Sunday, August 29, 2010

reprising the bitch

Lily Allen  
Littlest Things  
Alright, Still  

It would be nice if lovers were like movies. I’d have lovers in boxes, on bookshelves, a messy pile by the bed. There are some movies that you see only once, others you play over and over again without tiring. I could rank my lovers and keep the good ones close to the television.

I run my hands through a particular pile. There’s a movie I need to play, a scene I desperately need to see. It was a moment when I felt happy, when I thought love was the strongest thing in the world. I turn the television on, pop the disc in and allow the images to fill my mind.

It’s been years since I saw it but this movie still feels very fresh. I wonder how long my mind can preserve these thoughts. They say moments like this never cease to exist. They’re just there, suspended in time for all eternity. Why then do I feel like I’m seeing a picture slowly overexposing? It’ll be all white soon. I need to recapture it with my mind’s eye.

Will I always remember the darkness of his eyes, the firmness of his grip or the smell of the street as it rained?

We were walking home, one of many walks we took around that time. It was past midnight and though darkness lurked in every corner, I felt safe with your arm around me. I don’t really remember where we came from or what we were doing. All I know is right there, right at the intersection, I realized we were at the point of no return. We had somehow jumped off a cliff together and made it out alive. You were already a part of me, a part that would hurt if ripped out.

“So this is me,” I said, my standard goodbye. My umbrella made little splashes as water dripped into a small puddle by my feet.

“Thank you for tonight,” he said, the street lights reflecting on his dark brown eyes. If I ever drowned in those dark pools, it would be the sweetest way to die.

And then he kissed me. Under the moonlight, under the guidance of the nighttime sky, he wrapped his arms around me as our lips touched. I felt lightheaded. In the middle of it all, I felt him push a small piece of paper into my hand.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“It’s nothing,” he answered. “It’s just a note. Read it when you get inside.”

As I watched him walk away, his shoes making splashes on the water, my knees felt a little weak. Here was a man madly in love with me. I didn’t know what I did to deserve him but he calls my heart his home. When I was younger, I often wondered if I had let my chance to fall in love pass me by. But then all I needed to do was see him smiling at me and my heart would fill with hope. His smile expressed a silent wish. Maybe tomorrow won’t be so bad.

It was just a moment, a split second in the quilt of history, but it was our moment. I closed my apartment door, a huge smile on my face as my body sank to the floor. I touched my lips, the same ones he just kissed as my other hand struggled in my jean pocket for the note he gave me.

“This love, ever ours,” it said. How silly of me to believe.

Is it wrong to hold on to him like this? It’s just one of those days, one of those feelings I don’t indulge all the time. The end credits of our movie starts rolling, a song playing softly in the background. Would you take it against me if I asked you to dance? I close my eyes and imagine him in front of me. I wrap my arms around him, a feeble embrace as my hands fall limply on where I remember his neck to be. Our bodies move to the soft beat. If I tried hard enough, I swear I could even smell him. I inhale sharply, let his scent fill my very being. Outside, the clouds start to darken. Something tells me it’s going to rain soon.

Original Posts: Moment, Dati...

63 comments:

  1. i wonder if this would extend to say that you pirated lovers -- in violation of both domestic and international laws. very teleserye. "dense clouds, no rain from our western region." - 易經

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  2. What can I do, LOF? Masyadong mahal ang original. Haha I have to make do with the resources that I have!

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  3. Well, that was beautiful.

    Bittersweet, but beautiful.

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  4. Thanks Rudeboy! Hindi naman halatang I have nothing left to write about. I have to start borrowing from others. Peram ako ah. Haha

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  5. We all suffer from those moments when scenes from long lost archives replay with vivid clarity on our minds. But it's no good rehashing it. The most one can do is to try and create more memorable scenes to replace the old ones.

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  6. So true, ShatterShards. I've spent so much time and effort trying to recreate when I should've been focusing on the fewcha.

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  7. whoever that bitch is, ang buhok naman ng mukha niya.... hahahahahaha

    seriously, this is beautiful.... now where was i when this one happened? ang dayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

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  8. that street is familiar. been there a couple of times.

    what keeps me going back to the same spot is my selfishness to relive that one rare moment - not realizing what sets that scene apart from others had been forgotten: the duet of our mutual feelings.

    when his part died, it became a one way street. :)

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  9. august, not april, it seems, is the cruelest month, mixing memories and desire. love this, citybuoy. major, major touching.

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  10. august, not april, it seems, is the cruelest month, mixing memories and desire. love this, citybuoy. major, major touching.

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  11. august, not april, it seems, is the cruelest month, mixing memories and desire. love this, citybuoy. major, major touching.

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  12. @YJ: You were there, hun. Perhaps your subconscious is just blocking it out. lol

    Antayin ko yung sagot mo ha.

    @Alterjon: And what sucks is that in our minds, the memory is perfect. We rarely remember why it didn't work out the first time. The street, for all its wonderful memories, will always be just that- a lonely street in the middle of a busy town who wouldn't notice if another of its residents went missing.

    Hala, emo?

    @John: Thank you! Blame it on the rain. It major-majorly affected me. haha

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  13. oh i was referring to your street not mine... although i have to admit that i have forgotten mine a long time ago.... it's a good thing otherwise this post would have opened an emotional floodgate that had been securely locked with the help of that asshole who broke up with me over a dead puppy.... that i remember! hahahahahaha

    remember that intersection in Binondo? yaiy

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  14. Yeah, I had to change a few things. Di ko kasi masiyadong maimagine yung street eh. I imagined Carrie's front steps. Upgraded ka na, teh. lol

    And yes, it's a good thing you're over it. I wouldn't have posted it if I wasn't sure naman. lol But it's funny no? Those two posts were written for different people. Aliw lang.

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  15. Anglandi ko habang binabasa ko. Gumigigels pa ko. Haha. Sad nga lang.
    Ganda ng shirt ni kuya infairness. Funatang Makabayan. Chos.

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  16. How weird, Yohan. I was thinking of making a podcast kanina. Irerecord ko sana yung post na to. Kaso na-effortan ako. haha maybe it was meant to be read aloud? Or nag-nananette inventor lang ako.

    Team Manila ata siya. I don't remember the original color. Nakailang photoshop din kasi yung picture eh.

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  17. I can't relate myself to any topics about love and relationship.

    At saka magagalit nanay ko pag nalaman niya may boyfriend ako. HAHAHA

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  18. Ang strict naman pala ng parents mo, Ronnie. hee hee

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  19. This is really engaging.

    It's memories like this that somehow, no matter how foolish, make us want to get hurt again.

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  20. Why thank you, James! Yeah, We rarely remember the bad. haha If loving is foolish, it wouldn't be so bad. :?

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  21. I’d have lovers in a messy pile by the bed. Loving this.

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  22. Ooh, you're back! I guess you gotta meet YJ. When it comes to lovers, let's just say he keeps busy. (Tama ba, friend?)

    But truth is, it's just a reflection of how messy I am. You should see my room. It's one pile after another.

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  23. parang wala akong masabi. parang nangyari na ito sa akin. parang ako ang nagsasalita.

    bakit kaya ang alaala ng pag-ibig ay parang blu-ray edition na laging malinaw ang mga detalye at hindi kumupas-kupas makailang-ulit mang i-play?

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  24. Hey Aris! I can't say I've experienced it fully. Siguro bits and pieces lang. From how YJ told it, I remember it looked painful pero mabilis naman siya nag-bounce back.

    Ganun talaga ang love. Pero like most things, madaling mapeke. Sigurado ba tayong blu-ray talaga yan? baka naman dvd-9 lang na nagpapanggap. hehe

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  26. "Outside the clouds start to darken" -- loved the metaphor and sensed some foreboding. Is there a part 2?

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  27. hi dear. il try to be back. i just need some time off. thanks! appreciate the concern.

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  28. unconscious! unconscious! i'm a big advocate for removing the term "subconscious" from the discursive field entirely... it erroneously implies that there is some kind of conscious will over our unconscious.

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  29. i wish this could be wrtten into a song format. hehe. pero i really like this, like the part when he touched his lips then reached the note on his pocket. hehe. nice citybuoy!

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  30. @Peter: Not sure about a sequel. I was supposed to reprise a combination of three posts but the last one didn't really jive. I think that's why it seems a little disconnected towards the end.

    @Arkin: I was wondering where you went. Hurry back, k?

    @LOF: I'm sorry, Lance! I think you already educated me on the difference a few posts back. I guess I just find the comparisons to loss of consciousness a little too disturbing. But I'll be more careful next time.

    @Ced: Thanks! Parang ang haba lang niyan kung song pero salamat! :) Bilang music lover, napakalaking compliment nun.

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  31. Citybuoy,

    Those are good for movies only, NOT in real life, well, in my life.

    Cio

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  32. Good point, Cio. As they say, different strokes for different folks. ;/ how do you want to be stroked?

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  33. Citybouy,

    For you, soft and then hard.

    Cio

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  34. utang na loob!!!

    hahahahahaha

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  35. @Cio: Nakakaloka!!! haha (masahista voice) okay na ba yung preyshuuurrr?

    @YJ: Di mo ba kinaya? Nakagat mo ba dila mo? lol

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  36. another beautifully written piece. you're really good? super inspired?
    anyway, im just wondering pano to nakarelate kay yj? hehe

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  37. Thanks, Chyng! It's a reprise of two of his posts. A lot of the lines there were taken from his blog so I can't really take full credit for it. :)

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  38. i had this thought about your post but nyl, forgive me...

    i lost it when i realized who was in that pic. hahaha

    mwah! or maybe, i am just wrong...

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  39. @Paci: Thanks for dropping by!

    @Cio: Ano ba yan? Hahaha

    @Geek: Yeah, it's YJ. I had to crop it on account of his anonymity and all but it's him. :)

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  40. Favorite ko yang song na yan, pinakikinggan ko lagi every morning on my way to work nung sa porn pa ako nagwowork.

    I remembered yung porn hindi dahil sa song kundi dahil sa pic ni YJ ahahahahhahahahaha laswa!!!!!!!!!

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  41. I love the song too, Glentot! Alam mo ba na she originally intended to rap the verses. Pinush lang siya ni Mark Ronson na gawan ng melody which she did on the spot. Wala lang, useless trivia.

    At nagtrabaho ka sa porn? Ito ba yung nararaid parati sa Ortigas? lol

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  42. It's not really raid! It's glorious exit.

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  43. Nag-apply ako dun eh. haha Kaso di ako tinanggap. *sad face* muntik tuloy ako maglaslas ng pulso. lolz

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  44. sigh... I sometimes do this when I feel lonely and I miss him badly... awwwww... I miss him na naman tuloy! Hahahaha!

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  45. Hey Gaspard! Welcome to my blog. :)

    Go! Indulge yourself. Paminsan minsan lang naman. hehe

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  48. was it just me or my eyes is recognizing kuya yj's half faced presence?

    i liked this one. the rain keeps alot of scenes from wayback. i dunno if its his nature to take memories and pour them down in season.

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  49. Hey Stan! Welcome back. Haven't seen you here in a while.

    Yeah, it's Ate YJ. It's a reprise of two of his older posts. The links are at the bottom. I tried to keep as much of the original thought as possible because they were so beautiful.

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  50. am back! hehe. so nagawa mo na to as kanta? sino yung nasa pic? hehe

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  51. Haha seryoso ka pala dun. lol Sige, effortan ko yan one of these days.

    Si YJ yan aka the manila bitch.

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  52. beautifully written. no words to give justice this reprising. :)

    heeey, i miss the all!

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  53. pag si anu angnasa PIC---kahit lower part lang ng mukha ang kuha basta kasama ang mahiwagang smile and braces---alam na.lol

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  54. Favorite ba? Hehe kailan ang sunod nating labas?

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  55. That's a good idea. We can fast forward to the good parts, and skip the bad ones, hehe

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  56. But then life happens in the middle, right? Would it be the best idea to miss out on that?

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