Tuesday, October 26, 2010

if i were you

Tamia  
If I Were You  
A Nu Day  

There are three people in this story- him, me and you. Now, how many of us will end up hurt after all this is anyone’s guess. If you ask me why I did what I did, I really wouldn’t know what to tell you. I was searching for something, the way a kid breezes past lonely grocery aisles when he has a sweet tooth. But no one ever told him he was looking too quickly. No one warned him that when you run, things have a way of passing you by.

There’s a part of me that will always love him. I think that’s the way it is for everyone we have loved. But this particular love was destructive. I was young then, unaware of the dangers that conceal behind the guise of love. I married him without a prenup, figuratively, of course. He would have all of me whether or not that relationship worked out. It was chaos, I know but it was our chaos and I gave furiously without requiring anything in return.

It didn’t work out and like a broken wing, my heart was dormant for close to three years. I tried endlessly to fly but it hurt too much. I numbed myself, sure that it was the only way I could survive. I promised I would never give myself the way I did with him. I built an impenetrable wall around my heart. Relationships became logical and unfeeling. Fucking started to feel routinary and mechanical. There was only one goal: to feel better. Slowly and in time, I became stronger. I learned to live my life without anyone seeing I was hollow. I was stronger, yes, but at what price?

And then you came into my life. You changed everything. You made me think that maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t as broken as I thought and I wanted to hold on to the feeling for as long as I could.

One day, you asked to see my heart. Shaking, I held it up for you to see. I was afraid you’d look closely and see the cracks, the pieces of scotch tape and dried-up glue recklessly put into place. I knew you could tell that a part of me was dead. What crushed me was that you stayed anyway. You would kiss me with your eyes closed. I could feel your passion and the pressure to love you in equal amounts.

I wanted to. I really did. It’s just, I had given all my passion to him. I had nothing left to give. Would you be angry if I told you I went to him to see if I could get it back? I wanted to see if that part of me was still there, hiding behind layers of bitterness and sorrow. And so I came to him and over vodka and triple sec, he showed me that my passion was still there, sleeping. Waiting. Why was it so easy for him to bring it out? Was it because he was the last person to make me feel it? Was it because he was the last person who had all of me?

That night opened my eyes to a lot of things. I learned that you could only pick at a scab so many times before it starts bleeding again.

Would you hate me if I told you that I fell into his arms? I do. I’ve been blaming myself nonstop since I left his house, shitfaced and intoxicated late that night. I’m a bad person. Behind all the pretenses and walls I put up, I am an evil, needy person who only takes and never gives back. Cliché as it may sound, you deserve better. You’re a good person who should only be surrounded by rainbows, butterflies, perhaps a unicorn with a golden saddle. Okay, bad image but you get the point.

And I said all this to you with a straight face as we looked out into the city. Your eyes were blank. From afar, I could’ve sworn I could hear a strange bird singing. You couldn’t look me in the eye. Even after my confession, all you could do was blame yourself. I am the bad one here, I corrected. You are beautiful and blameless. You have every right in the world to hate me but you chose not to. I wonder why you chose not to.

Seek vengeance, I offered. Slap me. Hit me. Tell me you’re not just gonna stand there and pretend everything’s fine. Everything’s not fine. I am broken. Don’t you see that? I cannot love you the way you need to be loved. I cannot hold you the way you need to be held. I have never admitted to it but I have always known.

I am broken. I need you to be strong so you can fix me. Can you be strong for me?

Your closed your eyes. I wanted to shake you so you would look at me, so you would talk to me but you had already retreated into your safe place. I let you because I cannot hurt you there. And though it seems that’s all I’m capable of, I never meant to hurt you like this. I never wanted to hurt you the way he hurt me.

You need me to be passionate. I need you to be strong. Could it be that in the end, all we ever do is look for ourselves in each other?

Photo Credit: speed blur

39 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Oh Lance, I was just about to edit. Haha Never mind then. I swear, this entry's got me so stressed out. Up to the last moment, I wasn't sure if I was gonna publish it.

    Distressing. Yes, but then again, most of the epiphanies I've had from you were distressing so I really shouldn't feel that way anymore.

    My parents are strong. I became strong. I think I have to do a little more research.

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  3. it's courageous and honest of you to tell someone what you really feel. maybe because you like him and be accepted by him despite what you did. :)

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  4. I'd give an arm just to be able to have this kind of problem again. When you're in a relationship that's beginning to bore the shit out of you, when you don't have sex for close to a year now, and you're living in together, then you'd give a limb, two, perhaps, just to get excited.

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  5. I learned that you could only pick at a scab so many times before it starts bleeding again.

    --> Its the "itch" that makes us want to pick at a scab - is it not? and we all know very well too that picking at a scab leaves an ugly scar but we scratch the itch anyway - masarap kasi talaga sigurong kamutin...

    PS. I'm an uber fan of your fix-me-im-broken posts... :)

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  6. we all know how hard it is to go into isolation... we all know how hard it is to build a wall that would protect us from all the pains in the world... but we all know that we do that in hope that someday a trojan horse will come crashing through those walls....

    there goes your trojan horse...

    now Nyl.... surrender!

    or ima slep yer cheekz wit mah fooking goldbahz!

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  7. @Ced: I guess that's part of it but at that time, I just wanted to suffer in all Catholic guilt. Di naman ako katoliko. I wanted to be punished so I could be redeemed.

    @Momel: Now that's a dry spell. One whole year? Wow. Didn't you try to initiate?

    They say it's different when you live together. I wouldn't really know. I still live at home. lol

    @Kaloy: Hey! Welcome back. Ikaw pala si K for Kabit. Kane was telling me about you. Sige, follow kita ha. :)

    Thanks for liking it. Honestly, I wasn't going to post this. Sanay ako na sobrang disinfected na ng posts ko. I never reveal something na very personal or very recent, at least not anymore. haha Pero this one, I felt like I was gonna explode if I didn't write it down.

    @YJ: But wasn't the trojan horse just a bunch of soldiers hiding, waiting to storm Troy?! Aaaaaaaaaah!!!

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  8. I don't want to ever go through that situation again. If it's bound to happen again, I really wouldn’t know how I'd react or do. I might not even live to tell.

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  9. I know how that feels. But look at it this way, Some people are made to break our hearts to make us a better person.

    Reminiscing is not bad, In fact it makes us feel better most of the times.

    It doesn't matter if the time that you have spent together was short or long, what matters the most is that it was real.

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  10. how do you feel now?

    -geek

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  13. i hope that your confession will be a catalyst for better things :)

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  14. robert actually asked me to hit him when i found out he cheated on me. i still don't understand why he said that...

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  15. Sa dami ng songs na na-discuss natin during our roundtable discussion, etong tamia song ang napili mo? nasan ang respeto? This is a slap to Aleck Bovick's face!

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  16. @Xtian: It's a slow death, I suppose. One that has a blind spot when it comes to songs being written or movies being made. It's terrible and I wanna move on from it as soon as possible. Kaya nga even if I was afraid of this post, I felt like I had to let it out.

    @Jayce: Yay! You took my advice and started blogging again! I love it! Welcome to my blog! :)

    Yes, it was real but it was also quite harmful. Some people are made to break our hearts but we keep letting them do it anyway.

    @Geek: Better, I suppose. We talked about it although there are still a few things that need to be discussed. I find that music helps. When I stopped listening to A Fine Frenzy's Almost Lover (a song I first learned from you! :D), I felt immensely better. Taylor Swift's Mine is my current listen. It's an active effort to put it on loop. :)

    @Kaloy: I hope so too. Gawd, I hope so too.

    @Andy: Relate? lolz

    @John Chen: It's Catholic guilt. Punish me so I can have my redemption. Prior to this, I had never said it either. I read it in books and see it in movies but I never imagined the time would come when I would say it to anyone. Behind all the masochistic references, the message is clear: I want to pay for my sins.

    @Glentot: Wala kasi akong mahanap na MP3 niya eh. But I really wanted to post Aleck Bovick's song. Sad naman. Pinaalala mo pa. lol

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  17. After each affair, you never really become yourself again because they tend to take so much of you and that sucks. But maybe you do need to lose those layers of you that they take so you can become a better individual. You know, much like how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. It's a weird, if not extremely gay, reference I know.

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  18. catholic guilt! you're so smart. that's why i love you! ;-)

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  19. @James: LOL @ butterfly reference. I think that just woke me up big time.

    Yeah, we're never the same again. It just gets confusing after some time.

    @John Chen: You're too sweet. :)

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  20. k citybouy: naku, what did Kane say? :)

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  21. You know what I'm going to say, but I'm going to say it anyway: It doesn't matter. ;)

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  22. @Kaloy: All good things. Don't worry about it. :)

    @Victor: I appreciate it anyway. :)

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  23. it occurs to me only now that the title of this post was written in the past subjunctive.

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  24. Oh yeah.. I didn't really think about it either. I just got the title from the song I embedded. :)

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  25. Yeah, just. haha The original title was really cheesy. haha

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  26. andaming na delete na messages!haha

    anyway, i hope all is well between the two of you and as you wish, he would stay strong for you and fix you soon....

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  27. Haha sila naman nagdelete niyan, di ako.

    Yeah, looks like it's starting to look that way. I just hope I don't get into another crazy episode like this.

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  28. Nyl,

    I have to admit, this is one of your most beautiful stories. You know, I've always been fascinated with torn, broken characters.

    There are those who seek redemption; there are others who are resigned to their "fate".

    You know, perhaps you feel you don't deserve this newfound love, and that is why you seek to destroy it.

    Because you want to prove yourself right, that at the end of it all, you really aren't good enough.

    Destroy it before it destroys you.

    You said it yourself -

    "I am an evil, needy person who only takes and never gives back. Cliché as it may sound, you deserve better."

    Perhaps until you believe you are deserving of his love, you will never be able to leave your past behind. And we all know what's it like.

    Kane

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  29. It's freaky how you get me without trying so hard, Kane. I guess I just don't feel I deserve A yet. Anyway, it's an internal thing that I have to deal with ASAP.

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  30. when i am speechless, i mean it. this is beatiful and sad and i feel like i can quote every line. xp

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  31. Why thank you, Kris. That's so sweet of you. :)

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  32. Hey there! I'm new in your page, glad I found your page through some Pinoy, I forget. Haha.

    You have really good writing, I can feel really tough emotion in here being spilled, shared, and felt.

    I think most of us can relate to this. Right now, I'm that person on paragraph 3. Probably not as hollow like that but sort of like that.

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  33. Thanks HalfCrazy! That's so nice of you. :) Welcome to my blog.

    For your own sake, I hope you make it out of paragraph 3 alive. I'm not quite sure if I did.

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  34. Love triangles. Hurt like hell. I don't know what to say, but yeah. Ang labo ko, hahah

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  35. Di naman. Malabo naman talaga yung situation eh. Especially if one side of the triangle is really old. lol

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  36. Replies
    1. hehe: Hey! You're here too! Sobrang tagal na nito. I almost don't recognize myself!

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