Monday, February 21, 2011

rain

Bonnie Raitt  
I Can’t Make You Love Me  
Luck of the Draw  

I shed no tears in front of you but in the solace of my room, I am left with nothing to do but recount the steps that lead us here. These tears in my eyes and the hollow in my heart are my only witnesses. I hold your memory here.

It starts raining. I walk outside and with cupped hands, I try to catch the rain. I watch as the cold raindrops slip through my hands. I stick out my tongue, my mouth fills with rain. Perhaps this is all love is—a fleeting feeling, an inevitable ending.

I recount times I took for granted. There was a time when my heart could call out to you and you would hear it. Our hearts were bound by invisible string. Now I’m calling out to you, my voice frail but strained. Can you still hear me? There was a time when I’d reach out my hand and it would find you sleeping next to me. I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you.

I never used to mind being alone. Now it haunts my sleeping and waking life. All day, silences are filled with regrets. Maybe I could’ve tried harder. Maybe you could’ve loved me back.

Someday, you and I will look back at this mess of a situation. Over coffee, cigarettes and pleasantries, we’ll talk about how good we had it back then. And if I’m good and pay my dues, maybe it won’t hurt as much. If I drink my milk and eat my vegetables, maybe you wouldn’t notice how I haven’t moved on. Maybe then, we could try again.

But right now, that seems like an eternity away. I will see many moons before I am ready. I still love you. You are in the rain, in the sunlight, in the darkness when I close my eyes. You are in my head constantly and in my heart eternally.

Oh God, what can be done with the hours? I have all this time and no one to spend it with. All this love and no one to share it with. I have all this life and only one person I want to live it with.

I come back inside, close the door and turn down the lights. Tonight, I set down my torch—the one I carry for you. It is heavy and my hands burn from holding it for too long. In its place, I light a candle. Until the flame dies out, my heart will ever be yours waiting.

Photo Credit: f8 in the rain

62 comments:

  1. :'( apparently I can relate, I just hate messy break-ups (kudos to this one! I can leave a message even though I don't have a blogspot account)...love more dear nyl!! -dindin

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  2. imagine the opposite feeling: I have no life left and I want to live it with everyone.

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  3. Hugs.

    Hopefully, he could stop being a ghost soon. There's always the afterlife

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  4. i get this. i know the feeling of the quiet taking over the day and night. but be well. *hugz*

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  5. At some point, I woke up. The candle had become a blob of solid wax on the table, burned wick embedded and spent. I scraped it off the table and dropped it into a plastic garbage bag.

    Opening the window, the sun was shining, and I felt warm inside and out.

    It was a new day. I was happy again.

    Occasionally, I have to remind myself of that....

    Rick

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  6. @Dindin: Yeah, I enabled anonymous comments. :) Thanks Dindin!

    @LOF: What an interesting thought. It would be scary. I wouldn't want to have that.

    @Herbs: Don't worry. This was a long time ago. It's embarrassing but this post is the blog equivalent of a mash-up of a lot of people. I'm okay with all of them now.

    @That Girl: It's freaky, right? And it's like there's no way to fill your day with enough activities.

    @Rick: I think we all need reminders like that every now and then. That memory is a tricky lover.

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  7. I am on this state for the past few days. I can not help but to think it over and over again. The heartache is still lingering after a long time. If I could just turn back time.

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  8. @Vhinong: Hello Vhinong! Welcome to my blog! Don't worry, temporary lang yan. They say everything is temporary, right? So even that sadness will pass. For me, I can still feel some of the hurt that inspired this post. But everyday, it gets better. And each day I wake up feels better and better.

    Naks, ako na. Ako na tumatae ng rainbows. haha

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  9. it's like two different meditations wrapped into one. paraphrasing here: 'when we suffer, when we doubt, it can be helpful to zoom out.' HH XIV Dalai Lama

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  10. hay naalala ko din yung mga panahong im still on the process of moving on.. sakit talaga... tsk2...

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  11. a candle in place of a torch. how big is this candle?!

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  12. @LOF: I love how your paraphrase rhymed. lol If I could, I'd go back in time and slap some sense into my 20 year old self.

    @Kiko:But it feels good when you realize that you're okay na, no? That's how I felt when I was writing this down.

    @Spiral: It's a pretty small one, I guess. haha Last night, I was thinking about that last paragraph and I realized it was a little strange. I guess I knew I was going to move on easily. It's just the intensity of the emo-ness at that exact moment that I had to worry about.

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  13. @Clyde: Sorry, didn't see your comment there. I'm good. Don't worry. Haha this was kinda old. I had a different style then. Yikes! I should've written a disclaimer.

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  14. i am relieved na multo ito ng nakaraan at hindi tungkol sa kasalukuyan. :)

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  15. medyo kinabahan ako dito ha. i had to stop reading after the first 2 paragraphs and scroll down to the labels. no "a". whew. flashback. good, good. only then did i go back to reading the whole post. =)

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  16. i think you were about 20 when HH spoke those words (or similar)

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  17. Yeah, the future is quite different. Could be funny actually. . . . in retrospect.

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  18. @Aris: Thanks Aris! Yeah, ganun talaga. Parang natutuyuan ako. haha

    @Mark: Talaga? Ikikwento ko yan kay A. I'm sure matutuwa yun. hehe

    @LOF: Unfortunately, you know how I am with current events. I'm almost always a decade behind. lol

    @Peter: I've explored future memories in a previous post. Perhaps this is its antithesis. (wait, mali ata usage ko nung word *googling*)

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  19. this one is the nicest post that i have read here in the blogsphere.. i dont really know if its just good or its just that i can relate to this coz ive been there and done that :)

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  20. Nice. Something everyone can relate to. =)
    Basta ako, I will never get used to goodbyes ata tlaga - good or bad. Haha. Ingat.

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  21. @Carmie: Hello! Welcome to my blog. Thanks for your kind words. I guess this is something everyone must go through. I wonder if those who entered the convent at an early age can relate to pain like this.

    @Ela: And so much love from me to you! :)

    @Vince: I don't think it ever stops being painful. Siguro mas intense lang pag bata ka pa. Hopefully, I never have to go through this again. Baka mag-taong grasa nalang ako. haha

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  22. Dwelling much in the past is my chronic disease.

    Still in the process of mastering the art of moving on. :)

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  23. @Ronnie: Cue Mikaila :) It is an art form and not everyone knows how to do it right. I'll be the first to tell you I totally suck at it. It took me close to two years to get over one particular case. lol

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  24. how far back into the past is this, citybuoy?

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  25. also, citybuoy, does this past flashback an avatar of a present fear?

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  26. The second to last paragraph hits me hard. I think moving on per se is not the hard part, it's the willingness to actually do it.

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  27. @Spiral Prince: What interesting questions! Depending on which part of the post you're talking about, I'd say some time between 2006 and 2007. I tried to update it a little but I can still see the seams.

    As for whether or not it mirrors something in the present, I'd say maybe a little. No one is entirely happy. That'd just be freaky.

    I missed you! I should bloghop soon. :)

    @James: And it's easier not to, most of the time. Sucks, no? ;p

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  28. break-ups are so messy. i remembered my last relationship, but it was I who said goodbye. Too bad we won't have coffee someday. From the looks of it, we won't be friends.

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  29. mhrrr. excuse the wrong gramming! (oh heeeeey, it was another 3am comment!) well,i'm glad to know that you aren't wavering or anything. it's not always easy to permanently close doors on something. the what if questions have this tendency to eat us. alive.

    heh, i still write, yes. citybuoy comments might be very interesting, given what i've written over the past few days. hahaha. it's good to see you back, too! :D

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  30. @Rei: Who knows? It's strange how things work out but they often do. ;P

    @Spiral Prince: I will get to reading and commenting as soon as I sort some shit out. I'll be sooo back by this weekend, I promise *ack! might have to take this back*

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  31. It's tough, building a life around something that can easily be snatched away from you... there's nothing left but hours to pass, scars to heal and reopen, and memories to usher in torrential tears. Or is crying too mainstream? Maybe there are more subtle ways to deal with loss.

    Like re-reading the lines and assigning erotic definitions...

    I hold your ... here.
    I stick out my tongue, my mouth fills with ...
    Tonight, I set down my torch—the one I carry for you.

    Sorry Nyl, can't help it! Wala akong kwentang friend kung hindi kita bababuyin hahaha.

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  32. I know I am already over the hard part and that I can now smile and talk about it more comfortably, but whenever I hear or read stories such as this, I can not help but reminisce old days and with it, I remember the pain as well.

    The pain makes the memories sweeter and worth keeping. I think it is one good thing about it. But that's it.

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  33. @Glentot: You're crazy! Kaya kita namimiss eh. Yeah, when I was reading the serious part, I was just thinking about how I'm sure may pambawi to somewhere. lol

    @Pepe: Sometimes though, it makes the memories too sweet. Medyo scary din, methinks.

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  34. they say a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved...
    i hope your heart gets better soon. :'(
    and the music was just....just....waaaaa~!!!!

    i hate crying... stop crying nyl
    it'll be alright.


    -key-

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  35. @Key: Hey Key! Yes, I'm better now. It's been years and I have no right to feel bad about it anymore. lol

    Thanks for dropping by!

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  36. parang nakakarelate na talaga ako. konti nalang talaga kuya at e-a-idol na kita. hahahaha! 2 thumbs up!

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  37. Lolz @ taong grasa... but you know what, as you grow older and you've become experience-taught, you'll learn how to just take things in stride and minimize (if not avoid) the drama.. Yun ata yung sinasabi nilang 'maturity'.. =)

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  38. @James: It does, doesn't it? (echo?)

    @Ester: Naku naman! Ang sweet. lol

    @Vince: Shucks naman. Does that mean I'm mature na? Haha

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  39. and I saw not just me but another soul burning with the torch that we hold for that person that could have been...

    Hoping and wanting that they'd understand it was for them that we came along sigh... deym you! this reminded me of something :P

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  40. Each and every posting I have looked over is really efficiently created and even to the point. I would definitely moreover prefer to express, not simply tend to be that reports good written and published, but the structure of the web page is great. It was effortless to understand through content to write-up and identify what I had been wanting for with easiness. Always keep up the good work you are carrying out, and I will be return several times in the near future.

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  41. yeah. let's--I'll hope for the better.

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  42. good2!
    your welcome..and kahit na hindi mo sabihin, palagi pa rin akong mag-da-drop by rito. wahaha


    -key-

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  43. @Aik: Hey! Haven't seen you hear in a while. Did it remind you of something? Oh well. I hope you're okay with it na.

    Event Lover: Thanks for dropping by! Welcome to my blog!

    @Rei: :)

    @Key: Ang sweet. Sige lang ha. I'm gonna start posting again on a weekly basis. Sana lang makapag-balik bloghop na ako.

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  44. haha. ang busy2 mo siguro teh. sige lang, i-pi-pray ko yan. promises! :D



    -key-

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  45. I had a terrible slump, but I have been reading you most of the time. Yeah there is no where else to go when your down but up. :)

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  46. Maganda rin yung version ni George Michael ng I Can't Make You Love Me. Which reminds me, whatever happened to the guy? Wala ng balita, hehe

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  47. @Key: Thanks! Sometimes, I feel like I need all the intervention I can get.

    @Aik: Good luck. Key's giving away prayers if you wanna have some :)

    @Andy: Hmm... good question. Isn't he in prison or something?

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  48. funny how almost everyone knows how it feels. reminds me of The Past. haha.

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  49. @Yohan: Did it make you run your hands through old scars? :p

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  50. "If I drink my milk and eat my vegetables, maybe you wouldn’t notice how I haven’t moved on. Maybe then, we could try again."

    I'm having trouble understanding the lines above.

    If persona wants to give ex-lover the impression that he/she has moved on, then why the hope of reconciliation? Isn't the reason for moving to get closure?

    I hope you can explain the character's motivation for it.. I really enjoy the blog and I wanna understand it really well :)

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  51. @Kristan: Hey there! Welcome to my blog. Those lines were from a time in my life when I said I would never let go of my love even if it was never reciprocated. I had no intention of moving on or forgetting. Good thing I eventually did. lol

    Listen to Dido's White Flag. Theme song yan ng mga ayaw mag-move on.

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  52. I know! Haha it's the season, I guess.

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  53. Beautiful as always. I love how the song nicely complimented the prose. I almost could relate to this story if it wasn't for a fortunate turn of events earlier this day. But still it made me cry. Thanks for the good read. :)

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  54. @Clarriscent: I'm glad it didn't turn out this way. It's always good when things work out.

    You're very welcome and thank you for dropping by. :)

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  55. "Perhaps this is all love is—a fleeting feeling, an inevitable ending."

    this makes me cringe. love has a way of jading the heart :c

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  56. @Subtle Perspirations: Hello there! Welcome to my blog. Yeah, it can jade us just as much as it can make us feel like pure like newborn babies. haha If you think about it, the duality's enough to blow our minds away. :)

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  57. this is one of my favorites! An inevitable ending that cuts my soul. Oh well, my first heartbreak has its own way of hurting me whenever I remember it. Amazing how we're still alive every after death :)

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    Replies
    1. Hehe: Wow, this takes me back! Welcome to my blog. This post is the older brother nung current one ko (cruel hope). Mahilig ako dun sa torch/candle thing no?

      Sabi nga ni kuya Cat Stevens, first cut is the deepest. Kasi wala pa naman atang namamatay sa first hearbreak. :p

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