Friday, December 9, 2011

breaking

  
  
May girlfriend ka na ba, dong? Bakit walang laman ang Facebook mo? Kelan ka ba mag-uuwi ng babae dito? Malicious little questions that mean so little yet betray so much. There are no easy answers to them (Hell to the no, kick ass security settings and when they start making them differently) so I just smile politely and change the topic.

There are so many things I’d like to tell you. Sometimes, I wonder if I can. Like maybe you’d understand, like maybe you wouldn’t think I’m evil or that I somehow wanted this. Maybe you’d be alright with it.

I imagine you and Papa. It’s a nondescript day. He is engrossed in a ₱50 book. You are in the kitchen reheating leftovers. I can hear Pet Society music in the background.

We start eating. Out of the blue, I tell you my secret. I talk about all the lies I’ve told you since all this began. I talk about my lover and how thoughts of him keep me warm at night. I talk about the urges, how they never stop, how I once thought they would. Papa stops eating. He gets up to smoke outside. You hold my hand and say you’ve always known. Papa comes back and just when I think he’s about to hit me, he holds me tight in his arms and tells me he loves me still. We all hug because that’s what happens in those bullshit Hallmark movies.

(OR)

Maybe I’ll tell you in the van. We are on our way home, at least where it used to be. Through the years, this van has witnessed many meltdowns. It is no stranger to tears. In the smallest voice I could muster, I tell you everything. You look me in the eye. I can tell you are fighting back tears. You slap me hard, so hard I almost fall off my seat. Papa slams the breaks. His door flies open and like the bass line in a heavy metal song, he marches to my side of the vehicle. He slides the door open and drags me out. You are not my son, he’d say and you leave me in the middle of Pasay with nothing but my regrets and tears.

But in reality, it wouldn’t be anything like that. It would be quiet. The only sound would be of your heart breaking, of your collective dreams suddenly shattering. Mama, I’m sorry.

I don’t ever want to break your heart. If I could, I would explain that this isn’t my fault, nor is it yours or anyone’s for that matter. It’s just how things are. It took me such a long time to accept it for myself. On most nights, I was on my knees praying, bargaining, saying I’d give all the shit I own to be “normal”, whatever that meant. There were many moments when I just wanted to be like everyone else. But I couldn’t do that. I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not. Didn’t you teach me that?

And so although I want you to see the man I have become, my true self away from the lies I tell and the masks I wear to protect you, I know now is not the time. Someday, I pray you’d understand. I pray you wouldn’t think I’m evil or that I somehow wanted this. I pray that one day, you’d be alright with it.

I do not want to break your heart and so instead, I break my own.

♫: Plumb | Damaged (1999)

56 comments:

  1. nasa rurok n ko na maiiyak na sana ko dun sa unang scenario kala ko totoo na!then pinigilan ko tuloy!hmp!

    ako din, diko pa naamin sa mom ko...dinadaan ko nalang sa joke haha baka magetz na nya e or maybe alam na nga nya!

    goodluck, i know you'll find the right time.

    ReplyDelete
  2. @Mac: Tama pala yung effect na I was going for. haha I wanted to suspend it kasi that's how it feels to want to say it pero maduduwag ka. haha

    I don't think I would ever tell them. Mahirap yun eh. Magulo. haha

    @Rudeboy: Haha you're so sharp, Rudie. Darn it. lol

    ReplyDelete
  3. i used to tell Him before that I don't care if he made me a girl or a boy as long as he made me "normal".

    ReplyDelete
  4. @Nubadi: I think that's a sweet way to put it. I hate to resort to cliches but wtf is normal anyway? haha it's just a setting on the dryer.

    ReplyDelete
  5. `Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'
    `That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,'
    `I don't much care where--'
    `Then it doesn't matter which way you go,'

    ReplyDelete
  6. @LOF: Like the great philosophist Lavigne said, I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you. :p

    ReplyDelete
  7. I can't remember what brought on the comment, what was on TV or even if we were watching TV. But my Dad said, in response to whatever, "If I knew someone was a queer I'd never have anything to do with him!" I made no response.

    We sat on the back porch some years later, and some years ago, when he was whole, before the illness took hold. We were having coffee together, and I was visiting from where ever I was living at the time, and out of nowhere he looked at me and said, "You're never going to get married, are you!" More of a statement than question. And I said, "No, Dad, I'm not. Can't be bothered."

    There was silence and then we continued with the day as if everything was "normal." But the comment has stayed with me. Now, a year and a half after his passing, I wonder if that was his way of coming to terms.

    My family is from a different era, different standards.

    I wonder....

    Rick

    ReplyDelete
  8. guess i have the easiest way to show everyone in my family especially my father side that i will be different from the rest of the boys. everyone ahead of me, cousins and olders brothers are into sports; basketball, little league baseball and soccer. aside from being so tiny and skinny, i never showed any interest in the sports except to cheer for all the cute guys playing (LOL!). so then my not so good friends and cousins and brothers i may say, made me the subject of fun.

    i was hurt of course, but to equal them, i joined in every activity the school have academics and literary musical. and a constant winner. name it, from reciting poems, to dance, to choral singing, acdemic contest to being always on the top 3 of my year.

    that clouded their achievements in school. but of course behind their mind, i am still weak. until we all became adults and they have seen where my strength is. i don't have to forgive them, because i never thought they harmed me, they just posted a challenge for me to excel in the field that they cannot do.

    there is nothing that i would change. i love the way things are from then to now. except for loosing my "tatay" too early, age 10.

    nice post, by the way...

    JJRod'z

    ReplyDelete
  9. @R. Burnett Baker: Oh Rick, That story broke my heart. I'd like to think it was his way of coming to terms.

    And I have a feeling our families are from the same era and standards. haha

    JJ Roa Rodriguez: At least you found a way to soar past that. However negative, it still propelled you to excel. Just look at where it's brought you! :)

    Thanks for dropping by. I appreciate it. Sorry to hear about your father. :P

    ReplyDelete
  10. "i was constantly bashing up against the painful wall with which my parents had surrounded themselves, but loved them too much to try to climb it, reopening the wound. i had decided not to know."

    -memory, philippe grimbert

    ReplyDelete
  11. @Geek: As always, sapul nanaman ang kowt mo. Diba sabi sa American Beauty, the strongest power in the world is denial. Pero one ever said that what makes it strong is love. We love so we hide.

    char :p

    ReplyDelete
  12. read the book, nyl. victor has a copy. one of the most haunting, most powerful books na nabasa ko...

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. @Geek: Thanks for the link! It looks exciting. :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. This post looks like a prose-poem. You have a way with words.

    ReplyDelete
  15. The things we do for Mom. >.< This shows how great your love is for her.

    ReplyDelete
  16. i always lose wit when thrown into this scenario. LOL.

    i wrote about this same dilemma just the other day and yes, i think i am not on the comfort level yet to tell them, kahit kay mama. not now perhaps, or i don't know if i could ever try.

    ReplyDelete
  17. @Leader of Opposition: wow, thanks for the validation. I'm such a big fan. :p welcome to my blog.

    @Rei: Proud mama's boy. Lol

    @Pepe: my take on it seemingly changes everyday. Right now I feel indignant. My sister never had to tell our parents that she's straight. Hmm... Ask me again in five hours. Lol

    ReplyDelete
  18. awwww.... :( ako man, nasa crossroad na kung sasabihin ko na ba sa family ko or not... im confused na din... :(
    huggs...

    ReplyDelete
  19. when i came out to my mother, this what exactly what i was afraid of. i know i did break her heart, but a few years later--she's accepted it. she even goes to pride with me.

    i think one thing we have to gamble when it comes to our families is to see if they have that same regard--that same bond, that sense of not wanting to willingly hurt us.

    if they reject you, you'll understand the sort of relationship and connection you have with them, i guess. then you can move on with your life. :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. This is so moving. :(
    If this isn't fictional, I hope you won't have to hide anymore. >:D<

    ReplyDelete
  21. @Ron: Let's all wish for clarity. Malay mo, makinig si Santa. :p

    @Trigger Happy: Hello! Welcome to my blog. :)

    It's good that she was able to accept it at some point. :p I'm curious, did you tell your pudra? What happened?

    @Ela: It's partly fictionalized. I don't really see myself ever talking about it with them bit your well wishes make me feel warm inside so thanks! :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. @nyl: aww... *bear hug* tengene mo! i'm almost teary-eyed.. katabi ko si C while reading this, btw.. :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. @Nate: Awww... salamat! Say hi to C for me. :p

    ReplyDelete
  24. And this is basically why I made the decision several years ago to only come out when I can not only stand on my own two feet, but also live...

    I remember all my plans back then, Nyl. I always assumed all gay men had one they made during their formative years, but plans change, no? Or rather, our circustances change, and so we have to adapt.

    Virtual hugs, Nyl. :)

    ReplyDelete
  25. @Spiral: Becuase I can neither stand on my feet or live without them, I guess I'm staying right where I am for at least a few more years. lol

    Thank you for the virtual hugs. :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Me too. Mama's boy. Always was, always will be. :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. @john: I feel like channeling my inner pixie. Lol http://youtu.be/81-eLoXKMaE

    @rei: yay for mama's boys! :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  29. awwwww.... *hugs*
    we reeeeaaaaally need to meet na...
    i feel you on this. super. made me think of some "whatevers" in my life. there were lots of those nights that i've been yearning to be like everyone else (the straight ones in particular), to be "normal", whatever society means by that.
    i just wish i didn't avoid anyone on purpose just to somehow "please" someone else.
    anyway... let's meet!

    ReplyDelete
  30. my parents still doesn't know.

    Maybe they have an idea. but they don't interrogate me on such stuff. Sometimes, I feel that telling them who I am, what I do, and what I don't even have girl is no longer important.

    they accept me, i can feel that, and I guess that is more important.

    Ciao Nyl!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Come out with a bang, Nyl, whenever you feel like it. Fireworks ang peg! :)

    ReplyDelete
  32. @Carlo: Grabe, I super miss you. When can we go out na ba?

    And I think we shared many nights wishing to be like everyone else. Glad to see we've somehow adjusted.

    @Orange: Acceptance: has a rather nice ring to it. :p

    @Spiral: Are you here to check out if I've started writing happy posts? lol

    ReplyDelete
  33. nako di naman! hahaha, dapat pa nating iplantsa ang guidelines. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  34. @Spiral: Kanina ko pa siya iniisip. We gotta work out the kinks by the end of the month. lol

    ReplyDelete
  35. @Jennechrisville: Thanks Gervin! :)

    ReplyDelete
  36. I was thinking of a "Coming-out Team." You know, a league of gays who will ease out and eventually help with the coming-out of its client/s. They will talk to the family, explain this and that and then allow the main concerned person to talk. I wonder if that will make a difference.

    ReplyDelete
  37. @DB: Tapos may support team sa labas. Mga beking may tarp na nakalagay "Go Girl! Keri mo na yan!" hehe

    Kidding aside, it would be a great concept for a reality show. Kaso it could go wrong in five million different ways. Kailangan careful ang planning at research.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Thanks for the lead! I DO like that song, but I found a number of others that Michelle Featherstone sings and I . Like.Her.! I really like that , that, "mellow", let-me-kill-myself-again vibe in these songs, but oddly they're not depressing. Just a lights down low, glass of wine (dry) kind of night alone. Or not alone.

    dig it!

    rick

    ReplyDelete
  39. @Rick: Now we're speaking the same language. Haha I hated One Tree Hill (especially these last few seasons) but man, do they know how to make a great soundtrack! :)

    ReplyDelete
  40. Kasalanan talaga ito ng classmate mo noong Kinder while playing The Uncanny X-Men!

    ReplyDelete
  41. @Glentot: Ooh, I saw him on FB recently. Cute na siya! lol

    ReplyDelete
  42. wow. heart-breaking. thought it was real at first but its still saddening. : )

    ReplyDelete
  43. Erwin: It's real when we want it to be. Haha the struggle is genuine of course. Thanks for dropping by and welcome to my blog! :)

    ReplyDelete
  44. Carlo: Thanks! And wow, you're using your full name na. :)

    ReplyDelete
  45. Sort of. I have merged my blogger profile into my google plus'. Hehe

    ReplyDelete
  46. Carlo: Ooh, I saw that feature. Kaso nakablock yung G+ sa office so I didn't try it. hehe

    ReplyDelete
  47. It's funny that you posted this on December 9. That's my birthday by the way, lol. Belated happy birthday to me. :D

    ReplyDelete
  48. Visual Velocity: Happy belated birthday, Andy! At maligayang pagbabalik sa pagb-blog!

    ReplyDelete
  49. when that time comes, siguraduhin mong sasabayan mo ng Fire Dance production number na tinuro ko sayo!!!

    at sisilaban ka daw ng tatay mo sa dulo. ahahahahaha hugsies.

    ReplyDelete
  50. YJ: Definitely. Kaso, naiwan ko yung tankini ko eh!

    ReplyDelete
  51. Tell if being asked. As for me, I've never been asked, as parents they should know and feel.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Leomer: I know this sounds cliche but you don't know my parents. Baka ma-TV Patrol ako! haha

    ReplyDelete