Monday, January 18, 2010

of flying and falling



There was a woman. There was a lake. She was floating. No, she was swimming. Day in, day out, she did nothing but swim. Her hands had become shriveled like flesh-colored raisins.

She was happy in the water. She felt at home in the water. As she swam, she stared at the mountain. She marveled at its majesty. She listened as the trees spoke to her in monotone. Will you swim away the rest of your life? Will you swim away the rest of your life? Will you swim away the rest of your life?

There were birds at the tops of the trees. She wondered what it felt like to be so free. She gathered her strength and her belongings. I shall climb the mountain. I shall jump into the lake.

She awkwardly took her first steps. Her feet had become muddied but she didn’t really care. She reached a clearing a few meters off the ground. This is a good spot. Jump now, the lake ordered. She stared at the water from where she stood. This is too safe. I want to go higher. And so she did.

She continued to walk up the mountain until she reached the halfway mark. There was another clearing. Don’t go any higher, said the lake. I won’t be able to catch you if you go any higher. Looking at the water, she could still see with vivid clarity the rocks and the trees below. I want to go higher! she exclaimed and so she did.

She climbed and climbed and when she felt she couldn’t take another step, she pushed herself a little more. Night had fallen by the time she got to the top of the mountain. Off the distance, she could see lights from a nearby town. It’s probably dinner time. She squinted and tried to look for her house. It’s been ages since I last went home. I wonder if anyone’s looking for me.

She looked around her. The mountaintop was inviting but also very lonely. It seemed like no man had set foot there in ages. Slowly, she walked to the edge of the mountain. She closed her eyes and felt the cool breeze dancing on her cheeks. Jump. Jump. Jump, it began.

The lake had lost its color. There was nothing but the dark now. She spread her arms as though they were wings. Jump! Jump! Jump! the wind roared and so she did. Without any hesitation, she kicked off the ground and attempted to fly.

The mountain was called Expectations and she was never seen again.

---

All at once, I am the woman. I am the lake. I am the mountain. I am the trees. I am morning. I am evening. I am everything. I am nothing. There’s a ringing in my ear as though a bomb had just gone off. There are a million voices in my head. This is a good spot. Will you swim away the rest of your life? Jump. Don’t go any higher. Jump. I wanna go higher. Jump! Jump! JUMP!

Quiet! I screamed. All the voices went away except for one- yours. You were chanting. Expectations will be the death of you. Expectations will be the death of you. Expectations will be the death of you.

I’m sorry I wanted too much. My cigarette burns to the tip as I weep hot tears for you to return.

Photo Credit: Cliff Jump

Alanis Morissette
Simple Together
Feast on Scraps

46 comments:

  1. sometimes, i wish there is this kind of scale that determines whether we want, we need or we love too much...

    or we want, we need, we love just enough...

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  2. kung meron mang ganon scale, pipila talaga ako. they say hindsight is always 20/20. i just wish my regular vision were as clear.

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  3. what's with the emo-ness nyl?

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  4. Wow. That's some writing you've got. Kudos~ :)

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  5. more vivid than how to told me the story. very well written.

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  7. @engel ~ i broke up with someone. :c

    @pau ~ welcome to my blog! salamat sa pag-comment. :D

    @andrei ~ thanks. i guess the few days that i let it sort of marinate in my head helped a little. i was able to type it out in one smooth go.

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  8. I used to be idealistic when I was younger. I expected a lot of things from people and I expected a lot of things from myself. Now that I'm older, I find myself expecting less and less of people. I think I overdid it. I'm turning into a misanthrope. Haha! :D

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  9. i say, always keep your expectations at a minimum. if you set it too high, you'll fall hard. and oh, it's messier.

    "i broke up with someone. :c" - *hugs*

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  10. i think u need a healthy mix of expectations in any normal relationship. kung dumating na kayo sa point na wala na kayong ineexpect from each other, delikado na yan. pero dapat healthy mix. safe lang na tipong masasalo ka. just like in my story, u gotta listen to the lake.

    ps may nakita akong taga wwf kanina. naalala lang kita. haha

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  11. @lee ~ corrected by ka diyan!!! hehe thanks for the hugs. i'm okay naman. mabilis lang din kami eh. believe me, this post isn't as emo as i can get. haha tignan mo nalang yung posts ko back in late august to mga september, yun ang todong emo. haha

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  12. I don't actually work for WWF. I'm just all out for Mother Nature. If I'm as rich as Brad Pitt, I'll give them U.S.$1M (tax free). :))

    I love their logo too, hehe

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  13. i suppose lake here represents love... and yes, she got lost in love because of too much
    expectations....

    where is the other vesion... this one is already great but you know Viktor and I liked the other version more... may boylet kasi hahahaha

    hintayin natin ang response post ni Viktor, yung story niya about drowning and leaning too far....

    then hintayin niyo ang response post ko about the letting go... hahahhahaahha

    mga bitchesa!!!! TSE!

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  14. @andy ~ when i was a kid, i would cut out logos from magazine ads. that panda was one of my favorites.

    @yj ~ kinombine ko. ginawa kong talking lake. haha

    gusto ko yan! dugtungan ng kwento. i used to do that with writer friends. :D

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  15. As usual ang galing ng pag kakasulat ng structure. Pero nose bleed nanaman si Jepoy. Kelangan ko sigurong umattend ng isa sa diet class mo?! LOL

    God Bless!

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  16. Beautiful piece, as usual, Nyl.

    I'm only sorry it had to be fueled by a personal loss.

    Then again, artists do some of their best work when tortured.

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  17. @jepoy ~ may ganon? haha wag ka na mag-attend. magaling ka nanaman. at baka di namin matapatan ang sweldo mo.

    @rudeboy ~ it's fine. medyo nahihiya nga ako kasi nage-emo nanaman ako dito pero i figured fuck it na. ito na nga lang outlet ko. everyday is a struggle to appear fine. but i'm glad naman na everyday, paonti ng paonti yung ka-emohan. i think i'll be fine soon.

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  18. When the sea, and the sky, and the rain is one, and none. When time freezes and eternity vanishes in a split-second. Clarity arrives. Uninvited. Swift.

    Because our fragile hearts are strong, despite the vulnerability we inhabit. And that our mind can always rationalize, but our heart is what ultimately heals.

    Because all is temporal, and passing, and utterly superfluous. When the heart takes bearing, we ought to listen. Logic grounds us, but the heart uplifts.

    Let the sky promise a brighter tomorrow, let the sea wash its saltine depths, let the rain cleanse the weary chest. All will be well. Eventually.

    For now, nicoffeine is our salve. And good friends our strength. *hug*

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  19. ikaw na ang magaling magsulat, kumanta, may magandang mata, matangkad! ikaw na! ikaw na!!!! LOL

    at first, i thought this was for the one who made your earth shiver. HEHEHEHE.

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  20. *hugs*

    I do hope things will work out for you -- whether that means you'll get back together or you'll be able to move on.

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  21. sana lang nasa flying house ka para mas masaya na ang pag-fall. toinkz! =) smile naman diyan!

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  22. @red ~ thank God for thought provoking comments, the absolution of nicoffeine (the term is sooo catching on) and for friends who are always willing to help out.

    @herbs ~ haha salamat sa ego boost. yes, it is for the one who made me sheeeever.

    @ruby ~ thanks. yun din ang choices ko ngayon. sana maging malinaw na ang lahat.

    @paci ~ may lesson pa at the end!

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  23. another beautifully written entry.

    Expectation is such an unfair word. - "i thought we'd be happy together but i was sadly mistaken".

    *hugs*

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  24. it really is an unfair word. uniquely so because it's unfair for all parties involved.

    this song really makes me sad. haha note to self: stop listening to angry chick music.

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  25. awww fuck!! *hugs* tagal kong nawala sa pagba-blog hop... sorry...
    awww we have to talk about this!

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  26. oo nga eh. we seriously need to catch up. kelan ba?

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  27. It's been said before, but I'm willing to repeat it for emphasis. Beautiful, beautiful post.

    Like you, I always find myself expecting too much, too soon. I need to fix it, I know, but there's a part of me who stubbornly believes in the sublime; I find it hard to let him go.

    Hope you get to move on the soonest possible time.

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  28. that's so nice of you. thank you. :D

    is it so bad to believe that true love exists? the kind that ravages and takes you over and all that melodramatic stuff. *sigh*

    thanks for your well wishes.

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  29. nadurog ang puso ko ng post na ito.

    sabihin mo lang kung kailangan mo ng kainuman ha, emo-nul? :)

    but really, ganda ng post. awesome in various levels. :)

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  30. salamat sa pag-dalaw. tara nomnom na. dadala ako ng gilette.

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  31. pre-valentine heartbreak? uso ba to ngayon? hehe.

    a healthy mix of expectations, i agree. but a relationship is always a two-way street. we, on the other hand, should also be aware of what the other person's expectations of us. if both expectations are reconcilable there's a big chance that the relationship will work. otherwise might as well go separate ways and find each other's 'match'. no use prolonging the agony.

    keep smiling, keep loving, keep living :)

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  32. "no use prolonging the agony."

    ganon na nga nangyari. haay

    uso ba? haha

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  33. Nom-nom ba? Sama ako diyan. Kailangan na ng katawan ko ang alcohol.

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  34. may kasabihan nga tayo.. the more the manier! kaya come! let's join us!

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  35. just cheer up,cheer up...

    many fish in the sea hehe

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  36. thanks mac. i think i'm gonna hang up my fishing gear. temporarily, at least.

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  37. ay nomo ba kanyo? parang gusto kong jumoinjoin. stressed out eeh.

    whew. i can only wish i can write as well as you do, citybuoy. :D

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  38. hala ang dami na! tara! inuman na!!!

    thanks rei. i like the way you write as well. :D

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  39. okay, you win now... you know what sometimes life is really hard to think what it meant to be.. this is such a parable to me.. I know one day soon, i will just understand it, with a process of thinking it and digging this page. Right now, all i can say, you make my eyebrows grounded.. hehehehehe. nice post1

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  40. haha well we are all scholars when it comes to life. i hope your eyebrows are okay. :D

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  41. "I'm your stranger. Jump!" -- Dan, Closer.

    Most of the time, the only way to find out if we have gone too far is to go too far.

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  42. Ano? Kelan na nomo-nomo? Bilis. Uhaw na ang aking atay hehe.

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  43. @vic ~ you've always loved that movie. haha maybe you have a secret lesbian crush on ms. portman.

    once you've gone too far though, is there ever a way to go back?

    @red ~ tara! haha uhaw na ba? i-YM moko. labas tayo nina victor sa weekend. game? game!

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  44. No, honey. Once you get too far, the only thing left to do is jump. If you're not gonna jump, then you might as well not go too far. Makes sense? LOL.

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  45. it does. if only we could all be as black and white. most of us, myself included have made the mistake way before we began to think of the repercussions.

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