Monday, February 13, 2012

irresistible


I could tell you the story in person but even if I did, you probably wouldn’t believe me. The English language has a gazillion words, a bazillion adjectives and adverbs but even if I put all of them together, it wouldn’t even come close to describing what really happened. I’m trying of course and that’s the whole point of this thing. I may not have a diverse vocabulary and I’ve been told I curse too much but if there’s something you must know about me, I try and fuck do I try hard.

I remember the first time I saw Kim. She sat beside me in third period and I remember how she smelled just like vanilla. We all wore the same blue jumper dress hybrid to school but she somehow managed to look leagues better than the rest of us. Her tits looked perky no matter what she wore and when she laughed, it seemed like the world was in sweet slow motion. I wanted her badly, so much that I began to resent her. How could someone have it so easy? How could something so beautiful ever be genuine?

I’d go through phases where I’d despise her and then it would feel like I loved her so much I wanted to cry. I’d sketch her endlessly at the back of various notebooks. One day, one of her friends saw what I was doodling and she immediately recognized who it was. Dike!!! she yelled and suddenly the whole school had their eyes on me. She held my drawing up for everyone to see. I wanted to plant a fist in the middle of her made-up face but the desire for the ground to swallow me was stronger. Cheeks flushed, I swept all my things into my backpack and prepared to make a run for it. I had my eyes on the linoleoum. I didn’t want them to see I was crying. I wasn’t gonna give them the fucking distinction. I moved quickly, my drawings a little messy in my arms. I barely had any time to notice the chair that was in my way. With a loud thud, I fell to the floor. My sketches flew up in the air and this only fueled the assholes more. They took some loose ones and in the chorus of oohs, aahs and off-key Indigo Girls renditions, there was Kim holding one of my more recent drawings.

“Is this me?” she asked, a smile on her face. I nodded. Her eyes stayed locked on the frail sheet of paper. When I came to, I grabbed what I could and ran home.

Mother was in the living room when I arrived. She immediately noticed something was wrong with me. She kept asking me what was up and why I was home early. I locked myself in my room and started playing loud music. No one would get it. Not even her. I was mortified. That much was true. But there was also a part of me that was ecstatic that we spoke. It was like fire and ice, heaven and hell, and I’d do it all again if that meant looking into her eyes as she spoke to me.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong? Open the door,” Mom yelled. I continued to ignore her. When I heard the jingling of the keys, I leapt from my seat to block the door.

“What the fuck, mom? Get out!” I yelled.

“What are you doing in there? Did something happen in school?”

“Nothing, mom. Leave me alone!” A few seconds passed and I could still hear her breathing from behind the door.

“I worry about you sometimes,” she began. “You were always such a sweet girl. I don’t know what happened to my sweet little girl.”

I cradled my head in my hands and started crying. I wanted to know the same thing, too. Whatever happened to my mother’s sweet little girl? She sure isn’t here.

---

I couldn’t sleep that night. Aside from that thing with mom, I kept thinking about those few seconds I got to spend with Kim. I booted my computer and started opening her Facebook page. I couldn’t be with her but for these few minutes online, I felt like a part of her was with me. I guess this is the part where it starts to get weird. At the bottom right of one of her album’s pages was an ad for love potions. I don’t remember what came over me but within seconds, I was browsing their page. A few minutes later, I was ordering shit from them using my mom’s credit card.

They call it a startup kit. You don’t really need to be a genius to put it together. There was a metal kettle thing that attached to a tealight assembly. There were packages that I should only open once the “ceremony” starts. It had fucked up contents too. One had full moon dew, another had crushed bird bones and there was one that looked like that jelly thing they put in orchids. I wasn’t sure if it was legit but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try.

It’s all based on this legend of a woman who married into royalty. She took the bones of the winged and brought it to life with the dew of the first full moon. She drew first blood and cleansed it under blessed flame. When all was done, she stirred it into the tears of the innocent and she became irresistible to him. Irresistible. I’d give anything to be irresistible. There was just one thing that stood in the way. I didn’t have Kim’s blood.

We shared a class on Tuesday mornings. That was surely the way to get her blood but what could I do to get a sample without causing unwanted attention. I don’t think the class would react well if I suddenly cut the prom queen in broad daylight. I was thinking of other options when a conversation from two rows behind me caught my attention. They were talking about Kim, about the stain of blood that was forming on her dress. Somebody told her about it. She looked embarrassed and excused herself from the teacher. I took it as my cue.

I followed her into the restroom. We sat in adjacent stalls. I was as quiet as a mouse as I listened for footsteps in the hall. When she’d changed, she washed her hands and left. I quickly crept into the next stall and retrieved the tampon from the waste bin. I put it in a ziplock and went back to class. The rest of the day felt like honey dripping slowly. I couldn’t wait to get home. I could almost hear her heart beating from the tampon in my bag. I was gonna be irresistible to her. It was only a matter of time.

---

That night, I put all of the ingredients together. You start with the jelly thing. I think it’s meant to put the whole thing together. Next would be the bird bones. They intentionally left some bigger chunks because some of it had to be freshly crushed. I started pounding it with a history textbook and I emptied the sachet’s contents onto the jelly. I lit the tealight and the gunk started melting into this green ooze. I took some vapor rub and put it under my eyes so I’d start crying. That hurt like a motherfucker. I cried into the metal container and I mixed it with the moon dew thing. Finally, I took the tampon from my backpack. I know it’s not the best blood source but it was all I could get. It was already getting a little dry but I managed to squeeze a few drops into the receptacle. It started emitting this strange odor. I’m not exactly sure what happened next. I woke up the next day on my bedroom floor with blood in my hands.

School passed without much incident. I saw Kim a few times but she barely even looked at me. I did not become irresistible, that was apparent. The whole thing was just some elaborate hoax, I guess aimed at pathetic teenagers like me. I needed to be alone so I sat at the chapel steps when everyone left. I thought about the past few days, the bloody tampon I treasured like an idiot, the pungent smell that came over me last night, the gloomy weather that followed me around all day. I was mulling over these things when I heard a familiar voice.

“Dike.” What a hateful word. It was that cunt from the cafeteria. She was walking with Kim to the parking lot. “Look, there’s that dike who’s got it in for you.”

The next few seconds buzzed by so quickly, I needed time to wrap my head around it. Kim slapped her friend for calling me a dike. She told her to walk home and that she didn’t want to be friends with bullies. Her friend looked horrified, half from the slap, half from the humiliation. Bitch, she muttered as she walked away. I watched all this from the background wondering what Kim’s game was. Could I have been mistaken? Did the potion work after all?

“Sorry about that,” she said. “Teenagers. We’re such idiots.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not. You shouldn’t have to be. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.” I smiled at her and for the first time in years, my smile felt real and shit.

“You’re Lisa, right? We have math together on Tuesdays.”

“Yes. And you’re Kim.”

“Well Lisa, would you like me to bring you home? My car’s just over there.” It was getting dark but her powder blue Volks somehow managed to glow from a few feet away.

We were quiet on our way home. She had a Cranberries record playing on her stereo. A Carpenters cover came up and it just felt right to sing along. That’s how we passed the time. We strangely both knew the lyrics by heart. I didn’t want that moment to end but as she pulled up to my curb, I knew the night was coming to a close.

“So, I’ll see you at school tomorrow,” she said. Her eyes looked huge and I felt weak. “And if you ever tell anyone about our Carpenters thing, I’m gonna kill you.” She chuckled and it felt like my heart was gonna burst.

---

I somehow knew even before all this, from the minute I woke up with the bloody tampon in my hand, I knew things were gonna be different. I looked the same, smelled the same, spoke the same but something inside me was different. Even mother noticed. She gave me a kiss when I came in and just for the heck of it, I let her awkwardly hug me.

“There’s my little girl,” she said, muffled from our embrace. “I knew she was in there somewhere.”

I smiled. In my head, I could hear Kim’s sweet voice singing. I felt wet just thinking about it.

“A mother’s job is to worry,” she said when we broke our embrace. She had her eyes fixed on one of the lamps. “Remember that night we were driving home from the hospital when that doctor said you weren’t gonna get any better and you jumped out of the car and started running? I ran so hard that day looking for you, screaming your name, asking you to come home.”

I looked at her, surprised at how frank she was being, at how casually she brought it up. “Well sweetie, most days, it feels like we’re still running.”

“I don’t think you have to worry about me anymore,” I said. She looked up from where she sat and wiped tears with the back of her hand. I thought of Kim. The way she stood up for me, the way her eyes looked when she brought me home, even the way she said goodbye to me like she was trying to be tough and stuff.

“You don’t need to worry anymore because I think I just made a friend.” Mom hugged me once more, this time a little tighter and I knew that from then on, the days were going to be much easier.

♫: The Cranberries | (They Long to Be) Close to You (1994)


The Emo Blogger's Happy Blogging Challenge: Madness

40 comments:

  1. For some reason, I am having a sort of orgasm for being the first one to comment. Hahaha

    This thing happened to me. Seriously.I mean, it was the height of my Wiccan obsession and I had a really huge crush on the cutest boy in school. But he didn't know I existed. I found a spell on the Internet and tried it, and—surprise!—it didn't work. Haha

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    1. Adaptedboy: Wiccan obsession, you say? I don't know much about the sruff hence the bluffing in this post pero I'm fascinated by the culture.

      First one to comment? haha You get a prize! :)

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  2. ..and this is citybuoy's entry for The Emo Blogger's Lengthy Post Challenge este happy pala hahah

    :) peace nyl

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    1. Mots: I think that's why this took so long. I struggled with getting the word count down. Believe it or not, this was one of the shorter versions of the story. lol

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  3. “A mother’s job is to worry” - my mom scratched that out of her job description during the years when my brothers and I were growing up so she could have a good night's sleep and preserve her sanity. lols

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    1. ^Travis: Good for her! lol All my conflict was internal so my mom never had to do anything like this. It was yet another struggle to commit this to paper because I felt I was just making things up without the emotional requisite. Blah blah blah, I'm babbling.

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  4. they always say gays are the biggest drama queens, that is until you hang out with lesbians long enough...

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    1. LOF: I think lezzie drama is so different. I'm not quite sure how to describe it. You'd think we'd have similar issues but their attack on drama is so different, at times it's amusing.

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    2. LOF: Diction issues on my side. haha Perhaps it's how masculine the external is yet the internal is unmistakenly feminine. Or maybe I'm just pulling it out of my ass. lolz

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    3. well, from my own experience, i never really saw how deep the bottomless abyss of vengeance went until i saw a lesbian friend of free fall into its depths... so i'm just emphasizing my own stereotypes. lol

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    4. LOF: But i always believed vengeance to be internal, free from influence of gender or norms. some people have it, some people don't. and because i'm so soft-spoken, i'm not the least bit vengeful. lolz

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  5. Hm..I wonder if that spell works on boys. Haha. I feel uncomfy now that we're talking about girls.,

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    1. Rei: I was afraid the girl angle would put people off.

      Truth is, I'm not even sure if the spell worked or not. Maybe Kim was just super nice. haha

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    2. Well it did work. It's just that I'm not really comfortable with, you know, girl on girl action. I mean.. it's not that I have anything against lesbians..It just makes me uncomfortable. :D

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    3. Rei: I've been thinking about this, particularly on my way home this morning. I wondered if it would make a difference if we had two boys like what I usually write instead of two girls like what we have here. I'm just not sure if the mother angle would still fly. Essentially, that was meant to take center stage anyway. I'm conflicted. haha

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    4. Then I would've given it a standing ovation, to be honest. You know how much I like boys better.

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    5. Rei: Interesting.. haha well, like I said to Mike, the muses may abandon me again one day and I'd be stuck rewriting old stories. This is way up there in my list of stories to reimagine, along with my jejenese cinema story. haha

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    6. Hahah. I long for that fateful day when that jejenese story meets the light of standard language. But I like this one as is. It's like a blue gem in a box full of red rubies.

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    7. Rei: Blue = masculine, red = feminine? I love! haha

      And with that comment, na-affirm na ang jejenese translation. haha I'll work on the earlier drafts. :p

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    8. Haha. You and your crazy logic. Sige go.:D

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  6. This is nice. I tried browsing through a Wiccan Bible one time and I got interested on it. I like the madness of this story.

    Great job.

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    1. Leo: And that's so nice to hear kasi madness nga ang peg! :)

      I wonder how this comment and your latest post about religion coincides... *rubs chin*

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  7. Interesting. I wonder if that spell will work on me. hahahaha

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    1. Tim: Well, we're gonna need a different blood source if we should try it out. haha

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  8. ayyy! very The Craft! haha. galing. sana may beki vershon

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    1. Mike: I was thinking about that kanina (dahil sa comments ni Rei haha) and I figured baka mas relatable siya kung beki ano? Pero wala siyang friends so walang light as a feather, stiff as a board keme... Maybe one day, ire-reimagine ko nalang itey. Mahilig pa naman ako mag-recycle.

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  9. Great write! I could've done without the tampon image, though. One of my lesbian friends years ago said to me , " Rick, lesbians are the most fucked-up people on earth! They jump from bed to bed and never can control themselves like gay men." Little did she know. Gay men control themselves. Shit, I gave up on trying to do that years ago. I mean, what's the point? Ergo my latest Magpie piece. :)

    Anyway, I cuss a lot, too. Cussing is good for you. It is its own reward. So fuckit.

    :)

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    1. Rick: Ahh the tampon image. Did you know that their super rare in the Philippines? I suppose our women here don't appreciate plugging things up there. haha I needed that image to qualify for the madness theme. I felt the potion alone was insufficient...

      As for your lesbian friend, I guess we're all horny whether we be gay, lesbian or straight. IMHO, the more you "control" yourself, the more fucked up you get.

      Fuck yeah!

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  10. why do I have a feeling that this is one of those stories you have been keeping before?

    Tampons? Yikes! I don't want the image in my head. Haha!!!

    And another description for mothers is to annoy us. And they are kinda good at it. :p

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    1. Gervin: You'd think nga ano? With the length and the way the characters are mostly slapped together. haha I first thought of this story around the time I saw the Hollywood version ng Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Lisa=Elisa? lolz

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  11. Ang galing ng kwento... The details are so vivid. Nahook ako magbasa till the end. =)

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    1. DB: Dormboy? or Desole Boy? or Debbie? haha sorry, I'm confused. Thanks for dropping by! :)

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  12. I haven't had enough exposure to tampons and lesbians. Our office is overflowing with gay men, but there seems to be a shortage on the latter, haha :D

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    1. Andy B: Well that sucks! Call your recruitment firm and tell them not to upset nature's balance! We've got a few lezzies in our team, one I even call a super good friend. Like in my conversation with LOF, I really believe they are super interesting. I wish to fully explore them but I don't have the necessary parts read:tits haha

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  13. You got me confused with what friend meant. What's the point of the whole potion ritual?

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    1. Joe: Hola Joe! :)

      It was/is a love potion. I just thought it sounded really campy hence the irresistible bit. And I settled with that final line because I didn't want them to fully act out of character. They're supposed to be high school students so I think it should start with just friendship. Hope that clears things up!

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  14. Almost to the point of Vampire Diaries with something from the Cranberries (indeed) as theme. Lurid!

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    1. Peter: Is that really you? You've been gone so long! I think I even sent a comment or something looking for you. haha

      I'm not a fan of VD hence the reference is a little lost upon me. But my Googling skills are pretty advanced. *research*

      This Cranberries track freaks me out. When I first heard it, I could imagine Dolores standing outside my window with a knife in her hand. haha

      You've been missed, brother.

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