Monday, October 24, 2011

this is your life

Last night, I let a paid man fuck me. It had been years since anyone went down there and though I thought it would be like riding a bike and a few moments to jog my memory would be all it would take, it wasn’t. I felt like this man went inside my body, spit on my soul and asked for payment.

And my legs hurt from the haphazard massage that came before it. I went to one of those dinky massage places. Within moments, I was butt naked with my face pressed on a hard mattress. The entire place reeked of semen, cigarette smoke and broken dreams. Through the harsh red lighting, my seemingly innocent masseur asked me if I liked it hard.

An hour later, he was inside me. I was okay at first but then I started weeping. The pain was a little too much. Though he was pretty short, his cock had somehow transformed from flaccid and infantile to erect and ginormous. I thought that the bit about me paying for this would ease the pain or that he would stop when I told him to but despite all I said, he kept going and going and going. He rode me hard and with such abandon. Intent on getting my money’s worth, I focused on the ceiling and made patterns with the irregular brown stains. He finally came, then I came and we settled the bill. As he popped out to get a towel to wipe the blood and shit off my leg, I closed my eyes and imagined I was at the beach, relaxing with the warm sun in my face. I imagined I was far, far away.

And then I realized at that exact moment that this is what I've become. This has become my life.

Two weeks ago, Nick asked if he could “borrow” some money. This was weeks after his last text to me. His promises to love me despite myself were left hanging in the air. I sincerely thought I would never hear from him again but when I opened my eyes, he was in front of me, taking the last of my money. I looked at him, trying to memorize each line on his face for in my heart of hearts, I knew. I knew I would never see him again.

A sugar daddy at age thirty-three. I guess that’s why I allowed the masseur to fuck me even though I didn’t really want him to. At least I knew what I was getting into. I paid him to fuck me. There weren’t any messy complications or pretensions of affection. If I give him enough money, he can make me forget that I am who I am – someone who is impossible to love without a few Ninoys involved. After we both came, the masseur and I lay side by side on the small mattress. He offered me a cigarette as he lit one for himself. His breathing was labored, probably by all the smoke in his workplace.

“Can you kiss me?” I asked him. He gave me a quick peck on the cheek. I looked at him with disapproval.

“Not like that. I want you to kiss me like you mean it.” And he did. It felt real. True enough, he was worth every single centavo. For a little over an hour and at the expense of an entire week’s salary, he was mine and I, his. It felt nice to be owned again.

He held me for a little bit and then with the sounding of the house bell, we knew our time was up. I got dressed and walked home. It was drizzling a little but I ignored it. I had my iPod on shuffle and it started playing a Switchfoot song. This is your life. Are you who you want to be? the singer asked. It was almost 5AM. The sun was beginning to rise and everywhere, people were waking up and to take part in their lives.

This is my life. I am not who I want to be.

♫: Switchfoot | This Is Your Life (2004)

62 comments:

  1. has fuck you, or fuck me (as the case may be) written all over it...

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  2. @LOF: I suppose fucking is relative. haha

    Someone wise once told me "where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. the one is the shadow of the other."

    Where does fucking come in? lol

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  3. encounters with the Self always leave one with the sense of being fucked, in its most royal sense, so no judgment here.

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  4. @LOF: So does this mean that on a different plane, I am the masseur?

    Sorry, I haven't been sleeping well. My thoughts are fevered.

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  5. *clap clap clap* I am speechless:)

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  6. i don't want to dredge icarus up again, but yes and no.

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  7. @Anonymous: Salamat! :) Feeling ko galing kang Twitter. heehee

    @LOF: Ahh Icarus. As much as I hate the comparisons, I see how closely I've flown to the sun. Kebs nalang. haha

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  8. @nyl: aww... i honestly don't know what to say.. :(

    lemme just give you cyber hugs instead.. here goes..

    *bear hugs*

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  9. @LOF: Well, last I checked, the sun shouldn't be flying towards anyone, especially not towards me. haha But what's happened has happened. We just deal with things the best way we know how.

    @Nate: Oh don't be silly! Gawa gawa ko lang to! hehe Pero I'm sure we've all had moments naman na we didn't want to be who we are or we envisioned ourselves in a different place siguro. idk..

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  10. i used "into" (sa loob) as opposed to "towards" (patungo) purposefully ... but of course, when something as bright as the sun flies into a dark crevice, something is bound to get burnt... as may happen to be the case...

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  11. @LOF: Funny how you should mention that. I stared at our prepositions for a good minute before I published my last comment.

    Oh well, you know what they say. Fire can be oh so warm and that's why I return. lol

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  12. nice one Nyl!... love this but i am actually out of word on how you have written this.

    di po sa nagmamalinis, pero parang di ko ata kaya. pero on the other hand sana nga ganun na lang, you can pay someone to just do what your lover should be doing to you. no hassles and no pain, maliban sa behind.. hahaha...

    pero kiss... gusto ko si honey lang... nawala yong dati, pareho pa din ang name at tawagan, honey at baby... para lang akong nagreview ng nangyari sa amin for 14 months... hahaha...

    nice one again...

    have a great week ahead...

    JJRod'z

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  13. sometimes a chilled heart needs a little warmth...

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  14. @JJRod'z: Ako man, parang di ko rin kaya. I'm not a saint. (In fact, third time ko na to 'to write about this kind of sex) I guess something about it just seems so interesting. When I first heard about it, parang automatic na na-pique yung interest ko. I'd love to get the other side of the story too kasi san naman ako hahanap ng iinterviewhing masahista?

    @LOF: Same can be said for beds haha but I have no intentions of warming up any time soon. The world's difficult enough as it is. I don't wanna contribute to that. ;p

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  15. Hmmm, you got me on this! I thought it was true until I read filed under fiction. It broke my heart. That's a good thing, right?

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  16. @Amy: yes, that's a very good thing. don't worry, it didn't really happen. if it did, I doubt if I could write it down at all! I'd probably get so freaked out, the post wouldn't go anywhere. hehe

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  17. @nyl: sahree naman!! :(

    ako na ang hindi nagbabasa ng tags.. anyways, the cyber hugs are for this.. "This is my life. I am not who I want to be."

    and this.. "we've all had moments naman na we didn't want to be who we are or we envisioned ourselves in a different place siguro. idk.."

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  18. i really hated seeing the fiction label. =P

    wv: peerv

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  19. Well the fiction label relieved my inability to post a comment. LELs. Another amazing post Nyl. It was like everything was real.

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  20. @Nate: Well in that case, hug away! :) hehe

    @Nishi: Takpan mo nalang ng finger. haha

    @Rei: Aww... thanks Rei! :)

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  21. There are those moment that you dont know who you are or if you really know what you are doing. This is one is worth reading. Those who can admit that at some point, you become someone that others dont know.

    *carried away much :)

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  22. @Wicked Writer: Perhaps it takes a certain braveness to admit that. Truth is half the time, we don't really have an idea what we're doing.

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  23. a little too hard on the "HARD RESET"

    don't you think?

    you owe me a story bitch!

    love yah!

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  24. oh by the way... i really really think this has something to do with the Jobert Sucaldito + Hot Guy = Rubber Shoes Collection theory...

    yun ang inspiration nito. Sure na! lol

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  25. @"Basha": Haha well, di naman tayo nakapag-usap last weekend dahil busyng-busy ka sa Popoy mo. haha

    Well, posible. haha but this was written way before all of that. haha Kwento ko sayo yung inspiration next time we meet. ;p

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  26. I was happy to notice u listen to Switchfoot :)

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  27. I got dressed and walked home. It was drizzling a little but I ignored it. I had my iPod on shuffle and it started playing a Switchfoot song. This is your life. Are you who you want to be? the singer asked. It was almost 5AM. The sun was beginning to rise and everywhere, people were waking up and to take part in their lives.

    ^This is how I've always felt whenever I walk home after staying overnight in an internet cafe out of sheer boredom when I quit my job a few months back. And I jumped to the tags after reading the first paragraph, Nyl. hahaha.

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  28. @Hero: Welcome to my blog! :) Yes, Switchfoot is love!

    @Spiral Prince: Weird feeling no? Parang gusto mo maging normal na tao. But then that means di ka normal. haha

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  29. First comment ever, and I don't know what to say.

    Bawi po ako next time, I love the song. :D

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  30. @Orange: Hello sir! Welcome to my blog! Sige lang. hehe

    And yes, Switchfoot is super love! (Nilagyan ko ng super kasi paulit ulit na. hehe)

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  31. Whew! I can breathe again... ;)

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  32. @Amy: Your concern is overwhelming. Thanks! :)

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  33. I like Switchfoot, too! But it's not my afterfuck song. LOL. Haha. And you got me, again, when I read that comment fucking is relative like OMG. Are you really Nyl? :D

    Well, this is just me trying to understand people. And just when I thought that I've did well on that department, one x-file comes out to disprove me.

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  34. oh my. one of my favorite song! naiblog ko yan dati. hehe
    are you who you want to be?
    miss u nyl! lagi ako dumadaan dito pag may bago. =D alam mo naman. im a fan.

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  35. Bigla ako napaisip: kelan kaya ulit ako pwede magpa-masahe? Haha.

    Share ko lang: pag super libog mode or kapag nasa "mating season" and katawan ko, lalo na pag may time or money at walang booking, my friends and I tend to visit the so-called "spas". Pero after the deed (you know, deed), I just feel nasty and worthless.

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  36. @Green Breaker: Haha I cuss like a sailor in real life so it's not a side of me that always sees the light of day. Haha

    Listen to Maria Mena's If You'll Stay In My Past (Parts 1-3) and you'll see those exes disappearing. haha

    @Ahmer: I miss you too, Papa Ahmer! Salamat at nakadaan ka ulit. :)

    Ronnie: So we have someone else who's actually been through this. haha I guess it's empowering as much as it makes you feel bad about stuff. I don't know. I have a few friends who are super addicted to it. Convenience daw and who am I to judge, diba?

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  37. Ay naku, Nyl. Pag andyan na, walang patumpik tumpik pa haha. Sa spa ako nakakatikim ng mga bortang hayop na pinapangarap ko HAHA #desperada #charaught

    Pero ngayon, good boy na ako. LOL

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  38. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  39. oh no sir. i though you know (no offense) you were straight. haha i kid. compelling piece, sir :)

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  40. @Ronnie: Borta talaga? haha I've gotta try that one of these days. ;p

    @Migoy: Thanks for dropping by! Welcome welcome! :)

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  41. @Ron: So sad that this was the first thing you had to read here. lol Welcome to my blog! Don't worry, I'm not always this saddening. :D

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  42. @Gaspard: I'm sorry you felt that way. :(

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  43. This is one of the personal blogs I used to read.And I am back . This blogpost is sureal! Lavet!

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  44. hush. I Hated Shakespeare and Literature when i was younger. Pero ngayon binabawi ko na

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  45. @Chino: Hey Chino! Good to have you back. :) And yes, we're all for literature.

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  46. maybe chino should take cb on one of his adventures...

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  47. @LOF: It's funny how you make me bugaw all the time. haha

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  48. it occurred to me that i needed a better response. its not that i'm making you bugaw all the time. i just see opportunities for variety in your life in your blind spot as a leo. its your blind spot that directs all attention to it in terms of debasement. in other words, mhmm... =P

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  49. @LOF: You're so funny, LOF. haha

    Go, bugaw away. It's fine by me anyway. You know everywhere he's not looking is the Leo's blind spot. ;p

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  50. Title reminded me of Fight Club's mantra "This is your life... and it's ending one minute at a time."

    Bittersweet story. Not sure if this is real, but the story felt painstakingly real.

    I love your writing, dude.

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  51. @Super Mario Palad: And you backread! haha

    I so love Fight Club so that's such a compliment.

    It says fiction but then again, in this day and age, is anything truly fiction?

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  52. Hahaha! You got me there. We mix fiction and reality all day. And being a prolific blogger yourself, you know that so well.

    I wrote a short story two months ago. As in real shit "short story", you know, the kind that wants to be taken seriously. After I wrote it, I had to find people who don't know me so well because people who know me will see all of the direct references in the story.

    It was quite unnerving to realize that I cannot write anything which is not part of me.

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  53. @Super Mario Palad: Prolific talaga? haha

    I think that's what I love about blogging. Gone are the days when I'd peddle my printouts to anybody who's give me the time of day. haha

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  54. in some parallell universe, the tables are turned. you'll be looking at your oiled palms, and still sing the same song.

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  55. As they say, in the fictional world, nothing is truly fictional.

    Started following your blog a few months ago. I must say that you are one of the truly gifted bloggers that make sense of internet clutter. I am personally exhilarated, inspired and relieved every time I read you and a few other blogs.

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  56. @Sean: What a wonderful thought! I'd like to see what that parallel universe is like. Maybe in that world, I wouldn't be so effing sad all the time.

    @Ethan: Well, (officially) welcome to my blog! :)

    Thank you. I, too am personally exhilarated, inspired and relieved when I get comments like that. It warms my heart that people actually find meaning in my worthless two cents. Thanks Ethan! Your comment made my day. :)

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