the weaner takes it all

“Saan ba kasi napupunta pera mo?” asked my mother. I was trying to loan some money from her to get me through the week.

“Sa food. Transpo. The usual stuff. Bakit? Saan ba dapat?” I must admit I was a little offended when she asked me that question but then I realized she had a point. I’ve been borrowing money from her for months. You would think that I wasn’t earning enough.

I went to my room feeling dejected. To take my mind off things, I decided to clean up a little. I folded my clothes and changed the beddings. After that, I opened the drawer beside my bed. That’s where I usually dump my things when I get home. Inside, I saw misplaced CDs, empty lighters and tons of Starbucks receipts. I guess that answers my mom’s question.

I sat down with all of them and realized I spend waaaay to much money on coffee. Just like in those old Safeguard commercials*, a paler version of me suddenly appeared.

“Kailangan mo na tigilan ‘yang adiksyon mo sa kape!” he said. I figured my conscience would not tell me to do anything that would harm me so I decided I would have one final cup of coffee and call it quits.

“An iced…”

“Grande Caramel Americano,” the barista continued. “You order the same thing everyday.” She smiled at me like we knew each other from kindergarten or something.

I was tearing up a bit. This was it- my last trip to Starbucks. As she handed me my order, I bade her farewell. I’m not sure if she knew I meant it.

I sat down with my coffee, cleared my throat and began my farewell speech. “You’ve made me very happy. I want you to know that. It’s just…”

“Hold on just one second,” it interrupted. “I don’t understand why you’re doing this. Didn’t I make you happy? Didn’t I keep you awake for months? I don’t get why you have to do this.”

“I just can’t do this anymore. I have to think about my future and stuff. I’ll always love you. Please know that. Just not in the weird ‘I-wanna-raise-little-human-espresso-hybrids’ sense.”

“You need me. You know that.”

“I know.” I said. I thought about it a little. The adjustment’s probably going to be a real bitch. “Maybe we should do it gradually. I’ll start drinking less and less of you until I’ve completely weaned myself.”

“If that’s the case, let’s just end this now. It’ll be easy for me, you’ll see. I’ll have someone in your usual table in under a minute.”

“Don’t do that,” I begged. “Don’t you think I know it’ll be easy for you? I’ve seen how the others look at you. It’s just…” I struggled to continue but by then it stopped listening to me. I finished the rest of my coffee wondering if I understood my actions and its coming repercussions.

For days, I got by pretty well. To avoid the need for coffee, I started sleeping early and eating right. “Kaya ko naman pala eh!” I remarked. I was proud of myself. There I was, stronger and better in every way. I suppose there’s always a moment of victory when you successfully complete a goal.

I only stumbled once. Well, not exactly. I had a really big night and I ended up getting less than three hours of sleep. I felt like a zombie on my way to work. After deliberating for close to forty-one days, I fished my wallet out of my back pocket and went to Starbucks.

“An iced Venti Caramel Americano please,” I said to the barista. She looked at me but she no longer recognized me. I guess baristas are only friendly to über loyal customers.

“I’m sorry, sir but that’s no longer available. We only have warm milk, fruit juice and cold water.” I looked around. Everyone around me had their own cups of coffee. Why couldn’t I buy mine? I looked at her in disbelief but when the awaited punch line never arrived, I left the store feeling sad and a little confused.

I went up to the infamous siren and looked her in the eye. “Akala ko matitiis kita. ‘Di pala,” I began. I was starting to tear up.

“Akala ko ‘di mo ‘ko matitiis. Kaya mo pala.” I walked to the office with my head bent to the ground. Suddenly, the January morning felt so cold.

Michelle Featherstone
Coffee and Cigarettes
One Tree Hill: Friends With Benefit


  1. i was sad while i was writing it, too.

  2. i'll be fine. haaay, ambilis ng pagbabalik emo.

  3. we'll always be fine.

    but a lower layer tells us we are not.

  4. layers, eh? i'll work hard to make sure all my layers are smiling na. :D

  5. yeah. layers. like core mantle and crust. like troposphere, stratosphere, mesosphere, thermosphere and exosphere.

  6. or or or... dermis epidermis epididermis?

  7. natigil lang ang adiksyon ko sa kape ng sabihin ng duktor ko na hindi makabubuti sa tulad kong hypertensive ang palaging nagkakape..kasi nagiging abnormal ang sleeping habit ko na siyang nagdudulot ng mas matinding problema


    namiss ko bigla ang istarbaks


  8. i sympathize with you. i know how you feel.

  9. again... the fake smile is gone, now tears are rolling down...

    we really need to talk... soon!!!!

  10. saying goodbye to the latte is the gaya ng lahat ng moving on, you can cheat. :)

  11. @anteros ~ nakakamiss talaga ang kape.

    @engel ~ thanks.

    @yj ~ ganun naman talaga. lahat ng bagay may expiration date.

    @gramps ~ welcome to my blog! your concept on cheating the moving on process is interesting. elaborate?

  12. ang hirap i-give up ung bagay na nakasanayan na.. adiksyon. well at least you're giving it up for something better.. KAYA MO YAN!

  13. thanks. wala pa namang kapalit. i guess that means i'm in limbo.

  14. ang hirap i-give up ung bagay na nakasanayan na.. adiksyon. well at least you're giving it up for something better.. KAYA MO YAN!

  15. old habits die hard. but you're getting there. you just have to try harder. :)

  16. good thing i never had the same love affair with coffee like you did.

    still, mahirap mag-let go sa mga minahal mo, kahit kape man ito =D

  17. @maxwell ~ try and try until i die. haha

    @dencios ~ figuratively and in actuality.

    @lee ~ pero dahil sa ngalan naman ng love, ayus lang din.

  18. I emphatize. My nicoffeine addiction is unrivaled at the office. Often I would skip meals in lieu of prolonged nicoffeine breaks.

    My venom of choice varies, depending on my mood. But it usually ranges from the relaxed tall iced mango non-fat cream blended drink extra shot, to the sublime short vanilla misto, to the convulsive venti cafe americano 2 extra shots.

    Caffeine, like nicotine, is my elixir. It ravages my tired psyche, and reinvigorates my uninspired muse. It heightens and enlivens and consumes my weary soul. It is her bittersweet kiss that keep me warm at night. My solitary companion amidst the urban anarchy of Makati.

    She creeps her embrace warm around my palms, cradling and soothing. Foreign yet beloved. She dissipates insecurities, and banishes a sordid reality. A silent companion to the travails of my tumultuous trail.

    She is my muse.

  19. ang haba ng hair ng coffee. i think you were able to say what i couldn't find the words for.

    two extra shots in a venti americano? grabe.. i thought i was hardcore. haha

    whatever will we do without our nicoffeine?

  20. Haha! You should've read what I wrote on Victor Gregor's entry on smoking. That's why I coined the term. Because nicotine and caffeine are perfect together. And best sweetened with good conversations. :)

  21. Hay, addiction. Mine's with cigarettes, but I can relate. So much. I'm still smoking, by the way, stronger than ever.

    Talagang ganyan. Mahirap. But I really believe that 41 days is not bad. Is not bad at all. My longest was probably two weeks.

    So GOOOD JOB!!! :)

  22. @red the mod ~ don't i know it! haha it's the trifecta. even better than.. oh never mind.

    @manech ~ i can't quiet either. as for 41 days, i guess it's time i said this post isn't really about coffee. i can't really quit my addictions either. :c

  23. go go go neil! eat healthier! ^^ why not buy your own machine and make your own coffee? it'll be cheaper that way. i think. than regularly going to starbucks.

  24. i know why. :) :)
    @kuya nyl:
    dolphin? bakit may dolphin? haha. watda. lol

    pero pramis, sinara ko kagad, natakot ako sa lindol eh.

  25. @mike ~ yes, it'll be cheaper. but money is no longer the issue haha it's the dependancy. madali kitain ang pera kung tutuusin. it's hard to get over a bad habit.

    @yas ~ haha sabi nga ni ate victoria court.. shhhhhhh....

  26. eh aako naman, i drink coffee but di masyado. But yung pagiging insomia ang naging problema ko. nakakatakot ito..

  27. it thought i was reading a metaphor. for something more closer to the heart. :)

  28. Bilib na ko sa mga metaphors mo.

    whatever it is, may it be caffeine, a good friend, or love, it's always hard to let go. Dependence is a bitch. But I trust you more this time. I know you're stronger, more mature.

    I'm always here. *hugs*

    Love you nelly!

  29. @tim ~ warm milk always does the trick for me. or sleepasil pag ayaw talaga tumalab. hehe

    @ash ~ err, it is. ngapala, i sent you an email.

    @apol ~ thanks friend. you always know what to say.

  30. ever heard about the 8 in 1 coffee? good for the health easy on the pocket...a far better way of getting hooked. bebentahan kita just let me know hehe

  31. haha my mom drinks that. haha ewan ko ba. di naman ako nagigising sa kanya.

    bumalik na ako sa kape. hindi yung metoprikal kundi yung nabibili sa istarbak. may mga bagay na di na dapat binabalikan. may mga bagay din na hindi kailangan tiisin.

  32. "as for 41 days, i guess it's time i said this post isn't really about coffee."

    pucha. nalungkot akong bigla. at kung tama ang hinuha ko, lintek. may naalala na naman tuloy ako. pero ayokong mag-emo.

  33. naninibago ako na nagta-tagalog ka. haha sorry. sinabi ko rin yun sa blog ni mr. scheez.

    wtf. what does hinuha mean?

    i hope you cheer up. i-kwento mo nalang kung bakit ka nasa-sad. sometimes, release is all we need. and i'm not just talking about sex. haha

  34. hey there! i'm one of your new followers. heehee.

    coffee. i became addicted when i had calculus, physics and chemistry subjects during that one particular semester. when i can no longer hold the dropper and test tube without my hands shaking, that's when i decided to stop.

    have you tried tea? teahee.

  35. i have always found the fear of "not getting over it" and "rebounding" to be so curious....

  36. @paci ~ thanks for following! :D i'm actually a coffee convert. my first love was tea - coffee bean tea lattes to be exact. ngayon lang na nasa baba ng office yung starbucks ako nahook.

    @LOF ~ normally, i'd tell you what victor always says: there's only one way to find out. haha but i would never wish that fear on anyone. not even on my worst enemy.

  37. Well, you can always settle on Nescafe from 7/11. But then again, their coffee tastes like crap. Sige na nga, Starbucks na lang. Hehe.

  38. natanung na sa akin ng mama ko yan...
    paminsan minsan pwedeng mag 'patago...'

  39. kurak. haha don't worry. di mo ako mabi-BI. para kang gumamit ng black crayola sa blackboard. haha

  40. this feels like breaking up.

  41. yup. that's what it was about.

  42. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


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