Monday, May 11, 2009

closet

I'm not exactly sure when I started writing this story. It's been a work in progress for several months now. I scribbled parts of it on coffee shop napkins, receipts and other pieces of paper I found in my bag. I finally had enough time to sit down and put the pieces together while maintaining the timeline and the mindset I had when I wrote it. So far, I like how it turned out. It doesn't sound like anything I wrote before- maybe because it's been a while since I seriously wrote anything. Anyway, here it is.



What does one wear when he’s about to break somebody’s heart? I pondered this question as I stepped out of the bathroom, freshly scrubbed but hardly invigorated. I didn’t know what words I could say. All I knew was this was the day that things would finally end.

Should I wear red? Should we celebrate what we had? We had a lot of good times. We certainly laughed enough, cried enough, fought enough, made up enough. The end doesn’t have to be any different. Let’s just say that we had a lot of good times and now it’s finally time to part ways.

Should I wear white? Like a silent flag raised in the middle of battle, would it get my message across? I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t know if we even have enough left to become friends. Should I be the beacon of peace and serenity? Would that cushion the blow?

Should I wear nothing? Let you come to me. No. That wouldn’t solve anything and I just changed the sheets.

Should I wear purple? Wasn’t that your favorite color? Remember when we said we would someday rule the world? Maybe we should dress like kings and queens. No one would ever suspect that between the main course and dinner, we finally penned our story’s ending.

Should I wear black? It would go so much better with ‘it’s not you, it’s me.’ Maybe if you could see that I wasn’t right for you or that something about me just wasn’t right, you’d wise up and leave. It seems easier that way- to lay all the blame on my side of the bed.

My apprehension and indecision has got me so confused. I stood naked in front of a full closet for what felt like two years but was actually fifteen minutes. As I took out a green shirt (my favorite color), I realized I wasn’t breaking your heart. I was breaking my own. I’m going to miss you- our stupid conversations about God and politics, about suffrage and sloth. I looked in the mirror and didn’t know if I would ever be completely ready so I put on my pants, went out and hailed a cab. It was raining as the skies are wont to do when people break up. I sat antsy on the cool leather seats, expecting the best but bracing for the worst. One day, you’ll look back at all this the way a ten year old runs his hands through a healing scar. One day, you’ll forgive me.

31 comments:

  1. Colors drain when hearts break. I like this one, and the way it made me run my fingers through my scars towards the end. :-)

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  2. i think that's why the person couldn't decide in the end. thanks podi! coming from a great writer, that's really nice to hear. :D

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  3. I salute you for even mulling this over. This is such an honest post. Hugs.

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  4. hehe it's strange how fiction can seem honest sometimes. i usually choose shirts at random. if it doesn't fit me that day or seems a bit off, i'll choose the one beside it. hehe i have no time for indecision.

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  5. fictions are always based on something :P ohmigawd. at first kinabahan ako...

    and then. phew-it's just fiction. hahaha. ako, i would wear black-that line is just sooo fetch!

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  6. masyadong thin ang demarcation line ng fiction at reality sa post na ito...

    bigla tuloy akong napatanong...

    ano nga kaya?

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  7. if you have made up your mind about breaking up, if there was any feeling at all in the relationship, there should be some doubt -- in the form of color of shirt to wear.

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  8. its subtle honesty made me love this post... nice one!

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  9. The color would depend on what kind of excuse/reason I will giving the person on why we should part ways. =)

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  10. hmm..this is one hell of an honest post...cheers to the writer!!!

    it will not matter what color...for pain (or tears) will surely cloud the dress you are wearing...

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  11. thanks everyone! i really appreciate your comments. they've been very helpful :D

    @EJ ano ba. haha bawal ba magimbento? black? yeah, the line's cliché but it's pretty fetch.

    @period hala pano mo naman yan napagtanto?

    @LOF i guess indecision appears on different levels. the character wasn't sure why he wanted to break up in the first place. the only thing he knew was that he had to end things.

    @wanderingcommuter thanks! :D

    @mr. scheez so which color would you wear?

    @the geek sabagay... i don't think the color would matter after the first few minutes.

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  12. thats what makes the post so brilliant! thank god he didn't get caught up in the color and just picked something.

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  13. reading your post while listening to Latika's Theme. made me so want to cry.

    I hope things are better now for the both of you, if not the best. anyway, you have so much friends. people come and go, and that's how it is.

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  17. i wouldn't go as far as calling it honest but it is a good performance. ^_^

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  18. @LOF that's why he chose a color for a really silly reason. i didn't want him to acknowledge the other colors because when people break up, it's usually for a number of reasons.

    @juber it's fiction naman eh. :D haha but if i were really going through something like this, i would probably listen to latika's theme, too.

    @niel haha thank you! it's not really honest. it's more like a mix of 5 different relationships in the past. while there is some truth to this story, it doesn't mean anything to me at this time.

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  19. Okay. Remind me again. This is fiction right?

    This is a very interesting entry.

    Breaking someone's heart is beyond moods, colors, and what-nots. It's a kaleidoscope of emotions, reasons, expectations, etc.

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  20. Yes, ma'am. Fiction po 'to! hehe

    "Breaking someone's heart is beyond moods, colors, and what-nots. It's a kaleidoscope of emotions, reasons, expectations, etc."

    True and it wouldn't be fair to end it all because of a single flimsy reason.

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  21. kala ko pa naman true story na nagtatanong pa naman ako at the end part sa sarili ko ng"shacks sino kaya ang ibe-break nito!" LOL

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  22. haha di no. i'm more of a "let's work it out" kind of guy. susuko lang pag wala nang magawa. hehe

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  23. nyl i love it! hehe yeah like what they said: it's fiction but it seems real.
    anyway i wouldn't be able to write about break-ups naman since my pas relationships are just god-for-a-month-only. oh then maybe i can write about "how to keep a guy/girl for a month." hahaha

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  24. (correction: past. go ahead)

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  25. maybe! that'd be interesting. try mo!

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  26. i've thought more about this and i linger over "breaking someone's heart". for me, the real issue is taking responsibility for the already brokenness in our own hearts. when i was younger and dating, i could never feel my own feelings. but here, there is a lingering over what mask to put on. just so damn brilliant!

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  27. thanks! that's a really nice thing to hear from someone like you. as for me, i'm too empathic for my own good. kahit di ko nga relationship, i start feeling bad. i'm curious about the link of sadness and responsibility. i never intended the 'responsibility' angle but i re-read it and i saw hints of it there.

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  28. my observation has been that people make their decisions based upon other's feelings. for example, someone says "i didn't want to tell him because i didn't want to hurt his feeling" (the most utilized motif in teleseryes!) the truth is, that someone doesn't want to tell the other because they don't want to have to face the consequences (their own feelings) when the other person knows the truth. there's an element of subtle domination in the whole thing -- masquerading as respecting the other's feelings.

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  29. masquerading? hmm... maybe not really as a sign of respect to the other person but more of knowing that that person cannot take the truth (in its purest form)

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  30. that maybe true, but there is a certain inflationary aspect when someone believes they know what is best for another "knowing that that person cannot take the truth (in its purest form)." it also has an element of domination. of course, this particular flaw of human thinking is the foundation of teleseryes -- so from a storytelling point of view, no complaints.

    For example, look at Ceding in Walang Kapalit. by the time Noel (Piolo) found out that Ceding was his mother, everyone in the house knew and was keeping it from him. was that for his own good?)

    I think honesty is the best policy and an easy remedy for an unconscious complex to dominate -- which is the true devil against real intimacy between humans.

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  31. hmm.. that's interesting. i haven't really seen Walang Kapalit but some trainees have said good things about it.

    i understand that keeping the truth from someone is a form of domination but i really believe that often times, it's for the person's own good. maybe noel's household had a pretty good reason why they kept that bit of vital information from him. or maybe they were just plain mean.

    but then again, where there is dishonesty, there cannot be true intimacy.

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