Thursday, October 8, 2009

city

BLEEP BLEEP BLOP. It seems that blog-wise, I have become constipated. It’s not that I can’t write. It’s just I can never seem to finish a thought. I have paragraphs to begin, a couple of middles and a few ones to end. Problem is they’re all about different things. So for this week’s post, I decided to call in a guest writer. I sent her everything and told her to go crazy. I really like how she was able to put my thoughts and her experiences together while maintaining the general way that my posts are written. Without further ado, here’s this weeks post.

Can we start over? It's a simple question but the inferred meaning opens up a world of opportunities. It's a barometer of hope- hope that within the ash and debris, an ember still exists.

Six weeks after I last saw L, he decided it was finally time for us to talk. Our friends, perhaps with the purest of intentions, figured we both needed this time to talk. I was acting so brave the whole time. I didn’t even look at him from across the table.

“I was hoping we could be friends,” he offered.

I took my time to respond. I needed to choose my words carefully. Up until that moment, I had acted so coolly. (I even surprised myself!) This despite the fact that emotionally, this evening had sent me back at least a month of recovery.

“I can’t give you that.” I began. “I’m not the same person I was. That person would’ve accepted. I can’t.” You don’t jump the same cliff twice. With pain comes experience and I was not really in the mood for masochism.

For weeks, I hoped for closure and when I realized he was not going to give that to me, I learned to move on alone. I sought answers to questions I couldn’t ask him. I learned how to walk without turning around every few seconds to see if he finally came back. I was breathing again. Living again. Why was he doing this now? Whatever happened to letting sleeping dogs lie?

“I’m not rushing you. I know it’s going to take some time. I just think that it’s time for us to be friends again.”

“You’re so unfair!” I snapped. So much for acting cool.You decided when we started seeing each other. You decided that we were exclusively dating. You decided that we shouldn’t see each other again. And now, now you’re telling me you finally decided it’s ‘time for us to be friends again’? Sorry but I have no use for your friendship.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. It would’ve made a world of difference six weeks ago but now that the fire’s out, this cup of water seemed more like a cruel joke. We managed to end the night without too much drama. We settled the bill and carpool plans were made. I thought we both understood that we didn’t have anything left to rebuild a friendship. I was wrong.

“Can I hold you?” L asked. We were standing right at the corner of Makati Avenue and Pasay Road waiting for a cab.

“No.” I answered.

“Please? I missed you. Can I hug you?”

“Why are you doing this? Haven’t you hurt me enough?” I looked him straight in the eye just so he could see how angry I was.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” he said over and over again. He threw his arms around me and started to cry. I tensed up. I could feel his warm tears on my shoulder. Suddenly, everything- from the time we met, the time we fell in love, to the time we fell apart came rushing in. It felt like a massive wind suddenly entered and left my body in such a rush that if I did not hold on to something, I would fly away. I hugged him back and he sobbed louder.

“I’m sorry, okay? I missed you. You say you’re not the same person because of what happened to us. I’m not the same person either. I’m sorry I hurt you but you hurt me too.” It was then that I realized this was not the same L I met nor was this the L I was arguing with mere minutes before. This was an honest L, a wounded L and I couldn’t help but feel guilty that I had somehow caused this change.

I once heard of a strange animal (whose name escapes me now) who poisons himself right after he is captured. Funny how I should conjure this memory right at that exact moment. Like poison running its course through my body, I killed myself with four simple words.

“Can we start over?”

I pulled away from our embrace and saw the indecision in his eyes. Despite all my best efforts, he still managed to do the one thing I swore I would never let him do again- deny me. I looked away, hailed a cab and swore I would never look back.

Can we start over? It's a stupid question. It disguises itself as a simple solution- the universal do-over. But once you peel away all the layers of things we keep and things we show, it exposes its ugly head.

Photo Credit: The Hungry Cyclist


Sara Bareilles
City
Little Voice


25 comments:

  1. No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man. -Heraclitus (quoted by Plato)

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  2. This, dear Nyl, is why I don't trust tears.

    And apropos of Heraclitus' quote above, I would add: "Cry me a river. I cried a river for you."

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  3. “I’m not the same person I was. That person would’ve accepted. I can’t.”

    - We share the same sentiment. Somehow it changes, I find out that i still care.

    But it will never be the same again. :(

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  4. if thingx were all that simple-I guess its just the way life goes. Its either you try and click refresh again or close the window and use another browser.

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  5. i also can't finish a story i've been writing for months now. grrrr! i wish i wish i could finsh it this week. huhu. my brain cells are on vacation.


    love,
    nobe

    www.deariago.com
    www.iamnobe.wordpress.com

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  6. again... what did we ever do? where do find these guys?

    we're good people....

    hoy at bakit wala yang CAN WE START OVER part nung kinukuwento mo?

    hahahahahaha

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  7. i found myself unable to comment on this. but in my case, i always keep telling myself that the real test of a choice is having to do the same choice over and over again.

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  8. that's hard to do but you're able to. I think L can't offer you anything more than friendship. I hope you'll be ok w/ or w/o him.

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  9. @LOF ~ it makes sense. the river runs its course. we also have our own. if he should ever see the river again, he only thinks it's the same but that river only exists in his memories.

    @rudeboy ~ tears are terrible things. problem is i'm such a sucker for them. i can't stand people crying.

    what's interesting is i could never seem to cry (to this day) despite everything that's happened. reminds me of something carrie (satc) said. perhaps you're alloted a certain number of tears per person and i've used mine up.

    "cry me a river. i cried a river for you." - faith hill had a floppish song called cry. perfect soundtrack.

    @acrylique ~ things are never the same anyway. just like what lance said up there, no man ever steps in the same river twice. if you still care, go lang. just be sure that you leave some love for yourself. baka nabigay mo na lahat, magulat ka nalang there's not enough for you to pick up the pieces.

    @herbs ~ love the metaphor. mahirap lang mag-refresh. babagal lalo. END TASK! END TASK! END TASK! END TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASK!

    @nobe ~ hope you finish it soon. i find that taking a little detour can get you right back on track. ironic no? haha like wong kar wai. i saw somewhere na in the middle of in the mood for love, he had to write other stuff too. not sure kung tama yung recollection ko. could be something else.

    @YJ ~ we're nice people! haha nice people deserve to be treated well.

    eh di ko naman siya kwento eh. diba nga may ghost/guest writer ako. tanong mo siya. pakwento ka. haha

    @Victor ~ thanks for commenting kahit nahirapan ka. there's a certain amount of humiliation in love. but is making the same choice over and over again making a choice? maybe it's learning the right choice but settling for the wrong one anyway.

    @xtian ~ unfortunately, that friendship is a little useless. i'm sure my ghost/guest writer will be okay. she always comes through. :D

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  10. *sigh* yun lang.

    words betrayed me while reading you post.

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  11. no problem. sometimes a sigh can mean more than pages and pages of words. if you had a similar experience, i hope you were able to deal with it well.

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  12. so this is a straight love story then? interesting.

    pffft, men!

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  13. well it's not really my story to tell. hehe

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  14. kaibigan, let's sip and talk awhile over a cup of coffee..mukhang madami kang ikukuwento sa akin ah...kaso ako hindi magkukuwento kasi parang halos kabaligtaran ng nararamdaman mo ang kilig pepe feeling na nararamdaman ko

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  15. kaibigan, let's sip and talk awhile over a cup of coffee..mukhang madami kang ikukuwento sa akin ah...kaso ako hindi magkukuwento kasi parang halos kabaligtaran ng nararamdaman mo ang kilig pepe feeling na nararamdaman ko

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  16. From Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:

    Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.

    Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.

    Joel: Okay.

    Clementine: [pauses] Okay.

    Sometimes it's better to jump than to keep looking down a cliff. :)

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  17. i can totally relate to L because i think i can see where he's coming from. of course, break ups are always sad and it always leaves a mark on both parties. you know, i've tried that as well, to ask if we could start over. and i got the same response. it was really my intention to start over but i guess i never considered the feelings of the other party. i guess i moved on faster than the other and i was being insensitive when i asked the same question. i guess it's true when they say, "may lamat na".

    napa share tuloy ako ng life story ko, hahaha.

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  18. @vic ~ but those are not your only options. sometimes you have to turn around and forget about the cliff. but then again, that's just me. it's a "base to base casis" haha

    @period ~ nescafe?

    @max ~ it always sucks when the other person moves on more quickly. these things are always understandable but never fair for the slower party.

    thanks for sharing your story. it helps to get the faster party's perspective. hehe

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  19. I think they're not moving on so quickly. Magaling lang sila magkunwari.

    They wont say let's start all over again kung naka-move on na sila. Insensitive lang talaga.

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  20. vic and nyl: fundamentally, we are talking about an orchestra of complexes internally, di ba?

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  21. nyl, 3 words.

    1. DON'T
    2. LOOK
    3. BACK

    and a punctuation, !

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  22. @acrylique ~ it's not insensitive, i think. sabi nga nila, all is fair in love and war. it's selfish, yes but during break-ups diba dapat talaga maging selfish?

    @lof ~ siguro because we're pulling from different experiences, victor and i are not exactly agreeing. haha

    @gervs ~ amen!

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  23. Nice proverb for this: Fool me once shame on YOU, fool me twice shame on ME.

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  24. true true. brings back memories of leanne rimes. hehe

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