Monday, September 6, 2010

leaving

Kelly Clarkson  
Irvine  
My December  

I knew he was leaving. The signs were clear. I just didn’t want to think about it.

“If you wanna go, then go,” I said to him through my bedroom door. He was silent. The only sound I could hear was the gentle clinking of metal. My entire house moans as another lover leaves. I didn’t think it would hurt that much. I’ve certainly had my practice. But it seems all that I have of him is all that he’s left me, a single key on top of the countertop; a reclusive reminder of a love that broke before it bent.

He did not know. There was no way he could. As he left, I closed my eyes, pressed my ear to the floor and listened for the shuffle his feet made on the wood. I was waiting for hesitation, for the sound of his steps to grow louder and louder as he came to my bedroom door. I wanted him to beckon, to beg me to come out, to tell me that he was going to fight for us. I needed him to hear the words that my pride wouldn’t let me say. Please don’t leave me. Not you.

Each year, my fishbowl gets fatter and fatter with keys returned, love disposed of and the sound of footsteps walking away. As my front door ushered him out, I wondered if anyone could see how I was doubled over, weeping on my bedroom floor. Could anyone see the tears that have come to bring me slumber?

---

Like animals, we learn to adapt. We change because we live, because we can, because we refuse to be victims of our circumstances. It’s like severing an arm to save the rest of your body. We do this because as humans, we see patterns. We do this because only a fool jumps into the same fire twice.

---

The moon looked ripe that day. We were fighting in the kitchen. It’s a scene I’ve learned to memorize from years and years of repetition. The story is always the same. It’s just the actors that shuffle. This is the part where you leave.

“If you wanna go, then go,” I said to you. You looked confused. Experience has taught me that this would be the last time I would ever see you. I sat silently on the countertop but in my head, I was already in my room, head on the floor, listening to the sound your feet would make as you walked away.

“I wish you’d stop that,” you said, waking me up from my little daydream.

“Stop what?”

“Stop assuming that everyone you love will leave you. That’s probably why you’re so strange sometimes, how you’re warm one minute and cold as ice the next.” I looked up from my spot in the room. There was a strange calmness in your voice. “If you really want this to work, you have to trust me without contempt. You have to love me without fear.”

Were you there that night my first lover left? How do you know these things when I have built so many walls to keep you away? How do you know the thoughts in my mind when my tongue bleeds from being bitten? Was I that transparent? How do you know me so well?

“I’m sorry,” I said, finally breaking down.

“I’m not going anywhere,” you promised as you wrapped your arms around me. In my heart of hearts and to the lonely moon, I prayed you were telling the truth.

Photo Credit: leaving

51 comments:

  1. i wonder what really is meant when someone says "if you want to go, then go." and how that is different from "please don't leave me." (okay and one more) and how one may already set the conditions to have "everyone you love ... leave you" before anyone you love has even yet arrived...

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  2. there will always be that fear of someone leaving us behind when we love someone so much. I know. If we entertain the thought then we will not be enjoying what we have on the present because we tend to think too much of what might happen in the future.

    there will always be fights and misunderstanding. if instead of taking time to talk it over, we assume that the person we love will leave us then that might actually happen.

    every relationship is different because you are with a different person now. it's not fair to compare what happened in the past with the present. if we think that what transpired before will happen again then it may seem that we haven't moved on at all.

    so we just have to go with the flow and enjoy the moments we share with the person we love. set aside the fears. no pressures. just you loving the person and that person loving you back.

    I'm also a work in progress and have yet to learn a lot about relationships. I have my own fears but when I'm with my partner I'll always do my best to show my love and enjoy the time we have that very moment.

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  3. this i why i hate patterns, because i would always assume the next thing to happen, the next event that will unfold.

    i wish someone would say that to me, that he is not going anywhere, then i will believe with full trust that things just don't happen for purpose but for something divine.

    posts like this make me think of the moon and the sky. wala lang. char!

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  4. Nyl, pwede ang next act, comic relief naman? :P

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  5. @LOF: For starters, sometimes there is no difference between "if you want to go, then go" and "please don't leave me." Personally, I could never say the latter. Leos are too proud to beg so we stick to strange attempts at reverse psychology, hoping our unsuspecting victim will not really notice our not-so-subtle manipulation.

    As for those who love you leaving you even before they've arrived, I think it's got a lot to do with how your family life is or how your first relationships were. If you have seen it first hand, the pain of separation, it scares the shit out of you and you automatically assume that it's the reality and not the exception.

    Oh Lance, I love how you push me to come up with these answers. It just gives more meaning to the post that I thought possible.

    @Xtian: But what about ignoring the future to live in the present? I think it's a little scary too.

    I think that until you make a grand change, your circumstances will keep on repeating themselves. It's a little hard to explain without going into too much detail but for me, I kept running into emotionally disconnected people because I was always too involved. Until I learned to set human expectations, I would run into the same personality types over and over again.

    "when I'm with my partner I'll always do my best to show my love and enjoy the time we have that very moment."

    I think that's very sweet. I hope I can be the same as always. :)

    @Yas: Listen to Sade's The Moon and the Sky. Perfect soundtrack to your comment. lol

    @Drew: Try ko. Ewan ko ba. I could never really write about the things that make me laugh. I'm due to reprise another blogger next week. Hopefully, di ganun ka heavy. :)

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  6. well, i think the processing is mutual. thank you =)

    i'm very curious about how the assumption may in fact be a self-fulfilling prophecy -- which in term, may simply be repeating in fractal form, something from childhood or before...

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  7. now i'm crying... i'm still locked in that frame of mind where people always leave. and saying "if you want to leave, then leave" is like a mantra to shield me from pain. not a very effective one though for it still hurts a lot. so for the both of us i hope he makes good his promise "i'm not going anywhere". tell me he never left.

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  8. Hey, really nice post. I hope you dont mind me following you.

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  9. what will i do without my daily dose of citybuoy? this one woke me up! the last time a lover walked out on me, i hired 'professionals' to 'teach him some manners'. i can't for the life of me bear domestic dramas. i let the pros take over.

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  10. Ang sarap sanang paniwalaan yung mga nagsasabi ng ganyan. Dunno. Whatever's clever.
    Pansin ko lang ang lungkot ng mga sinusulat mo lately. Kaya ba naging dark na yung template mo from the citrus-y yellow one? Hahaha.

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  11. Btw, I like the idea of fishbowls. Haha. :D

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  12. I hate investing on something so short-lived. It hurts more especially when it feels too good to end soon. ;)

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  13. two of your best friends, on their way to your fave hangout were talking about how jaded one of them is.....

    and then they spent sometime talking about Before Sunrise and Before Sunset and how powerful these movies are to make someone believe in love again....

    and then THEY came... no, your friends didn't have to watch those movies again... they only had to look at THEY...

    yaiy! todo na toh.... bili na tayong washing machine!!! yung matibay hahahahahaha

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  14. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  15. Hmm I wonder why you removed Anton's comment...

    Anyways, mukhang nauuso ang goodbye posts? I have this poem I wanted to post, about being left behind. But i fear na overkill na ito hahaha... so back to pussy jokes.

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  16. Love this paragraph! You kinda got me here.

    “Stop assuming that everyone you love will leave you. That’s probably why you’re so strange sometimes, how you’re warm one minute and cold as ice the next.” .. “If you really want this to work, you have to trust me without contempt. You have to love me without fear.”

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  17. siyet kinilig ako...muntik pa ako maiyak huhu,i love this entry from you...damang dama ko...

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  18. @LOF: I guess it's a lot like losing interest in a book or movie after a friend tells you how it ends. We never anticipate that unlike books or movies, it's entirely possible for the ending to change.

    @Mark: Hi! Welcome to my blog.

    I think you fully understood the feelings I was trying to write. Is it because you've been through the same scenario before?

    Yeah, it's to protect us. It's scary to get left behind. So far, he's still here although something tells me he's not going anywhere.

    @Alexander: Thanks for dropping by. Welcome to my blog. And of course, I don't mind at all. Thanks! :)

    @John: Professionals? Oh crap! I don't think I can afford that. lol but looking back, there are times when I was tempted to do my research. lol

    @Yohan: At talagang na-pick up mo pa yan ha? I think I just felt like I was misrepresenting my posts. My template was too decievingly happy.

    @Alerjon: But we risk anyway, right? For most of us, we'd rather risk it than be alone.

    @YJ: Washing machine? Oh dear. Matagal-tagal pa yun. Ang sweet mo naman. Kaso, na-bore ako sa movies na yun. Ang dami kasing dada, kulang naman sa gawa. Are you saying...

    @Antonio: Thanks! Dinelete ko ha. Mahirap na. Baka trip niya magpaka-anonymous.

    @Glentot: Tsismosa! lol

    Oo nga, leave the emo-ing to us. Mawawalan kami ng market. haha just kidding. Go lang. I enjoy reading both sides of your spectrum.

    @Tricia: When this was said to me, sobrang nanghina lang ako! The last part is more of me expanding it but the first line is very exact. Sapul lang. lol

    @Mac: Relate ba? Salamat sa pag-daan at pag-basa. :)

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  19. the ending is only subject to change, if we are focused on the journey =P

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  20. @LOF: But what if we focus on a happy ending and we focus all our energy on making it work but then it doesn't? What happens then?

    Haha Yes, I am speaking from experience. lol

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  21. we come again to an ontological difference between us. the ego has a very limited role in our reality so, I don't really know how the effect of making a conscious focus on a happy ending is -- especially in a relationship that one claims to NOT want to END. but perhaps that leads us back to the beginning, is there some intention unconscious that sets out endings where we consciously want their not to be endings. =)

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  22. This was very touching. :)
    I have a terrible fear of being left, even though I've prepared myself for the inevitable.

    I guess I just make up for it by sticking around for the people I love, even when they're difficult to be with. Maybe that's how I've become so tolerant. :P

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  23. I was very emotional while reading this post... Something all of us can relate too... How everything seems uncertain.... But we all need to learn how to trust... Or else, we'll all be holding back such emotions... I cried not because I am sad... But because somehow, someone is being loved... someone is happy to be assured... And I hope it stays... I have nothing but well wishes for you, may it be fiction or not... =)

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  24. hayyy.... sometimes all we can do is hope.

    hope that the good things people say are true. normally, it's just bs. haha.

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  25. @LOF: I don't really know. But I think it has something to do with Murphy's Law. You try your darndest to make things right but then there's a seed of doubt that tells you perhaps you'll screw it up. And you do. Epic-ly. lol

    @RZ: I hope more people could learn that lesson. I've prepped myself for being alone narin. I think that's why I'm not so scared.

    @Vitori: Welcome to my blog! And thanks for your well wishes. Yes, some parts are fictional but the ones that are true, well, let's just say I've got all possible fingers crossed. :]

    @Iya: Akala ko ba nosebleed? lol jk

    Thanks for dropping by! :) For everyone's sakes, I hope it's true din.

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  26. no... that's not what i'm trying to say....

    but that was what vic and i were talking about before THEY came (ooooooops) hahahahahahhaha

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  27. Maiba lang.. : )
    I think the whole song (Irvine) is a prayer.

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  28. hahaha. you really won't yield anything to your unconscious will you? lol. you sure you're not secretly a taurus?

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  29. @YJ: Keri. Medyo nalilito ako. Explain mo nalang when we meet. lol

    @Ahmer: Yeah, it is! I can't believe you know it too. It's one of my favorite songs. Super emo soundtrack but I think at some point, we've all been there. I read somewhere that she wrote it after a concert in Irvine, CA. She had to cancel a meet and greet pa after because she was too depressed.

    @LOF: Taurus? Why what do they do? *googling* No, my unconscious stays buried no matter what. lol I believe there are other forces to worry about. hee hee

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  30. Well, I am pretty strong-headed. Sometimes to a fault. lol

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  31. the easier for the unconscious to do its work with a free hand. =)

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  32. yes, but it would require doing precisely what you don't want to do. hahaha

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  33. Fortunately, I am quite the expert in doing nothing. lol I think we may have stumbled upon something beautiful right hiyarr. lol

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  34. Isa lang masasabi ko: kung ayaw nila, di huwag. There, I'm sounding bitter again. Haha

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  35. Hey, Andy. B. You're back!

    It doesn't sound bitter. Not to me, at least. go lang ng gow. :)

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  36. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

    It's that risk we take when we listen to what they say. We either believe it enough until it comes true or until it kills us.

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  37. Mostly it's the latter. lol IRL, it's working out fine. Di pa naman siya umaalis. lol

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  38. well you need to trust him that he'll never leave cause that's his promise.

    siguro the reason why you wanted him to go, is because you fear of getting your heart broken and you're preventing that to happen soon? well aren't we all afraid of that to happen.

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  39. @James: :)

    @Ced: I guess. But then again, the reason people leave and people stay are not that different. We're all ruled by fear. Something I learned this past week, fear only holds us back.

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  40. someone told me that when you enter a realtionship you are open to possibilities. syempre first is that you enter that happy/good feeling but in the back of your mind it's something that you know that may not last. now the challenge is between the two persons concerned how to make it last.

    and what happened to you is quite recent. hope your okay now. tara magpakalasing...




    sa kape! :P

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  41. May nalalasing ba sa kape? lol

    I'm okay. Fortunately, the risk paid off. :)

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  42. Hey, Nyl! It's been a long time since I visited your blog. Nice layout! Masyadong romantic, I think! In love? Haha

    I love this post. I can totally relate with it. I am always hoping for an assurance that my love won't leave me. Haay Nyl, your recent posts made me sigh!

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  43. Hey, Nyl! It's been a long time since I visited your blog. Nice layout! Masyadong romantic, I think! In love? Haha

    I love this post. I can totally relate with it. I am always hoping for an assurance that my love won't leave me. Haay Nyl, your recent posts made me sigh!

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  44. Hey Mikee! Yeah, it's been a while. Thanks for dropping by!

    In love? Oo naman. haha

    As for the leaving bit, siguro nasa assurance lang yan. It's hard to get it these days. Hope it works out. :)

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  45. Hi, I'm Jose. I love this post and I am loving your blog. Thank you for the great posts! Great work!
    (i have also created a blog account, hope you have time to visit it as well). Thanks!

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  46. Thanks Pepe! I'll drop by your page soon! :)

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