if they know anything about me. But that’s a completely different post altogether and believe it or not, I actually have a story to tell today.)

The story starts in the middle of day four. My sisters and I were walking along Station 2 when someone suggested we get coffee. The heat was ridiculous and the city girls in us needed a little taste of home. We all knew a couple of overpriced drinks on ice would breathe life into our very bones and so off to Starbucks we went.

The group assembled on the second floor while I was tasked to get the drinks. I took all opportunities to have me-time so even if I had to carry a gazillion drinks up a sandy staircase, I didn’t really mind. The queue was a little long and I was starting to get a little bored until *insert harp strumming here* I saw a man who would change my life forever.

He was standing just a few inches from me. It was his musk that first got my attention. I could smell vanilla with a slight wooden hint mixed with the sweet scent of sweat and sunblock. I looked up to find a tall, white man with curly chestnut hair. His face was full of stubble, like it had been days since he held a razor. His cheekbones looked like they’d been chiseled in and when he spoke, you could see a very light dimple on his left cheek. Now you should know I’m not really into white meat but there was something about this boy that I could not ignore. He wore dusty flip-flops, grey board shorts that dangled amply, and a long-sleeved plaid polo that he’d left unbuttoned. Thank God he left it unbuttoned. I could see his chest. Thought it was a little humble, it looked like it would be a perfect place to rest my head while watching a nice DVD. A mess of curly hair covered his belly and beneath it, you could see the sickest six-pack known to man. I watched as the careless strands dove deeper and deeper and deeeeeeeeper into his shorts.

Suddenly, the islands sounds started to blur away. From far away, a woman begins to sing her song.

Nowhere, yeah we’re going nowhere fast.
Maybe this time, I’ll be yours. You'll be mine.
C-c-crazy, get your ass in my bed.
Baby, you’ll be just my summer boyfriend.

I was still me. I was still in the middle of a crowded Starbucks but it felt like my whole life had just been proven true. It’s like everything that happened before I laid eyes on this Adonis were establishing shots in a silly romantic comedy. In my head, I pictured us running along the beach- line A and line B crossing at a blinding speed. And when we meet at point C, he’d lift me up and we’d turn and laugh like they do in those cheesy 80’s movies. I saw us cuddling, sharing mojitos on the seashore, all the while recounting our lucky stars that conspired and caused us to meet at an unsuspecting café.

Let’s get lost. You can take me home.
Somewhere nice we can be alone.
Bikini tops coming o-o-off.

We’d hold hands in the sunset and he’d kiss me under a coconut tree. I’d tell him how I loved him even before I knew how to love. He’d look me in the eye, a few tears glistening and he’d say…

“Sir? Sir? Sir?!” The barista woke me from my daydream and I was, in equal parts, annoyed and embarrassed. I fished out my mobile phone from my pocket and barked out my drink orders. At the very end, I asked for my usual: an Iced Venti Americano with two pumps of white mocha. Adonis was at the bar waiting for his drinks and I was stuck near the counter, staring, melting, imagining the life we would have together.

In hindsight, I’m guessing it was all the gayness I was repressing. Remember that I’d been butch for almost 100 straight hours (pun fully intended) and I badly needed an outlet. I told myself that if this had happened in Manila, my imagination would not be running that wild. But then I caught another glimpse of this sex on a stick and before I could catch myself, I fell headfirst into another daydream.

We were covered by the blanket of night. The stars were our roof and the sand was our bed. He tore my clothes off as I hurriedly stripped him of his. I ran my hands along his abs, the ridges firm and sharp. In between moans and loud slurping kissing sounds, I could hear the barista recapping my order. His voice sounded like he was underwater. I snapped back to reality momentarily to hand the barista a few crumpled bills from my pocket. I reminded myself that my family was just a few feet away. I could not blow my cover; not after twenty-five years of being safe and snug in their closet. I took one last look at the man who made my blood race as he walked away.

Don’t be sad when the sun goes down.
You’ll wake up and I'm not around.
I’ve got to go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
We’ll still have the summer after all.

---

“Hot ba yung amerikano?” the barista asked. I looked at him and noticed he was smiling a knowing smile. Only then did I realize he was part of the federación. I felt validated; like somehow, I wasn’t the only one appreciating such beauty. I smiled back at him, recalling the smoldering piece of man-candy who was just at the bar, and in the gayest voice I could find, I released all the tension building up in my chest.

“Hot ba yung amerikano? SOOOOBBBBRAAAAAAA!!!” I exclaimed. The beki barista chuckled as he scribbled on my cup.

Segue to fifteen minutes later and my sisters and I were sprawled like cats on the beach. The eldest was enjoying a generous serving of Passion Iced Tea. My second sister was cooling down with a decaf no-whip Caramel Frapuccino. My third sister just finished her sweet Iced Caramel Macchiato. And then there I was, stuck with a drink as hot as the blistering sun.

“What kind of crazy person orders a hot drink on such a hot day?” my third sister crudely asked. The barista and I obviously miscommunicated. While I thought he was remarking at my Adonis, he was actually confirming my drink order. And so in the middle of Boracay, on a day that bordered on 37°, I dug my feet into the sand as I sipped my extra hot Venti Americano with two pumps of white mocha.

“My throat’s acting funny,” I lied in the low voice I use when I speak to family. All the while, my eyes scouted the shoreline for my beautiful boy with the chestnut hair and the sick abs.

♫: Lady GaGa | Summerboy (2008)


The Emo Blogger's Happy Blogging Challenge: Crazy-Happiness

88 comments:

  1. First time to read your post. This is pretty hilarious! =)

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    1. Fam Mam: Hello po! Welcome to my blog! I hope you enjoyed this little break of a post. And I hope you believe me when I say it's not always this gay around here. haha

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    2. Haha, I'll just help myself around. =)

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    3. Fam Mam: Goooooo! haha (parang I have something to prove lang no? lol)

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  2. “Hot ba yung amerikano? Oh yeah, with a green tea slap-a-chino please! And whip on the top!

    You dirty bird you.

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    1. Rick: Sobraaaaaa!!! haha you should've seen him. He'd make both Indigo Girls straight in a heartbeat. lolz

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  3. Replies
    1. Mots: Grabe yung init nung kapeng yun. They even put that little red tape on the lid para sure na sure na di siya lalamig! haha

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  4. "...grey board shorts that dangled amply..."

    Enough said. <3

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    1. Spiral Prince: ooh, spiral likes it dangly! lolz Hoy ano na?! Patay na ba ang EBHBC?

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    2. LOF: Another one of your cryptic grunts? I'm starting to see a pattern here. lolz

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    3. that's actually supposed to be a 'yes' in a knowing way. didn't we have this discussion on another post recently?

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    4. LOF: Yes, we did. I believe it was at the fake blackout poetry post. haha

      and I checked my email. you actually first mhmm-ed me last october. haha it was that sex post I consulted you about. :p

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    5. I guess patay na. BUT I FEEL SO GUILTY. :| Di talaga ako makapagsulat ng matino.

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    6. Especially since Lance sped through it. :o I feel sooooo sooo sooo....*fades*

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    7. Spiral: Soooo....? lolz

      Well, wala naman tayong definite rules about it eh. Take as long as you want. Ako, last 2 na. hahaha

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  5. "I saw a man who would change my life forever." in Hawaii they call that: he lei kaulana 'o sitipui...

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    1. LOF: How cool! Is it a direct translation? If not, what does it translate to? It can be something I can mutter under my breath the next time I'm with le familia. lolz

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    2. actually its an expression referring to the armchair literary criticism i was doing on your writing style but "ua ka'a niniau i ka wili wai" would be a poetic translation of the quote you actually wrote or maybe "kakia kui nao a ke akamai" (i think the first one is better actually)

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    3. LOF: You know I can't really prove or disprove that right? lolz

      I'm not sure it's armchair criticism. haha these days, it's always best to get honest feedback. (Which reminds me, I have to get back to our little discussion in your comments page lolz)

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    4. i meant 'literary criticism' in its technical sense which here i think means feedback which may be why the joke was rendered in an unintelligible language that was lost on everyone but me. good point! lol

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    5. LOF: I think the only reason why I didn't get it is I still don't know what "he lei kaulana 'o sitipui" means haha And google translate isn't helping much (that bastard) lolz

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    6. LOF: Well that makes more sense now. haha the line you first referenced keeps staring at me like I should edit or something.

      sitipui sounds nice. Maybe I should change my URL. lolz

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    7. Wikang Filipino is not the only Austronesian language that has a group of fascists committed to a standardized ABKD orthography (minus the B and D in this case)...

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    8. LOF: I read somewhere that the Hawaiian alphabet only has about 14 letters? Is that right? It's been too long since I taught. I've forgotten my shizz.

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    9. A E I O U ` H K L M N P W, 13 and that's because the glottal stop (`okina) is considered a consonant. Even though its a sound in every Austronesian language, the Spanish fraile that originally devised Latin based writing for our languages didn't see it that way while the American linguists who helped create modern historical linguistics (including the theoretical Austronesian branches Philippine and Polynesian languages belong too) insisted on it to help them track unconditioned phonological changes (and help new learners recognize the difference between words with different glottal stops like 'ae (yes), a'e (directional) and 'a'e (to violate something)) since Tongan used /k/ then it shifted in Samoan (and held in Tahitian and Hawaiian) to a glottal stop only to reappear in New Zealand Maori and Cook Island Maori -- even though the glottal stop was used in another sound set in Tongan (compare Tongan a [to heat up leaves] and 'a [fence]) and new uses in the Maori languages). this is much less of an issue in the older Austronesian languages (Ilokano and other Cordilleran languages) while Tagalog's orthographic/glottal problems are rare (bata vs. bata or tubo vs. tubo, in modern Polynesian orthographies, child would be written bata' and profit tubo' to help learner/readers. and actually as I ramble on in this stream of consciousness comment, it occurs to me that the extensive use of the macron together with a written glottal stop would be able to separate the difference between baga, baga, baga, and baga whereas no there is nothing in writing other than context to indicate what is meant. since the tumor and interrogative marker would get a macron to emphasize the correct stress of the word together with one having a glottal stop and one not, it would likely be more helpful in terms of reading. okay i'm done. lol

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    10. LOF: uhhh... * hemorrhage* lolz

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  6. hot drink on such a hot day = not a good move.

    Well, ish happens, hahahaha! Ganun din siguro ako pag hot yung amerikano. hahaha

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    1. LJ: Natuwa naman ako sa "ish" happens. Parang R&B song lang.

      Hay naku no! Sobrang init yun pero tiis ganda nalang talaga. Panindigan na ang dapat panindigan.

      Speaking of coffee... kelan na tayo magkakape? aber aber aber...

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    2. Hmm... Will be in Nasugbu this weekend, hmm... maybe next week? Friday or Saturday?

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    3. LJ: sushal! Ikaw na! Pa-beach beach nalang. I am so envious right now.

      (Wait. tama ba? Beach yung nasugbu as in batangas, right?)

      sige next weekend nalang at may date din kami ni z. mukhang sasabunin pa ako nun for writing this post. haha pakiusapan mo naman. :S

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  7. oh my gosh, nyl!

    first up, the disclaimer.. bentang-benta.. ahahaha!

    next, could you have this recorded please? lol :P --- and in the gayest voice I could find, I released all the tension building up in my chest.
    “Hot ba yung amerikano? SOOOOBBBBRAAAAAAA!!!” I exclaimed.

    a really nice post, nyl. 'twas a fun read. :)

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    1. Nate: I'm such a fan of the entire Shrek series. I was always just waiting for a chance to use the Pinocchio line! lolz

      As for recording it... I was thinking about it kaso mauubos ganda ko! haha

      Salamat for appreciating it. haha ganyan ang peg ko ngayon. very very light lang. lolz

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  8. OM. I have these moments everytime my kababata is around. It's funny reading something that you can actually relate to ng bonggels, Hahaha.

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    1. Rei: Oooh... the kababata! I'm glad you were able to relate. lolz

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    2. And the I love the way you wrote it Nyl. You make drooling over men legitimate. LOL :P

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    3. Rei: I never saw it that way lolz Ako na ang nagpapa-legitimate!

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    4. Hahah. Oh come on! It's not bad to think of someone like that unless you let him know and get a punch in your face, otherwise, it's all fine XD

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    5. Rei: Ouch naman sa punch in the face. haha I hope you're not speaking from experience.

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  9. I so love the SOBRA way of saying it. yun nga lang, na miss interpret pla ni ka-fed ang sinabi mo. hahahaha..

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    1. Tim: Truttt! Haha to be fair, the barista was kinda cute too. Na-overshadow lang siya talaga ni Adonis. haha

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  10. oh nyl... i was smiling all the way from point A to point B to point C!

    you should write more of this theme... :)


    -the geek

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    1. Geek: Haha humor blogger na ang bago kong peg? Ang laki naman nung talon from my usual posts. lolz pero I'm guessing I'll have little stories like this every now and then. May pagka-malas din kasi ako sa mga ganito. haha

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  11. just made my day nyl.lol
    -darc_d

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    1. Darc: Uuuuuyyy!!! Super long time no hear! Salamat naman at it made your day. I just felt bonggang bonggang validated. lelz

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    1. Yohan: IKR! Who doesn't? Me thinks she sounds a little like Gwen here. This was before she really had a solid image so it's fun to hear relics like this. haha

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  13. nyl!!! ikaw talaga, kakatawa ka. sobraaaaa! hahaha!

    good to see you're back. :)

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    1. Aris: And I'm happy to be back. Sobrang saglit lang naman nung pagkawala ko. haha Mas exciting ang pagbabalik mo! Balita ko in love ka ha! :p

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    2. nainggit lang ako sa'yo kaya ginaya kita. haha!

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    3. Aris: Haaay... ang pag-ibig nga naman! lolz I'm so looking forward to a sugary sweet Aris. I'm sure this new relationship will do wonders to your writing!

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  14. hahaha! hilarious! ini-imagine ko ang eksena sa counter with that SOOOOBBBBRAAAAAAA!!! hahaha

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    1. Pepe: Ang wagas nung delivery ko. You should've seen my face when I saw the drink he made for me. Sobrang nakakaloka!

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    2. wagas delivery as in tirik mata, nakatingala pa ng slight, pabagsak ang balikat at sabay may padyak, ganyan? FTW!

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    3. Pepe: Kurek! Parang naghahanap talaga ng tagumpay kung maka-FTW!

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    1. James: Kurek! Nainis nga si Z sakin when I posted this. haha

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  16. this is so funny!

    um, can i ask you something?

    until now, your family doesnt have any idea that you're gay?

    isabelle

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    1. Isabelle: I'm sure they have an idea pero it's unspoken. They've never asked, I've never told! Parang army diba? lolz

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    2. oo nga naman, need to know basis lang, hehe.

      with this entry and replies from all the comments, validated na talaga, you're sooo in love and happy. and its nice:)

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    3. Isabelle: Awww... thanks! I really am in love and happy. I just have to make sure I don't fuck this up like how I've been known to do. haha

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    4. in think in the US they call this the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. lol

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    5. LOF: Kurek! haha Very Lady GaGa if you ask me. :p

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  17. ayos Nyl blogger ka pa din pala! Ngayon ko lang nakita to blog page mo. Follow kita :) galing galing talaga oh... Imy! See you around!

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    1. Mikoyization: Oh wow! Super long time no hear/read/speak/lahat na! It took me a while to figure out who you were. Big time ka na pala! lolz Si Migoy ay blogger din ha. lolz

      Kamusta na?

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    2. Oh Nyl you're still my mentor at crushee haha! Ay naku haven't heard from him since forever. LOL. Oh well start ulit ako ng pag-blog, someone hacked my account eh :( Regards kay Lea, Apol, Belly, Juber. My mentors :) Shot na!

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    3. Mikoyization: Pwede bang mentor nalang? Wag na crushee! lolz lason yun!

      I last saw Migoy at http://tioki.blogspot.com/ pero ang alam ko lumipat siya. Baka nag-tumblr na si loko. lolz

      Shot!

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  18. Very strong disclaimer there, hehe. Uuuy, defensive :D

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    1. Andy B: Alam mo naman, mahirap na ano. haha Plus I love love love Pinocchio! :)

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  19. i enjoyed reading this... thanks Nyl!...

    come here, i will introduce you to them... a lot of them... hahaha... especially now that spring is here and summer is soon. dami na namang nakadisplay. hahaha...

    JJRod'z

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    1. JJRod'z: Oo nga pala, no? Tiba tiba ka diyan! :p Sige, mag-ear mark ka na ng mga papable tapos kilatisin natin. lolz

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  20. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. OC lang sa spelling. Hahaha. Kaingget, all parts of it! The American guy, the beach, the expense-free vacation. Ikaw na! :)

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    2. Green Breaker: Haha ikaw na ang OC. haha

      I didn't really enjoy that much kasi pigil. I imagined what it would be like if I had gone there with my gay friends. Saya siguro mag-boy watch!

      And no, I didn't find what I was looking for there. Andito pala siya sa maynila. lolz

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  21. You have successfully made me laugh!!! The alibi for the drink is soooooo funny!!!! Hahahaha!!!

    Try white meat once. I can tell :))

    I sounded like one of those Olongapo girls. hahaha!!!

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    1. Gervin: Ikaw na ang Olongapo girl. haha I'm glad I was able to make you laugh. Masaya din itong break from emo-emohan!

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  22. This is a good summer break from your usual serious, tear-jerkers. I enjoyed everything down to the last detail. ^_^

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    1. Wunderful Wizard: Ooh, a fresh face! hehe Yes, masaya talaga mag-deviate paminsan minsan ano.

      Welcome to my blog! :)

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  23. Lately, I'm wondering what a hot Americano would taste like, slowly guiding the hot stuff you're holding with both hands to your mouth, enjoying it little by little. And then plunging full on, letting the heat cover my whole mouth, my throat. But I swore off coffee for the time being, and my cafe americano days would have to wait indefinitely.

    Nakaka-inggit naman ang all-expense-paid trip to Boracay. Sana may nagbibigay din sa akin ng ganiyang treat! hahaha!

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    1. ShatterShards: inaantok na ako sa office when I read your comment. can I just say na nagising ako ng bonggang bongga? xerex, isdatchu?

      So that explains why you had that frilly mango thing when we had coffee. haha

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    2. Whaaaat? I was just describing the act of drinking coffee, what's wrong with that? haha!

      And yes, that's why I bought the ice blended thingie when we met the last time. :-)

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    3. ShatterShards: Ikaw na ang pa-innocent! lolz

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  24. what a hilarious story!

    I liked it a lot!

    : )

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    1. Ers: Why hello there! Welcome to my blog! :)

      It was a lot of fun! :p

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