Monday, June 22, 2009

three dreams

If you really want to know why I’ve been different lately, it’s because I haven’t been getting enough sleep. Everything seems dull. The skies, once bright and orange have become downcast. My coffee, once bitter and teeming with life now tastes stale. My nights, once peaceful are now riddled with aimless dreams of him.

It was a Tuesday when I first saw him. After a particularly long day at the office, my bed seemed to welcome me with open arms. As I let myself slip into slumber, my thoughts started to wither away. I suddenly found myself inside a theater. It was dark and I didn’t have my glasses on so I couldn’t see what was playing. It took me some time to notice that someone was holding my arm. I briefly glanced at my unnamed seatmate. There he was, as sullen as the day I first met him. He smiled- one of those wry half-smiles he was known for- and I felt him subtly squeeze my arm.

He got up to get something to drink. He said he would be back. As the end credits rolled, I sat motionless in my seat.

“The movie has ended”, the usher said.

“I noticed.” I looked around. I couldn’t find him. He was gone.

I woke up the next morning feeling breathless. I got up to get a glass of water and on the way to the kitchen, I kept holding on to my chest. The elders used to think that we left behind little bits of our souls when a photograph was taken. My whole dream played like a moving picture. Perhaps I left bits of my soul in it.

The next evening, he came to me again. We were at the supermarket. It was a scene straight out of The Stepford Wives. We looked like a happy family. A little boy was sitting in the cart with the rolls of tissue and tubes of toothpaste. Mundane suburban living, I recalled. He walked towards the third aisle and told me to meet him at the counter.

“Where’s daddy?” asked the child.

“He’s gone,” I answered. The lights started to flicker. The cart and the child disappeared. From the benign darkness, I called out. “Are you there? Please come back. Please. Are you there?” He wasn’t there. He never was.

The third night, my dreams found me in a nondescript restaurant. Over salads and steak, we started to recount our first few days together. Who could forget the confusion, the hesitation, the bliss that ensued after all the chaos? Our wine glasses were dry. We tried to call the waiter but neither of us could see him. Exasperated, he rose to look for the guy. I was a little wiser. I knew he wasn’t coming back. As the waiter finally arrived to announce the last call for alcohol, I asked for the bill and went home alone. It started to rain but I didn’t use my umbrella. I needed my skin to feel as cold as my heart.

So if I’ve been a little different, please forgive me. My bed has become a prison. You may think I’m crazy but I can’t wait to get home tonight. I can’t wait to close my eyes and dream of him. I can’t wait to go through all the usual feelings- elation, exasperation, expiration. Why? In waking life, he exists in a world apart from mine but in my dreams- even for a brief moment- he is there. He is happy and smiling. He holds my hand. He laughs with me. If he should leave me at the end of the dream, at least I know he will be there tomorrow night. If only in my dreams, I know he is there. And so I wait- a tall glass of water in one hand and my heart in the other.

John Mayer
Dreaming With A Broken Heart


  1. i don't know if this is fiction or non-fiction, but if its happening, this is excellent! for god's sake, keep sleeping! what fascinates me (and you don't have to answer this) is why you didn't follow him when he got up to look for the waiter (the third night)? were you sad or were you thinking, tomorrow night? very very fascinating!

  2. @LOF i think the character was wiser that time around and because of how he left her the night before, she was probably hanging on to that little bit of pride she had left. plus i never imagined that finding him was an option. she's (still) very passive that way.

    @Mr. Komplikafo thanks for reading! :D

  3. "she" being you? :P

    hmmmmmmmmmmm.... kakaintriga tong post nato.....

  4. it's fiction. haha wag ka na maintriga.

  5. in dreams u'll find him..thats nice...kaso imaginary bf na ang nangyayari,illusions...hope you'll be fine hehe.

  6. @Mac haha fiction to ah. haha di ako emo in real life. :D imaginary boyfriends for my character. pathetic na nga eh. wawa naman. haha

    @LOF you guys are ganging up on me! haha

    @Period Thanks for reading! :D

  7. You write brilliance. Haay. I told you I don't like reading montages or dreams in books, but this is an exception.

    Good side: it's over. Bad side: you're not yet over it.

    Well, sino ba naman ako para magsalita. XP

  8. I like the ending!!!!

    It seems like you're always waiting for someone to come back...

    I understand where you're coming from (whatabout empathizing?).

    Juber's right. You're not yet over it.

    And don't tell me this is a figment of your imagination because everything's so real...

  9. may panaginip rin akong gustong palaging balikan... ang sabi nila kapag napapanaginipan mo lagi mong iniisip. fiction ito diba? haha! wala lang.

  10. @Juber Thanks! Haha i remember about that dream thing you said once. at fiction to no! haha pwede naman ako mag-fiction diba? (defensive mode)

    @Apol Whudabout empathizing? haha fiction nga to. hahaha but it's still the same character from my previous entries.

    @Gege welcome to CB! Thanks for following. oo fiction to. i usually have dreamless nights. :D

  11. nice one.. had a great time reading ur blogs.. :)

    JAYtography: An Online Travelogue

  12. @Jay & Ordinary Guy Thanks for reading! :D Welcome to CB. Daan ako sa mga site nyo later.

    @Ewik haha kaya nag-eemo?

  13. lack of lack? i was under the impression that the absence of absence is the presence of everything.