Monday, October 10, 2011

reprising the teacher

There are moments, little victories, I suppose that I relish. I find myself in the middle of a café and I am smiling at nothing. Or I laugh at a scene in a movie and I feel like it’s real, like it’s not that laugh I keep rehearsing in the mirror at home. There are days when I hardly think of him.

But there are others that are unforgiving. They knock the wind out of me until I’m a big useless ball weeping on the bedroom floor. I press an ear against the floor, waiting to hear his footsteps returning. I imagine what they would sound like. Plop. Plop. Plop-plop. Or was it just Plop. Plop. Plop? The jingle of his keys, the turning of the doorknob, the shuffle his feet made on the welcome rug. I jump up, turn around to face the door but no one was there. I couldn’t find him. He didn’t want me to. So I guess I’ll just have to wait.

Or do I? I slowly undress, my nude body almost translucent in the livid moonlight. I picture his face, each line, each shadow. My pencil traces intricate dances on the paper. I sketch his hands and with each stroke, each line, I could feel his warmth brushing against my body. I sketch his eyes, the way they looked at me when he first beheld my nakedness. I blush. No one’s looked at me that way before, I whisper to no one in particular. I sketch his arms, his chest, his wobbly knees. I sketched him to life.

And he came into my room looking just like he did on the night that we met. A cold draft entered through the doorway. I shiver, hide myself behind feeble hands as though I hadn’t noticed I was naked. He comes towards me, his big hands reaching for mine, feeling, longing. He kisses me and it feels just like it used to.

Tell me a lie, he says. Just like before. Soft whispers in my ear trickle down like water.

I didn’t miss you. I answer, my eyes unfeeling, staring right into his.

Tell me another one.

You don’t turn me on. At least not anymore.

Another one.

I still think of you on most nights when I can’t sleep.

I told you to lie to me. He looked confused. That wasn’t a lie.

How would you know? You weren’t there.

---

Did you miss me? His breath feels warm and wet. He leads a hand down to my crotch, the pain of my arousal relentless against his will.

Now you tell me a lie. I command.

I don’t miss screwing you.

Another one.

I never loved you.

Another one.

I’ve stopped loving you.

Another one.

It’s been difficult to move on. Not when I see you like this.

I bit my tongue. I wasn’t sure if he was lying like he was supposed to. All I knew was either way, it would hurt.

I awake from my daydream yearning for a time so clear, it could have been a memory. Whatever happened to us? I used to see us, hands clasped, waking up to a million forevers. Why did we have to lie?

♫: Azure Ray | Sleep (2001)
Post: in oblivion [mots]



Reprising again / Year Seven. I haven’t reprised any bloggers in a while. In case you weren’t here last year, they’re like song covers for blogs but way looser. Click here to see the others. Ooh, and this blog just turned seven years old last Thursday. I know I haven’t been the most consistent blogger but it means a lot to me that you guys are still here despite my craziness. Thank you for the friendship and the encouragement-slash-ego boost. I promise to write more often real soon.

50 comments:

  1. i think you're being a little hard on yourself... in any event, thanks for reminding me. my seven years is coming up soon....

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  2. @LOF: Time flies, no? I was thinking if I had a kid the day I started my blog, I'd probably have a very different life right now.

    I'm still on the fence about this post. Something tells me I may have held on to it for too little/too long. Either way, something's off.

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  3. you did give birth. you see, some work it out through a mix of prose, poetry and vlogs... others have kids and make them work it out through a mix of prose, poetry and vlogs. lol

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  4. @LOF: Unfortunately, I have no kids to show for although it would've been a lovely excuse for all the pounds I've put on. haha

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  5. Where is Nyl? What did you do to him?

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  6. @Pipo: Hey Pipo! I'm still here, I think hiding behind old posts and other bloggers. Sana next post, okay na. ;p

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  7. in most break-ups and parting ways, acknowledging these things wouldm ake it easy to let go. kasi kapag wala ka pa sa stage na ganyan ang stage is.... more on wanting to keep and come back.

    just go on. and be strong...

    i love the way you express it.

    take care my young friend!..


    JJRod'z

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  8. @JJRod'z: Thanks, JJ! :) Don't worry, this is mostly fiction naman. I identified with some parts of it pero it was also the post I reprised and this draft I saved sa phone ko half a year ago. ;p

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  9. This post makes my heart hurt. I like the original one better, there were less words but the impact on me is stronger. Ewan siguro dahil binasa ko lang ulit.

    Anyway, kung sino man 'yung ulupong na nagpahirap sa'yo, malas siya. I'm sure one day he will regret that he let you go. or maybe ngayon pa lang, nagsisisi na siya.

    You will hurdle over this, my friend. And you will find a better love soon. Hindi man romantic love pero love comes in different forms, all are fulfilling naman. hihi. :-)

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  10. it never fails to indulge the emotion.nice work!

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  11. @Miley: Thanks for saying that. I originally intended for it to be super short nga kaso ewan ko ba, parang I don't trust the words enough. Feeling ko kulang sila. Glad to see somebody liked that version.

    And don't worry, naka fiction label yung post. hehe

    @mangpoldo: Hello sir! Welcome to my blog. :)

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  12. sensually painful or painfully sensual?!?!

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  13. i was referring back to our father discussion in the last post. lol =P

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  14. @nyl: hmm.. quite an interesting foreplay.. but not until it turns from sensual to excruciating.. :( --- "Tell me a lie, he says. Just like before. Soft whispers in my ear trickle down like water."

    wv: lemerys

    NKKLK ang wv.. anong kayang meron? hmm.. lemery? batangas?

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  15. seven years of blogging, a feat! will i last that long? hehe.

    on the story, i do have same drafts like this but i chose not to publish. sometimes, it is better revisiting it silently on your own, revising and revising until one day, the voice decides to change. it is like a solitary pilgrimage to a place you fell and started to pick the pieces, first the agony and soon you will revisit to offer thanksgiving.

    (di ako gaano makarecover sa 7 long years of blogging, inspiring, citybuoy.)

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  16. @Gervin: Maybe a little bit of both. I personally think it's impossible to have one without the other.

    @LOF: There you go. Makes sense to me now. You know I'm a little slow when it comes to these things. haha

    So I guess it's great that I got to realize this part of me. Otherwise, I'm passing on more issues to my kid. hehe

    @Nate: Was it excruciating? I'm sorry about that.

    And perhaps WV is telling you to take the boyfriend on an out-of-town trip! :)

    @Rudeboy: Thank you! :)

    @Pepe: I agree with you. There are times when posts get better in time when you work at it slowly, like a slow fire I guess?

    And inspiring talaga? Of course, we can all last that long. Puro kaekekan lang naman yung first few years ko eh. haha Nagkataon lang na sa sobrang pagka-pack rat ko, hindi ako nagbubura ng history. lol Salamat Pepe!

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  17. Interesting topic for a 7th year post: lies. Those darn little things that can bring dream castles down on their own. Haaaaay. Happy new year to you, Nyl. :)

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  18. antagal mo na! isa ka nang haligi dito. haha jk. argh. naiinis ako sa ganda ng mga entries mo. salamat dito

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  19. I'm glad you're still writing, even if not regularly. Happy blog-birthday! :)

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  20. @nyl: ay, gnun?? hmm.. cge, let's see.. hihihihi... --- And perhaps WV is telling you to take the boyfriend on an out-of-town trip! :)

    wv: torism

    omg.. signs ba ito?? lemerys, then torism? itu-tour ko si boyfie sa lemery?? hala..

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  21. @Spiral: They're like termites, I guess. You don't see how deep in shit you are until the cupboards start deteriorating.

    @Mots: Salamat din, sir. :)

    @Beliza: I'm trying to. haha It's been a challenge to get back to my weekly post rate. But I'm trying not to get stressed out about it.

    @Nate: See, dalawa na yan. haha Go go, mag VL na!

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  22. Clearly we need cupboards made of stone! :D

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  23. it's time to breath slow. count from one to ten with your eyes closed. and start anew. :)

    PS the first two lines are from a song, so...hehe and happy 7th year NYL

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  24. I like it when you post things like this.

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  25. @Spiral: But then what do we do about water damage? lol We need unbreakable cupboards!

    @Rei: Thank you, Rei. Yes, must remember to breathe. :)

    @Vher: You do? I've got a few more I plan on writing. Hopefully, they won't seem as hurried. :)

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  26. @Glentot: No, they don't. Haha I have yet to find a sexual act as honest as the handie. lol

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  27. Zexy! Here's a lie, I hate this! :D

    Happy Anniversary!

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  28. @James: Zenkyu! lolz lemme lie to you too. :p I super hate your blog. lol here's to more years of blogging for us all! *clink*

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  29. Catharsis has its price. We wake up, thinking it was all a dream, a rather lucid and exquisite one. But there's a pang in waking up, knowing that it was, after all, a dream and that eventually we'd have to take the blue pill. No alternatives.

    Happy 7th anniversary to your blog. Longevity is a proof of many things, character for one. Because it tests it, as much as it allows its growth.

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  30. Nyl, you forget that we live at the Poles. All the water's frozen, dear. Stone cabinets, go! hahahaha

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  31. @Red: It's the contrast that kills me, I suppose. And thank you, Red. I hope I've grown as much as I've been tested.

    You know, for the longest time I thought you held a grudge. Glad to see it was all in my head. :)

    @Spiral: Oh yeah, that's right! :) You know I'm thiiiis close to giving this valkyrie thing a decent shot. lol

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  32. still here. more inconsistent than you are. hehehe. happy seventh, nyl.

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  33. @Gentle: Wow, you really are back! :) Thanks Gentle, you've been missed.

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  34. happy se7enth. now, how about you write a book?

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  35. @Alter: Oh, I'd love that. I just don't think I have the balls to do it yet. haha Maybe in another 7 years? lol

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  37. Not gonna lie. This was amazing. I relate all too well. I dream of my ex-boyfriend all the time even when I am awake. You nail the tension of relationships beautifully in your writing.

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  38. @She Writes: Wow, coming from someone who quite recently made my jaw drop by the tension in writing, that means so much. Thanks Amy. I hope we both stop dreaming of exes soon.

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  39. huwaw. 7years! instutusyon na! haha
    btw, i'm a fan =)

    -xion

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  40. I agree with you. It's impossible to have one without the other.

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  41. @Xion: Uy! Welcome to my blog. :) Salamat. :)

    @Amy: Then let's make it happen. haha Now, how do we control that? lolz

    @Tame Lion: Welcome to my blog too! :) I'd like to think relationships can survive without lies but thus far, I've yet to see that happen.

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  42. 'Why did we have to lie?'

    Complications at times make you realize what you really want.

    On a brighter side, atleast you do.

    Don't you?

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  43. With just that conversation i felt so touched! I had this kind of feeling and situation happened~

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  44. Para akong nanood ng pelikula sa sinehan. Kitang-kita ko ang lahat ng mga pangyayari. At umuwi ng bahay mabigat ang loob sa kalungkutan.

    You're a good writer, Nyl. The blog world needs you. Happy 7th blog year.

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  45. @Stranger: Hello stranger (ala Closer) and welcome to my blog. :)

    I guess knowing what I want can be considered a good thing. It's not getting it that sucks. ;p

    @Tim: Relate ba? Share mo. :)

    @Jerro: You're too sweet. hehe Salamat Jerro! and I apologize for the heavy feelings.

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  46. Beautifully written. It made me cry. I called my partner up in the middle of the night because of this.

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  47. @OΩΔSZI: Hello! Welcome to my blog! :) What did your partner say? Sana di kayo humantong sa ganito. Masakit eh.

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