Monday, October 31, 2011

what it was like

I needed to know what I was like back then. For nights, I thought of nothing but my youth, hoping he would come to me in my sleep. On the sixth night, he finally did.

It was like I had my eyes closed for a long time. His image, blurry at first, began to focus. We exchanged pleasantries, neither of us wanting to acknowledge that we met because of a mutual pain and that perhaps we are each other’s keys.

“Can you tell me what it’s like?” I asked when there was nothing left to say. “Can you remind me what it’s like to have a dream?”

“I want for nothing,” he began. “But I want everything. Hunger fills the corners of my silences like a dark flame. It’s a reason to get up in the morning. Something to look forward to when I give my mind up to slumber.”

I remember how that felt. I remember how my dreams felt like little flames on my skin that would consume me if I didn’t work for them. I remember yearning for the future – the future which has unfortunately become my present. Ah, but I was so much older then. I'm younger than that now.*

I yearned. It was all I had. I had an image of where I wanted to be and I was determined to do whatever it took to get there. And all these years, I climbed the mountains of my ambition and desire. I went on a lot of dates. I worked myself to the bone to get promoted. I climbed until my legs hurt. I climbed until the air was so thin, I had to shut my eyes. It wasn’t until I opened them again that I realized I had finally reached the top.

What happens when you realize you have nothing left to climb? I have come to the realization that there is nothing else to want in life. I live my days with a vacant expression hoping that someone or something would wake me from this comatose.

“You know I’ve been looking for you too,” he said, breaking the silence. “I’ve reminded you of who you were. Maybe you can tell me what it’s like.”

“What’s what like?”

“The future. Will I be happy? Will it all make sense in the end?”

I wanted to tell him everything: the hollow that haunted me, the sadness I still could not explain, the vacant that punctuated my days. I felt he had a right to know and I was going to tell him but then something made me stop.

He stared at me with such hope in his eyes. I didn’t want to crush him. I didn’t want him to worry about the things I should be searching for myself.

“Are you happy?”

“Yes, I am,” I lied. “And you will be too.”

“Will there be more mountains?” he asked, his voice sounding more like an echo. “Will we live long enough to see?” His eyes pierced through me with hope. I knew it would be impossible to be truthful.

I suddenly awoke in a pile of pillows and bedding on the floor.

“Plenty,” I said to him even though he was gone. “There will be plenty of mountains,”  For both our sakes, I pray my words ring true someday.

♫: Shakira | Hopes For Plans (2005)

45 comments:

  1. "I want nothing and everything all at the same time"

    I want you..and I am not giving up this time..



    Goodbye to you/m.branch

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  2. @Dabo: You know my influences too well. :)

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  3. nice work, as always, nyl! :)

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  4. @Nate: Thanks Nate! I appreciate it. :)

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  5. (talk about my childhood): fearing not that i'd become my enemy, in the instant that i preach, my pathway led by confusion boats, mutiny from stern to bow....

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  6. @LOF: I doubt if little LOF would be disappointed by how you turned out. I guess I just wouldn't know what to say to mine. haha

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  7. although i picked those words, the song itself reminds me of late nights alone with a younger, sadder emo LOF singing with bob ... i think the little LOF would have crushed on the current LOF -- which says nothing about me now and everything about little LOF (which says everything about me now). lol

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  8. @LOF: You know I would've never heard this song if you didn't put it in one of your comments (a quick search directs me to Quiet)

    " i think the little LOF would have crushed on the current LOF -- which says nothing about me now and everything about little LOF (which says everything about me now). lol"

    We've all been sluts at one point or another. Some of us, even more so. haha

    I think the little CB wouldn't really have that big of a crush on me. Maybe just a little bit. haha

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  9. are you kidding? little CB would be pregnant with your child by now. lol

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  10. @LOF: Well, little CB was all bite and no bark so even if that were true, we wouldn't know. haha

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  11. I wonder how you manage to write like this. I'll text you in a while. :)

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  12. @LOF: :)

    @RJ: Thanks RJ! I replied na. Is this about the code?

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  13. I want for. Othing, but i want everything...

    What ifvthere is no more to climb?

    Oh Nyl, i have been through that... There is more for you. A brilliant young felow has more ladders to climd up. Mountains, there will always be mountains. Call me, and i will help you climb them. Be happy! Take care!

    JJRod'z

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  14. @JJRod'z: Yes, there were more mountains. I wrote parts of this months ago when I felt I had everything. I didn't know it was possible to lose things again. So yeah, more mountains to climb. ;)

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  15. @Super Mario Palad: Ooh! A new face! Welcome to my blog! Thanks for dropping by. :)

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  16. "No one else should be powerful enough to give you these feelings than yourself. It's either he's godly-perfect or you're just too stubborn." is what my old-self would say.

    "Why turn into archives to understand how it feels like? Look ahead, there are new things that will even remind you how it shouldn't have felt that way." sounds better.

    Now, now, please don't get mad. ; )

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  17. @Alter: Our old selves are funny. Did you read LOF's comments? haha

    I don't know why but when I get confused, I always end up asking myself how I was back then. If you listen to Pete Yorn, there's this song called EZ. I was gonna use it as this post's soundtrack but then I decided to go with Shakira. haha

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  18. Climbing mountains makes me freakin' tired! I really really like this piece, and must read it again and again. We NEED these conversations with our other selves....

    Rick

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  19. I won't even pretend like I understood what I just read. Chat na lang tayo LOL bwahahaha.

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  20. @Rick: I wish our other selves were always readily conjure-able. haha Yes, a mix of the past and the future and we're all set.

    @Glentot: Pakyu ka! Namiss kita kanina. I had no one to chat with.

    @Raymond: You're welcome! It was fun! :)

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  21. Your comment to my poem cracks me down!! Yeah, the wine is fukn fabulous, and taking that photo was kinda fun too!!! LOL!

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  22. Oh, and did you happen to catch my post just before that one? The commercial break? I'm making myself laugh cause I really didn't mean to post the dry wine poem right after the wine plug.

    Um, yeah I'm off tomorrow and I've had a couple of glasses of wine. No. Make that five glasses.

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  23. Damn you. I'll never read that poem again without laughing my ass off!

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  24. Somehow, I'm speechless. I think I need to read it again.

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  25. @Rick: Yeah, I did. And when I saw the next post, I was like, whuuuut?

    @Rei: It's not that serious. haha :)

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  26. hala, nosebleed!. Pero i want to know the mind inside this blog, since obviously bago pa lang ako sa blog mu. :)

    Looking forward in knowing you more!

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  27. @Stevevhan: Hi! Welcome to my blog! Sige, looking forward to that too haha :)

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  28. Just keep climbing, even if it seems there's nothing in sight, you'll get there soon enough. :)

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  29. @Sarah: I'm so Steve Nicks-ing right now. I climbed a mountain and I turned around. haha

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  30. Sometimes your writing makes me catch my breath. Some exquisite lines here. Did you hear me reading :)?

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  31. @She Writes: I wish I did. That would've been awesome.

    You now, Amy. I'd copy your comment and paste it on every blog post you ever wrote if I could. That's how much I love your writing. haha

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  32. i don't know how young the 'young nyl' in this post. but when i was in my teens, i never had this profound thinking of what i will be in the future. or where will i be. i set my dreams or i put myself to the lowest because when you were down there, the way up seemed to be so high, hard, and that mountain is next to impossible. yes, i was that pessimistic.

    maybe it is one of the reasons why i am contented now, nyl. my youth has nothing then...

    :)

    -moi

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  33. @Moi: I guess that's how my parents screwed me up. I wrote about it a few times in the past but they were always so fiercely ambitious. Climbing mountains was a regular part of my childhood so it wasn't a surprise when I had the same thirst growing up.

    I'd like to learn contentment too. Maybe one of these days. haha

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  34. Aah..The bitter pang of nostalgia. :)

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  35. @Rei: At talagang you read it again. lol Thanks Rei! :)

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  36. Does it really haunt us at one point? Or we just choose to think of it that way?

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  37. i really love your writing nyl.

    are those your feet (in the photo)? i never understood why the harder i planted my feet underwater, the faster the sand underneath shifted with the water.

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  38. @Green Breaker: I suppose it works both ways. You think about the future and in a different time, your past wonders what it's like to be you. Full circle, I guess?

    @Sean: Awww... thanks Sean! Yes, those are my feet. I never really thought about how sand shifts when the waves change. I guess that's why I love this picture. It reminds me that I actually know how to be careless. lol

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  39. Hehe. I wanted to talaga. It's been bugging me.

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  40. @Rei: Just you being here, it already means a lot to me. Thanks, Rei! :)

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  41. when there is nothing left to hope for then you become hopeless...

    and hopelessness my friend as our dear friend Dabo once wrote, is the state of perfection. :))

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  42. @YJ: You love that quote no? If that's the case then I'm not perfect anymore. A lot has happened since I wrote this post. Now, I'm just floating around. :p

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