Monday, August 2, 2010

quiet



To the one who called me Gori. Because this doesn’t hurt anymore.

When we were younger and much more in love, we'd often lose ourselves in pointless conversations. I love you, I’d whisper in your ear. I love you more, you’d say. No, I love you more, I’d say, stressing every word. We’d do this again and again, neither of us predicting that who loves who more was not the right question to ask. It’s who’s letting go first?

This isn’t the hardest decision to make. If anything, I think I’m doing both of us a favor. There is a strange need to leave this place as it was when I first got here. I close my eyes and in my mind’s eye, I picture the apartment from three years ago. There is furniture to be moved, walls to be painted and curtains to be changed. The sofa would prove to be challenging. I remember our combined strengths couldn’t life the damn thing. I shook off this thought. That sofa is moving if it kills me, I said to you even though you weren’t around. Everything has to be exactly the way it was. It should be like I was never here at all.

---

We were artists convinced that our little paintings could somehow change the world. I wanted to do nothing but paint your face, the crook of your elbow, the small of your back, the stray strands of hair that peaked from your boxer shorts. We bought tons and tons of canvasses, locked ourselves in separate worlds so we could be in our respective elements. We shared an immense desire to capture our love in watercolor (yours) and oil-based paint (mine). I chose the kitchen so I could be close to the fridge. You, the den so you could be close to the books.

The easel couldn’t hold you, or at least how I thought of you. It was too small, too frail to capture the strength in your eyes or the calm in your voice. One by one, I took the spices off the cupboard. I unhinged the racks and the hooks that held the pans until I had a free wall to myself. For days, I ate nothing but dumplings, pausing only to shit, smoke or both. In about a week, I had your face on the biggest wall of the house. I remember thinking I had never been as happy, so filled to the brim with contentment.

You often locked yourself in the den. You didn’t want me to see what you came up with. My mind was brewing with anticipation. But then hours turned into days, days into weeks and I saw nothing. One day, I realized the ochre I used to color your cheeks had turned a dirty shade of brown. My mural was fading and I still hadn’t seen a single painting of yours.

While you were sleeping, I crept up the narrow hallway to the den. I had to see it. I had to meet the child you birthed and reared in that room for several months. The lock resisted at first but with a little more effort, it finally gave way. It was pitch dark. Outside, the moon shone like a lover’s secret wish. I groped in the darkness for the switch. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment. I had to look away from the easel that stood lonely in the center of the room. It was empty. All your canvasses were empty. Your brushes sat dusty on top of a pile of books.

In the middle of the canvas, in clumsy red paint, I wrote you my first and only letter. They say expectations are premeditated resentments. I’m sorry I resented too much.

---

The sofa would prove to be challenging. On the radio, a woman sings me a song. It’ll be just as quiet when I leave as it was when I first got here, she promised. I push the gargantuan set, leaving large, ugly scratches on the wooden floor.

Photo Credit: the empty canvas

Rachael Yamagata
Quiet
Happenstance

73 comments:

  1. Hey Erick! Ambilis ha! Nakakahiya naman. Di pa ako tapos mag-edit. haha

    Salamat sa pag-daan!

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  2. nagpapahinga lang ako saglit sa pagchecheck ng papel ng mga estudyante ko at song analysis para sa world lit.hehehe

    kapag tapos na akong magencode baka magpost ako about it

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  3. "ah but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now."

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  4. empty is such a lonely word. :(

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  5. Harsh realities. Eh. :(

    I love the song by the way. Hihi. Chorchor. :D

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  6. @Anteros: Salamat at naka-daan ka parin!

    @LOF: Funny how time progresses and regresses at will.

    @Alterjon: It is but sometimes, there's comfort in it.

    @Yohan: It's nice right? I'm so in love with her right now.

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  7. I regret having read this first thing in the morning... sana sa gabi na lang, para mas prepared ako sa mga na-visualize kong kalungkutan.

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  8. *sigh!* iba ka talaga magsulat, nyl. love the images and metaphor! :)

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  9. @Glentot: Sorry naman. I wrote it nang gabi. Feeling ko tuloy ang sama kong tao. :c

    @Aris: Salamat, Aris! :) Alam mo naman tayo, mutual admiration society. hehe

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  10. ano ba iyan :(

    iyon lang ang nasabi, na-"quiet" din :P

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  11. Hey Darc! Salamat sa pag-daan! :D

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  12. http://peripheral-views.blogspot.com/2009/10/who-and-how.html

    :)

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  13. Buti nabasa ko siya ng tanghali, kundi malulungkot lang ako pag sa gabi ko 'to nabasa.

    I love the song and the singer's surname. Haha.

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  14. @Ewik: Oh, I remember those! May isa ka pa palang blog!

    @Ronnie: Sakto ba pang-emo? You have to listen to her other songs. Henyo ang lola mo.

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  15. Oh the scars! In the end they will always be there, won't they?

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  16. Hey Drew! It was nice to meet you last weekend. Yeah, the scars are pretty permanent. You can buff or shine you want but no amount of floor polish can erase that scratch. At most you can cover it up but all it takes is a little effort to see it again. lol

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  17. Memoirs pa rin? Sana hindi.

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  18. Been a while since I've last visited here! Pag kasi nasa twitter list na kita, feeling ko updated na ako sa life mo! :))

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  19. I sincerely enjoyed that. Love only makes sense when, as you said, "it doesn't hurt anymore."

    http://ficklecattle.blogspot.com/

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  20. Well, saka ko na pakikinggan ang mga kanta ni Yamagata pag nasa emo mode ako. =)

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  21. awwww. tragic.

    This was a good read though kahit kakaumpisa pa lang ng shift ko. hehehe

    But was it really the gargantuan set that left large, ugly scrathes, Nyl? :-)

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  22. @Peter: Di naman. Haha I think it's a little too early to start that.

    @Erin: Oo nga ano! Haha Ako naman feeling ko parati kang dumadaan gawa ng nasa Twitter list din kita. haha weird

    @Fickle Cattle: Ooh! A new face! Welcome to my blog!

    Thanks for dropping by. I wrote this shortly after we broke up and for the longest time, I couldn't post it. A few months later, I re-read it and after a few tweaks, I deemed it ready. lol

    @Ronnie: Yeah, dapat diyan may preparation. lol

    @Iurico: Salamat sa pag-daan! You're right. Hindi naman talaga yung sofa yung nag-marka. haha yung lamesa. hehe

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  23. You should submit this for publishing. I know what you're going to say Nyl, yada yada yada. Just do it. =)

    Kane

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  24. Gee thanks, Kane! That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all week!

    I'd like to it's just, haha well remember that conversation we had about consistency? Sapul ako dun eh. lol

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  25. Ang bilis mong sumagot ah. I was about to add that your story reminded me of those Japanese writers when I remembered you told me you do read them!

    It shows; the influence in your writing.

    Come on, you just choose a few of your pieces and find a mentor to edit it a little. Gawin mo na!

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  26. I was trying to make this really short which is what I noticed about how my writing gods write. Or at least how my writing gods' translators write. lol

    A mentor? That sounds like a good idea. It would be nice to hear a real honest critique of what I write. I just have none of the right connections. I wish I could do it but that's one of the reasons why I started blogging. No one else'll take me. :c

    *boo me*

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  27. Ang sofa... Hehe!

    Hey, Nyl! :) How are you? All good? Big hugs!

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  28. Ang sofa talaga!!!

    I'm good. Thanks Angelo. And you? :)

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  29. sa galing mong magsulat, crush na kita ;)

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  30. ay sus, cio! haha ikaw talaga. haha nasugatan ka lang, kung ano ano na sinasabi mo! haha

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  31. Asus, dun mo i-comment yan sa blog ko ahaha.

    saka lahat ng tao dito iisa lang sinasabi sa pagsusulat mo, mahusay ka.

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  32. it's when we assumed that a person is staying that we begin to be blind in the possibility that we are loving on our own. dapat kase chineck mo kung nandun ba talaga sya. haha :D

    there's this sadness that i would only find in your blog. emotions really are curious things.

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  33. as always, very well written :D, can i call you Nyl too? haha

    the sad part is, we poured so much in a relationship and we expect that person to equate how much we give to how much they would reciprocate.

    sabi nga nila in a relationship, there's always someone who gives and loves more.

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  34. @Cio: Oo nga eh. May topak computer ko eh. Daan ako ulit mamaya. :)

    At maraming salamat sa kind words mo. Nakakahiya naman.

    @Lee: money eyes? $)

    @Yas: There's beauty in loving blindly simply because it's super careless and borderline stupid at times.

    Does my blog make people sad? Oh no. I need to think about that.

    @Ced: But of course! That's my name naman eh. I don't think it would be bad or anything. :)

    "sabi nga nila in a relationship, there's always someone who gives and loves more. "

    I think that's where most of the problems lie. Is it worth all the trouble?

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  35. based from experience? it's worth a try if it's the right person :P haha. pero...

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  36. wow... nice nyl!
    yeah we tire ourselves in making big things for people we love and expecting them to be doing the same even in their absence, but sometimes things don't turn out the way we expect them to be or want them to be...
    anyway, i'm planning on making another blog. haha. i know i'm not THAT active in blogging, but take it as 'finding who i am' in the blogging world. haha. it has something to do with one passion of mine: food. i'll let you know : )

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  37. @Ced: Yun yun eh. Delikado yung mga ganyang ellipsis. haha

    @Carlo: Thanks for dropping by. Sige, let me know pag-gawa na. Promote natin. hehe

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  38. it's up already! ^_^
    http://withcheeseontop.blogspot.com
    yey! hehe (i'll still keep the previous ones, pero ito yung magiging main blog ko. change your links hehe)

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  39. so walang nagawa yung holding hands last saturday para sana ma-inspire ka mag sulat ng mga bagay na masasaya?

    or sobrang na-inspire ka sa holding hands, and now you're letting go of your sad past to finally embrace this new love possibility?

    Chusa hahahahahahaha

    there's someone i'd like you to meet, pagbalik mo nalang galing Borakak! muahz

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  40. @Carlo: Follow ko na!

    @YJ: Linggo pa alis ko. At shhhhhh... walang ganung naganap.

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  41. this moved me. honestly. :)

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  42. ""They say expectations are premeditated resentments. ""

    ---I think ito ang central thought e. diko nagets kung bakit somebody had to say goodbye because he/she foud out that nothing was painted on the canvasses ----mas malala ata kung ibang mukha ang nakita nya don. or mas malalim pa ang meaning at di na talaga maabot ng pang-unawa ko? please expound---for me.lol

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  43. @Allen: Thanks!

    @Pusang Kalye: I think it's how we often say that from the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. In this case, it should've been the brush. When the main character tried to paint the guy, she couldn't keep it in such a small canvass. She needed something big/ But for the guy, di siya maka-paint. Perhaps, she took it as her cue that he didn't love her as much. Or that his love for her needed to be more explicit.

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  44. I hope you don't mind, I posted a link to this post on my other blog blog. Hihi. Alamobeey binabasa ko to every now and then. Anlake kase ng impact saken na ewan. Haha. :D

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  45. Hey, Yohan! Of course not. It's such an honor.

    Perhaps this mirrored something that happened to you in the past? There was a time when I couldn't post this. I wrote majority of it earlier this year. It pained me to see it and so it stayed in my hard drive. One day, I re-read it and realized it didn't sting as much. After a few edits and an awesome soundtrack from Ms. Yamagata, I think it turned out rather well.

    Not that anyone asked or anything. haha

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  46. @nyl: thanks! ^_^
    well it's good to know that you're much better now...
    maybe i should try listening to some rachel y. songs :)

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  47. Not in this weather, Carlo! You'll be sucked into an emo vortex! haha

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  48. You're in love, aren't you? :D

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  49. and i was like fighting the same sadness...

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  50. @Andy B.: You're sharp, aren't you? haha

    @MJ: Long time no see ha. Thanks for dropping by. Hope it turns out well. :)

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  51. Quiet is so orgasmic. thanks for introducing Rachel to my ipod

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  52. You should DL her other stuff. It totally sucks that her records never reached local shores. She would be sooo worth it.

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  53. :( i can only imagine how hurtful that would be *hugs* but if you love, i gues it's better not to expect too much so that you'll appreciate the little things the person you love do for you

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  54. Wow, backread kung backread ah. I appreciate it, curioscat. :)

    Yeah, it's a lesson I'm constantly learning. Leos have been known to have active imaginations. We tend to create scenarios in our heads of how things should be. But it's like that scene in 500 Days of Summer, our expectations and reality seldom match and that's when things go kuhrayzeee!

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  55. You found one of my favorite posts, claudiopoi!

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  56. it's your favorite for a reason. this entry was just surreal. i love this nyl. in the darkness of your writing, love still shines through. beautiful. :)

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  57. Wow naman. That's so nice. Your flattery knows no bounds. haha j/k

    Thank you talaga. I am deeply humbled by your kind words. :)

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  58. baka isipin mo patronizing ako ah. hindi din. hehe :) wala lang. kasi parang naiiyak ako sa mga posts mo. mafifeel ko ang intensity ng emotions mo. napapaluha talaga ako.

    and it helps na mejo may hang over pa ako while i read your posts. haha :D

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  59. btw, im hooked to this yamagata song. been playing it endlessly for the past three days na. haha :) i super love its sadness. :)

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  60. Baka you went through something similar na. Malay mo lang. haha

    And I so love her. Download mo yung other stuff niya. Di kasi available sa Pinas yung mga CD niya. Grabe siya. Another favorite is Elephants. Super nice.

    At I remember, nakaloop din to ng matagal tagal sakin. haha I think nag Number 1 na siya sa most played songs playlist ko sa iPod.

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  61. oo naman, inaamin ko naman yun. haha :) i went through hell. and got broken. and i just know na i was not stitched whole again. kaya sinusumpa ko muna yang mga love love na yan. siguro mga 4 years na din. :D

    anyway, hindi appropriate na magdrama dito, kaya segue nalang. haha :D

    hmm. sige, hahanapin ko yung songs nya. naalala ko kasi na tinutugtog ko siya habang umuulan at alas dos na ng madaling araw. parang nasiyahan lang ako kasi it was just pure bliss to read that beautiful post and listen to that sad song.

    tama na tong comment ko. ang haba na naman eh. :)

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  62. Malalampasan mo din yan. May 2 years din akong nagpapaka-emo. May spillover pa ng slight after that. Hanggang sa narealize ko na ako na yung nagsstop ng happiness ko. Your greatest enemy most of the time is yourself din. Just something you might want to think about.

    Wow naman. In fairness, konting tao lang nage-effort talagang i-play yung song but basically, that's the idea. The song should compliment the post.

    2 CD palang naman nalalabas niya. Pwede pa humabol. lol Perfect emo soundtrack anytime, anywhere.

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  63. That was absolutely beautiful. I am inspired by your ability to write...I truly enjoyed that. I think you had it just right. It all makes complete sense now...most people can probably relate.

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  64. Hey Corey! Welcome to my blog. Thanks for your kind words. :p

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  65. I finally found this! This was the reason for my dawn visit today, Nyl. I am going through something similar. Sigh. I know it doesn't concern you, and I do apologize for sharing, but I think you, among quite a few people, would really understand the chaos, turmoil, and the lack of direction I'm going through right now. Haaaaaaay nako. I just downloaded the entire Happenstance album. Rachel's my new therapy for the time-being.

    Ayun. Thanks for this story, Nyl. :)

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  66. @Spiral: no need to apologize. I'm here to listen just as you guys listened to me when I published this last year. it still stings a little when I read it i remember i published this post as a way to let go in prep for a new love. perhaps you should try it too. :)

    and u should def try the second record too! rachael is a genius and she only proves more of that in elephants.. :)

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