Monday, October 3, 2011

this year's love (II)

“Honestly, I don’t know if you’re lucky or unlucky,” said a friend. He put stress on all the right words so they cut right through. We were talking about love and logic. He says when you find love, you can’t help yourself. You have to surrender to it in all Amy Winehouse glory and do whatever it takes to be with him. I said it was possible to be logical about it and when I find myself with people who can or have hurt me, I use my mind to bottle up all my feelings and stow it away.

“You have to protect yourself,” I argued. “I’ve seen too many people scarred beyond repair from what you call love and I don’t want to be like them.”

“If you keep doing that, you’ll never truly open yourself up to anybody,” he warned.

“It’s helped me survive all these years,” I said. We argued well into the morning light, both of us drunk and exhausted. In the end, we agreed to disagree, or at least I did. He predicted I would soon see that he was right.

I walked home and met a nice black kitten. He was playing with a twig in front of my house and didn’t mind much when I came close to touch him. We exchanged a few meows and purrs and after saying goodbye fifty million times, I opened the gate and went inside. It was such a breath of fresh air – a street cat who isn’t afraid of humans. I would’ve said he was being avant-garde but if I were to be honest to myself and to my new friend, I knew he was just being naïve.

Two days later, he was dead. I saw his guts splattered on the concrete and he had a strange expression on his face. I wanted to take a picture to show my friends so that they could confirm what I was seeing – the dead avant-garde kitty was smiling. What was he smiling about? A bigger black cat walked towards us. I assumed she was the mother and so I got up and let the woman grieve. As I walked away, she sprung up in defense and I could hear her anger through her fangs. She was older and in cat sense, wiser not to trust humans. People will kill you, if you let them, she seemed to say.

People will kill you, if you let them. I’m not talking about getting run over or shot. I’m talking about a harsher death. They can make you feel worthless and ugly, they can crush your spirit if you let them. I should know for I’ve made that mistake too many times. For weeks, I’ve been spiraling into an inferno of self-pity. There’s a voice in my head that tells me to stop and cling to whatever I have left. I’ve got a good job, a stable family, fantastic friends. Why do I need anybody to validate me? Why should the actions of one person define me? My logic tells me to be big and brave like the mother cat. It’s a big old world filled with assholes and those naïve enough to believe in love and its fragrant promises usually find themselves squashed on the pavement with their pink parts exposed to the world.

There’s another voice though and I hardly recognize it as my own. It must be from when I was younger. The kitty was smiling. He was on to something. You’ll never know love if you don’t try. Not everyone will hurt you. Not everyone who does, means to. If you give up now, how will you ever find it?

Question is: do I lick my wounds and become calloused or die with a smile on my face?

I don’t really know what the future has in store for me. Truth is, I’m terrified of the thought of meeting new people, going on dates again and opening doors that I quite recently forced shut. As I got home last night from what felt like such a long day, I glanced at the sky and saw something I hadn’t seen before in my twenty-five years of existence. I was beginning to think they weren’t really real but last night, it shone in its brief teal glory. They say you have to wish when you see a falling star. I closed my eyes and through clenched teeth, I wished to fall in love again.

♫: David Gray | This Year's Love (1999)
Photo: Yohan | cat / sky
Post: This Year's Love

Re-imaginings. It’s been weeks since I wrote anything fresh. I was in the middle of this series* but I suddenly found myself straddling the line between reality and fiction. I have so much hatred for the third person in the story that I just couldn’t find the empathy to pen his version. Instead of going on hiatus yet again, I thought I’d come out with some reworked blog posts from before Citybuoy. This one is from three years ago*.


  1. @nyl: first of all, you morbid you!! imagine if you put the picture of the kitty's carcass to this post.. i'd prolly throw up..

    on a lighter note, awe... i don't just wish.. but i pray that you will.. YOU. WILL. --- "I glanced at the sky and saw something I haven’t seen before in my twenty-five years of existence. I was beginning to think they weren’t really real but last night, it shone in its brief teal glory. They say you have to wish when you see a falling star. I closed my eyes and through clenched teeth, I wished to fall in love again."

  2. I prefer dying with a smile on your face. diba? at least you lived well with no regrets. post break up blogs are the bomb. great job :-) hugs! I prefer dying with a smile on your face. diba? at least you lived well with no regrets. post break up blogs are the bomb. great job :-) hugs!

  3. @Nate: Ang bilis ha! :)

    Three years ago, my phone's camera was terrible. I did try to take a picture but no one could make it out so I don't know what became of that. lol

    Thanks for your wish/prayer. I know it'll come for me when all is aligned. Just getting antsy, I guess.

    @Miley: Hello! Welcome to my blog (I think).

    I wish I could have your optimism. You, my friend and the black kitty would get along just fine. :)

  4. @nyl: sahree naman.. :P eh biglang lumabas yung post mo sa dashboard ko eh.. so yun.. comment naman ako agad.. hahaha! :P

  5. @Nate: Don't apologize. Masaya nga ako na nakadaan ka eh. hehe And Miley pala is a work friend. She was asking sa Twitter kung first comment daw ba siya. haha

  6. Cats - and by extension, kittens - are graceful, proud, and haughty creatures that, for all their fabled nine lives, often meet grisly, violent ends.

    Perhaps they sense this, and is the reason why they live their lives with such nonchalance. Sleep, stretch, eat: no time for introspection, life is short, a speeding car somewhere has your name on it, Miss Kitty.

    The "smile" on dead avant-garde kitty could easily be a grimace. A silent scream of a death-mask, or an eternally-frozen laugh at the absurdity of living a life, when it all ends in death, anyway.

    Life can be a big cosmic joke, which is why I find it apropos to end with lines from two incarnations of popular homicidal jesters. The Joker in Batman grinned and declared: "Go, go, go with a smile." And of course,the Joker in The Dark Knight smirked and asked: "Why so serious?"

    Indeed...why so serious, Nyl? It's just life. No one gets out of it alive.

  7. @Rudeboy: You know how fucked in the head I can be. haha but you're not so different, either. Whurrabout "slient scream of a death-mask" ? haha I guess we all go through life, making such a big deal of the little things we are when in a couple decades time, it's not even going to matter.

    ooh, slightly OT. I've been trying to hit you up on YM but I'm not sure if that ID's still alive.

  8. @ Nyl : Touche!

    I'm pleased that you called me out on being seriously fucked in the head, too, hehe, especially when it comes to obsessing over things. That's why I try to refrain from too much posting whenever I find myself spiraling into depression. While "talk" therapy is helpful, over an extended period of time it can be draining on the "listener."

    Not that I don't enjoy reading your online thoughts, mind you.

    As for YM, the ID is alive; I just don't use YM, or any chat program, all that much nowadays. Why, did you want to talk about something?

  9. @Rudeboy: That's what I was afraid of. I guess that's why (whether or not anyone believes me) i've been sort of holding back posting stuff here. I've been scribbling on my journal more often. Gusto ko, as much as possible I don't keep posting sad stuff (oops) or I post other angles of what happened. I don't want to bore people with my babbling. lol

    "Not that I don't enjoy reading your online thoughts, mind you."

    Is this because of your favorite S word? lol

    I was gonna ask you something pero next time nalang. The lovely thing about YM is no one's on it anymore so it's okay to log in again. haha

  10. @ Nyl: Ah, here we go, I had a feeling you might take it that way.

    All bloggers should feel free to post whatever they damn please on their own blogs, but yes, I agree that we censor ourselves at times, for various reasons. Fear of alienating our readers, of being misunderstood, or perceived as chronic whiners/braggarts/self-centered narcissists spring first to mind.

    Having said that, I do wish you would post a little more often. But if it's between "Quality" and "Quantity", very well, I shall make like the Marvel fanboy I once was and patiently wait for the next issue.

    And what's my favorite "S" word?

  11. we do self sensor ourselves alot. i also tend not to post sad stuff often. i write them in my journal instead, like you do. besides, the sadness often goes away in my case, i deal with it sooner or later.

  12. Nyl, we dont know each other for realexcept for the blog and facebook, but i can see how brilliant and smart and kindhearted you are at your age.

    There is someting good and bright ahead of you. Just be the good person you can be because no matter what when it comes to putting yourself in relation to another human being or anything at all, you dont have control on it. We only have control on ourself. As long as you know you are doing the right way, be happy about it.

    As to love, ahhh... You have to surrender to it i believe. You cannot putmund and heart together or you will never be 100% happy. Jus be prepared for what it will bring you. As i have said, we dont have control over the other party.

    Have fun! You are young!


  13. @Rudeboy: S=schadenfreude lol Thanks to Avenue Q, I've grown to love it too.

    I know it's gonna sound all pompous and stuff but I honestly don't feel like I can really post whatever I damn please. I'm too worried about the things that you mentioned and maybe at the heart of it all, I'm worried people will see that I am a chronic whiner. haha

    I'll do my best to post more often. I had to turn down a business prop because I couldn't deliver the two posts/week they were asking. Besides, nakakasawa din kung palagi nalang diba?

    I'll get over this writer's block ekek as soon as I can. I miss the times when I'd have something new every week.

    @Eon: Hey! You're here! :)

    The journals are really helping. I once talked about how when I started this blog, I was alone whenever I wrote. Now, I have so many people in the room with me when I write. I'm worried about how people will see me, how they'll interpret what I post and stuff like that. So there, the journal has been a great help.

    Good luck in LA! :)

    @JJ: That's so sweet of you. I also wish the same for you. It'll take some time to get my mind out of the equation but I'll figure it out. That's how it's always been anyway. :)

  14. The first paragraph of "This Year's Love (I)" is spot on. My college buddy, and syndicated writer Andrew Durham ( ) states in person and on his sites "Everything has the potential to be meaningless."

    True, but I'd like to try and find the meaning whenever possible. Your "re-imaging" on this current post proffers a dilemma we all face at times. However, I don't WANT to fall in love again. Awkward, tiring, fraught with uncertainty, and sometimes messy.

    And maybe I'm just too old and faded (jaded?) to go there again. At least that's how I feel this morning....


  15. @Rick: I wish I could be as strong as Andrew. Like you, I still try to find meaning in things, however minute the detail.

    As for falling in love again, I suppose you could be the mommy cat one day and the baby cat the next. Today, I'm feeling hopeful. Let's hope you find your way to the other side of the fence too. :)

  16. my partner found me in the battlefield, bathing in my own pool of blood, believe me.

    so when he took my hand, i told myself: "the heck, what have I to lose anyway?"

    may that shooting star grant your wish my friend. ♥

  17. @Jon: That's so sweet. I wish you all the best. :) You, him and the penguin. lol

  18. love in adult life doesn't create new wounds. it just revisits those created in our childhood by the people we depended on. for that reason, our involvement in the (re)wounding takes on a more active character.

    (hate, by the way, is a negative form of need.)

  19. @LOF: I guess that's why we almost always seem to be doomed to repeat our fathers' mistakes. haha I know I'm so opening up a can of worms here. *hides*

    And yes, I need to understand him. I need to write the story down. I just can't seem to at the moment. The cursor kept blinking so I dug this post up to keep it busy.

  20. Are you still the same person from three years ago? Or does he come back again? :)

  21. @Juber: Of course, hindi na. Minsan nakakamiss no? San ba nakakahanap ng time machine?

  22. ":i wish i'll fall in love again" too :)

  23. it is a truism that many of us live the unlived lives of our parents -- which was a gay guy, well, can be uncomfortable to think about... lol

  24. as what most people here said, you have to surrender to love to fully experience it. and yes, you are way too young to be so jaded about it. :)

    id like to believe that there's always a perfect time for everything, you just have to have faith.


  25. @Rei: Let's keep our fingers crossed.

    @LOF: It is rather uncomfortable. I don't want to think of my dad that way. Although the same thinking is probably why no one's asked about me yet. haha

    @Isabelle: Sorry, didn't mean to sound so jaded. I'm learning to trust that it'll happen in time. Having close to zero EQ, it's been tough. haha

    Welcome to my blog! :) Hope you enjoy your stay (hotel? haha)

  26. I'll tag you a photo of a dissected cat I posted in Facebook last year, Nyl! Anyway, I have a soft spot for cats. They're the perfect poster animal for introverts, in my opinion. I enjoy exchanging purrs and meows with them. Meow!

    Reading this reminded me of shootings stars again. I last saw one about two-three months ago, however, nothing compares to the memory of seeing my first shooting star back in third grade. It's clearer than the others that came after it. :)

  27. Damn, a crushed cat in your phone? No way. :))

  28. @Spiral: This post is starting to be about cats more than anything. lol Yes, I love how they so easily become metaphors for whatever. Just ask Murakami.

    And everybody now, let's sing! Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

    @Vher: My old phone. lol Wala na yung picture na yun.

  29. There is something about a cat in how they approach life with chosen aloofness and an I'll see you when and if I feel like it that I envy. Brazen independence and unabashed affection as they see fit. I have a feeling the cat may have been smiling. They live on an edge and are definately on to something!

    David Gray/This Year's Love.. Yum!

  30. @Amy: I have a feeling I may have been a cat in a past life. lol

    And yes, this song is super love. I feel like David Gray pulls at my heart strings whenever he sings the chorus.

  31. it's a pact with the devil... and ironically done by those most fervently for christ. lol

  32. @LOF: I can't speak for everybody but I know that my folks are super religious. Not sure what you mean by "pact with the devil." Creepy. lol

  33. Kabirthday, do you have a coming out post? [i'm sorry off-topic ito]

    I read back kasi and windang ako sa mga unang post mo! Hahaha. October 2004. I wanted to figure out the post which made you cross the grimy lake and the salty sea. Gusto ko lang mabasa. :)

  34. those that are most fanatical harbor a secret doubt, and i argue here in your blog's comment section, that that secret doubt is projected onto one's children to be lived through them (one's unlived life). life is very complicated so its not exactly so simple as "my dad is gay and didn't go there so i'm living it for him"... except well, when it is. lol. that's the devil's pact that a parent makes (and therefore the sins of the father are visited on his children).

  35. napaka-H U S A Y! fuck. nanliliit ang pageemote ko.

    about your question, go to blogger dashboard. click template on the drop down menu and apply your preferred dynamic views. :))

  36. @Kabirthday: Hmmm... how do I explain this without looking like a fool? haha well, you see, for the longest time, I wasn't out. Not even on this blog. If you read entries that date back to as recent as 2009, fiction posts were written in the female perspective and the non-fiction ones were purposively ambiguous. One post in particular* struck the ire of Herbs (one of the coffee babies). And with good reason. Kahit ako napapa-cringe.

    To cut the long story short, mga last year, I started fictionalizing all my posts and then I changed URLs and removed all traces of my real name. There are gay posts every now and then but I don't think they define my blog naman. So yun. Walang coming out post. haha

    @LOF: In that case then my dad and I apparently have more things in common that previously though. lol

    @Mots: Huwow! Ikaw pa nanliit sa emote mo eh ako nga tong napaka-fan mo. haha

    Salamat sa tip. Shinare ko narin siya sa friend ko. Sad lang kasi you can't keep the widgets eh sobrang dependent na ako sa template ko. :)

  37. Kabirthday, I grapple the essence that you're trying to exude. Thank you very much for the [arbitrary] honesty: I groove on it.

  38. @Kabirthday: Actually, kabirthday din natin pala si Herbs. lol

    Not sure if this'll help but I've been drafting a post about coming out for a long time now. Nasa back burner lang siya for many reasons. :p

  39. This is better than reading sad tweets or suicidal posts. I want to quote Jewel again for the last time... "You could hurt me with your bare hands, you could hurt me using the sharp end of what you say..." Like the little kitten we sometimes let people into our lives half-expecting them to hurt us. And when it happens we nod to ourselves knowingly. And smile, because though the hurt part happened, the happy parts happened too...

  40. @Glentot: Aww Glenny, you made me smile today. :)

    "though the hurt part happened, the happy parts happened too..."

    I have to put this on a mug or a shirt somewhere. Sometimes, I struggle with remembering it.

    And of course, a Jewel song deserves another Jewel song.

    Be careful with each other
    These fragile flames
    For innocence can't be lost
    It just needs to be maintained

    Let's make sure we always maintain our innocence. :)

  41. nung tinanong mo nga ako, sabi ko bakit nagtatanong tong si citybuoy eh honggondo gondo nong template niya hehhe

  42. @mots: nambola ka pa when everyone knows what a talented artist you truly are. at first nga, akala ko ikaw gumawa nung dynamic layouts eh. haha with your eye for detail and talent, naisip kong di talaga malayo. :)

  43. lagi ko naman sinasabing maganda lay-out mo kahit noon pa. :))

    tara na, lesgo pishing na :)

  44. @Mots: Napa-back track tuloy ako ng comments. haha Salamat, sir mots.

    Tara, may pamingwit na ako. San tayo? :)

  45. I was quite disturbed with what happened to the kitten. I LOVE cats. ^^

    No one really knows what the future holds. So don't be afraid of opening the door again. Go. Surprise yourself.

  46. @Jerro: Oooh, more pussy love. lol

    Yes, I fully intend to surprise myself again. I think this post helped me more than my last emo posts. ;p

  47. yes. most disturbing of those among us with homophobic fathers. lol

  48. @LOF: Disturbing? Yes. Puts things in perspective? Hell yeah.

  49. The first and only time I saw a falling star, it was after meeting my ex for the first time. Did you meet a person before the cat? Hahaha

  50. LOL di ko agad nakita yung from three years ago. Hahaha

  51. @Yohan: Did you wish on that falling star? lol

    When I wrote this three years ago, it had a different ending. I felt pressured to mature sa office and I wished to be strong and mature and all that shit.

    Did it come true? I guess. Boring na ako ngayon eh. haha

  52. three years down the road, which one have you grown more into and are you wishing for the same thing? when love does come your way (or if it already has), wish on nora, vilma, sharon, and maricel that it will be for life. jologs lang. have a good weekend nyl.

  53. @Sean: Wishes and stars change. Parang ako nalang hindi. lol My weekend was awesome, Sean. Hope yours was too. :)

  54. may nahuli na ako citybuoy... :)

    1. Mots: Daya! Paano tayo magpipishing kung nauna ka na? *taas isang kilay* hehe