Monday, July 13, 2009

ribbons undone

There are days when you question whether you’re in the right place or not. Like maybe someone somewhere is living your life- the losing half of a lottery scratch card. Lately, I’ve been dealing with so much negativity that nothing feels the same way anymore. My morning bath, once cold and refreshing seems tedious and boring. My coffee, once bitter and invigorating seems watered down and subdued. I’ve been inside a shell for so long that when it finally cracked, I didn’t know exactly how to react. (Goodness, I’ve resorted to rhyming.)

What shell, you ask? I’ve been crying uncontrollably. I feel like a preschooler. I saw quite a number of movies (and a play!) over the weekend and I couldn’t write any reviews about them because the only thing I remember was my tears. I cried during the wedding vows in Rachel Getting Married. I cried for the children in Freedom Writers. I cried with Sister Aloysius in Doubt. I cried three times in The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. I even cried when McQueen pushed The King towards the finish line in Cars. I had to excuse myself so I missed the last part. What’s wrong with me?

It’s like I’m a child again. My favorite teacher (who ultimately inspired me to become one myself) once saw me crying behind the school chapel alone. I was maybe 7 or 8. Illuminated by the light from the stained glass window, I was crying because one of my classmates said something really horrible to me. I didn’t know how to fight back. Everyone was gone by that time. I should’ve been home, too but my mom’s secretary was running late. I just didn’t want to be there anymore. I felt so helpless. So I cried.

“I don’t want to cry anymore. My dad told me that real men don’t do that.” I told her between fits of tears.

“That’s not true. Crying is not the refuge of the weak. It’s okay to cry sometimes. Even the brave rest every now and then.”

“Do you cry, Teacher?”
I asked.

“Sometimes. When I don’t know what to do. When I feel like I need His help. When I want to feel loved”

We prayed together and she held me as I wept. It’s been almost fifteen years since but I still remember her. I think she became a missionary or something. I wonder what she’s doing right now.

Fifteen years. A decade and a half. What’s with the major regression? I haven’t been so perpetually close to tears in such a long time. Is it stress? Is it exhaustion? Could it be a void that needs to be filled? Or perhaps deep inside me, the weepy little kid behind the parish is still there, crying because he’s helpless. I don’t want to be that kid anymore.

She said she cries when she wants to feel loved. Do I want to feel loved? Is that why I’ve been crying? Do I even know what love is anymore?

I thought about this a while ago while I was walking home. What is love to me? Every time I think of love, I can’t help but thinking of my parents. Yes, they’ve had their ups and downs but after all these years, they’re still crazy about each other. To put it in my father’s words, patay na patay parin siya sa akin.

Love is putting yellow stickers on the perfectly black keyboard so she can Facebook till the wee hours of the morning. Love is buying that bland unsalted butter (which no one likes and is twice the price of the brand you like) because she wants to eat healthy. Love is giving up the fatty part of your pork chop (the best part!) just to see him devour it with such gusto. Love is laughing at each other’s jokes even though you’ve heard them fifty million times before. Love is staying together not because of the kids but because deep down you know that despite them, you would never want to be in a world without each other. That’s what love is. I know it’s real because I am living proof that it exists.

Farck, I’m crying again. My major task this week is to find out what the bloody hell opened the friggin’ dam behind my eyes. Maybe after I fix this, I will finally know how Cars ends.

Tori Amos
Ribbons Undone (Live)
The Beekeeper

25 comments:

  1. crying is generally a good thing, di ba? if you ask me my opinion, i'd say love is getting 7.5 to 9 hours of sleep a night. =P

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  2. Buti ka pa nga, you can cry so easily. It's only recently that I've learned to let go and get, uhm, teary-eyed at best. Now I know why I should stick to comedy, cuz I'd suck at drama.

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  3. @LOF wow. that's love. i wish i could get past 6. lately though, i've been waking up at least an hour before my alarm goes off.

    @Joel haha i miss comedy too. it's like one minute i was at 30 rock and then suddenly i'm in grey's anatomy or something. i don't want to be such a crybaby but whatever the lesson is, i'm just bracing myself now.

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  4. oh yeah. that's the other half of the love equation. love takes time... especially when you're averaging 4 hours. your limbic brain and adrenals have to get reacquainted with the life of sleep

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  5. @Toni thanks for reading!

    @LOF haha isn't it strange how there's just a really thick cloud of mariah carey's self-titled album over this post and the succeeding comments? track 3 and 11 to be exact.

    it's a little early. i think i'm going to get my last 1 hour by hook or by crook.

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  6. "I don’t want to be that kid anymore."

    >you saying this gives me the suspicion that you are not that kid anymore. :)

    re love: nyl, love also is not thinking too much.

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  7. Wasn't it you who once told me that it's okay to cry sometimes?

    It's just one of them days...

    But honey... cars? For real?

    hehe.. ah labs you!

    Let's watch Spring Awakening on September!!! I think you'll like it ... seriously!!! =)

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  9. Wow.... I'm speechless...

    Well I'm not.

    "Do I want to feel loved? Is that why I’ve been crying? Do I even know what love is anymore?" - Yes you know what love is silly. This is what you show us and this is what we show you. Remember, focus on LOVE that is CONSTANT.

    Whatabout your second to the last paragraph made me cry. Well... teary-eyed...

    It is real. One day, we will prove to the world that LOVE could be a permanent situation (tenses?)

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  10. na-bother ako sa post mo.haaaaay.

    nga pala about sa question mo, oo,guwapo si mark herras in person!

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  11. @Victor I guess I'm all grown up. I think it took a little introspection to realize that.

    Yes, love is not thinking too much. To make it work, you have to be a little careless. hehe

    @Belle or one of them weeks. haha yeah, we should really see spring awakening. i'm so excited! mamaaaaaa who bore meeee!

    @Apol (mmm apol) It's real. About it being a permanent situation... hmm... let's talk about it. haha

    @Period Nabother ka talaga? haha sorry!

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  12. crying doesn't make us less of a man, so why not if you want?

    and that paradigm you describe as love. why can't something well treasured and well spoken of be so difficult to find. and when found, becomes much more difficult to hold on.

    dun worry cb, tonight this cry baby becomes your kadamay. tear on! :)

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  13. welcome sa quarter life crisis(?)

    hehehe...

    maganda yan naiiyak mo, anti-stress...

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  14. @Ash yeah, i'm totally learning to just live with it instead of challenging it. yes, love is crazy but that's why everyone wants it. :D

    wow. we should have a crying party! hahaha i don't think a lot of people would attend though. a bunch of grown men getting together to watch moulin rouge or the crying game. haha

    @Ewik Quarter life crisis? Wow. I thought I had at least two more years. :c at least nga may stress release.

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  15. Rachel Getting Married is Anne's swan song. She's a great actress. =)

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  16. is it? i didn't know she was retiring.

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  17. haha! iyakan ba ang labanan??? ahm. ako?! minsan ayoko ng maging ako... kasi i ALWAYS cry out!!! matindi. miski sa klasrum, habang worldLIT, habang consumer psych! wanna know why??? kasi gusto ng lacrimal glands ko. haha! hindi ko sila mapakiusapan na PWEDE BA!!! not this time. haist. basta kapag emotionally disturbed ako lahat apektado. miski pagpili ko ng LUnCH ko. misan sandwich na lang.:)) super emotional ako. ahm... just like you??? actually sasabihin ko lang na SALAMAT! for the comment. your my first COMMENTOR. haha! :)) pero binasa ko narin tong latest post mu. haist. LOVE? bsta topic nayan gogogo ako! dami kung gustong sabihin tungkol dun. BEING LOVED.?? isa lang masasabi ko dun. PREBELEHIYO. its not a right! its a privileged... being love by someone. by your family. by anyone. maswerte tayo! were blessed to have a loving family! :)) haba na nito. thanks ulit ah! wag tayong matakot umiyak... its one way to say... we're special.for not to be hurt by anyone nor taken for granted. :)) chill! :))

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  18. I'm cryin as I type this. Thanx for your words and ur ability to push on and be honest with us. Ur an inspiration.

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  19. @Gege Thanks for sharing your thoughts. haha and like i said, i'm honored to be your first commenter.

    @Lany Welcome to CB! Thank you for posting such a nice comment. I think your posts are real honest, too. :D

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  20. as they say imitation is the best form of flattery, and I would say I copied the codes in your music player... thank you.

    I can only hope to be as good a writer as you.

    htttp://aikcomo.blogspot.com says THANK YOU!

    ...we cry cuz our hearts can no longer keep the emotion inside.

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  21. me,i dont cry a lot in real life,but movies made me cry like a river!LOL

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  22. @Aik If so, then i am very flattered. :D Thank you for dropping by. I saw the changes you made to the code and found them very interesting indeed, :D

    @Mac Now that I've solved this problem, I don't cry as much anymore. hehe but yeah, sad movies always make me cry (parang kanta lang)

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  23. i cried when sean penn acted soo retarded in I AM SAM. and love is when you browse around downelink looking for potential love affairs every midnight.

    sigh.

    btw, i miss you. coffee soon mofo :D
    xoxo

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