Sunday, November 6, 2011

surrender

We may never speak again. That was my first thought when I woke up this morning. I don’t usually get up before noon on Sundays but today was different. My head throbbed from drinking too many beers in too little time. My three-hour sleep nap was yet another cosmic joke that I didn’t get. But none of that mattered. The only thing that did was that we may never speak again.

And there is so much to say. Sometimes, the sheer weight of all the things I say to you and all I leave behind feels like it’s going to crush me. My shoulders ache from lugging it around, the way I conceal my psychoses, the way I pretend to ignore yours, the way I used our common pain as common ground. I carried them around for weeks. One day, I said to myself I didn’t want to carry that weight anymore. Especially not on this strange Sunday morning where I find myself hung over, with a splitting headache, heartbroken and writing draft after draft for you.

What took me months to rebuild is once again shattered. I stare at the mirror, at the cracks on my cheek, the glue stains on my neck and wonder what it’s like to be unbreakable. I run my hands through scars, both fresh and old and wonder if there was more to me than what you saw. Perhaps I’m not really as wonderful as I thought I was. Maybe you were right.

Over dinner, a friend talks to me about strength. I only half-listen for in my mind, I was still reeling from what little we had ending so abruptly. Through bits and pieces, she told me that strength is not winning the break-up game. It’s not about being the first to move on or the last to hold a grudge. Strength is getting punched in the gut, doubling over, standing up and asking for more. Many lose when they look for love. I guess that’s why so many of us just wait but only the strong can love, get hurt and still find it in them to come back day after day after day, heart on their sleeve, smile on their face, saying let’s do this. Like it’s the simplest thing in the world. Like it’s never going to hurt.

When it’s time to live and let die
And you can’t get another try.
Something inside this heart has died.
You’re in ruins.

One, 21 guns.
Lay down your arms. Give up the fight.
One, 21 guns.
Throw up your arms into the sky
.

She said strength is in standing up and asking for more. I’m sorry I’m not that strong.

♫: Green Day | 21 Guns [Cast Version] (2009)

49 comments:

  1. this is wonderful, Nyl!

    I love that part that starts, Many lose when... on the last paragraph. It is me by all means. but not because I am strong but I always focus myself to the best part of the relationship not on the loose ends or the bad endings and try the best to save it. Save not for reconciliation but at least for friendship. I don't leave a space for hatred or pain in my heart. I always fill them up of love. Kaya pagmay nakita akong tao na ready to take me again and ako din, I can easily go on with life.

    I love this... have a great week ahead!

    JJRod'z

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  2. @JJRod'z: Wow, I wish everybody could be as optimistic. You have a great week din, JJ! :)

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  3. sometimes, there is nothing wrong with being weak. its alright nyl.
    and from all of this, you'll be stronger and stand up again and be brave.

    pinagdaanan natin lahat yan,falling in love,being hearbroken and the hardest part...moving on.

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  4. @Mac: Thanks Mac. Why is it that pain is so much harder to share than sorrow? Parang ang feeling kasi eh wala nang pwedeng mas masakit pang mangyari to anyone when truth is, kagat lang naman ng langgam. lol

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  5. Feeling that hurt, until it gets numb. Feel it, until the moment you forget the reason behind the pain. True enough, it takes time, but take courage on the fact that you are still whole, and that you can still be loved in your most perfect time.

    God bless.

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  6. @Leo: I, of course value your advice ng sobra. You and Nimmy have been together for eons. Thanks for dropping by! :)

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  7. Not so sure about your friend's definition of strength, but maybe... I'd say it's more about working through the pain and hurt, and finally realizing you don't ache any more. After a 4 year try, it took another year or so to finally say to myself, "I really don't give a shit about being with you...have a nice day!"

    It's not easy, by any means. But probably easier than picking at your peas, when you really don't like the taste.

    Rick

    (I don't think that last line made a damn bit of sense...)

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  8. Love is so short. Forgetting is so long.

    why is it so hard to leave everything behind?

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  9. Once again it sounds like you were telling my story. You are the only one I know who can describe fine beautifully. :))

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  10. ...and I mean who can describe pain beautifully.

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  11. Strength. Tsk. Who'd have known that it'd be this difficult to define.

    I wish I could tell you something Nyl. I don't really know what to say.

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  12. "What took me months to rebuild is once again shattered."

    it is a sign of strength when you allow yourself to this pain again. slowly, slowly.

    but then again, i got reminded of a movie line (i don't remember the title of the movie but it was Joel Torre who delivered the line) "no one really gets used to pain, we just learn to get by".

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  13. The last part was comforting and I thought it would end in the usual return to the character's feelings of homeostasis. But with the last line, nadepress ako ulit.haha!

    You have this trait of not giving what the readers want to read (expect to read) which I think makes your stories more heartbreaking. :)

    And yes, I guess i'm not that strong either.

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  15. "The organic gardener does not think of throwing away the garbage. She knows that she needs the garbage. She is capable of transforming the garbage into compost, so that the compost can turn into lettuce, cucumbers, radishes, and flowers again." -Thich Nhat Hanh

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  16. We're on the same page. The reason I drowned myself with alcohol again last night was because all the hardwork of resisting that person crashes down in a snap. Is it weakness?
    .
    .
    I don't think so. Maybe it just goes to show that something, still, must be done. Who says it's an easy task?

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  17. I don't think I've received this much love in a while. I just got home from a long day of distracting myself at the mall. Glad to see you guys haven't forgotten me. :)

    @Rick: I think it makes perfect sense. We throw what we can't chew. In this case though, I was the pea and I threw myself down the kitchen sink.

    @Gervin: Because we're stubborn? haha

    @Sarah: I wish it were easy for me. This is one of my more honest posts and I guess the only way to write about something is to deep dive into it. I'm wading in shit but I appreciate your comment. :)

    @Rei: Speechless again? Don't worry about it Rei. :)

    @Pepe: That's a wonderful quote. I have to remember that. It's strange. Feels like it was just a few months ago when I was in (what I believed to be) a stable relationship. Now look at me. haha

    @Raymond: Haha this made me think. Perhaps I don't give the readers what I want because I rarely get what I want. At least when it comes to love.

    May we all grow to be stronger. :)

    @LOF: Wasn't I just talking about shit? haha yes, I hope to turn all this wonderful pain into lessons. My most important one right now is also my current FB status message. Challenge everything but a memory. We will never measure up to the ghost of lovers past.

    @Desole Boy: Where do we find these men anyway? Makes you real curious, no?

    Bring on Coldplay. Nobody said it was wasy. No one ever said it would be this (fucking) hard. haha

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  18. I wanted to define strength kasi. Kaya lang my brain cells are stagnant pa. Will be back when I'm well-oiled na haha

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  19. @Rei: Maybe that's your definition of strength. lol

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  20. @nyl: i honestly don't know what to say.. :/ can i just give you lots of hugs??

    here goes.. *huuuuuugggggggssssss*

    hope that works.. sabi nga ng WV: relif..

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  21. @Nate: Well whaddyouknow, that did feel good. Thanks :)

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  22. @Kiko: Sorry about that. :( Thanks for reading anyway! :)

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  23. Pepe got it right.. You know it very much kuya Nyl. I can say that you've been around these corners too long. Overexposure won't do you good. Well, who am I to preach about moving on anyway? LOL. Nobody said it was easy. Each person deals with it differently. Just rest assured, we're here for company. Hugs. =)

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  24. Ngayon, may masasabi na ako!

    You really write so well, parang si kyla, so heartfelt. :(

    Well, its okay to be weak sometimes. Sometimes accepting what you are is way better than being something you know you are not.

    Ingat!

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  25. "I only half-listen for in my mind, I was still reeling from what little we had ending so abruptly."

    HAH!!! You KNOW I have been here.
    xxamy

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  26. Sometimes it's stronger to know exactly when to walk away. And yes, kudos to those who get up from hurt and jump right back in. Turuan niyo naman kami!

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  27. @Green Breaker: Perhaps over-exposure is just a polite way to say I'm old. haha Thanks for the company, Joe. :)

    @Orange: Wow, you're back! :) At talagang may Kyla reference? haha Heartfelt's the only record she made na I have. haha

    Thanks for dropping by. I appreciate it. Your orange's smile makes me smile pag nakikita ko. haha

    @Amy: Ahhh, we're a little too familiar with this feeling. Oh well, gotta turn up sometime. :)

    @CC: You're back! :)

    You'll learn a lot from my friend Victor. He's my not-so-bad influence who's been convincing me (and this afternoon, was quite successful if i may add) that all hope is not lost and that it's best to keep fighting until the fat lady sings. :)

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  28. i was playing the song in the background while reading your post. na-sad naman ako.. okay lang yan, ilabas mo lang lahat.. sooner and later, we need to move on.. continue life and just be happy for the rest of our days.. kaya mo yan ;)

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  29. @Ardee: Hi! Welcome back! :)

    You know, I've often wondered if people actually play the song. Thanks for dropping by and for your well wishes. :)

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  30. Greenday. How I love them and their songs.

    You've done a nice post again, Nyl. I'll be expecting for more. :D

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  31. @Vher: I like this one and Good Riddance.

    Thanks Vher. You're really sweet. And I can't help but notice you've been using your real name now. Congrats! :)

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  32. Good Riddance is a very classic song. Everytime they play it on stage, it just gives me creeps. I don't know why. Maybe, it's really just too good. :D

    Haha, thank you Nyl. Actually, if you hadn't told me about the name, I wouldn't have noticed it. :)) Maybe, because my account is already linked with Google+? I don't know. :D

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  33. @Vher: Good thing you said that. I was considering linking it but I don't want the whole world to know my bizniss.. haha

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  34. You can still edit your name in Google+. Well, it's only for 90 days I guess. I've heard news they will integrate blogger to Google+

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  35. @Vher: I hope they don't. I for one would like to separate my Google+ with my Blogger account. Parang separation of church and state. Plus, nakablock ang Google+ sa office. Deimnnn...

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  36. ah okay. so stagnant na pala ang definition ng strength haha. ai naku naku. maka-breakfast na nga hahaha

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  37. @Rei: Not sure if I've offended you. In any case, I'm sorry. I was just thinking about how there is strength in choosing not to do or say anything just at that moment. idk

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  38. When we fall, our heads hit the ground first.

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  39. @Bien: That sounds lovely. And it explains a lot too.

    Idk, Bien (Wow, feeling close. I feel like I know you) I somehow crawled back to him. Didn't feel like writing about that na pero that's what I did. Too much influence from Victor, I suppose?

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  40. @Nyl: Hahaha, naka-block. Yeah, me too. I hope they won't fuse them together. Though, it will still be okay. More viewers, plus easy access. Either or, would be okay. Still. I hope they do not merge. :D

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  41. @Vher: I think a link would do. They put something like that in Google Reader pero hindi naman niya nasira yung functionality in systems without Google+ access. hehe

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  42. Yes, I think that is a bright idea. I agree. Sana nga, maisip nila yung ganun. :P

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  43. @Vher: Naku, subukan lang nila ha. Ihahabla ko sila hanggang supreme court! haha

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  44. "I stare at the mirror, at the cracks on my cheek, the glue stains on my neck and wonder what it’s like to be unbreakable."
    "She said strength is in standing up and asking for more. I’m sorry I’m not that strong."

    Love those lines! This is beautiful.

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  45. @Lia: Thanks! :) And welcome to my blog! :)

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  46. is this really about a love that has ended?

    or is it about a love possibility that seems impossible to happen?

    may oras akong magbasa ngayon, bakit ba? hahahahaha

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  47. @YJ: Perhaps a mix of both? It seemed impossible to happen so I ended it.

    At ang sipag mo mag-backread, beckley. lol

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