Monday, August 23, 2010

infidelity

Amy Winehouse  
I Heard Love Is Blind  
Frank  

How do I say this without hurting you? I cheated on you last night with the ghost of lovers past. I was looking through some old letters and I started recreating these scenes in my mind. Letters, pictures, movie tickets and condom wrappers- I was hoarding memories, certain that love is always too fleeting to remember, too moody to contain.

I laid out all the letters on my bedroom floor and for a while, I was just sitting there, wondering where their writers were. Do they still think of me? I closed my eyes and touched myself. I tried to remember how each kiss felt, how each moan sounded. Do my lovers touch themselves when they remember me?

He came out of nowhere. When I opened my eyes, he was in front of me, inviting me, seducing me. He took my hand and led me to the bed. He whispered words in my ear, words I often wish you could say. I believed him for once upon a time, those words were true. He was true and so I let him do what he wanted.

He touched me in all the familiar places. His mouth traveled from my lips to my ears, my neck and the small of my back. He hit me like he used to when I was younger. The shear weight of his arm sent me flying. More, I begged him and he hit me again. Each strike set my skin on fire. Each bruise felt like I was coming closer to my true home.

I entered him with force and abandon. It felt just like it used to. As I pushed myself in and out, I realized the rhythm was familiar. It was a song my heart once sang to. I still knew all the words.

He was getting closer and closer to climaxing. I could tell in the way his legs were tensing up. I tried to focus on coming, too but I couldn’t. I started losing interest. I started realizing my mistakes. His face to the heavens, he couldn’t tell that I was no longer into it. I started getting soft. My heart and my body were too in sync to continue.

And then a curious thing happened. I thought of you. I thought of what we have. I thought of all the things I wanted to do to you and I got hard again. I thought of the life we could have together if we only got over our fears. I thought about your face, the lines pulsating each time I thrust into the ghost’s being. I imagined your face on his, recreating your eyes, your nose and your lips from shear memory.

I thought of you and I came. I exploded inside the ghost; my seed flying into the air, sullying the letters and pictures on the floor. I picked them up and tossed them into the trash. It was high time I threw them out anyway. Though they kept me warm through the many cold nights before I called your heart my home, the second hand ticking on the clock tells me there’s no use holding on to them anymore. I’m letting them go, love. I’m sorry it took this long. I’m letting them go to let you in.

Till next time, said the ghost as he put on his shirt.

There won’t be a next time, I promised.

There will always be a next time, he said, a smile on his face as he disappeared into the darkness.

Photo Credit: embrace

43 comments:

  1. making love to the unconscious is always hot, but best in moderation... otherwise, there's no room for the real thing.

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  2. some people get off that way, right? necrophilia or something? or did u mean a different unconscious? you know i'm bad with these things. :S

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  3. "my seed flying into the air..."

    kiniliti nito ang imahinasyon ko.

    oh nyl, you're so naughty. :)

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  4. you know i only write posts like this every now and then. haha i guess i'm trying to be as subtle about it as possible. i'm not sure if it came across that way. :p

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  5. And right before I read this, I saw the comment you left for me - "I guess I'm just virginal that way." So kung sa lagay na to, virginal ka pa, I wonder what a carnal you is like.

    Peace nyl! :)

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  6. hahaha adik ka, drew! i am virginal. it was just a necessary tool in the story. hahaha napatawa mo ako ng sobra.

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  7. if Victor were to hook up with Greg, that would be anything but necrophilia... Jung said: "Everything of which I know, but of which I am not at the moment thinking, everything of which I was once conscious but have now forgotten; everything perceived by my senses, but not noted by my conscious mind; everything which, involuntarily and without paying attention to it, I feel, think, remember, want and do; all the future things that are taking shape in me and will sometime come to consciousness: all this is the content of the unconscious."

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  8. And here I was thinking it meant loss of consciousness. My bad, LOF. haha

    And I met up with Greg last weekend. He was only there momentarily. Victor took over. It was kinda creepy. lol

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  9. See. If they could be boyfriends, that would be totally hot. But Victor is too controlling and Greg is way too out of control. Maybe if one of them would follow your formula here, they might just get the explosive relief needed. A marriage of the opposites.

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  10. Wow, I've never seen self-love so passionately advocated.

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  11. passionately advocated in moderation, too much love making to the unconscious is just like every other addiction: an escape.

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  12. Could be necrophilia if there were a real corpse. Kung ghost, do they call it the same. Sigurado namang buhay pa ang past lovers.

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  13. may pinaghugutan, Nyl? no pun intended. :D

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  14. We choose the ghosts we keep; or at least that's what I've learned.

    Ang ganda Nyl. There are times we remember old lovers, and how they were true, once.

    Kane

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  15. i love how the ghosts of the past and the present intertwined with you nyl.

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  16. @LOF: But I don't think either of them would want to give way to the other. Victor claims he doesn't need Greg anymore but I have a feeling I'm still gonna see him one of these days.

    It is an escape, one that could swallow you whole if you let it.

    @Drew: That's cuz learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all! So don't walk with Edu Manzano.

    @Peter: Siguro iba na kung ghost. I think the necro means cadaver or something? Di ko alam. haha Nag-na Nanette Inventor lang ako.

    And yes, kahit na may times na I wished otherwise, they're still very much alive. haha

    @Constant Bonsaist: Heya! Haven't seen you here in a while. May konting pinaghugutan pero konti lang. tee hee!

    @Kane: And in our memories, they are always perfect. Bad trip no? That's why we get sucked into an emo vortex without even noticing.

    @The Geek: Can we ever separate them? Can we separate them from our own beings? Everything contrives to bring us to where we need to be. Ang di marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan, may beke. I, thank you. ;p

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  17. We usually feel a little colder on an introduction of a new potential partner.

    Worn-out from the past mistakes? Setting expectations a notch lower?

    I don't know. Exhaustion is mortality and love is a great deal of fix. I guess.

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  18. I suppose it's just one of the many things that make it interesting. :)

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  19. oh my..a next time. heehee.

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  20. everybody's guilty of this.. hihi
    you write so subtle, i like it.

    pakiss nga! Ü

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  21. May masturbation na naganap! Ahehehehe

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  22. interesting...

    http://rocklubrico.blogspot.com

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  23. @Paci: We should be careful who we say goodbye to. We never know which ghosts we need to conjure every now and then.

    @Chyng: Mwah! Salamat sa pag-daan! )

    @Glentot: At dun talaga nag-fixate!

    @rockylubrico: Welcome to my blog! Thanks for dropping by. :)

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  24. you know, my original point which was lost even on me, is that it only becomes infidelity if you allow the unconscious to consume you -- just as a drug addiction is a form of infidelity...

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  25. Yeah, there will always be a next time. Ghosts are oftentimes very persistent. They cum, err come, when we least expect them to. Haha

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  26. It's not subtle but it's beautiful and erotic nonetheless. We all have these ghosts.

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  27. hmmmm... steamy. un lang! =D

    i'm trying to think of a wholesome meaning of this. but i can't lol

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  28. @LOF: In the same way that you can only say you've had drugs if you have struggled to quit? Haha or am I just a bit of a masochist?

    @Andy B.: Baschooos! What do you do when they show up unprepared?

    @James: Thanks! I'm not really an erotic writer so thanks for that compliment. :)

    @Lee: Bakit? haha baka it's on your mind talaga. hee hee

    @Ewik: Thanks for reading!

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  29. pati ba naman wrapper ng condom?! haha

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  30. pati ba naman wrapper ng condom?! haha

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  31. wow i love it ^_^ nice...
    miss you na! kung sino man mga yan e clueless na ako. tagal na kita hindi nakakausap...

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  32. @Carlo: Oo nga eh! Sige, kwento ko sayo next time.

    @LOF: ;p

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  33. we all have our own ghost...keeps on haunting us,whenever they get the chance and if only we allow them to...

    at sana nga di mo na siya bigyan ng chance ulit,for the meantime.

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  34. Hindi na talaga. Salamat sa pag-daan, Mac!

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  35. Thanks, that girl! Welcome to my blog. :)

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  36. Hey corporate hillbilly! Welcome to my blog! Thanks for dropping by! :)

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  37. Infidels should be nailed to the cross. Wait, I think I'm one of them. Just kidding, haha

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  38. He without sin, cast the first stone. :)

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