Wednesday, March 28, 2012

how to create a citybuoy blog post (or how I became the poster boy for emo)

Step 1: Choose a theme. Feel free to choose from the following. They’ve gotten me through the last few hundred posts.
  1. You are extremely unhappy with your love life because
    1. You are dating someone who is emotionally unavailable.
    2. You are dating someone who is in love with someone else.
    3. Your ex keeps haunting your dreams.
    4. You are dating someone who is generally fucked up (but you lahvett)
  2. You are extremely unhappy with how your life turned out because
    1. Your mother/father/brother/sister/how do you brush your teeth? is emotionally unsupportive.
    2. You were never able to reach for your dreams.
    3. You are crippled with the past and how things were easier then.
    4. You have writers block and your stories are starting to haunt you.
    5. You feel fat/stupid/ugly/all of the above.
  3. You are extremely unhappy in general because
    1. The world is out to get you.
    2. Nothing goes your way.
    3. Nobody loves you.
    4. Even you hate yourself.

Step 2: Establishing shots. Always use your current surrounding (this is also why *where* you write is very important). Now make the scene darker. Now imagine that it’s raining. Now imagine that you’re balled up in a little corner with your arms around your knees and you’re rocking gently back and forth. You there yet? Good. Now describe small details before “zooming out” to the bigger ones. In other words, write like an ant.

Step 3: Conversing conversationally. Make your characters talk. Use a lot of adjectives in your dialogue. Use a lot of adverbs in your attributions. When you can’t think of any lines, feel free to borrow from movies or songs. I promise you. No one will even notice. Also, try putting two physical things and one metaphorical thing in the same sentence (eg. I handed him my bag, my coat, and all the love my little heart could give.) They’ll be shitting rainbows on your serial comma.

Step 4: Emotional equivalent of an a-bomb. Many thanks to ןıuǝ oɟ ɟןıƃɥʇ for coining the term. Think of a really sappy line. Now add the following:
  1. Mozzarella
  2. Cheddar
  3. Feta
  4. Brie
  5. Camembert
  6. Edam
  7. Monterey jack
  8. Parmesan
  9. That quezo de bola from two Christmases ago.
Note: Position these carefully. They’re best placed in unsuspecting paragraphs.

Step 5: Who you calling an idiom? Each post needs at least one idiom. Not only will this make you look smart, it will also make the plot easier to contain since most idioms have a pretty long back story anyway. For more information, click here.

Step 7: Write the tragic ending. Short version: you always end up alone. Bonus points if you have any of the following in the final paragraph:
  1. An epiphany.
  2. A renewed sense of optimism.
  3. A reworked version of the lead sentence (also known as the Taylor Swift final chorus).
  4. Emotional equivalent of an a-bomb.
  5. An open question (This rocks the foshizzle out of your comments page. It gives people something to say other than “nice story” or “I love the structure of this post.”)

Step 8: Kudakan. Tie the whole thing together using media.
  1. Locate a melancholy picture. When all else fails, go to deviantART and search for the word “sad” under “Photography.”
  2. Lomofy the shit out of that picture. Rotate, crop and scale to 620 x 220.
  3. Choose a song. Anything by an angry/depressing singer-songwriter will do. If all else fails, Google your theme with the word “lyrics” and feast on the first search results page.
  4. Use the following code to post the picture and embed the song:

Let's try it!!!

night swim



“Why is this lake salty?” he asked. His teeth chattered while he spoke. Truth is, I’d done all I could to avoid him. It’s in these dreams I have of him where his memory refuses to die. And so although my waking life is rid of him, my dreams have always held him every night since the day he left.

“Let’s go for a swim,” I said hurriedly, my breath fogging up from the cold. In this dream, we are at the lake house where I first dared to call him my own. I unbuttoned my shirt and stripped to my underwear.

“It’s freezing,” he wistfully retorts, his puny arms shivering. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“With us, are there ever any good ideas?” He took off his shirt and lay on the grass by the lake. I sat down beside him, feeling the dampness of the earth seeping through my nakedness. He continued to strip and made neat piles of our clothing. I glanced as he removed his underwear, feeling my erection snake from underneath. I took his hand and under the moonlight in the shrill cold of that November night, we went into the water.

I held his face, my hands fumbling through his dark eyes, his sharp nose, his crooked mouth. I ran my fingers through his hair like a comb. As we kissed, I began to push his head down the water. We both knew what was coming.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked just before his mouth disappeared into the water.

“Because I need to keep living. Because I want to give myself fully to my new lover. Because your memory still haunts me when I sleep.”

“Then let go,” he said and so I did. He submerged his head under the water on his own. I could still see his under the haunting moonlight, telling me he understood why I needed to kill him. A few moments later, he let out a few bubbles. Then I saw a flash of panic in his eyes. One more thing, they said and it was clear he wasn’t going without a fight. I placed both hands on his head again. He flinched a little as he tried to make his way back up. His arms and legs waved frantically underwater. I firmly pressed both down on his head. I felt his claws hard on my body. I knew for sure he’d taken some of my flesh under his nails.

When he’d left, I emerged from the water and walked back to where we left our clothes. I put on my pants, lit a cigarette and prayed the worst was over. I fished out a flask from his back pocket and after taking a swig, I poured the rest of the vodka on his clothes. I flicked my cigarette into the pile and watched the whole thing burn.

“Why is this lake salty?” he asked. His teeth chattered while we spoke. We are at the lake house where I first dared to call him my own.

In the pale moonlight, under the roof of stars, in the water that held both our beating hearts, I whispered my response. “Because we’re swimming in all the tears I couldn’t cry for you.”

I’ve done many things in my life. I’ve reached many highs and survived countless lows. On lonely nights when I wake up from nightmares of him, drenched in sweat, tears and regrets, I often wonder if we ever truly forget.

♫: Alanis Morissette | 8 Easy Steps (2002)
Photo: sad / pixlr.com



The Emo Blogger's Happy Blogging Challenge: Vanity
  • ןıuǝ oɟ ɟןıƃɥʇ: Vanity, A Series
  • citybuoy: how to create a citybuoy blog post (or how I became the poster boy for emo)

67 comments:

  1. LOL! great start for my summer reading. :-)

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    1. John Chen: Thanks! haha wouldn't it be cool if adults had summer vacation too? Maybe then we can finally do that thing we keep saying we'll do. :p

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  2. i couldn't get the
    rusalka
    imagery out of my head while reading the post.

    p.s. it's hard to blow under the water. you have to fight against bouyancy. but don't take it from me. sabi lang yun sa akin lolz

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    1. Ternie: Thanks for the link. I initially had Empress Schuck in mind. Ako na ang hindi cultured. haha

      At akala ko ba dalisay, etc ka! haha I cannot believe you thought he was blowing him. haha and reading it now, I see how my exaggerated post could be interpreted that way (?) lol or manyakis ka lang talaga. hahaha :)

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  3. sobrang tawa ko dito. "Locate a melancholy picture. When all else fails, go to deviantART and search for the word “sad” under “Photography.”

    at siyempre sinave ko ang tips, magawa nga minsan ito.

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    1. LJ: May mga hindi pa nga ako na-include in the interest of brevity. Like how you can rearrange the paragraphs and have people comment on how well-structured the post is. haha

      I'd love to see the tips in action. And I'm loving how free it feels to make fun of yourself haha

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  4. I love the structure of this post. :/

    No, really, though, there are a couple of lines that need revision: "I took his hand and under the moonlight in the shrill cold of that November night, we went into the water. I glanced as he removed his underwear, feeling my erection shrivel into a teeny, wrinkled nutsack....."

    An erection in a shrill cold November lake? Just imagine how many ways the ending could be changed to this story and how much "efficient agony" could be written into the epilogue!

    (sorry. couldn't resist...)

    Rick

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    1. Rick: So your comment was the first I read upon waking up and I was like whuuuuut? I actually said that? *scroll up scroll up*

      Damn you! haha but that was rather entertaining. Do you want to know something terrible? This was in the first draft:

      "...in the shrill cold of that November night, we went into the water.

      It really was a bad idea. I felt my balls shrivel almost instantly. My nipples hurt from the cold but I still felt it was worth it. We had each other, we had the stars as our roof and we had the lake. Everything felt felt infinite. I was infinite and at that moment, I could do anything. I waded over to where he stood and ran my fingers through his hair."

      So you weren't that far off! haha This was one of many drafts for the EBHBC theme A Criminal Mind. It just didn't go anywhere since it kept trying too hard. ;)

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  5. Thanks for the tips Nyl. To be honest, I've been so jealous of the songs you post here and I've always wanted to do it too, kaya lang di ko talaga ma-figure out kung paano. Hahaha. Kaya thank you ng bonggels bonggels.

    And about the post, akala ko "A Criminal Mind". Sorry ha, I have to first understand why it's under vanity?

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    1. Oh crap. I just realized it Nyl. Hahahaha. Ikaw na! Bow! And i think you hit two birds with one stone here.

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    2. Rei: Natawa naman ako. Actually, night swim was going to be part of a criminal mind but I scrapped it. haha parang na-OAhan ako and it wasn't going the way i wanted it to go. lolz I think I came out with hearing that week instead. :)

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    3. Good thing you had a back up post or sth. Hoho. :)

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    4. Rei: Straight to hell? lolz Well that audio post was in the works naman talaga. I wanted to wait till I got to that EBHBC theme kaso I couldn't wait na. haha

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  6. I have always, always believed in your propensity towards funny. LOL. Write more stuff like this! :)

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    1. Victor: aww... Well I'm pretty off the mark if I want to give Glenn a run for his money. Lolz do you see how the first part of the post looks like something you'd see in your blog? I think it's the whole self-deprecating angle. Ikaw na ang influential.

      Let's meet na this weekend please? It's been too long. :(

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  7. Okay yung shriveling balls ah. That phrase hits you like a bucket of cold lake water on a November night. :D

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    1. Drew: ooh, I haven't seen you 'round here in a while. :) yes, that paragraph needs to burn. Thank God for editing! Haha

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  8. pangarap mo to nyl. alam ko. ang ibahagi ang nalalaman mo. sinimulan mo kay carlo, ngayon dito..damang-dama ko. hahah :))

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    1. Mots: Alam mo yan! haha papalitan ko na nga yung occupation ko sa Blogger profile ko. haha

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    2. suportahan ko tong post na to. lol

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    3. Mots: Oo na, ito na ang nilangaw. haha Magbbloghop nga ako this weekend. Baka nagtatampo na mga tao. ^_^

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    4. pinaparinggan mo ba ko sa pagbobloghop? lol

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    5. Mots: Hindi no! Totoo na ako ang nagkukulang. 225 na kaya unread ko sa Google Reader! o_0

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  9. Mozzarella isn't salty though. But cheese does feel salty even if it isn't. What am I talking about? Cheers Nyl for another brilliant 'emo' material.

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    1. Peter: True but it's super stretchy! (ano daw?) I think I was just recalling random types of cheese from memory. haha I had to check how camembert was spelled though.

      Brilliant? Not sure about that. I've been backreading and man, I sell a lot of cheese no? haha

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  10. Otherwise Known As: Plagiarizing Citybuoy

    Ang taray nito, city ha. ;)

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    1. Spiral: Idadagdag ko ba sa title? 16 words na yan eh. haha

      Feeling ko medyo warped na humor ko. Buti naman hindi siya masyadong naging weird. lolz

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    2. ya know Nyl, in a veeeeery distant permutation, dryness can be construed from this post. daba? ;)

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    3. Spiral: Kailangan i-lotion! haha If you think about it, lahat naman tayo may patterns. It's just that no one's mean enough to call us on it. lolz

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    4. of course tayong lahat may patterns! ahihihihi. ikaw naman. :p

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    5. Spiral: So kung ganun, ano ang pattern mo? lolz

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    6. Soliloquys on futility and isolation each time I am deprived of sleep? :))

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    7. Spiral: we could call it futile isolations of the insomniac! Lolz

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  11. Hi Nyl, it was nice that you post this. ^_^ I used some of your tips and created a story myself. hehe

    You have a great weekend.

    -Rowell

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    1. Rowell: Oh cool! I'll go check it out. Grabe, sobrang napabayaan ko na ang pagb-bloghop ko. hehe

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    2. lol. no, it's not meant for public reading. I just meant thank you that it helped me and kinda encouraged me to create a story based on your tips.

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    3. Rowell: Awww... well they weren't real tips. I was just goofing around. But I'm glad I was able to help! lolz

      And when you decide to put the story up for public consumption, lemme know! :)

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  12. natawa ako sa step by step instructions!!!! kaloka!!!

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    Replies
    1. Gervin: Ganun talaga. haha I've been wanting to parody myself for the longest time. Di ko lang naantay ang April Fools!

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  13. You're a genius dear! Keep it up. :)

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    1. Leo: And you, my dear are generous with your compliments. Many thanks from the heart of my bottom. :p

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  14. i just realized how i no longer know how to write a story. :( palong-palo yung a-bomb lolz

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    1. Yohan: You? Forget how to write a story? How is that possible? Lolz perhaps it's like writing a bike. But then again, ako 'tong trying to finish a story I started writing 7 months ago. lolz

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    2. i just can't anymore. i start with a sentence and then i try to narrow it further and i end up writing a poem. and then i'll notice how crappy it is so i'll just scrap the whole thing. haha. you don't wanna give up on that? haha

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    3. Yohan: Deimn.. baka dry spell lang. Usually happens to me when I'm supressing a lot of feelings. Meron bang mga nagtatagong kalansay sa iyong apardor, hijo? lolz

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  16. Replies
    1. Philippines Wedding Information: Me too! And welcome to my blog! :)

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  17. Finally, I'll be citybuoy. Hey, can we just say that the lake is salty because everyone else is swimming on it? Hahaha. I kid. =)

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    1. Joe: Natawa naman ako. Pwede rin why is the water warm? Kasi naihi yung isa! lolz

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    2. The water is salty and frothy because we came to the beach. Bow.

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    3. Spiral: And what did we do in the water? haha

      Sin: Ikaw ha, anong iniisip mo? charut!

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    4. you guys came nga!!!! hahaha ang halaaaaaayyyy!! :D
      (note to self: Good Friday, Good Friday, Good Friday... haha)

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    5. Sin: Good job, hijo! Holy week na holy week!

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    6. Hahaha! You guys have crazy ideas. :P

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    7. Green Breaker: ^ This comment is so virginal! Aylahvet! lolz

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  18. as soon as i was reading "night swim" i was really waiting for the cheeses! "where the fuck is my Edam!?!?!!???" hahaha chos lang :D

    ikaw na ang vain! haha! :)

    but i like this ah! at least magkaka-rule book na ang mga gustong gayahin ka! wahaha charot! :D

    and about why the lake is salty?
    remember your tita (i think, with the tubol thing?) s'ya makakapagsabi kung bakit maalat ang lake na yan! hahaha :D

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    1. Sin: Andiyan yung edam! haha May mas chi-cheesy pa ba sa “Because we’re swimming in all the tears I couldn’t cry for you”? lolz

      At wala naman atang gagaya sa 'kin. I am but a dot on the constellation that is the blogosphere. Char

      At totoo na 'to. Maalat yung tubig dahil NATAE AKO SA LAKE!

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    2. waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! si tita tubooooooool!!!! wahahahahahaaaaa :D

      and yeah cheesy nga s'ya, at gusto ko yang line na yan ah! at echos ko lang yung pag-hahanap kay Edam haha :D

      (parang gusto ko ang Edam. parang Adam lang na pumapatol sa kapwa Adam. hahaha charot!)

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    3. Sin: Kaloka ka naman! Ikaw na! Parang combination siya ng Eden at Adam. So wala talaga si Eve? lolz

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  19. OMG! This made me laugh! Hook, line and sinker. Totally emo :). I feel all confused laughing at the advice and then reading a rather disturbing love story :)!

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    1. Amy: Well, I believe that was the point! haha the disturbing love story was to be included in EBHBC but for a different theme. In the end, I just called a spade a spade and said this isn't something I'm seeing seriously. haha

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  20. Replies
    1. LOF: Ooh, someone's catching up. lolz

      Yes, I'm sure we've all had that horrendous red ball in our respective fridges. lolz once you nuke 'em though, they're actually pretty nommy with sky flakes. :)

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    2. short term effects, pulmonary disease; long term effects, cardiovascular disease. lol

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    3. LOF: Yeowch! Furrealz? And all I was thinking was how stretchy it was and how the saltiness was just right!

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