Saturday, October 24, 2009

spit

“Why is it that you seem so miserable when you’re in love?” a friend asked in a blunt, monotonous tone. Her straightforwardness caught me off guard. I almost spit out the coffee I had in my mouth.

“What makes you think that?” I asked, ignoring the fact that it’s rude to answer a question with another question.

“It’s just… I don’t know how to say it. It seems like…”

“Just say it. There’s no point in beating around the bush.” I interrupted.

“Okay. Before this mess, you were so sane. And then this person comes and all of a sudden you’re forgetful and quiet and always distracted. I don’t know what to make of it. You say you’re serious this time; that you aren’t playing anymore. It seems to me like you’re playing a lot of games and neither of you really know the rules.”

“I don’t know. I’m not in love,” I said. “I, uh, I don’t believe in love anymore.” She raised an eyebrow as I struggled to explain.

I wanted to sound as witty as possible but I’m pretty sure it didn’t seem that way to her. I took another sip of my Americano and thought of a way to change the topic.

“As a generation, we have lost the capacity to love. We are all just mounds of flesh filled to the brim with lust, need and friskiness.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Deny something’s existence because you failed at it. Of course, love exists. We’ve talked about that so many times before.”

“I’m sure decades ago, it still existed but nowadays, no one takes the time to fall in love anymore. We’ve become so honest and so comfortable with each other that it kills any chance for romance to bloom.”

“You’re twenty-three. How would you know how things were back then?”

“It’s clearly depicted in movies. Back then, scriptwriters and directors took the time to show how love begins and blossoms. These days, a man meets a woman, they do it and boom! They’re in love.”

“Okay but that doesn’t really tell me anything about love and honesty. How can you say that being honest and comfortable kills romance? Isn’t it good that people in this decade are more open to sex and intimacy?”

“There is no intimacy. Like I said, there is only lust…”

“Need and friskiness. Yes, I got that the first time.”

“We’re too honest. No one takes the time to pretend they’re okay anymore. All we ever do is whine and complain. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you that a boyfriend is someone who will listen when you’re having a bad day at work or whenever things don’t go your way. How can we ever fall in love when we spend most of the time complaining?”

“So are you saying that to fall in love, we need to pretend? I thought the whole point of falling in love was to share your life with someone, not censor it. How do you truly love when you’re not really being yourself?

Suddenly, a man walked by our table and let out a huge glob of spit. The afternoon sun reflected on the bubbles that formed on the surface.

“Think of it this way: no one spits on the street. It’s gross, it’s tactless and very rude. Think of love as a street and we are people with spit in our mouths. The polite thing to do would be to quietly suffer with spit in our mouths or swallow. Instead, because we have been too comfortable with each other, we spit on the street. He spits on the street. She spits on the street. You and I spit on the street. Sooner or later, that spit collects and now we’re drowning in a massive sea of saliva and phlegm and no one wants to take the blame.”

“That’s gross and doesn’t really stand to reason. Plus I don’t think you know too much about love to form a valid opinion,” she retorted.

“I don’t know everything about love but I think I know enough.”

“So where does that leave you? Are you going to pretend everything’s peachy for the rest of your life? Is that why you pull away the minute you feel like it’s starting to get serious? Does that mean you’re just going to spend the rest of your life playing with other people? Swallowing your spit while they drown you with theirs? That’s not very nice.”

“No, it isn’t.” We were quiet after that. Too many things said and unsaid, I guess.

“Can’t we talk about something else?” I asked, breaking the silence. “I swear, that man’s spit looks like it’s got a life of its own.”

“I know, right? So gross.” We carried on the rest of the afternoon talking about other things. A true friend knows when to stop prying.

I couldn’t sleep that night. I was still thinking about her question. Was I really miserable? After spending close to an hour twisting and turning in bed, I gave up and decided to spend the remaining hours of my night doing something else.

I sat in bed practically motionless. Questions. So many questions. What did my friend see in me that I couldn’t? Why do I pull away the moment things get serious? Did I mean the things I said or was I just feeding her bull to numb the ache of failure?

There, in the comfort of my solitude, I let down my walls and tried to be honest. If I can’t be honest with myself, who can I be honest with?

I went to the bathroom. The fluorescent light was harsh and it took my eyes some time to adjust. I inspected my face. The days have not been kind. I need a haircut. My face seemed rough and coffins of pimples laid to rest glared at me like some haunted audience. I turned on the tap and let it run for a few moments. I cupped the water in my hands and splashed it on my face.

In the mirror, I looked the enemy straight in the eye. I’m sorry I wasn’t honest. I know I said I don’t believe in love anymore. Truth is, I just stopped believing it could happen to me.


The Killers
Smile Like You Mean It
Hot Fuss


52 comments:

  1. naku naman, sinapul mo ako dun my friend..<*tambling*>

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  2. We are all fools for love.

    That's it. And that's all.

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  3. @rudeboy ~ your shortest comment to date but also the meatiest.

    @period ~ sapul ba? haha hala. parang puro sa emo posts ka nakakarelate ah. okay ka lang ba?

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  4. love is the primary substance/spirit in the universe. like a fish that is unaware that it swims and breathes in water, we are unaware of this fundamental quality. however, in our ignorance, it persists; for without it, we would not.

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  5. love has many forms too. the love from our family and friends is always constant. when it comes to relationships though, it's alarming how many substances disguise themselves as love.

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  6. I agree. Rarely can we find love in its true and purest form. To extend the "substance" analogy, I think many would agree that the only way to test something for love is through the fire. *cue music* Haha.

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  7. Out of the One comes the Two, out of the Two comes the Three, and from the Three comes the Four as the One.

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  8. scenes from 500 Days of Summer came flashing by me while reading this post.

    =)

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  9. OMG OMG i'am so glad we don't have this kind of conversation whenever the CBs are out for coffee...

    yaiy... okay, mas malala pa minsan ang usapan natin hahahahahaaha

    anyways, the realization that you still believe in love is a good way to start.... maniniwala ka rin ulit friend...darating din siya.....:)

    hugs....

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  10. @vic ~ paging chaka khan? haha anyway, yeah i totally agree. i wonder if man is even capable of love in its purest form. we probably wouldn't even recognize it if we ever saw it.

    @lof ~ i don't get it.. :'c

    @engel ~ i haven't seen it! i'm planning to. maybe later or tomorrow. depende kung tamarin ako.

    @YJ ~ we don't really emo too much pag tayo tayo. usually we just bash beebeegurl. haha

    well mahirap magsalita ng tapos. malay nga natin. hehe

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  11. I was responding to your comment about "love has many forms" and stating my belief that fundamentally, the many are united in one.

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  12. ah, i get it now. my question is.. if 1 = pure love, what do you add to make it 2 and 3 and so on... why do we have to add? isn't pure love enough.

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  13. the unconscious struggles toward consciousness. nature struggles to differentiate until it reaches a point where a balance reached and the different parts integrate into a new whole -- which struggles to further differentiate. this is pure love's own doing.

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  14. sinung tao ang hindi naniniwala sa love???
    WALA!!!
    ayaw umasa...
    MARAMI.
    nuod ka '500 days of summer'...
    tagal kong iaabangan yun ee.
    kasi nakakarelate ako...



    "if theres one thing we know about love...

    its that we know nothing at all."

    hindi ka rin paniniwalaan ng LOVE kung hindi ka naniniwala sa kanya.
    LOVELOVELOVE!!!
    :p

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  15. @LOF ~ love complicates what was once simple? or am i just seeing what i want to see?

    @gege ~ "hindi ka rin paniniwalaan ng LOVE kung hindi ka naniniwala sa kanya."

    aray naman. haha kakauwi ko lang. i saw it. sobrang nakarelate ako kay tom. kaso wala akong happy ending. haha

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  16. why else would the sky and the sea make bamboo, why else would a certain bird pick at that bamboo until humans came out. love does not divide or subtract, it adds and multiplies.

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  17. wow. malakas and maganda? in all fairness, that makes a lot of sense. i guess i never really stopped believing in love. i just gotta learn that at some point, it can happen to me again. :D 'nuff emo. haha i think i should start drafting a happy post.

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  18. i think i ought to find a cave. lol.

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  19. Yay! you caught me there broda, right on mah face! haha. saree, i'll try to moderate my cooments na nga (puppy eyes). XP

    I believe it is a human condition to cheat even to our own self. be it in love or in carreer or in anything. and yes, i agree with you, love is creative and universal. like heat, it can take any form. :)

    time's up ka na on loving your own self. openthe doors again. we may never know what will happen. god is full of suprayses.

    viva la vie boheim. Yay!

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  20. @eiyas: Its not a human condition to cheat. That is just a rationalization for one who finds it intolerable, for one good reason or another, to not fully commit to something.

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  21. funny how a spit can change our ideas, beliefs, and life in general.

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  22. i just caught the sweetest thing on HBO. i remembered cameron's character. http://msgsent.weebly.com/index.html

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  23. @LOF ~ ano ba? di naman! haha

    @Yas ~ time's up na ba? haha hayaan mo, i'll start soon.

    @the geek ~ true dat. haha actually may moment right after i said (btw, the conversation was mostly in filipino) "ngayon, naliligo na tayo sa sarili nating dura" na we just started laughing. it took us a while to get back to the topic. haha

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  24. @coco ~ akala ko spammer ka. haha sorry! saw your blog. really nice. i love the pictures :D

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  25. it will happen to you, kid. :) not in the way you want it to or the way you expect it to, maybe. but it will. :)

    trust a 30-year-old guy who's heart has crashed and burnt a couple of times, and yet still continue to believe in love. :)

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  26. i should have said, while its not human nature, its not a rare aberration either. humans have tremendous difficulty fully committing to something -- which is why some have very prolonged adolescences or childhoods. life is love and love is a process.

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  27. @angelo ~ that's rather comforting. i'm getting the same advice from all ages. i guess it's time i started listening.

    @lof ~ so we are all innately able to love but our short attention spans prevent us from carrying it through?

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  28. @citybuoy, yah..mabait naman ako..nagkataon na i was provoked.

    am i okay?ah, not really sure

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  29. i think its the impulse not to grow up that propels some to cheat. fully committing to something is as grown up as it gets in a human life. and that impulse still comes from a place of love, just aimed at relating in the wrong place.

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  30. well that explains a lot then. it tells us why so many relationships don't work out and why despite the fact that someone loves someone else, he or she may still cheat. it's all love.. just sometimes misplaced. :D

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  31. it doesn't make the hurt any less painful though.

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  32. @LOF ~ true true. it hurts but wallowing (like i did in this post) isn't really helping. i gotta start drafting that happy post.

    @ewik ~ oo na! emo naman ako talaga eh? babangasan mo pa ako? haha

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  33. movie prescription : 500 days of summer. :)

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  34. i wouldn't be so hard on yourself -- i found the comment-dialogue to be helpful myself.

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  35. aawwww... well i think we need to get together.... tonight! let's! got a plan? we need to have a meeting about this ^_^

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  36. @gentle ~ sakto! haha i saw it twice already. grabe, i really love it. :D

    @LOF ~ well with you, the comments are always more interesting than my post. haha

    @carlo ~ i know. we didn't really get to talk much last night.

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  37. sabi ko rin talaga dati na di na ko maniniwala. hindi lang pala ako naniniwala na may darating pa pala para sa akin. yihee! ang cheezy.

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  38. I was so ready to say it here, but I guess you knew it all along. We've been so used to "too good to be true" that when the best happens, the most of us just let it slide, believing that we made the right (i.e. smart) choice.

    Excellent posts. And oh. If you talk to your friends that way, your conversations must be really good. :D

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  39. i think a lot of it has to do with fear. we're afraid of being let down- our expectations have become premeditated resentments. so we let it slide. kind of like prematurely sour graping.

    thanks for visiting! :D i'm checking out your blog now and i really really love your layout.

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  40. Thanks, hope you enjoy your stay. And you're right. A lot of it is about fear, and to a certain extent, pride.

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  41. 一時代を築いたスタービーチは閉鎖になってしまいましたが、もう一度楽しい思いをしたい、もう一度であいたいと思う有志により再度復活しました。本家以上に簡単に会えて楽しい思いを約束します

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  42. 聖なる場所スタービーチで愛を育てませんか。メル友や恋人、セクフレなど貴方が理想としている関係がスタビでは築けちゃいます。素敵なであいから発展させていきませんか

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  43. 申し訳ありません、私は日本語を理解しないでください。とにかく寄ってくれて感謝します。

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  44. 2010 競馬予想 各厩舎・調教師から届けられる最強の馬券情報を限定公開!本物の オッズ 表はコレだ

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  45. よく「彼氏いるでしょ~?」って言われるけど、イナイよσ(‾^‾)トモダチ集めてホームパーティーなんかしたりするのがマイブームでして♪♪好きな人ができてもハズかしくて告れない…(>_< )しゅりのココロをゲットしてぇ~☆コドモっぽい性格だから年上でお兄ちゃんみたいな人がタイプだよ(*^m^*) h-13-i-12@docomo.ne.jp

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  46. 遂に復活!!スタービーチで素敵なであいをお楽しみ下さい

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  47. 変わってるって言われるけどわりといい人だよ(笑)!!お笑い好きな人だったら話盛り上がりそうだねO(≧▽≦)O 色んなことに興味深々でおっちょこちょいだからそばで支えてくれる人募集中σ(゜-^*)自分の年齢的に年下の男の子はアウトだからごめんね(*_ _)人 u-3-ummm52@docomo.ne.jp

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  48. 【緊急】突如として消えたスタービーチが復活!長い年月をかけて不死鳥の如く蘇ったスタビをお楽しみください【緊急】

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  49. モバゲーよりすごいスタービーチで最高の恋をしよう!!素敵な仲間を探したい!!信頼出来る友達が欲しい…理想のパートナーと出会って理想の恋をしたい…そんなアナタに最も最適なスタビで恋の幸せ掴みとりましょう♪

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