Tuesday, November 25, 2008

everything in time

I was at work watching this ridiculously boring DVD when I learned about the history of Hawaii. I got to thinking about wars and how they were everywhere at some point. I doubt if there was ever a country that did not revolt against their captors and this state was no exception. I thought about all the blood that their people shed for this ultimately doomed cause and wondered if, even despite them losing in the end, it was all worth it in the end.

Centuries later, all the wars that were fought seem rather pointless. Forgive me if I'm young. I don't really know a lot about history to formulate such an opinion. All I have is what I see everyday. A Starbucks on every street corner. iPods blasting American music. Even if we were not completely colonized, everything's been globalized. If I could go back in time, I'd tell Bonifacio and the rest of the KKK to relax and take it easy. Years from now, your children's children will fight to get into the United States.

All wars seem rather pointless. I thought about all the fights I got into when I was in school. Those petty arguments did not really make me a better person. Sitting here now, I couldn't help but feel rather silly for having gone through all that drama. In the end, I would still be where I am today regardless of all the little wars in my past. Again, pointless.

Maybe I'm just saying this because of my current state. I still have war paint on my face and I can still see her blood on my hands. A song plays and for once, I am still.

Lying in your bed, I am a refugee you try to love. But the love that he killed keeps coming back and haunting me. Am I wasting all of your time and all my cute days on regrets? Is it healthy that we met? Everything always in time will show. Then we will know it will show. Everything always in time will come.

I didn't want to start a war. I had hoped that we could resolve things quietly. Wiping emotions away from my face, I fumbled on my cellphone's keypad. A message to break my silence: I'm sorry. I really tried. I guess it's pointless now. Years from now, she might even forgive me. Will I ever forgive myself for putting her through this again?

As her ghost started to slip away, I noticed a very familiar one lurking in the background. I know you, I said. Let go, it whispered. It's been over a year. Let go. And so I did. Or at least I tried to.

So today, I set down my torch. It was feeble and it made my hands hurt. In its place, I lit a candle. Somewhere, someone's mourning too. It'll be morning soon.

photo: Uwe Hermann

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