Monday, December 19, 2011

disconnect

  
  
I stumbled out of the bar looking for a cigarette. I had a bottle in one hand and my phone in the other as my arms felt my pockets for a stick. I was sure I had one left but like most things in my life, my last cigarette eluded me and so I sat on the curb resigned.

You’re only worth your last cigarette, I heard a voice in my ear. Sometimes blog posts come to me like that. You’re only worth the contents of your wallet. You’re only as good as your next project, next blog post, next big thing they expect of you. You’re only as good as your capacity to love and right now honey, you ain’t worth shit.

Just as I was about to spiral into self-pity, I start smelling the familiar scent of tobacco smoke. I look up and see a boy, probably in his early 20s, looking nervous as he stood dangerously close to me. I get up, smile, rest my hand on the wall, our faces close to touching. He hands me a cigarette and we smoke until the pack runs out. We talk shit, our fiction mixing with reality. He tells me he’s in college but with pores like that, I knew he was lying. I told him I was a nursing graduate looking for a job. We bullshit each other some more then he asks if I wanted to go somewhere quiet.

The next morning, I wake up and my head feels like it’s been split into two. The motel room is bright as fuck and it’s a struggle to find my clothes. I locate my underwear near the dresser, my pants near the TV, my shirt balled up between the sheets. College boy is still in bed. I plan my quiet exit.

Forgetting something? I look behind me to find college boy with my wallet. By impulse, my right hand flies to my back pocket. Thank you, I say as I take it from him, my voice hoarse from an entire night of abuse.

Am I gonna see you again? he asks. Or is this one of those things? His voice starts to trail off. I never was good at these things. I could tell he was a good kid. Seemed a little fresh off the boat but workable under different circumstances. He lights up a cigarette then offers me one. I reluctantly accept. I don’t know. This seemed nice. Leave me your number and maybe we could do this again some time.

I smile at him, take deep drags off the cigarette then leave a few bills on the table to pay for the room. In my head, I hear Isaac singing.

There’s really no way to reach me.
There’s really no way to reach me.
Because I’m already gone.

♫: The Fray | Vienna (2005)


MC2U. I’m closing the books (or hanging in the towel or whatever cheesy expression you have in mind) for 2011. I realize I have a few unfinished projects for this year but in light of recent events, I don’t think I have the time or effort to write anymore. You can only get your heart broken too many times before you have to start thinking if you’re going to live the rest of your life an empty shell or if you’re going to heal and adapt. This year, I’m spending the holidays far from the bus horns and the lights of the city. Let’s all hope that 2012 will be kinder to all of us. To anyone who’s reading this, maligayang pasko at manigong bagong taon!

PS. If you miss me too much, you can watch me tumble or hear me tweet!

50 comments:

  1. @nyl: same thoughts with that of rudeboy.. before reading, i actually scrolled down first, to look at the tags..

    *hugs*

    merry christmas, and happy new year! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Merry Christmas, Nyl! And a Happy New Year as well! Enjoy your time away and read you soon, I hope! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Merry christmas my friend! Take care! And have fun!

    JJRod'z

    ReplyDelete
  4. Rudeboy: as always, you are sharp to point that out. Perhaps I've gone crazy. I no longer hide behind thinly veiled metaphors. I wanted an oh-fuck-it vibe to resonate in this post and I could only get that by being completely honest. Lol

    Nate: isa ka pa. Haha merry Christmas din sayo!

    Beliza: yes, of course. Merry Christmas to you too. I'm working on a series of posts with another blogger. That should keep my 2012 busy.

    LOF: daylight come and we wanna go home?

    JJ: you too, friend! :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ok, Nyl. No. You can't quit this blog. Is that what I heard...what I'm reading? Damn you! Damn you to hell and back! Damn whoever broke you up so much that you gotta quit this. Let me at him...I'll put a boot up his ass. 'Cept I don't wear boots.

    "...maligayang pasko at manigong bagong taon!" I don't know Tagalog so I don't know what that is. But is doesn't sound good. I'm only tweet after a couple of drinks, and I only tumble down the stairs after that. But I do FB a bit. You? Well, I hope you're not quitting this blog...

    The story, by the way, is very very well written, and I could see it in my mind's TV. But you can't stop!

    K. I'll quit my whining.......

    Rick

    ReplyDelete
  6. Merry Christmas Nyl, but is this goodbye?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Nyl, I remember what you texted me the last time and reading this, I suppose it captures how you are.

    You sound sad, but what worries me more, is you sound hopeless. You do believe you will heal right? You're too young for the light to vanish.

    Let's go out soon ha.

    Kane

    ReplyDelete
  8. Rick: seeing as that was the first thing I read today, I woke up on the right side of the bed. Don't worry, it'll take so much more for someone to make me leave this blog. I'm simply closing the year to prepare for next year. :)

    The Tagalog means Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. In both languages, I wish it for you and your family. You've been such a fun part of this blog this year. Thank you. :)

    Rei: but we were just getting started! Haha this can't be goodbye, rei. Merry Christmas! :)

    Kane: I think I'm worried I can't na. I feel like I've been cycling from one hopeless situation to another. Thank you for being a friend, Kane. Don't worry, I'll be fine. :)

    Let's catch up? Early next year? Swerte yan. Haha

    ReplyDelete
  9. Your posts really leave me speechless. I can really relate to all the things that you are writing. :)

    It's nice knowing your blog, Nyl. Sana we can bond soon, lets smoke 'til the pack runs out.

    Merry Christmas and Have a Fabulous New Year! :)

    Stay Happy. :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. LJ: yes, let's! That sounds like an awesome idea.

    Merry Christmas din sayo! :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. "...and that, in the end, the most interesting people always leave.”


    ― eleven minutes, paulo coelho

    ReplyDelete
  12. Geek: But Moi, I'm not leaving yet! lol Does that mean I'm not that interesting yet? lol

    ReplyDelete
  13. Most of us bi's and gays had experienced this thing. And what makes amazing, is you get to know someone, his life and hear his blare.

    Sex is just a second thing to what is life. People just need to be listen to. Cool post City Bouy..

    Happy Holidays!

    ReplyDelete
  14. so now you can read pores. :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Tim: Wouldn't it be nice if we could fully get to know each person who touches our lives?

    Happy holidays din! Thanks for dropping by! :)

    Mots: Yes, I'm an expert kaya. :p

    ReplyDelete
  16. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  17. hihi ulitin ko ulit yung post ko. anong nababasa mo sa pores ko? lol

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hehe. Whew. Thought I wouldn't be able to read your future posts.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Mots: Batid sa pores mo ang pagsakay mo ng bangka! haha at ang lucky color mo ay blue.

    Rei: Of course not. I could never do that to this blog. lol

    ReplyDelete
  20. Mots: Samahan kita hehe may peesh na ako eh. Ikaw ba?

    ReplyDelete
  21. The loss of the fiction tags worry me kuya. Yet I like to think of it as you've gotten bold enough not to hide in your metaphors.

    I miss them though :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Raymond: Thanks, RJ. :) I appreciate the tweet, comment and text. Sorry naman. Nag-emo overload nanaman ako. haha Don't worry, next year will be awesome! Let's claim it!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Kung kelan ako bumalik saka ka naman magbabakasyon from blogging? Tama ba yan?

    Haha, merry Christmas!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Visual Velocity: Merry Christmas, Andy! 2 weeks lang naman! :)

    ReplyDelete
  25. we all have our inner selves that once in a while we wanted to unmask just so people would know and to keep us sane..."ti the season to be jolly" as the song goes yet it could also be the season to be weary and lonely. whatever situation you are with, things will be better and new year's are God's way of saying you have another year, another chance so make up boy!

    happy holidays

    ReplyDelete
  26. "He tells me he’s in college but with pores like that, I knew he was lying" - this line made my year. Happy holidays, Citybuoy. I'll follow you on Twitter. Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Merry Christmas! I love this, reminds me of my old single self, hahaha.

    ReplyDelete
  28. On a lighter note, bring back Bora dream-sands when you write again, Nyl. :)

    ReplyDelete
  29. hoi nyl, hindi pa ako semi-retired noh! hahaha.

    happy holidays, kaibigan, and here's to a better year next year!

    cheeeeers! :)

    ReplyDelete
  30. Ortigas Wanderer: Hello there! Welcome to my blog. :)

    I read somewhere that suicide rates peak during the Holidays. Let's all be grateful we made it through to another year. :)

    Leader of Opposition: Happy holidays! Ang delayed ko ba? haha

    Triggered Shot: Merry christmas din! Does it? haha I spoke to someone on Twitter na dinate mo ha.

    Spiral Prince: Yes, I managed to scribble a few stuff while I was there. Pero with our project, mukhang matatagalan pa bago ko ilabas. hehe Kelan ba tayo magsisimula?

    Cherie Ann: Merry christmas din! Welcome to my blog! :)

    Claudiopoi: Ay hindi ba? Akala ko talaga eh. lol joke lungs. Yes, cheers to a better year! :)

    ReplyDelete
  31. I miss you, Nyl!

    *sorry, di ko masyadong nabasa, I might this weekend.,

    ReplyDelete
  32. Green Breaker: Hey! :) I missed you all too! Sobrang napabayaan ko na ang blogging duties ko. haha

    ReplyDelete
  33. no pressure, but we are now closing out the first week of 2012. lol

    ReplyDelete
  34. LOF: No pressure indeed. lol I'm working on a project with Spiral and a few other bloggers so I'm guessing a new post won't arrive till next Friday. lolz That is unless something colossal happens in the next few days.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Happy New Year, Nyl. It was great seeing you during the PBA night. ^^

    ReplyDelete
  36. just when i begin reading your blog again, you're quitting? no, you can't. i mean you can go on a hiatus, because a really good writer like you just can't quit like that.
    -formerly badlydrownedboy

    ReplyDelete
  37. omg ngayon ko lang nabasa to. hahaha. fun. lol

    ReplyDelete
  38. omg ngayon ko lang nabasa to. hahaha. fun. lol

    ReplyDelete
  39. As always huling-huli na naman ako! Miss you Nyl and the way you point out what's wrong with other people. LOL. Inom soon!

    ReplyDelete
  40. Don't mind me. Just awkward, late responses over here.

    Grammar Killer: It was nice seeing you too, Jerro! :) Happy (Chinese) New Year! lolz

    Adapted Boy: You're back! No, I'm not going anywhere. I just rested for a little bit. Thanks for your kind words. I used to fanboy your old blog a lot. teehee

    Yohan: Fun ba? haha call me pore whisperer. :p

    Glentot: " Miss you Nyl and the way you point out what's wrong with other people."

    I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm so nice kaya. Yes, let's drink soon! :) Movie night? Seryoso na to.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Sad. But you can create a happy ending soon. I know you can.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Leomer: When I wrote this, I felt like happy moments were few and far in between. Thanks for the advice. I think I'm slowly crawling to that happy spot. :)

    ReplyDelete
  43. so fun, nyl. haha. i sometimes wish this would happen to me. lol

    ReplyDelete
  44. Yohan: well I know a few people who wouldn't appreciate that. haha

    ReplyDelete