Monday, May 31, 2010

breakaway



Something in the morning just didn’t feel right. I should’ve known when I realized I wasn’t in my bed but then again, it’s not like that hasn’t happened before. I guess my body felt different, my arms felt alien to me, my legs a complete stranger. Drunk with sleep, I looked around the room.

This seems familiar, I said out loud to no one in particular. I wasn’t sure of a lot of things but if I had to put all my money on one thought, I’d say this was gonna be a pretty strange day.

Over breakfast, my mother was busting my balls again about how important getting an education is and how embarrassed she gets when she thinks about her smart son wasting away as a glorified answering machine. It wasn’t anything new. She does this every day. Today was simply Track 3 on Disc 2: the remix about how when she was a child, she fought so hard to get a college education. On any other day, I’d just let all this roll away but like I said, there was something different in the air, in the way the sound waves traveled from her mouth to the air to my ears.

I snapped. It’s my life. Fuck off if you think I’m living it wrong, I finally said, breaking two decades worth of silence. Suddenly, everything was in slow motion. The eggs, the soy sauce and the poor, innocent sinangag were sent flying in my direction at a speed where seconds seemed to take ages. If I were to be honest, I was a little amused at such a show of emotion. My mother is known for a lot of things but brutal honesty was not one of them. Once everything settled- the eggs, the rice and her breath, she politely and forcefully told me to “pack my shit and go.”

She didn’t need to tell me twice. For months, I had been in complete agony just thinking about leaving, about living the way I want to and stop worrying about things that would hold me down. I mean, it may not be obvious but I’ve got a lot of ambitions. Sometimes, I feel like I’m just wasting my life. Like these are somehow my so-called prime years and all I’ve done is bitch and whine about how I couldn’t get my way. Why couldn’t I get my own way anyway? What was I so afraid of?

Grow a pair, someone once said. He had just asked me to move in with him after which I gave him a lengthy explanation of how I couldn’t leave my mother and all that. Truth is, I was just scared. Scared that leaving would be hard, scared that he didn’t really love me and that he’d leave me once he realizes it too. For whatever it’s worth, I really did love him. 

Did? Sometimes, I feel like I never really stopped. Was it too late? I wondered as I packed the last of my underwear. I made a mental note to call him up the second I leave.

Apparently, it wasn’t too late. Thirty minutes later, I was in a part of Makati I didn’t know existed until moments before. To call his apartment-slash-room small would be an understatement. Still, it was better than being homeless. Hours and hours and calories (burned, mostly*) later, he rolled over to his side of the bed, lit a cigarette and broke my heart.

I’m glad you’re here, he said. I guess I always knew that our story hasn’t ended. At least not yet. I didn’t really know what to say. There was something so endearing about how he said it. Perhaps it was how he tried to mask it with braveness or how he thought I couldn’t tell he was crying. I suppose it was in the way the sweat on his shoulder quivered when he spoke or how his toes were curled in such tension. He wasn’t alright. Sana dito ka nalang forever, he said as he stubbed out his cigarette.

Oo nga, I replied and for both our sakes, I wished I could mean it.

Liner Notes: When you spend too much time with your friends, you start to wonder what it would be like to take control of their lives. Fresh off the screening of Here Comes The Bride*, YJ (who took the picture above), Victor and I decided to swap lives.

Kelly Clarkson
Breakaway (Acoustic)
Breakaway

39 comments:

  1. I love your honesty on this...

    BWAHAHAHA generic comments I learned from Victor...

    So now what I want to say to Victor is, Sayang naman yung sinangag...

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  2. haha wag kalimutan ang "i love the structure in this post" hahaha

    as usual, una ka nanaman sa comments. at kailangan ko sumagot agad. nakakabother yung "1 brain farts" haha

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  3. breaking free from the grip of the vagina dentata is in fact a true accomplishment... you don't realize the darkness that possesses another until you stand up for yourself in the face of the other's seeming innocence, and then, eggs, toyo and rice come a-flyin'...

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  4. nagets ko na hindi ko nagets..pero kung tama hinala ko, nasa footer ang sagot para magets ko

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  5. i love your honesty on this and the structure of your post. hahaha!

    seriously, another great reading experience from you. nakakaantig ng emosyon. love it. love the pic too.

    at heto, may closing song din ang comment ko: "if a picture paints a thousand words / then why can't i paint you / the words will never show the you i've come to know".

    :)

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  6. @LOF: or we just go through one owner to another. haha i dunno. i really like my mom.

    @Dave: that was me trying to be victor. nagpalit-palit kami. :D

    @Aris: haha generic comments galore! salamat sa pag-basa. gusto ko rin yung picture. sayang nga, kinrop ko. baka kasi mag-mind si kuya kung buong mukha pero it's a really nice picture.

    @Engel: nasobrahan lang yata kami ng movies. hehe

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  7. that is why i never attack anyone's mother --- no matter how clear it may be to me, we are all so closely identified with our mothers that a criticism of one's mother is always taken as an attack on the self ... (after all, where did the thread that makes up the cloth of our existence come, but not for our mothers, di ba?)

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  8. true, true.. i guess people take offense easily for things that come out of their own mouths. someone can complain about how fat or bloated they are but if u call them on it, it's world war 3. for all our bickerings with the woman who bore us, at the end of the day it's still the latter that is important.

    certified momma's boy. lol

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  9. I'm back : )
    Naku grasya ang pagkain'
    anyways, i love the concept of the photo : D
    'here comes the bride' natanggal stress ko dito.
    ...
    "Now make a wish, take a chance, make a change."

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  10. It's funny how you talk dirty with your mom. ;)

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  11. @Ahmer: We missed you last night. I'm glad you're okay na.

    @Drew: Why can't I find your comment? haha talking dirty na ba yun? Parang mas malala ako mag talk dirty kesa dun. haha

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  12. Ang galing galing ng structure and I love the way you write..<---Pamatay lines. LOL

    Also, turuan mo nga ko ng mp3 na ginagamit mo at the end of your entries. Gagayahin ko lang. PWede naman gumaya diba? LOL

    Sana maging ok na kayo ni mudrax ganyan lang talaga pag nabibigla sila, hindi sya kasi prepared sa ganong response ng unico iho nya

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  13. putang inaaaa... na pressure ako..... sheeeeeeeeeet.... i should have posted mine first!!!!

    now i have to do it all over again... kailangan ma-upstage ko kayo ni Victor dito... ako si Angelica at Tuesday and Sweet lang kayo....

    maliban alang kung gusto niyong maging Eugen.... which means.... nyahahahahahaa

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  14. "A boy’'s best friend is his mother." -Anthony Perkins in Psycho

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  15. I do not regret if you sent fried rice flying across the dining room. I regret that I could not do it myself. LOL.

    I just finished with my "part," too. I was planning to put it off a few days more but when I found out you posted yours already, my competitive streak got the better of me. Hehe.

    Jeff, keep up, will you? :p

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  16. "The eggs, the soy sauce and the poor, innocent sinangag were sent flying in my direction at a speed where seconds seemed to take ages."

    I'd prefer Vilma Santos to play the role of the mum. That flying sinangag scene is set to become a hundred-year epic.

    A success post!

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  17. @Jepoy: Sige, next time na magkita tayo. HTML table lang yan. Di dapat kinatatakot.

    Lahat naman ata ng mag-iina nagaaway. Sana lang di umabot ng ganun.

    @YJ: Kaya nga inuna ko yung akin eh. Haha mahirap na ma-compare sa inyo no. Mawalan ako lalo ng readers. lol

    Feeling ko ako talaga si Angelica. Pero sige na nga, kasi friends tayo.

    @LOF: You just know something's up if you have to quote a Hitchcock flick. lol

    @Victor: I dunno. I thought about that but based on how I know you, I don't think you would do such a thing. But then again, last night's conversations were proof that I don't really know the extent of your abilities. hehehe

    @Alterjon: Oh cool! I never really thought about it but Ate V does seem like a good actress to play the mom. Or maybe Voltes V or Gary V or Michael V. j/k

    If you forced me to think about it, I'd probably say Tetchie Agbayani just because Victor kinda looks like her. lol

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  18. magaling bang magluto mom mo? magpapa adopt na lang ako sa kanya tutal may vacancy naman. :)

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  19. haha may ganon? di ko naman nanay yun. hehe pero sige, i'll let you know pag may vacancy samin. lol

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  20. Wish you well -- in everything.

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  21. Thanks for sharing wehehehe!

    jules
    http://julesmariano.com

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  22. hehehe. seriously, parang naka relate daw ako dun :)

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  23. follow what your heart desires.....you might regret it in the future...but who knows....you might not. call the shots, better that you do it the way you think is right and not let other people decide for that...and if you make mistakes, modify, learn. the important thing is that you pursue your happiness...I believe in the significance of the individual above anything else....then again, be careful. it is my wish that you find what is best for you.

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  24. ako din. parang gusto ko na mag-isa. pwede ko gayahin yung ginawa mo? trippings lang. tapos kapag epektib, magko-call zener na din ako tapos lalandi ng bonggang-bongga! whahaha! :) shet! excited na ko! sana gumana! :))

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  25. @Rudeboy: I stole it from YJ's computer. haha I think that was the time we went swimming.

    @Peter: Thanks!

    @Solo: Bakit naman? Did something similar happen? Welcome pala to my blog. It was nice meeting all of you last weekend.

    @Pusang Kalye: Thanks. I guess mas maganda if you do what you want. para if you fail, you have no one but yourself to blame. haha

    @LOF: :D

    @Caloy: Talagang nakaplano na ang paglalandi? haha Tapusin mo muna degree mo!

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  26. di na ako mag papayo sayo pero nagalingan ako sa style mo.

    -H.Chronicles

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  27. kala ko yung friend ko na taga-gma yung kasama mo sa pic. :p

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  28. @Yohan and @Cio: Salamat sa pagdaan at pagbasa!

    @Iya: Taga ePer yan! ni-recruit ko a few months back. hehe

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  29. Another nice read from Nyl.

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  30. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  31. I love the flying eggs and sinangag part, hehe. Are you sure this is fiction? :D

    Happy weekend bro.

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  32. Yes, it is. It's me trying to be Victor. hehe Speaking of.. we were just talking about you. When're you coming out to meet the coffee babies?

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  33. I feel shy meeting you guys. You're all great writers. I feel like a tyro whenever I read your blog and Victor's.

    Hey, I forgot. You still owe me lunch, right? :D

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  34. Aww c'mon. Don't be silly. haha yeah, you're right. I still owe you for being my 100th. So, when're you coming out? Let's goooooo!!!

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