Tuesday, September 8, 2009

relapsus

“You’ll never guess who’s downstairs.”

“Who?” asked my friend.

I looked at her with one eyebrow raised. “You know who I’m talking about.”

I watched as her expression changed. It was very subtle but I saw it. “He’s downstairs. Wants to see me. That okay with you?”

“Of course,” she said, sounding winded. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

A few minutes later, my phone beeped.

“SOS,” the message read.

“What’s wrong?” I replied.

“Can you come back? I need you.”

I said goodbye to the unwanted visitor. In the two minutes we spent together, we barely spoke. I’m still not altogether sure what he wanted or why he was there. At that time, all I could think of was my friend and how this whole thing left her wounded yet again.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Yeah, it’s just… wow… I didn’t expect that.”

“I thought you were fine. You’ve been going on and on about how you’re over him and all that. What’s this?”

“I thought I was. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I was perfectly fine up until a few minutes ago. My mind’s okay. My heart’s okay. It’s just my damn stomach.”

“Butterflies?” I offered.

“No. Not butterflies. More like wasps. What did he want?”

“I don’t know. I got here as soon as I could.”

“Did he ask about me?”

“No. Not really.”

“Did you say anything about me?”

“No. I’m not stupid, okay?” We were quiet for a little bit. She started to cry.

“Look, I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have said anything if I knew you were still…”

“How is he?” she asked, cutting me off.

“Fine. He says he found a job. He starts in a few days.”

“Finally.”

“Yeah. And uh…” I trailed off. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to say anything. At times like this, I wish friends came with a manual.

“And what?”

“He’s seeing someone. Wants me to meet her next week”

“What?!” she shouted. Fighting back more tears, she let out a series of whimpers and other sounds.. “Whu.. How.. How is that even possible? It’s only been a week.”

“I don’t know. I didn’t want to ask too many questions. I’m not going, just so you know.”

“How could he have moved on so quickly? I mean, it’s only been a week. For Pete’s sake, the movies we saw together are still in theaters. How is that even possible?”

“I guess people move on at different paces.”

“Is it really that easy for him?” she asked, cutting me off once again. “Like fucking changing socks? One foot then the other? Dammit!”

“Don’t think of it that way. Just try to move on. He has. You should, too.”

“I wish it were that easy. It’s not fair!” she yelled, sounding like a four year old.

“Sulking’s not gonna help, you know. What happened? I thought you said you were fine. Didn’t you break up with him?” She was quiet. From the tears and all that hair, I could barely see her face.

“Just try not to think about him,” I added. I came a little closer to give her a hug. We both fell to the ground and she started weeping openly.

“How can I? How can I forget about him when he’s in the rain, in my morning coffee, in the paper? He’s everywhere. It’s like he’s haunting me or something. Everywhere I look, I see something that reminds me of him. And it’s not fair. It’s not fair.”

Relapse is a bitch. One minute you’re fine, the next minute you’re on the floor with wasps in your stomach.

Alanis Morissette
Flinch
Under Rug Swept

24 comments:

  1. whoever invented break ups sucks.

    or maybe it's the one who invented happily ever afters?

    i don't really know anymore.

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  2. wow ambilis ng reply ah! why are u up so early?

    hmm.. interesting thought. yeah, break-ups suck but they're very necessary right? who would want to be stuck in a broken relationship?

    as for the happily ever after... let's not kill the inventor. let's kill the liar who said it was easy to find it and that it wouldn't hurt if you lose it.

    good morning!

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  3. i think relapsing is much better than fanaticism where we pretend there is no doubt.

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  4. Hi there, citybuoy. You're a good writer, and I've been darting in and out of your blog. Didn't want to comment from out of the blue, so, ah, hello.

    Anyway, hell that sucks. That guy is either pretty dense or very passive-aggressive for even thinking of introducing the new girl in his life to someone he just broke up with a week earlier.

    Alas, when it comes to post-romantic trauma, all advice is useless. I wish your friend well and she's just going to have to ride it out. And tell her that while time heals all wounds, time wounds all heels, too.

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  5. new duties denies me of sleep in the evening.

    kinda wondering why i even accepted (or apply for) the position.

    will go to sleep again now.

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  6. Citybuoy,

    Break-ups are hard, but to NOT break up is even harder.

    Tell your friend to go on grieving. One minute, she's fine. The next, she's not. The next day, she's fine, again. It's not a relapse, it's just the way we are. Human, all too human.


    Kane

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  7. get over it. kaya mo yan. you're too gorgeous to go emo like me LOL

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  8. ang galing talaga ni light of flight, nasapul niya ang gusto kong sabihin

    about sa post ko...SWEET po ba? actually, hindi pa naman talaga kami close ni 'kuya'...it's more of a one way thing pa as of this moment. pero hopefully, sana maging close talaga kami kahit magkaibang magkaiba kami...

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  9. haaayy, sadyang ganun talaga. iba iba kase pananaw ng bawat isa.

    minsan need lang mapalitan agad para lang masama na nakapag move on na agad. hirap.

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  10. @LOF it's like denial but in reverse. i think relapse sucks but it's sometimes, it's a necessary evil.

    @rudeboy hello. :D welcome to cb. the guy wasn't really dense. i guess that's the problem with common friends. dapat may custody hearing din. haha

    re: all advice is useless, so true. i've probably heard all possible forms of advice these past few weeks. at the end of the day though, nasa-sayo parin yan eh.

    @engel i'm sure may reason yan. baka night-diff? haha good night!

    @kane will do. tama ka. kaya pala yun ang name ng blog mo. we're human. at least hindi manhid diba?!

    @herbs thanks bibigurl! haha

    @period thanks for reading! sana maging closer kayo!

    @xtian rebound? i don't know. parang di naman ako susuporta duon. makakasakit ka lang ng ibang tao.

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  11. @period: salamat ho.

    @cb: relapse is major denial mixed with 2 teaspoons of ambivalence.

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  12. and then realizing it all went to shit? that's a very interesting take. i like that. :D

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  13. must be the ever changing weather..hehehe

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  14. @geek yeah, the rain brings out the emo in all of us.

    @ewik mariah? is that you?

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  15. now lang iyan may hurt. eventually, it'll get better. it always does. :)

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  16. love takes time... to heal when you're hurting so much...

    "(

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  17. @angelo yeah, it always does. weird naman if it keeps getting worse. haha sabi nga nila, out of sight, out of mind.

    @YJ hala sumasapi talaga si ate mariah sa mga tao. mag-ingat ka. baka mapakanta ka ng ♫ why u so obsessed with me? boy i wanna know! ♫ hehe

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  18. galing talaga ng mga write ups mo! :)
    u should write a book.. o baka meron na?

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  19. oh wow. thanks! sana lang meron diba? haha that's very nice of u to say. thanks. :D

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  20. Sabihin mo kay Ate wag masyadong mag emote nakaka panget yun. Party Party nalang kamo sya, marami naman dyan sa tabi tabi basta suminghot lang kame sya ng katol every morning para makalimot ;-D

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  21. bwahaha sige sabihin ko. kaso baka saktan ako nun. haha

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  22. I was bloghopping and saw your comment in my friend's blog.

    Relapse will always happen. Tell your friend that it's okay to be hurt again. But also remember the reason why you're hurting, not just the person who hurt you. :)

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  23. welcome to cb! :D

    relapse happens. i think my friend's better now. it just took a lot of introspection.

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